●Dean●
When I got back from New York, I locked myself in my room more than usual. I completely isolated myself, to my parents' dismay, who thought I was doing better. Better wasn't the word I would use after what happened with Blake. The only time I left my room was to go to school, something I had to do with just two weeks before high school was over. That was the one bright spot: knowing I could close this chapter of my life and start over in Northam.
•••
I threw my bag down beside my bed, one hundred percent ready to take a nap before I realized what day it was. Sam was still at baseball practice, and I felt bad because I hadn't wished him a happy birthday yet. I decided to wait until he got home in about an hour; until then, I got out his presents and put them on his bed. I never got around to wrapping them, so there was just a leather-bound journal and an expansion deck for Cards Against Humanity on my brother's neatly made bedspread.
Unusually motivated, I went to Jo's room instead of my own to talk.
"Hey, Dee." She marked her place in her book, patting the space beside her.
I happily laid down on my stomach, my chin resting on my crossed arms as I let out a long breath. "It's been a while since I've heard that one. You and Sam haven't called me Dee since we were kids. You know, after you stopped hating me and actually thought of me as a brother."
Jo ran her fingers through my hair. "Do you ever wish we could go back to those times when our biggest problem was dealing with each other?"
"Yes, sometimes." I shrugged. "On the bad days, I wish I could go back and redo everything. I wish I could enjoy more of our childhood. I wish I could spend more time with you guys instead of going to the dorms. I wish I could stop Cas. I wish I could stop myself from dragging him into my life. Sometimes I wish I could stop John from bringing me to Glen Rock, bring Sam here and keep me." I closed my eyes, suddenly aware that I was actually saying all of this aloud.
"I didn't mean go back to change things." I looked at her, wanting her to go on. "If you did, you wouldn't be Dean, just someone who looks like him. Changing things would change who you are."
"But Cas would be alive." Maybe Cas would've been happy with someone else in Glen Rock like Harrison had I never stepped into his life.
"Dean." The way she said my name made me nervous. I felt like I was in trouble. Maybe I was. "You can't do anything to change what happened, so when are you going to try to start living again? You were doing so much better, then you stopped talking to everyone." Her eyebrows furrowed together in concern. "Why are you pushing us all away? That's not going to help; it's not going to change anything or bring Cas back. All you're going to do is lose more people, so why are you doing this?"
I sat up, choosing to face this and my sister rather than run away like I usually did. "Because I feel so fucking guilty."
"Is this about Blake?" When I didn't answer, Jo let out an exasperated groan. Then, she walked out of her room, coming back just a few seconds later with a pissed off expression. "You don't seem to want to listen when everyone does this the easy way, so here. Let's try it like this." Jo crossed her arms over her chest. "Cas is gone. You two aren't dating. Even before he died, you broke up with him. You two both made your choices, and now you need to own up to yours. You keep making decisions and sweeping the consequences under the rug, but you can't do that anymore. You can't just stop talking to everyone in the hopes that your problems will go away. You need to face this, Dean. You need to face Cas's death."
I stood so I was facing my sister. "What do you think I'm doing?"
"I think you're trying to ignore it. I think you're trying to pretend that he's still alive because it seems impossible to think otherwise. But you're never going to move on like this."
"Maybe I don't want to move on. Maybe I deserve to be miserable because of what I did to Cas."
She jabbed me in the chest. "That. That is what I mean. You think that wallowing in self-pity is coping, but it's not." Jo scoffed, "If he saw you..."
"What?"
"If he saw you like this, so guilt-ridden and isolated and depressed, it would break him. All he wanted was for you to be happy, you know that. He wouldn't want-"
I pushed my sister away from me. She had edged so close, we were almost touching. "He wouldn't want me moping around? He wouldn't want me to be guilty? No. You keep saying that like you know what he was feeling, but you don't. You didn't. None of us knew what he was feeling because he- he-" The alternating guilt, anger, and sadness fought inside me; anger won this time. "I knew him better than you ever could. He may have said that he wanted me to be happy, but he wouldn't want this. Cas would hate the idea of me moving on. He wouldn't want me sleeping with Blake just a few months after I lost him. He wouldn't want me going to prom with Jordyn when I'd already asked him to go with me. Cas was jealous when I talked to Lisa before we were dating, so you can't tell me he'd be okay with any of this." I walked to the door, unable to continue to my own room though. My hand rested on the doorknob, but all the fight had left me. Opening the door and continuing this argument both seemed impossible. "He was selfish in the end. He was selfish and stupid, and he didn't think out anything in that letter. Trust me, if Cas really wanted me to be happy, he'd still be here."
"Dean, don't-"
"No, just... I need some air."
•••
"Thanks for the presents, Dean." Sam was hovering at my door, not sure if he should come in. I motioned for him to sit down. The conversation with Jo had left my thoughts raw with emotion, but I couldn't take it out on Sam. "How did you know I wanted a new journal?"
I ruffled his hair, which only earned me a miffed look. "You are about as subtle as I am. But I've read some of the things you've written, and I think it's amazing. You've got a way with words, Sammy. Happy birthday."
He rolled his eyes, but he was enjoying the compliment. "Thanks. And speaking of subtle, how are you doing? Dad said you and Jo were fighting earlier."
"It's fine; don't worry about it. Jo and I... We just needed to get a few things off our chests."
Sam crossed his legs, settling his hands on his knees. "Blake?"
I squinted at him. "How-" I decided not to ask. "Are you sure you don't have super hearing or can't read minds?"
"I think it's just strength and invisibility." There, I got him to smile. "Like I've said, you're a pretty open book that's easy to read."
I pressed my palm to my chest. "You think I'm pretty?"
Rolled eyes and a head shake. I'm on the receiving end of all kinds of teenage sass today. "Don't change the subject. We were talking about Blake."
"Well, you were." And there's Sam's signature look: his perfect bitchface. "Fine. What are you wanting to know?"
"Why are you being so hard on yourself? You made a mistake. So what?"
An uncomfortable feeling started at my wrists, which could only mean one thing. I let a small fire blossom on my hand while I talked, and the irritation under my skin started to fade. Sam glanced at the fire but didn't say whatever was on his mind. "Even though I'm not still with Cas, it's like I betrayed him. He'd be so disappointed in me."
"Yeah, cause Cas is such a great role model when it comes to decision making."
I frowned. "Don't be so hard on him."
Sam's expression made it seem like I circled myself into the argument my brother wanted me to make. I noticed I used the same phrase that he did. Clever boy. "Again, so why are you being so hard on yourself? If you can take up for Cas when he did things much worse than you, why can't you give yourself a break? You've forgiven Cas; don't you think it's time you forgave yourself?"
"I'm working on it."
Sam shrugged. I guess that was good enough for him. "I just think Cas would have forgiven you a long time ago." He pointed to my nightstand. "And he would probably want you to wear those again." He was talking about the ring and necklaces that were on my alarm clock. "You know, whenever you're ready."
He was right, but I was done thinking about the sad things for now. I stretched my leg out to nudge Sam's. "What about you? Have you been forgiven yet?"
He shook his head. "Madison still won't talk to me." Sam was having girl trouble. He went to a movie with Madison a few weeks ago as friends, then went to play laser tag with a girl named Jessica, also as friends. Except he never made it clear to either that it wasn't a date, so it wasn't fun when they found out about the other's not-date. Jessica had mostly forgiven Sam, but Madison could hold one hell of a grudge. Another problem was that Sam didn't want to go on a date with either one of them because he had a thing for them both.
Which I loved teasing him about. "But you still don't like either of them, right? They're just friends."
"Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about."
His phone buzzed in his pocket to signal a new text, which he quickly answered. "And who was that?" I asked as I watched Sam, his eyes and fingers never leaving the screen.
Sam blushed. "Jess."
I kicked him again. "Go on, Romeo, your Juliet is waiting for you. Or is she your Rosalind?" I shrugged. "I guess that depends on Madison, huh?"
Sam pocketed his phone. He repeated, "Shut up," before his notification sounded again.
"Get out of here. I don't want to see you until you've got both of those girls talking to you again."
"Fine," my brother sighed, turning himself invisible. I shook my head, but I kinda walked into that one. He waited until he completely dissolved into the background, which only took a few seconds, before he spoke. "Do I still have to go if you can't see me?"
"Go fix your problems." Sam laughed, and my bed readjusted to the sudden absence of a teenage boy. "Bitch," I called after him, pretty sure he hadn't made it out of earshot yet.
"Jerk." That, at least, put a smile on my face.
I laid down, taking the jewelry off the nightstand and holding it above my head to look at. Eventually, I put the ring back on my finger and the necklaces resting back on the hollow of my throat.
Downstairs, I heard Mom yelp then launch into a lecture about Sam being visible when he came into the room. I couldn't help but laugh along with my brother.
•••
Three minutes until the bell. Just ninety-three minutes left of high school.
This last day was dragging on as slowly as possible. Every other senior was feeling time move like molasses today too. We were still two weeks from graduation, but this was the official last day of class before all the graduation practices went into full swing.
Two minutes.
I couldn't shake the feeling like someone was watching me, for good reason. I turned to find a familiar pair of eyes on me, which, strangely, didn't surprise me. For the past month or so, I would feel someone staring at me every once in a while during third block. And every time, I'd find him looking at me. He never averted his eyes when I caught him. He never looked ashamed. He never said anything to me.
Until today.
He seemed to move before the bell rang, standing in front of my desk right as everyone else stood.
I gave him a tight smile. "Fergus."
"Crowley," he corrected. I knew this, of course. He just really hated being called Fergus. "Dean, we should talk."
"I'm kinda in a rush."
Crowley grabbed my arm. "This won't take long. Please."
"Let go of me." He did, though reluctantly. "Talk quick."
He leaned in, and I got a breath of strong cologne. "You need to be careful. I don't know what's going on, but something bad is about to happen. Something bad is about to happen to you."
I grinned. "Yeah. I'm going to get in trouble for being late to orchestra."
"No, Dean. You don't understand. My father-"
I held up my hand, stopping him. "Listen, I don't know who you are. I don't know who your father is. And really, I don't care. Whatever the hell you're talking about isn't my problem. Thanks for the concern but I have bigger problems than a bad feeling you have. Now get out of my way. I have a class to sit through that's going to piss me off and make me upset because it's the last day and remind me that my boyfriend isn't going to graduate with me in two weeks."
I brushed past Crowley. He tried one last time, calling, "I just need you to listen to me." But I didn't. I had a class to get to.
I was given a surprise during that last hour of my high school experience. I was called down to Ms. Terry's office, so I expected many things to happen: I wasn't going to graduate, something happened to my brother or sister, I was being offered another therapy session. What I didn't expect was for her to hand me a yearbook.
"I already got my yearbook," I told her. I tried to hand it back, but she shook her head with that stupid smile of hers.
"It's not yours."
Sure enough, engraved on the front cover was a name that wasn't mine. Castiel Novak. I touched my pendants without thinking. "But- Why?"
"We noticed that you didn't come to the signing we had for Castiel, so we wanted to give you another chance. Plus, we thought it would be a good idea for you to give it to the Novaks." I didn't know who we was, but I was strangely grateful to them. My own yearbook was filled with sentiments from friends and teammates and band members that I've become close to over the years. I really wanted to read the stories everyone left for Cas.
"Thank you." I gently touched the cover, feeling like I was just given something great. The yearbook wasn't mine; I'd have to give it back to Cas's family, but that could wait until after graduation.
When I got back to the band room, I borrowed a pen and wrote something on the first blank page of the yearbook. I had to find room for my short message, but I didn't want to leave my mark from the book.
You already know everything I could ever tell you. I love you. I hope you know how much. xDean. 🖤
I ran my finger over the other words written in colorful ink. Most of the first pages were covered in halfhearted sentiments from classmates who never knew him; when I flipped to the back pages that were designed for signatures, I saw the same things. Simple statements like I wish we got to know each other better or You did amazing with the solo in orchestra or You'll be missed littered the papers. You could tell how well someone knew Cas by their parting words to him. I spent the rest of the class period pouring over every word written in the book. Some stories made me smile, some made me sad, some I remembered, some were new. I didn't understand most of the more personal portions, but I loved reading them all the same.
I'll never forget how you grew flowers in Isaac's shoes when you heard him being a sexist prick towards me or the sound of your laughter when Elijah would tell bad jokes on the field. You were such a bright spot in the alto section, and I'm glad that I knew you. I hope you're at peace, wherever you are. And I hope you're not hogging the ice. ;) -Alaina
I never would've passes MA without you. I'll never look at lungs the same way again. Thanks for everything. Hannah
I was rooting for you two the whole time #CasDean #Castean #Destiel I promise it'll catch on. xPaisley
That one almost brought me to tears. Paisley was one of the freshmen in Cas's section, but I didn't know she was wanting us together too. It seemed like the whole school wanted us to start dating. I sighed, going back to the yearbook. Finally, I found our friends' messages. I was pleasantly surprised.
I always called you Clarence because you reminded me of the angel from It's A Wonderful Life. I don't know why. But I guess you ended up being more like George. It's too bad you didn't have your own guardian angel. I just want you to know that I miss you. It may seem like I don't care most of the time, but I did care about you. I wish I would've seen what was happening before. But I did, didn't I? I saw that lightning in Bridgedon. I'd give anything to go back and change things. -Meg
P.S. Benny and I are going to try this long distance thing. You and Dean didn't have a change to even try, so I'd feel selfish throwing us away because of time zones.
Right under Meg's was Benny's, then Adam's.
Thank you for all the help in English. I hope you know how much we all miss you, especially Dean. He really loves you. Benny
The dorms are so quiet now. What I'd give to hear your stupid complaints or weird midnight thoughts again. You were an awesome roommate, despite being an ass in the mornings. I'm going to see Guardians of the Galaxy this weekend, and I just wish you were coming too. I'll have a milkshake for you tonight. I know they were your favorites. Adam
I skipped around to find Jo's, a little disappointed that it was just a sentence. It was enough, though.
Thanks for taking care of my brother. Jo
Down in the right-hand corner was Harrison's. I'd had my hand over it all that time.
My first impression of you hasn't changed since the moment I saw you on the first day of school. You've always been strong and powerful and brilliant and beautiful. You were mad at Dean that day, wouldn't even talk to him, but that's not what caught my attention about you. It was your eyes and the way they seemed to be hiding some kind of secret. Sometimes I think about how different things would be if your feelings toward him hadn't changed. But mostly, I think about the boy I knew. The one who carried Skittles in his band uniform and ate them during breaks, which caused his reeds to turn rainbow-colored. (Like you, you would joke.) The one who would smile as he watched football games, not knowing what was going on beyond my narration. The one who bit his lip when he thought and rolled his eyes constantly. I think about the boy I cared about more than I would admit. But I'm admitting it now, only when it can't do any damage with you and Dean. I thought you should know. I miss you. And I miss having chemistry with you, even if it was only the class. xHarrison
I couldn't bring myself to be mad. I knew I wouldn't be judged for being upset, but it didn't feel like a problem anymore. Harrison was saying goodbye. Like he said, it wasn't going to hurt anything now. Anyways, it was pretty hard to stay mad at him for caring about Cas, even if it was more than I'd like.
On the same page as my message was Charlie's, just a few inches to the left.
I'm so angry and sad and guilty, and it's all because of you. I miss you, Cas. I want you back, and I want to slap you for being so stupid. Everything changed when you came to Glen Rock, and everything changed again when you left. The thing is, though, that first change was good. Why did you have to leave us? How could we not see that something was wrong? I'm so sorry. I love you. Charlie
But the most surprising thing I read wasn't written by any if them. I almost missed it, squeezed between two senior sentiments like it was done last was a two word letter that made my breathing stop.
I'm sorry. -Kevin
•••
That was the first night I dreamed about Cas in a while. It was just a few short moments that didn't make sense.
First, he was sitting on a table, fingers tapping on the surface as sparks of lightning glanced off the wooden top. Then, he was walking towards me in just a pair of dress pants. He was laughing, but it sounded hollow and fake. Right before I woke up, I saw him holding his hand to my cheek, his mouth close to mine. "Everything is going to be okay," he told me. "I've got you."
But that was just the beginning.
Night after night, I saw Cas before I woke up in the kind of dreams you don't forget in the morning. Snippets of out of context conversations I never had with him. Simple movements I didn't realize I missed watching him make. But stranger still. Him fighting blurry figures. Lightning surrounding him everywhere he went. An edge to his voice that I'd never heard. And his eyes.
That was one thing I could never remember upon waking. I knew there was something wrong with his eyes, but I didn't know what.
I caved after a few days and told my parents about the dreams. They said it was just emotions from graduation, like Mary's death always dug up emotions that manifested in dreams. It made sense, but I couldn't fight my discomfort every morning. The dreams felt real. Of course, that meant real nightmares had to come into my life to make the misery complete.
•••
Dad took me and Jo home after our last graduation practice, which was odd. Apparently, he took off the rest of the day.
"Now, Dean, don't be mad."
I glanced at him from the passenger seat. I had been happily watching the road go by when he said that. "Why would I be mad?"
"Because of what's at the house."
"What is at the house?"
Dad's hands tightened on the steering wheel. "It's John."
"Oh, fuck no."
"Dean!"
I threw my hands in the air. "Oh, sorry. You've got a wanted criminal in our house, but I need to watch my language."
Jo leaned forward. She hadn't said anything since we got into the car, but she was speaking up now. "Dad, are you serious?"
"Kids, please. He's leaving right after graduation."
"He shouldn't be here in the first place!"
Dad glared at me when he stopped at the next red light. "Son, do you think I invited him? I don't even know how he knew when graduation was. But he's here. There's nothing for us to do about it."
Jo met my eyes. She was just as dumbfounded as I was. "Yes, there is. Call the police. What happens if someone finds out that he's here?"
Dad rubbed his temple, not saying anything until he parked the car in the driveway. "I don't know what to do, okay? He told me that he would disappear right after he saw you graduate. Dean, the man just wants to be there for you."
I unfastened my seatbelt so I could turn to face my dad. "Well, it's a little too late, don't you think? Where was he when I graduated from elementary school or the eighth grade? Where was he on my first day of high school? Where was he at my first concert or football game or field show or wrestling match or baseball game? Where was he when I was growing up, Dad? That's right, he wasn't there. You were. Mom was. You were the ones who raised me. You were the one to teach me to shave and drive, the one I would make Father's day cards for in the fourth grade, the one who had awkward conversations with me in middle school. You were the one to teach me how to play baseball and football and gave me that talk that scared me so much I couldn't look you in the eye for a week when you caught me sneaking out with Blake to watch a movie at midnight on a Tuesday. You were the ones who were always there. You're my dad, not him. He dropped me and Sammy off with two strangers and some girl who hated me, and you were the ones who accepted us and loved us. I don't want him there, Dad." I watched him for a second, but I couldn't read his expression. "I want him to be in prison so he can't hurt anyone again."
Dad nodded. "Let's go, then. Jo, could you wait in the car and call the police while we stall?"
The only problem was that all the fire in me died out when I saw John Winchester, well almost all of it. I didn't think I could go through with facing him after all this time, but I almost set him on fire when he pulled me into a hug.
"Dean, my boy. You've grown up so much!"
I had to stop myself from doing and saying a lot of things. We were here to stall, so I had to play nice for now. I settled on gritting my teeth and replying, "It's been a while."
"How's Sam?"
"He's good."
"His birthday was a few weeks ago, right?" I nodded. What kind of person doesn't remember their son's birthday? "How old is he? Eleven?"
"Fourteen."
Dad stepped in, obviously handling this better than I was. "John, would you like something to drink?"
"A beer would be great."
Dad's thin smile said hell no, but aloud he said, "I'm afraid we ran out last night. How about a soda?"
John steered the conversation to my graduation, and eventually my dad led us outside. It didn't make sense until I heard the sirens in the distance. Dad pulled the concrete pad around John's feet, all the way up to his shins. He knew John would try to run from the cops again, but effectively stopped him.
"You're making a mistake." John was getting panicky. "Please don't let them come for me." But the sirens were already at our front yard. "Please, Bobby." He realized Dad wasn't budging and neither was he. He sighed, turning his head to me. "Dean, I came to see you. I came to talk to you."
"Well, you're about ten years too late for any of that."
The police were here, coming around the sides of the house. "No, you don't understand." Handcuffs were being put on him, the special kind that took away powers. "Castiel Novak," he spat out as the concrete was returned to its original position.
"What did you just say?" There was no way he could know about Cas. John knew nothing about my life. Hell, he didn't even know how old Sam was. So how did he know anything about Cas?
Despite being dragged away, I heard John's next words perfectly. "Your boyfriend, Castiel. He's still alive."