46th Day
I got ready in slow motion to go to school today. Finally, the "big day" had arrived to show the schoolwork. In the meantime, we had already changed song about three times. My English was grotesque when I was nervous. My hands were already sweating cold before I even got to school. I always hated to have to present work in the classroom. And everything seemed to get worse because of my excessive shyness. This time I had Ben to give me some moral support. He was not ashamed of anything, but I was still looking for what caused him shame. I wanted to use this against him, to defend myself against all the times he rubs it in my constant redness, only making my current condition worse.
We were in the last class, and I hoped there was not enough time for Ben and me to introduce ourselves today. I was looking at my cell phone minute by minute. I wanted to be aware of every minute that was going on. Ben placed his hand over mine on the table, suggesting that I should stop drumming my fingers on the table. He gave me a serene smile so I would calm down. I felt a look burning me, and I saw that it was my mother watching us. She made it clear she did not want to we show affection in the classroom, or anywhere else in the school. Ben took his hand from mine immediately.
"I'm on the verge of a fit of nerves," I whispered to Ben.
"Keep calm. It will not be that bad. I will sing so loud that no one will listen to you."
"Gabrielle and Benjamin, you're next," I almost saw the classroom spin, as soon as my mother announced our names.
I waited for Ben to come in front of me while I held the notebook sheet with the lyrics of the song. The reason I took the notebook sheet was not that I had not memorized the words; I had a good memory but wanted to hide my face in front of the classroom.
My mother turned on the stereo, so echoing the first tones of the song in the classroom. My heart quickened every time I got closer to opening my mouth. Ben started while I was still silent; I heard some laughter and wanted a secret place to be well hidden. Ben looked at me, inducing me to sing, encouraged by him to open my mouth, and my voice came out almost inaudible. I was doing a great job as a second voice. Maybe my voice could be classified as the third voice. The lyrics to the song where it said I could do anything was not having that effect on me. After 03:09 minutes singing Angel By The Wings by Sia, the torture was finally over. I returned to my desk lowering my head. Ben looked at me again, and said something:
"Elle, why did you do it? I could not hear you."
"I'm screwed," I leaned over the desk already hoping for the worst.
"Elle, I'm just not going to give you a bad grade because I do not want to mess up your report card," My mother said as soon as we got into the car. "What was that?"
"I'm sorry, Mother. I became paralyzed. I did not make it."
"It was only to have opened the mouth and to have sung. Everybody did it."
"It was not my intention."
I looked out the window of the car, and I saw Ben's mother, accompanying him. He waved at me. I wanted to get out of the car and leave with him. I did not want to hear my mother's sermons because I got the first bad grade since I began my school life.
I am finally going to get my freedom from school, where many of the students have been pissing me off ever since. My freedom was near. I had already made all the requisites to enter a college in the United States, but I still had not received any response. My mother has saved for years, eager for this day to come. Therefore, she decided to go over her pride, and give me the best grade for my ridiculous presentation. She would not mess my report card with a bad grade, was not a right thing to do, not now.
Already on the 52nd Day
My mom released my evening out with Benjamin to celebrate the end of high school. We went to a pizzeria in the neighborhood in the company of Carla and Bernardo.
Ben felt completely unhappy that he could not have invited Fernando. Carla did not want to, and Bernardo seemed to feel uncomfortable every time we said the boy's name, but it was all Ben's fault, that with every comment he made, he managed to put Fernando's name in the conversation.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked when I got Ben out of the pizzeria.
"This what?"
"Fernando. You've spoken his name a thousand times today."
"You are exaggerating. I'm sure it wasn't over a hundred."
"Really? I thought you liked your cousin."
"I like him. He's the little brother I've never had," Ben gave a loud laugh, and as always drawing everyone's attention around. I was seriously thinking of not going to any other public place with him. I regretted having those thoughts a few days later. "Bernardo is a nice guy. I admit it, but Fernando is looking better than I expected. Bernardo and I played together when we were kids, but we were not that close. It happened more when my aunt went to my house or vice versa. It also happened that she wanted to force Bernardo to ask me to go out after the accident. Ben has a party today. He kept repeating so much this, that I told him that the next time he came to my house and repeated this, I would make sure he was out of his teeth."
"Would you do that?"
"Of course not. I would not cause my aunt any discomfort."
"What a plausible reason. I thought you would not do this because you are a person who is against physical violence."
"I'm joking, you serious lady."
"So stop joking, and tell me that you will stop mentioning Fernando's name in front of Carla and Bernardo?"
"If this is to leave you in a good mood, I promise, but you have to admit that you were wrong not to have invited Fernando. It is not a couples gathering; it is a celebration. I think Fernando also had the right to be here."
"Great! You will not need to torture yourself anymore. Hi Fernando!" Ben raised his hand and waved.
"Ben, you didn't do this, did you?" I glanced at the back and saw Fernando approaching. He was already close enough that I did not give Ben a scolding. He planned everything in hidden. I felt like an idiot. I gave Fernando a yellow smile, thinking how this would be embarrassing.
"I will kill you," I whispered to Ben.
"I make you surrender to love for me in two seconds."
"In those two seconds, you're already dead."
"The bus was late," Fernando said, turning my attention away from Ben.
"You didn't miss anything important," Ben said smiling.
"We'd better go. Carla and Bernardo should be waiting for us," I said Bernardo's name in emphasis, just to confirm my suspicion that Ben had not told Fernando that he would come. I am sure if he had said, Fernando would not have agreed to come.
"Is he there?" Fernando said in a low tone, and slightly disconcerting. "Ben said it was going to be just us and Carla."
"Fernando, I cannot believe you still believe everything Ben says."
"Wow! My girlfriend thinks like that about me. Broke up with me now," Ben said putting his hand to his heart as if he had pain, and then he smiled.
"Ben, you're a terrible friend," Fernando was still calm as he spoke the words.
"My intention was not to cause all this embarrassment. I just really wanted you to celebrate with us. I'm sorry if I thought we were friends so we could celebrate something together," Now it seemed that Ben was offended.
"Ben, silent, and you Fernando cannot leave. You left your neighborhood to come to ours. It is not fair that you leave. Carla will not mind having you with us."
"And Bernardo?"
"I'm sure he will not mind either. He does not know you, and he has never heard of you. He will not bother to have another one on the table."
"Elle's learning to lie."
"What part did you not understand to keep silent?"
"The part that you're not my boss."
"Ben, please!" Ben snorted and fell silent. "Fernando, I need to know the truth. Do you like Carla? Do you love her?"
"No."
"What?" I was amazed at the direct response from Fernando. My eyes went to Ben, asking an extra help to continue the subject.
"They like to call me an asshole," Ben said referring to Carla and me. "You are one. Besides idiot, sluggish, stupid, stupid and stupid again," This was not the help I wanted from him.
"Just because his feelings for Elle have turned into love does not mean that mine for Carla has to change as well."
"But you looked all bothered when you saw Carla with Bernardo in front of the school that day," Fernando flushed with Benjamin's attempt to persuade him.
"I already explained my reasons."
"Blah blah blah!"
"Seriously, Elle, do you like him?" Fernando said pointing at Ben.
"One day he will grow up and stop acting like this."
"Do you still have hope? He is almost twenty years old."
"Almost twenty years old? I have almost a year until I am twenty. You are taking the day off to offend me today. I don't like it."
"We're just joking. We like you that way," I caressed Ben's face, which held my hand and placed a kiss on it. Fernando feigned a cough.
"I'm already feeling left over, do not make my status even worse. No lovely-dovey stuff, please."
Ben managed to convince Fernando to join us. With his head down, he was visibly red, stuffing his hands into his pocket trying to hide his nervousness. I imagined myself in his place and knew how painful this must be for him. I had to have a serious conversation with Benjamin later.
Carla had the same reaction as Fernando. I saw panic build up in her face as soon as she saw Fernando. Her rosy cheeks gained even more color. She looked away to the table. Bernardo noticed our presence, and he turned his gaze to us. He looked at Fernando a little puzzled, then at Ben, and smiled. I was sure his wish was to kill his cousin at that moment. He knew Benjamin enough to realize that the thin boy next to us was Fernando.
"You took too long," He said in a polite tone, but that I knew as soon as he had a chance alone with Ben would exfoliate him. I give him the reason. I would be annoyed if someone that I liked very much would bring Jessica to eat pizza with Ben and me.
"We were waiting for FERNANDO," Ben said Fernando's name in a particularly unique way as if he meant, Look, Bernardo, this is Fernando, that guy you're thinking of, the one I announced the name thousands of times here at this table.
"Hi, Fernando! All right?" Carla asked in bewilderment. He nodded.
"Hello! I am Bernardo. Benjamin must have told me to you," Bernardo introduced himself and extended his hand to Fernando, who shook hands with him, as the polite boy I always knew he was. Fernando gave a shy smile showing his braces.
The waiter arrived with our pizza. We settled down in our places. I sat beside Carla, preventing Fernando from doing so, over Ben's eyes daring him to do it.
I was not surprised when Bernardo said he would pursue a psychology career. He inherited the interest in knowing the mind of the people of his mother. He asked Fernando what his fate would be in college.
"I still depend on the outcome of the Enem grade," He replied with a sip of the soda.
"Depending on what you choose, your job is already guaranteed. I'll try to persuade my father to hire you."
"I'll remind him, huh!" Fernando replied to Ben.
"And you, Carla, dear?"
"I'm still thinking. I didn't make any decisions, Ben, dear."
"I think we can still be friends. Not to say that just because high school ended we need to move away. Carla and Fernando, you can come to my house whenever you want. We can already arrange."
"It will be a pleasure to go to your house together with my girlfriend," Bernardo replied.
"I do not remember inviting you."
"Good thing I do not need your invitation."
"Yep, you have a free pass, but do not get me wrong. You are not part of the school's friendships cycle. The program between alumni. Do you understand?"
"I do. I still wonder why Auntie did not give you for adoption when you gave the first signs that you were not a very normal guy?" Ben laughed.
"I had to be here today to remind you who is the family's favorite."
"Are you sure you're the oldest at this table?" Carla fired. They both smiled together, not caring what Carla had said.
"I think idiocy comes from family," Fernando murmured.
"Can you repeat it so I can be sure I heard it right?" Bernardo asked, still demonstrating the tranquility he had always had.
"That way I cannot defend you, man. You keep kidding me like this in front of everyone; it's not right."
"And who says I'm kidding?" Carla and I looked at each other. Since when did Fernando talk like that? Was it jealous? But jealous after he declared that he had no love for Carla?
"We better stop here," I said as I cut a piece of pizza. "Bernardo, I'm sure Fernando is not serious. And Ben, stop teasing."
"I'm just going to obey because you have a knife in your hand."
We finished the pizza and walked home. Carla left with Bernardo. Fernando refused the boy's ride. Ben and I made company at him at the bus stop.
"I'm sorry for implying that you're an idiot," Fernando said a little sheepishly.
"Implying? You practically said this, but I will not be mad at you for it. I deserved it."
The two gave a friendly handshake. We were there for ten minutes waiting for the bus. We took our leave of Fernando and headed toward our houses. Ben followed me to mine.
"Ben, I do not like certain things you do," I said climbing the sidewalk of my house.
"Elle, please, I already have a mother," He braked the wheelchair, and held it in my fist, then pulled me into his lap.
"Really. I do not want you to push things between Fernando and Carla."
"I did nothing."
"You did know that Carla would not feel at ease with the presence of Bernardo and Fernando in the same place. Fernando, you saw how bland he was. He looked like he was going to be sick when Bernardo kissed Carla's face. You have not thought about your friend's feelings or your cousin's..." Ben put his hand over my mouth making me stop talking.
"I got it!" I bit his hand, making him scream. "Shit, Elle! Why did you do that?"
"Because you deserved this."
"When I bite you, you will not have the right to complain. What sharp teeth..."
"Do not finish, Ben."
"I know what I did was wrong when I saw I already had done. I did not know it could be that bad," Ben rubbed his hand in an attempt to ease the pain.
"Now you know."
"I will not do more, Mom."
"This is how it is said, baby."
"I said that I would make you surrender to love again for me in two seconds."
"Oh really? It seemed more than two seconds. I think it was not right."
"So let's start over. Ben held my face closer to his mouth. I closed my eyes, eager for a kiss from him. "See, one, two..."46th Day
I got ready in slow motion to go to school today. Finally, the "big day" had arrived to show the schoolwork. In the meantime, we had already changed song about three times. My English was grotesque when I was nervous. My hands were already sweating cold before I even got to school. I always hated to have to present work in the classroom. And everything seemed to get worse because of my excessive shyness. This time I had Ben to give me some moral support. He was not ashamed of anything, but I was still looking for what caused him shame. I wanted to use this against him, to defend myself against all the times he rubs it in my constant redness, only making my current condition worse.
We were in the last class, and I hoped there was not enough time for Ben and me to introduce ourselves today. I was looking at my cell phone minute by minute. I wanted to be aware of every minute that was going on. Ben placed his hand over mine on the table, suggesting that I should stop drumming my fingers on the table. He gave me a serene smile so I would calm down. I felt a look burning me, and I saw that it was my mother watching us. She made it clear she did not want to we show affection in the classroom, or anywhere else in the school. Ben took his hand from mine immediately.
"I'm on the verge of a fit of nerves," I whispered to Ben.
"Keep calm. It will not be that bad. I will sing so loud that no one will listen to you."
"Gabrielle and Benjamin, you're next," I almost saw the classroom spin, as soon as my mother announced our names.
I waited for Ben to come in front of me while I held the notebook sheet with the lyrics of the song. The reason I took the notebook sheet was not that I had not memorized the words; I had a good memory but wanted to hide my face in front of the classroom.
My mother turned on the stereo, so echoing the first tones of the song in the classroom. My heart quickened every time I got closer to opening my mouth. Ben started while I was still silent; I heard some laughter and wanted a secret place to be well hidden. Ben looked at me, inducing me to sing, encouraged by him to open my mouth, and my voice came out almost inaudible. I was doing a great job as a second voice. Maybe my voice could be classified as the third voice. The lyrics to the song where it said I could do anything was not having that effect on me. After 03:09 minutes singing Angel By The Wings by Sia, the torture was finally over. I returned to my desk lowering my head. Ben looked at me again, and said something:
"Elle, why did you do it? I could not hear you."
"I'm screwed," I leaned over the desk already hoping for the worst.
"Elle, I'm just not going to give you a bad grade because I do not want to mess up your report card," My mother said as soon as we got into the car. "What was that?"
"I'm sorry, Mother. I became paralyzed. I did not make it."
"It was only to have opened the mouth and to have sung. Everybody did it."
"It was not my intention."
I looked out the window of the car, and I saw Ben's mother, accompanying him. He waved at me. I wanted to get out of the car and leave with him. I did not want to hear my mother's sermons because I got the first bad grade since I began my school life.
I am finally going to get my freedom from school, where many of the students have been pissing me off ever since. My freedom was near. I had already made all the requisites to enter a college in the United States, but I still had not received any response. My mother has saved for years, eager for this day to come. Therefore, she decided to go over her pride, and give me the best grade for my ridiculous presentation. She would not mess my report card with a bad grade, was not a right thing to do, not now.
Already on the 52nd Day
My mom released my evening out with Benjamin to celebrate the end of high school. We went to a pizzeria in the neighborhood in the company of Carla and Bernardo.
Ben felt completely unhappy that he could not have invited Fernando. Carla did not want to, and Bernardo seemed to feel uncomfortable every time we said the boy's name, but it was all Ben's fault, that with every comment he made, he managed to put Fernando's name in the conversation.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked when I got Ben out of the pizzeria.
"This what?"
"Fernando. You've spoken his name a thousand times today."
"You are exaggerating. I'm sure it wasn't over a hundred."
"Really? I thought you liked your cousin."
"I like him. He's the little brother I've never had," Ben gave a loud laugh, and as always drawing everyone's attention around. I was seriously thinking of not going to any other public place with him. I regretted having those thoughts a few days later. "Bernardo is a nice guy. I admit it, but Fernando is looking better than I expected. Bernardo and I played together when we were kids, but we were not that close. It happened more when my aunt went to my house or vice versa. It also happened that she wanted to force Bernardo to ask me to go out after the accident. Ben has a party today. He kept repeating so much this, that I told him that the next time he came to my house and repeated this, I would make sure he was out of his teeth."
"Would you do that?"
"Of course not. I would not cause my aunt any discomfort."
"What a plausible reason. I thought you would not do this because you are a person who is against physical violence."
"I'm joking, you serious lady."
"So stop joking, and tell me that you will stop mentioning Fernando's name in front of Carla and Bernardo?"
"If this is to leave you in a good mood, I promise, but you have to admit that you were wrong not to have invited Fernando. It is not a couples gathering; it is a celebration. I think Fernando also had the right to be here."
"Great! You will not need to torture yourself anymore. Hi Fernando!" Ben raised his hand and waved.
"Ben, you didn't do this, did you?" I glanced at the back and saw Fernando approaching. He was already close enough that I did not give Ben a scolding. He planned everything in hidden. I felt like an idiot. I gave Fernando a yellow smile, thinking how this would be embarrassing.
"I will kill you," I whispered to Ben.
"I make you surrender to love for me in two seconds."
"In those two seconds, you're already dead."
"The bus was late," Fernando said, turning my attention away from Ben.
"You didn't miss anything important," Ben said smiling.
"We'd better go. Carla and Bernardo should be waiting for us," I said Bernardo's name in emphasis, just to confirm my suspicion that Ben had not told Fernando that he would come. I am sure if he had said, Fernando would not have agreed to come.
"Is he there?" Fernando said in a low tone, and slightly disconcerting. "Ben said it was going to be just us and Carla."
"Fernando, I cannot believe you still believe everything Ben says."
"Wow! My girlfriend thinks like that about me. Broke up with me now," Ben said putting his hand to his heart as if he had pain, and then he smiled.
"Ben, you're a terrible friend," Fernando was still calm as he spoke the words.
"My intention was not to cause all this embarrassment. I just really wanted you to celebrate with us. I'm sorry if I thought we were friends so we could celebrate something together," Now it seemed that Ben was offended.
"Ben, silent, and you Fernando cannot leave. You left your neighborhood to come to ours. It is not fair that you leave. Carla will not mind having you with us."
"And Bernardo?"
"I'm sure he will not mind either. He does not know you, and he has never heard of you. He will not bother to have another one on the table."
"Elle's learning to lie."
"What part did you not understand to keep silent?"
"The part that you're not my boss."
"Ben, please!" Ben snorted and fell silent. "Fernando, I need to know the truth. Do you like Carla? Do you love her?"
"No."
"What?" I was amazed at the direct response from Fernando. My eyes went to Ben, asking an extra help to continue the subject.
"They like to call me an asshole," Ben said referring to Carla and me. "You are one. Besides idiot, sluggish, stupid, stupid and stupid again," This was not the help I wanted from him.
"Just because his feelings for Elle have turned into love does not mean that mine for Carla has to change as well."
"But you looked all bothered when you saw Carla with Bernardo in front of the school that day," Fernando flushed with Benjamin's attempt to persuade him.
"I already explained my reasons."
"Blah blah blah!"
"Seriously, Elle, do you like him?" Fernando said pointing at Ben.
"One day he will grow up and stop acting like this."
"Do you still have hope? He is almost twenty years old."
"Almost twenty years old? I have almost a year until I am twenty. You are taking the day off to offend me today. I don't like it."
"We're just joking. We like you that way," I caressed Ben's face, which held my hand and placed a kiss on it. Fernando feigned a cough.
"I'm already feeling left over, do not make my status even worse. No lovely-dovey stuff, please."
Ben managed to convince Fernando to join us. With his head down, he was visibly red, stuffing his hands into his pocket trying to hide his nervousness. I imagined myself in his place and knew how painful this must be for him. I had to have a serious conversation with Benjamin later.
Carla had the same reaction as Fernando. I saw panic build up in her face as soon as she saw Fernando. Her rosy cheeks gained even more color. She looked away to the table. Bernardo noticed our presence, and he turned his gaze to us. He looked at Fernando a little puzzled, then at Ben, and smiled. I was sure his wish was to kill his cousin at that moment. He knew Benjamin enough to realize that the thin boy next to us was Fernando.
"You took too long," He said in a polite tone, but that I knew as soon as he had a chance alone with Ben would exfoliate him. I give him the reason. I would be annoyed if someone that I liked very much would bring Jessica to eat pizza with Ben and me.
"We were waiting for FERNANDO," Ben said Fernando's name in a particularly unique way as if he meant, Look, Bernardo, this is Fernando, that guy you're thinking of, the one I announced the name thousands of times here at this table.
"Hi, Fernando! All right?" Carla asked in bewilderment. He nodded.
"Hello! I am Bernardo. Benjamin must have told me to you," Bernardo introduced himself and extended his hand to Fernando, who shook hands with him, as the polite boy I always knew he was. Fernando gave a shy smile showing his braces.
The waiter arrived with our pizza. We settled down in our places. I sat beside Carla, preventing Fernando from doing so, over Ben's eyes daring him to do it.
I was not surprised when Bernardo said he would pursue a psychology career. He inherited the interest in knowing the mind of the people of his mother. He asked Fernando what his fate would be in college.
"I still depend on the outcome of the Enem grade," He replied with a sip of the soda.
"Depending on what you choose, your job is already guaranteed. I'll try to persuade my father to hire you."
"I'll remind him, huh!" Fernando replied to Ben.
"And you, Carla, dear?"
"I'm still thinking. I didn't make any decisions, Ben, dear."
"I think we can still be friends. Not to say that just because high school ended we need to move away. Carla and Fernando, you can come to my house whenever you want. We can already arrange."
"It will be a pleasure to go to your house together with my girlfriend," Bernardo replied.
"I do not remember inviting you."
"Good thing I do not need your invitation."
"Yep, you have a free pass, but do not get me wrong. You are not part of the school's friendships cycle. The program between alumni. Do you understand?"
"I do. I still wonder why Auntie did not give you for adoption when you gave the first signs that you were not a very normal guy?" Ben laughed.
"I had to be here today to remind you who is the family's favorite."
"Are you sure you're the oldest at this table?" Carla fired. They both smiled together, not caring what Carla had said.
"I think idiocy comes from family," Fernando murmured.
"Can you repeat it so I can be sure I heard it right?" Bernardo asked, still demonstrating the tranquility he had always had.
"That way I cannot defend you, man. You keep kidding me like this in front of everyone; it's not right."
"And who says I'm kidding?" Carla and I looked at each other. Since when did Fernando talk like that? Was it jealous? But jealous after he declared that he had no love for Carla?
"We better stop here," I said as I cut a piece of pizza. "Bernardo, I'm sure Fernando is not serious. And Ben, stop teasing."
"I'm just going to obey because you have a knife in your hand."
We finished the pizza and walked home. Carla left with Bernardo. Fernando refused the boy's ride. Ben and I made company at him at the bus stop.
"I'm sorry for implying that you're an idiot," Fernando said a little sheepishly.
"Implying? You practically said this, but I will not be mad at you for it. I deserved it."
The two gave a friendly handshake. We were there for ten minutes waiting for the bus. We took our leave of Fernando and headed toward our houses. Ben followed me to mine.
"Ben, I do not like certain things you do," I said climbing the sidewalk of my house.
"Elle, please, I already have a mother," He braked the wheelchair, and held it in my fist, then pulled me into his lap.
"Really. I do not want you to push things between Fernando and Carla."
"I did nothing."
"You did know that Carla would not feel at ease with the presence of Bernardo and Fernando in the same place. Fernando, you saw how bland he was. He looked like he was going to be sick when Bernardo kissed Carla's face. You have not thought about your friend's feelings or your cousin's..." Ben put his hand over my mouth making me stop talking.
"I got it!" I bit his hand, making him scream. "Shit, Elle! Why did you do that?"
"Because you deserved this."
"When I bite you, you will not have the right to complain. What sharp teeth..."
"Do not finish, Ben."
"I know what I did was wrong when I saw I already had done. I did not know it could be that bad," Ben rubbed his hand in an attempt to ease the pain.
"Now you know."
"I will not do more, Mom."
"This is how it is said, baby."
"I said that I would make you surrender to love again for me in two seconds."
"Oh really? It seemed more than two seconds. I think it was not right."
"So let's start over. Ben held my face closer to his mouth. I closed my eyes, eager for a kiss from him. "See, one, two..."