HARRY
We're soon enough on her couch, completely forgetting our dinner, she on top of me. Her hands travel across my body, behind the fabric of my t-shirt and her lips kiss my neck and jaw. She moves her pelvis on me, her crotch against my own, but nothing happens. Completely nothing. Closing my eyes doesn't work because she's not Scarlett. It's not her touch, or moans, it's just not her.
"God, it doesn't work..." I snort, feeling frustrated by my own body. I push her off my body and quickly get up, passing my hand through my quiff of hair with frustration.
"You suffer of erectile dysfunction?" She teases me and looks at me with an amused look on her face. I immediately feel annoyed and absolutely mortified by her assumptions. Yes, apparently and my erectile dysfunction is called Scarlett.
"No, my dick works perfectly." I glare at her. "Maybe you're just too desperate for my liking." I say, unable to hold my tongue back. She parts her lips at my words, immediately standing up from the couch, but before she can say anything at all I quickly walk toward the door to leave.
"No wonder she decided to fuck her shrink if you can't even get it up." She screams at me, standing on the doorway, when I'm already up the stairs to get back at my place.
"Don't worry, I have no fucking problem at getting it up with her." She hisses under her breath, before slamming the door at my face at her words. I immediately take my phone from my pocket and dial her number, just for it to go to voicemail after ringing for a bit. She declined my call. She made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to me and yet I'm here, feeling unable to let her go. I'm going to completely lose my mind if I don't talk to her right now.
Please. I need to talk to you. I feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind.
I type and quickly press send. I sit down on the steps of the stairs, patiently waiting for an answer. I can see that she reads it straight away, but she doesn't type anything back.
I'm serious. I don't feel good. Just talk to me
I send again, after waiting for a few minutes without her answering back.
What's wrong?
She types back.
I miss you. I wanna see you. I need to talk to you.
I type, after thinking about it for a few minutes. I don't want to lie to her. I keep staring at my phone, waiting for an answer.
We've already talked about it. I need my time.
I snort, immediately feeling like throwing the damn cellphone against the wall.
Can we just meet for a second? I promise I won't touch you
I try again, hoping that this time around works.
No. Turning off my phone now. Stop it.
I kick the railing of the stairs in a moment of fury, feeling every limb of my body being filled up with rage and sadness. I snort, rubbing my face with frustration. When my cellphone starts ringing, I immediately answer it, without really checking the caller.
"Scarlett?" I hopefully ask, feeling my chest calming down just for a second.
"God, you're truly obsessed." I snort again when I recognize my father's voice and fall back in my state of disappointment and fury. "I'd get a restrictive order on you, if I was in her."
"What do you want?" I ask with annoyance, ignoring his last comment.
"I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner." He tells me. Maybe I need to take my head off of her for a bit. It's not the best idea being locked in with just my mind that's gonna be filled up by her.
"Alright." I stand up. "Where and when?"
"The Ritz Carlton in ten minutes? Can you make it?"
"Yeah, I'm already out the door." I tell him, deciding not to explain more. I'm sure he can't wait to listen about how my dick didn't get up. "See you there." I end the call and put my phone back in my pocket.
I really needed to get the awful taste of that roast out of my mouth and thankfully dinner here is not that bad at all. My father has been talking non stop about work and some business he's concluded here, as if I would give a fuck about it right now, but I don't tell him. I just let him talk, enjoying my lobster, and nodding my head here and there.
"What's wrong with you tonight?" He asks me at some point, probably noticing my bad humor.
"Scarlett doesn't want to see me." I complain like a small kid.
"And you're surprised?!" He rolls his eyes. "I wouldn't want to see you either. You're a fucking pain in the ass, son." I furrow my eyebrows, glaring at him. I could literally be breathing and he would still see me like a pain in the ass, his opinion doesn't really count. As if he would ever take my side.
"What have I even done now?!" I raise my hand in exasperation, asking for his explanation any way.
"She needs time. She's already told you." He shrugs his shoulders.
"I just want to be near her, even as a friend." I snort, rolling my eyes.
"She clearly doesn't consider you as her friend and I doubt you could ever be friends." He laughs at me.
"I can keep it in my pants, unlike you." I make him notice and he raises his eyebrows at my words, sighing.
"Maybe too much." He whispers and I immediately feel the urgent desire of kicking me from under the table.
"Today I was about to have sex with my neighbor." I decide to confess. He immediately brings his eyes on me and I have his full attention. "And I couldn't get it up because she wasn't Scarlett." My father parts his lips at my confession.
"Do you need a Doctor, son?" I immediately snort at his words and roll my eyes.
"No, it gets up just fine if I think about Scarlett."
"Then a psychologist, maybe."
"Fuck you and every psychologist out there." He furrows his eyebrows at my words, probably confused by my sudden hatred for psychologists, but I get it just fine. I immediately feel nervous again thinking about the fact that I don't know whatever I'm right or not about her and Spencer.
After eating the dessert too, which for me is a chocolate soufflé, my father pays the bill and then we both get up to leave.
"Do you have a room here?" I ask him, when we both get to the hall. I assume he has, or we wouldn't have had dinner here and, in fact, he nods his head. "Alright, I'll see y-" I stop in the middle of my sentence, when I recognize two people, in particular, getting in. I immediately forget what I was trying to say and all my resentment, when I see the person that I so desperately was hoping to see tonight. Scarlett looks as beautiful as usual, while she laughs at something her father probably has said. Next to her there's another blonde woman, older than her.
"Are you listening to me?!" My father brings me back to reality when he raises his voice. I bring my eyes back on him for a second and then bring them back on Scarlett immediately. She laughs again, pushing her neck backwards and pulling out of her shoulders her blonde waves. My father turns around, to look at the same thing I'm looking at and when he sees her too he rolls his eyes.
"God, no..." he snorts. "Leave her alone, Harry." He warns me, but I'm already halfway toward her to listen to him. She sees me when I'm a few steps away from her, and the smile quickly disappears from her face. She crosses her arms to her chest and gives me a wary look.
"What are you doing here?" She immediately asks and at this point both the blonde woman and her father have turned toward me.
"Uhm... I had dinner with my father." I tell her. "He's staying here." I don't want to seem to clingy, or as if I have been following her around. My father is right when he says that I don't have to scare her away.
"Conrad!" We're both distracted by the voice of them woman next to her that takes a few steps toward my father, that has reached me now, to greet him.
"Celine?" He furrows his eyebrows, quite surprised to see her here. "What are you doing here?" Scarlett looks at the scene very confused, as much as me.
"She's my daughter." The blonde woman, which name is Celine, points at Scarlett and I immediately part my lips. I must have missed out a lot. Connor looks at her quite confused too. "It's complicated." She just says, understanding immediately Conrad's confusion.
"You know each other?" Scarlett asks warily.
"Yeah... he had business with my late husband." Celine says. God, that's really a small world. "Is he your son?" She asks at my father, pointing at me.
"The one and only!" My father says proudly, patting my shoulder. Celine stretches her hand toward me and I shake it.
"Nice to meet you!" She smiles and I smile back. "Is he your boyfriend?" She asks Scarlett. I can see Scarlett glaring at her and Aaron rolling his eyes.
"No!"
"Yes!"
We both say in unison. Celine giggles and Scarlett glares at me, before snorting.
"I mean... I was. So, no." I correct myself, keeping in mind my father's words. Scarlett's stare on me slightly softens at my words.
"Got it... not my business!" Celine says amused, raising her hands in defense.
"Can I talk to you in private for just a second?" I know perfectly that she won't make a scene in front of her parents, so I take advantage of the situation. She sighs, thinking about it for a few seconds.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to." Aaron tells her, rubbing her back to comfort her. She doesn't flinch or shiver like when I touch him. I wonder if with Spencer is the same. I feel my guts twisting at the thought of it.
"It's alright..." she slightly smiles at her father. "Won't take too long." She tells him, before following me in a calmer corner of the hotel.
"Make it quick!" She tells me, keeping her arms crossed to her chest. It almost seems like a form of defense from me.
"I know you said you need your time and you don't want a relationship but I feel like going crazy if you don't tell me the truth." I nervously rub my forehead, while she just looks at me with confusion all over her face.
"What truth?"
"Is there something between you and Spencer?" I go straight to the point. She immediately snorts at my question and rolls her eyes.
"I can't even bear getting touched and you think I could have any type of relationship with someone?!" She tells me, whispering with a very hard tone of voice. Her eyes immediately water up and I can see the way she tries to fight back her tears. I immediately feel like a complete idiot for even thinking about it.
"I'm sorry..." I whisper while shaking my head at my own stupidity. She takes a deep breath, still fighting against her will to cry. "I know what you said but I can't stay out of your life." I sniff and immediately shake my head at my words.
"I feel suffocated, Harry." She admits, mimicking the gesture of being chocked. "I need to be able to keep you out of my head for a bit." She sniffs. "You, the person I was, our child..." a sob escapes her lips at her words and I feel a stab in my chest too. We share the same aching pain and we both don't know if it's ever going to get better. If she needs to keep me out of her sight to get better, what I need is keeping her near. I need to know that we're going to have more of those memories. That we'll have other chances to create a life, our own. That I'll be able to touch her again without feeling her shaking behind my skin. I need all of these certainty, or I'll completely lose my mind.
"I'm sorry that you feel this way..." I sniff, trying to keep my tears from falling down. "But you need to know that the only thing keeping me sane is the thought of you. Of having you again." Both of our tears start streaming down at my words and she immediately pushes them away.
"You need to find another reason, because I'm not sure I'll ever want to go back to how things were." She whispers with her voice still shaking. She doesn't give me the time to answer, or to fully process her words. She dries her tears and she turns around, to go back to her parents. I feel a sharp pain in my chest, once I realize her words. Once I realize that she's just destroyed even my last bit of hope, the only thing I was holding to.
SCARLETT
Once I go back to my father and Celine I find myself fully shaking by what has just happened. I try to calm down and not think about my discussion with Harry of a minute ago. My father brings his hand on my back and he rubs it, trying to comfort me through his touch.
"Are you ok?" He asks me when he sees my watery eyes and hears me sniffing, but I quickly nod my head anyway.
"He's very cute." Celine says amused. I'd like to tell her that he's way more than just cute but it doesn't seem like a good moment. "And he's gonna inherit a big fortune from his father. I like him." She adds, after thinking about it for a while.
"Celine..." my father scolds her.
"What?!" She shrugs her shoulders. "I was just saying. If she doesn't know what to do in life she could just marry him."
"That's not a very good advice!" He shakes his head and sighs. "Don't listen to her!" My father tells me and I feel like laughing right now. My mother couldn't be any more different from me.
"Can we go home?" I yawn, feeling extremely exhausted right now. My father immediately nods his head so I turn around toward my mother to give her a hug. It's the first hug of the day between me and her. It didn't feel natural to hug a stranger at first.
"Have a goodnight!" She smiles and rubs my back. "I'll see you tomorrow then." I nod my head.
*
After the dinner yesterday I had invited Celine to come have lunch with us at home today. I don't think she enjoys being alone, just like me. She didn't drink too much last night at dinner, so she probably drinks when she finds herself alone, on her own, because that's what helps her coping. When I leave my room to get breakfast I immediately stop in the middle of the living room when I notice Spencer sat on our couch.
"Spence!" I say in a mix of both excitement and surprise. He raises his stare from the papers on his lap and immediately smiles at me when he sees me. "What are you doing here?" I walk toward the couch and sit down next to him.
"Work!" He shows me the papers on his lap. "Aaron has told me you met your mother yesterday." He smiles. "That's very good, Scarlett!"
"Yes..." I nod my head with a smile on my lips. "She's a very particular person, but she's nice." I shrug my shoulders.
"Yeah, Aaron has told me about it too." He giggles and he seems all of sudden all embarrassed at the thought of it.
"Good morning, angel!" My father tells me when he enters the living room, with more folders in his hands. He lowers toward me and kisses my forehead and I smile.
"Morning!" I tell him. "Do you want anything from the kitchen?" I ask, once I get up from the couch to get my breakfast. They both shake their head so I leave the living room to reach the kitchen but I'm soon enough blocked by the sound of the door bell. I spy from the peephole, before opening the door and I'm quite surprised when I see Celine, since she's very early. I'm still in my pajama, which is an old Poe's oversized sweater with a pair of socks.
"You're early!" I tell her, as soon as I open the door. She takes off her black sunglasses and puts them back in her designer bag. She nods her head at my words, coming in anyway, so I close the door behind her.
"I know, I was bored!" She shrugs her shoulders and looks around, not really knowing where to go.
"There are my father and my..." I think about how to exactly call Spencer, since he's not exactly my psychologist. "Friend. Which is also his friend." She furrows her eyebrows, quite confused by my definition, but follows me into the living room without asking any questions.
"Hello!" She says, once she sees Aaron and Spencer and they both bring their eyes on her.
"Hello Celine!" My father politely says. "This is Dr. Spencer Hall." He points at Spencer who stands up and offers her his hand to shake, which she immediately does.
"I'm Celine, Scarlett's biological mother." She says, sitting down on the couch in front of them right after and I decide to let my breakfast go and just sit down next to her. "Aren't you too young to be a doctor?" She asks Spencer.
"I'm not a medical doctor. I have PhDs, three of them." He tells her and my mother just seems more confused than before.
"And he helps me with my therapy." I add with a smile, looking at me.
"I think we're gonna finish this in another moment..." my father says at Spencer, putting back into orders the various folders and then getting up to bring them back to his office.
"Oh, so you're a psychologist!" My mother says. "You should've said it sooner!" She shrugs her shoulders and Spencer quickly opens his mouth to reply.
"Not exactly... I do have a B.A. in psychology, though." He nods his head, not fully explaining it to her because he probably already knows she wouldn't understand. "Other than philosophy and sociology."
"So you're a genius, or something?!" She asks with her eyebrows furrowed.
"I d-" Spencer opens his mouth to explain, but I quickly stop him.
"Yes!" I say in simpler terms for her.
"That's hot!" She stretches her arm toward him and caresses his thigh. At her action and words Spencer becomes all red in the face and I feel extremely bothered by it, for some reason.
"Leave him alone, mom!" I push her hand away and she looks at me quite amused. Spencer takes advantage of the situation to get up and probably escape away.
"Uhm... I think I'm gonna see what Aaron is doing!" He coughs and points toward the corridor and without really waiting for an answer he walks away, leaving the two of us on our own.
"You like him!" She whispers amused, as soon as Spencer is gone. I gasp at her assumption, quickly shaking my head.
"I don't!" I pinch her on her forearm, to make her shut up. "I like him as a person!"
"Is there a difference?!" She rolls her eyes and sighs, with a smart grin on her face.
"Yes!" I nod my head. "He's my therapist!"
"Well, he likes you for sure!" This time, I feel my cheeks getting flushed at the thought.
"No way!" I try to protest but then curiosity gets the best of me. "How do you know?"
"By the way he looks at you." She says, as if it's the most obvious thing. "Trust me, I know these stuff!" She says, before getting up and walking out of the living room. "I want some coffee!" She stops on her tracks, remembering that she doesn't know where the kitchen is. I stand up too to bring her to the kitchen. Maybe I'm finally going to have my breakfast.
Celina has offered some help to my mom to cook lunch and I really didn't want to assist to that. For some reason I can't imagine her as a person that particularly enjoys cooking or is any good at it. With the excuse of getting dressed I left them both in the kitchen and I took a long shower. Once I'm fully dressed, I go out to smoke a cigarette in peace, momentarily away from all the noises coming from out of my room. I don't smoke a lot, it hasn't became a habit yet, it just helps me relax sometimes. I lit up my cigarette and then bring it to my lips.
"Six minutes." I immediately turn around, seeing Spencer sitting down next to me. I look at him with my eyebrows furrowed. "Every cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off the end of your life." He explains to me with a smile. "I used to tell this to my mom. I'd tell her: "six minutes less I get to spend with you.""
"I should stop..." I nod my head and smile at his story. "I don't smoke a lot, though." I know it's not a justification, because that's the way an addiction always starts, but it's something. "Are you staying for lunch?"
"Your mom invited me but I don't know..." he shrugs his shoulders.
"You should stay!" I pat his shoulders with a big smile on my lips. "You can't miss out on Annalise's and Celine's food." We both giggle at the idea. "I'm kind of scared she's gonna revise all the receipts with a bit of Whiskey."
"I think I will then." He nods his head and giggles. "I really can't miss it out."
"Are you helping my father and his team on mine and Elle's case?" I decide to ask, once I'm done with my cigarette.
"Yes, but don't worry, I don't use what you tell me during therapies." He quickly says.
"It's fine, I trust you! Plus it's a federal investigation... I prefer you telling my father details, instead of me." I shrug my shoulders, slightly smiling at him. "It's just that my father doesn't tell me anything but I'm not even sure if I wanna know or not, to be honest." I admit to him. I've been torturing myself about wanting to know or not for a long time now and I still don't have an answer.
"It's normal... you're not ready to face details that might make you revive what has happened to you." Spencer explains. "It's a coping mechanism."
"You think it's wrong?"
"I don't think you should push yourself too much." He slightly smiles. "You've just gotten back home and you've excelled in a lot of ways already."
"I can't even tolerate people touching me, unless they're from my family..." I shake my head with discouragement just thinking about what I feel when someone touches my body.
"You have problems with facing your memories because you're in a light state of denial. You don't want to be seen as a victim." He points at the sweater I'm wearing. "And that's also why you don't feel comfortable in showing your scars." I automatically feel like tugging at the sleeves of my sweater at the mention of them, as form of defense.
"I tell you everything, though." I cross my arms to my chest and glance at him. He nods my head at my words.
"That's because I'm your therapist and it's different from talking to your family or to someone else you care about."
"No, I don't see you as a stranger." I quickly shake my head. "I feel safe talking to you, I don't feel judged."
"What I'm trying to say is that you don't need to push yourself too far by blocking out your memories." I nod my head, trying to keep his advice in mind. I take a few steps toward him, taking a deep breath, before bringing my hand to his own, caressing the back of his hand. He immediately understands what I'm trying to do and he brings his eyes on my face, to examine my reaction. He slowly caresses the back of my hand, with his index and carefully glances at me. There're no kind of memories coming to surface, pain or negative feeling.
"Do you two wanna eat or what?" We immediately turn toward Celine, me slightly jumping at her sudden interruption, who's staring at us from the doorway of my room.
"Y-yes!" Spencer nods his head, immediately backing away from me and going back to my room to reach the dining room and I follow him back inside.
"Did I interrupt something?" Celine asks amused, when I'm about to leave my room to reach the others.
"No, absolutely nothing!" I shake my head, trying to go back inside, but she blocks me.
"Is that why you rejected Conrad's son yesterday?" I part my lips, feeling immediately annoyed by her assumption and I shake my head.
"You don't understand, Celine..." I sigh, rubbing nervously my forehead. "I love him but all we do is hurting each other." I shake my head. There's nothing I want more than being out of this conversation and sat at that damn table right now. "And I'm exhausted, I can't do it anymore."
"So you're scared?!" She practically assumes, crossing her arms to her chest.
"Maybe I am and I have every right to be." I decide to end the conversation by turning around and starting walking toward the dining room. As painful as it can be, I need to look forward. I can't make the same mistakes again and if it means saying goodbye to Harry then so it will be.