Caroline doesn't turn around to look at me, instead she just continues to flip the pages of a notebook. The notebook.
I knew it was the writer and I's notebook because I could see my own handwriting and the writers as the pages were being flipped.
The blood pounded in my ears as I watched Caroline, leisurely flip through the pages. She seemed to be skimming over them and not actually reading.
Had I been right?
"Caroline?" My voice cracked under the shear stress that I was feeling that the moment. I almost couldn't breathe at all.
Her redhead whips up to look at the voice who spoke, clearly startled. She didn't speak though. She just kept looking between me and the notebook.
"What are you doing?" I try not to sound to accusatory but I know I did anyways. How could I not? I just found Caroline reading over my personal letters with someone that may or may not be her.
"Wren.. " She started but I don't let her finish because the blood was rushing to my head and the words fall out of my mouth too quickly.
"Are you the person I have been writing to?"
Caroline just gapes not answering my question. She thumbs the pages of the notebook but regardless of her apprehensive nature she shakes her head no.
Unconsciously, I take a couple steps back from Caroline. I had been so sure it the writer was Caroline. How could it not have been? All the pieces had lined up, pointing at Caroline. But it wasn't her and now that it wasn't, Caroline looking through the notebook was a complete invasion of my privacy. She had to know it was me writing back and forth with the writer. My name was on the back of the book for Christ sakes.
But even worse than that, she knew that I was in love with someone else before I could even tell her myself.
My hands started to shake and I fruitlessly try to steady them. My legs felt like they were about to give way underneath me. To stop myself from hurtling to the ground, I quickly sat in the seat across from Caroline, her hazel eyes looking down at the hard wood of the table.
"It's Dylan isn't it?" I honestly could not believe that that was the first thing that she started this conversation with.
"Is Dylan what?"
"You are in love with her."
The silence is deafening when I don't answer, and it's not just because we are in a library. I hadn't even admitted to being in love with Dylan least the a 10 hours ago and here was Caroline confronting me on my feelings.
"Yes I am."
She nods, " To be honest, I knew you were this entire time. I feel so stupid."
"You aren't stupid. I'm stupid for pretending like I wasn't."
Caroline pinches her nose, incredulously. "No I'm stupid. I loved the fact that you were into me. I loved it so much that I was willing to just go with it knowing you loved her."
I smiled a little, "You could have at least told me." This earns me a smile in return, which I was glad for. I didn't want her to feel so bad about dating me especially considering that I was the one at fault. "I'm really sorry."
"Yeah well, when I asked you about her you were so sure that you didn't like her."
I shook my head while tapping my fingers on the table. " Then I just wanted to not like her at all. So I fooled myself into thinking I didn't. "
"She was there you know."
"There when?"
"She was there when you told me that you did have feelings for her." My heart dropped all the way down into my stomach. I wondered if I had known would I have been so adamant about convincing Caroline that I didn't like Dylan. I closed my eyes before asking my next question.
"Did she her me say it?" She nodded. "Did she care?"
Caroline didn't speak, thumbing the forgotten notebook once more. " I have never seen something so heartbreaking. Honestly remembering her face makes me feel even worse because I knew she liked you too."
"She doesn't like me."
"Oh but she does. In a big way."
This was news to me. Caroline was saying that Dylan, the hot and cold avoiding type liked me? She couldn't possibly with the way that she treated me. One minute she was extremely adorable and just as I remember her. Then the next she was brushing me off like I was lint that she wanted to get rid of.
"Dylan can't like me. She can barely stand to be around me."
Caroline grinned widely. "You know, you are really cute but also really dumb. She can't stand to be around you because I'm sure she just loves you too much."
"That's ridiculous."
Caroline leans forward, wide grin turning into a smug smirk. "Then why don't you go ask her? No harm right?"
"There is so much harm. Are you forgetting that she could completely break my heart?"
"She won't." She said. We smile at each other for a moment.
I felt so stupid for the second time in such as short time span.
This was Caroline.
Caroline was who so sweet and so flirty from the beginning. She was the girl that I wanted because I knew I couldn't have her. Caroline spoke up and knew what she wanted and what she wanted happened to be me. Caroline was the girl who actually liked me. Caroline was romantic, with her words and her thoughtfulness.
I wanted Caroline to be in my life because I had no one else to love me. But that just wasn't enough. Caroline had never seen me at my weakest, she didn't feel like peace but rather the possibility of something more. Caroline didn't make me feel the way that I felt about Dylan. The things I felt about Caroline were nice but was that enough for me to feel strongly about her?
I was not in love with her.
I knew I wasn't in love with her because the truth was that I didn't really know her at all and she didn't know me. Together we were too wrapped up in the possibility of love, that we took that as face value for what it meant to be with someone. Just because Caroline was always so sweet to me and so kind didn't mean that we needed to be together. That wasn't the deeper substance that a relationship should have.
All these years that I have known Dylan she has been there for me, and that was the reason that I had fell for her in the first place.
I couldn't believe how easily I had forgotten.
" I'm going to ask her."
" Of course you are." Caroline starts to gather her things, then finally sliding the notebook back over to me. "I didn't actually read it. I have seen you so many times writing in this notebook and I just let my curiosity get the best of me. I didn't know it would be personal letters. I'm sorry."
I didn't feel mad at her like I should have felt. I felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of Dylan liking me back. It was enough to make me feel sick even. But I was not mad. She hadn't read the letters so I had no reason to be. I didn't like that she went over my head to grab the notebook when she could have just asked but what done is done now.
But the strange part was that even though I was so sure that Caroline was the writer I'm glad that she was not. If she had been the writer that would have meant that our relationship had more substance then I had originally thought.
If she had been the writer then that would mean that she and I had a connection on the level of the writer and I. The connection we had was almost as close as the relationship between Dylan's and , and that was saying something.
I don't know if I could handle so many people knowing me so well.
"Okay. I wish you would have just asked."
"I really am sorry though." She said.
"I'm sorry too." Caroline gathers her things, ready to head off when she turns to me and said,
"Now you have to go get the girl."
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Getting the girl was way harder than I thought it would be. To actually tell someone that you love them you have to find them first.
After I had looked at the notebook to see if the writer had written back, which they hadn't, I went to find Dylan. I had texted her multiple times with no response.
I had searched the halls for her asking her brother and Erin if they had seen her but they hadn't.
Erin and Derek were on talking terms again which I was glad for because I could not stand to see the two of them fight especially over a boy. Who would have thought that a boy would almost come between them? Regardless they were friends again.
Finally Derek received at short text saying 'At rink'. I was a little miffed that she hadn't bothered to text me but I guess the way that I left the other night caused that. But it didn't matter because I knew where she was.
I quickly jumped into my car and drove over to our local skating rink. The lot was basically empty I had noticed as I rushed into the building.
My body was buzzing with anticipation not just because I was going to see her again but because I was finally going to tell her that I loved her.
At this point, I didn't think about the fact that she could reject me but instead I thought about how she would know how much I loved her. I just needed to tell her.
I started to break out into a run like a complete lunatic in those stupid romantic comedies. I had half of mind to stop running but once I had started I couldn't stop.
When I finally got past the locker rooms, bleachers, and to the open rink, I could see Dylan slowly skating in the smooth ice.
Dylan had large over the ear headphones on as she skates languidly, her long legs crossing back and forth in rhythm to whatever music she was listening to.I had never seen her so beautifully in her element that I was almost enough to stop me in my tracks. Almost.
I didn't care that I wasn't wearing skates, even though I most definitely should have been, I ripped open the small door that was the entrance of the rink before stepping a sneaker clad foot on the slippery ice.
The not wearing skates thing had been such as mistake because I slipped and slid trying to make my way over to Dylan.
It was an extremely slow moving process and I just wasn't able to move fast enough to catch up with Dylan so I resorted to shouting
"Dylan!" I shouted once. And then again and again. She hadn't heard me.
So I did what anyone else would have done and started waving my hands around like and idiot.
Finally Dylan sees me. " Wren? What the hell?" She shouts from across the rink. She starts to skate steadily toward me.
I gulp in the cold air. What did I do? Did I just tell her then? She was not very far so she would hear me but shouldn't I just ease her into what I was wanted to say?
"I love you!"
Dylan's skate digs into the ice causing her to fail around rapidly, trying to maintain her balance but lucky for her I was standing directly in front of her so her momentum caused us to crash directly into one another.
With Dylan's arms around me, we don't fall because Dylan is able to use her skating experience to keep us upright.
Only when we are completely still does she speak. " What?" I would have rolled my eyes but she looked incredibly cute with cheeks red from the artificial cold of the rink.
" I'm in love with you."
Dylan swallows hard, brown eyes searching mine. "Really?"
That time I roll my eyes. " Yes really."
Dylan didn't hesitate to but her lips to mine. When they touch I realize how glad I was that she was holding me by the waist because my legs went remarkably weak. As she held me firm against her, all I could do was revel in the feeling of her soft lips against mine.
The kiss was a melding of juxtaposition. It was desperate and fast, like there was just too much space between us. But it was also the optimum of calm and languid, like we wanted to feel every second of the kiss.
My heart was racing as Dylan's lips mingled with mine. I knew hers was pounding just as fast because I could feel it in her wrist that was pressed up against my face. And I loved the feeling.
Finally we broke apart grasping for quick breaths. Puffs of hot breath tickled my face as we still stood noses touching.
"Holy shit." Dylan whispered and I could help but to break out into a hearty laugh. Soon, I was laughing so hard my sides started to hurt. Dylan laughed with me in tears just like I was.
Elation spread through me so thoroughly that I just couldn't stop laughing. I felt like I was on a high of some sort, a high that I can only associate with Dylan. My only thoughts were Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.
When our laughter died down Dylan smiled brightly, holding me close to her once again.
" I think that was the best kiss of my life." She said.
" We waited long enough. It damn well better have been."
"It was. And more." Dylan said putting her forehead to mine, clearly trying to get me to kiss her again so instead I kiss her on the cheek.
"One kiss and your already a sap."
" I think I'll need more kisses to test this notion of yours."
"I don't think it's a notion. I'd say it's fact."
So we kissed and skated and then kissed and skated some more. Well the skating was more her skating backward and tugging me along with her. It was still amazing nonetheless.
Finally Dylan pulled me over to the exit because she was completely out of breath. I hopped off the rink, relieved to be back on non-slippery ground.
But Dylan doesn't follow but instead stands there, both hands outstretched and placed against the walls of the exit of the rink. She was clearly having trouble saying something so I waited but whatever it was still wasn't coming out. As I looked at her standing there looking so conflicted but equally with a happy glow to her so I said the first thing I thought of because it was what I always thought of when I looked at her. I just never listened to what my heart was saying until now.
"I love you." Her eyes widened a bit like she didn't know this from how I kissed her. Still and didn't say anything but stared at me with these curious and searching eyes. They burned a hole into my soul. I started to shift my feet back in forth out anticipation of her next words. " I love you a lot."
The silence was a bit deafening but finally she spoke softly. "Me too." A smile broke on to my face. " Wait no! I meant I love you a lot too. Not that I love myself a lot!" She said waving her hands frantically. Seeing this flustered side of her was so new for me since Dylan seemed to always have her feelings under controlled I just couldn't stop myself from crossing the space between us and pressing a kiss to her mouth.
We kissed again for who knows how long. I most certainly was not counting.
When we break apart she starts to speak, " I have loved you for such a long time. I don't even remember feeling anything else but love for you." She pauses, mulling her words carefully. "But I couldn't say anything to you because I was so scared of losing you again. Just one wrong move and poof you be gone out of my life. So how could I tell you? How could I tell you that I am so ridiculously in love with you."
"You just did." I smiled kissing both of her cheeks. " You did fine. I don't understand the problem here."
"The problem is I'm in love with you." Dylan pulled me close into a warm hug. She buried her face into my shoulder. I hugged her back with just as much vigor.
"What is so wrong with that?" I mumbled into her hair.
" What's wrong is that I can't love you. I can't." She mumbles back.
"Why can't you? What's so wrong with loving me?"
"There is nothing wrong with it. And that is the problem. It just feels so right." She said.
"Then just let it be right. It's not so hard to love me."
"No it's too easy."
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Who else has all the feels? I have ALL THE FEELS!
Anywayyyyyyys if anyone has any questions about Caroline's reaction let me know because it took me day's to figure out how she would react and I just wrote one reaction then I kept changing it lol.
SO I came up with the funniest ship name. DYLEN LOL
~~Athena