"I keep the lights off. I do the dishes.
I call it a day and it doesn't
answer me. I cry into my coffee cup.
I forget what my thumb is for
when it isn't hovering over your
name in my phone.
I wait for you. I listen for you.
I pretend to be better than I am.
Less selfish, less desperate, more
necessary.
I say your name until it doesn't
sound like a word anymore. I tell
myself that this kind of hell is
important, but I don't believe it.
Still, I say it. Still, I breathe easier.
I open myself up like a Matryoshka doll,
hoping to find you inside, but it's just
me. Again and again, it's
just me.
There is no version of this story where
I am not sick over you,
where my body is not taut with
the effort it takes to not be with you.
The truth is,
some pain just isn't worth it.
Sometimes, the hurt gets old.
Sometimes, you get tired of
being the one who has to heal. "
-Caitlyn Siehl ~ I Say Your Name