SCARLETT
"What's going on?" I immediately ask. If there's one thing I'm sure about is that my father is right; I'm tired of secrets and being lied to. They both immediately turn toward me, knowing very well that I've heard everything. My mother seems more upset about it.
"We got the results of the rest of your exams from the hospital." My father says, hinting at the folder between his hands.
"Scarlett, it's not something that you necessarily need to know right now." My mother says, walking toward me and grabbing my hands as form of comfort.
"Am I ok?" I ask, my eyebrows furrowed while I move my stare between the two of them with confusion. My mother immediately nods her head and caresses my cheek.
"Of course you're fine, that's why I'm saying it's not something that you necessarily need to know right now."
"It's up to you, honey!" My father tells me, not fighting her this time. I'm still clueless about whatever it could be but since my mother is so concerned it mustn't be nothing.
"I wanna know!" I tell them, completely sure of it. I don't want to be treated like I'm about to break. I wouldn't think about anything else if I'd decide not to know what's going on.
"Maybe it's better if you sit down then." My father tells me, pointing at the couch not too far from us. I sit down on the couch, while they sit on the armchairs opposite to it. Concern is all over my mother's face, while my father keeps on his usual neutral expression. Unlike my mother, he's a pretty strong poker face. I hug my knees to my chest, while they both try to find the right words to tell me whatever is going on.
"Scarlett... you told Spencer about a precise moment when you started bleeding while you were held captive, remember?" He tells me. "You said you remembered the blood, but not the pain... because of drugs." I quickly nod. To be honest, I don't even remember if it was really my blood, or if it was blood, in the first place. "Have you noticed anything different with your body while being down there?" I furrow my eyebrows again, not understanding whatever he's trying to say. I slowly shake my head, after thinking about it for a few seconds.
"In these four months, did you have your period?" My mother goes straight to the point, probably already too impatient for my father's little mind games. I think about her question and for the first time, in four months, I realize that I haven't worried about it at all. I'm not sure I've got my period, but I was also drugged a lot.
"I don't know... I don't think so?" I shrug my shoulders and when I see their worried faces I immediately realize what they're trying to say. My lips slightly part. "Am I pregnant?" I absently bring my hand to my flat stomach and immediately lower my stare on it. I feel my heart starting beating in my chest, I don't know if in complete fear and anxiety or in happiness and excitement.
"You were." My stare goes immediately back on my father at his words. You were. I was. It's past. I push my hand against my flat stomach while a tear start streaming against my cheek. "You had a miscarriage." A sob escapes my lips when my father confirms my most horrific thought and my mother immediately sits down next to me, wrapping her arms around me and tightening me against her body while I cry and scream my eyes out. Until less than a week ago there was a life growing inside of me. A life I had created with someone I madly loved. A life that didn't deserve what I went through. A life that had grown inside of me for over four months and that I didn't even know about. I didn't have any moment to acknowledge or be thankful for it, I didn't have any occasion to love it.
"It's gonna be fine, honey... it's gonna be fine." My mother rubs my back, while she repeats her words over and over again, trying to calm my desperate crying and pain but I'm not too sure anymore that everything is going to be fine. How do you recover from it? How do you recover from knowing that you're responsible for the death of your own child? While growing up, I had always promised myself that I was going to become the best mother for my child, the one I never had, or better, the one I found in Annalise, and now I am completely shattered. I can feel the way I break into a thousand of pieces. Pieces I'll never get back, pieces I'll never be able to put back together. I can feel my father sitting next to me and holding me in his arms too and I just let myself go between their arms, feeling like a child all over again.
"It's not fair..." I shake my head, while I hold on both of them.
"Nothing of what has happened to you it's fair, Scarlett..." My father says, while caressing my head. "But you have to remember that none of it is your fault."
"But it is!" I immediately raise my face toward him. "If I had just came back here, or if I hadn't taken that stupid decision of leaving Harry the baby would have been fine now." I hide my face in my hands, wanting nothing more than to let everything out. I wish I could scream out every bad feelings, sadness and pain I'm feeling right now.
"The only responsible is the one that did this to you and I promise you we'll find him." My father rubs my back and, at his words, I look at him again.
"I don't want you to find him." I tell him. "I want you to kill him." There's no hesitation in my voice, while I ask my father to kill a man. It's not anymore just about me, or my sister. He doesn't deserve a fair process, he deserves the same treatment he's reserved to my sister, to me and to my unborn baby. "Or I will." I stand up and walk toward my room, slamming the door behind me.
HARRY
I hadn't found the courage to go talk to Aaron today. I didn't want to know what happened to her by him and I'm not sure I want to know at all. The look in her eyes yesterday; the terror, the sadness... I'm not sure I can bear knowing where all of that comes from. I turned on the TV today and they were talking about her at the local news. They had used a beautiful picture of her, a smiling one. Right now, that smile couldn't be farther, it's like that picture belonged to a completely different Scarlett. I turned the TV off immediately. When I receive another text from Cielo, that I delete without reading, I feel like turning off my phone too. She's been trying to contact me since yesterday but without any positive result. When the door bell rings I immediately regret not reading the text. I just hope I won't find her outside my door. I spy from the peephole and when I see the person out of my door I immediately open it.
"Hi..." Scarlett tells me. Behind her there are two policemen, that probably have the job of escorting her around. Her hair are tied in a braid and she isn't wearing any make up, I can still see the bruises marking her face. She's wearing a loose maroon jacket, black pants and boots. "They have to come around with me but they can stay outside..." she points at the policemen behind her. "Can I come in?" She asks. I can tell she feels pretty embarrassed by her own request. She didn't even want to see me, until yesterday and now she's here. I wonder why. I quickly nod and step aside to let her in and then close the door behind her, leaving the two of us alone in the house.
"Why are you here?" I decide to ask. She seems lost for a second, moving her eyes around. I wonder if she's thinking about us now that she's here. It's weird for me too to have her back here.
"I need to talk to you." She tells me, finally turning toward me again.
"I don't wanna know." I immediately tell her, imagining that she wants to give me the explanations I asked for last night. She glares at me for a second at my words.
"And I wouldn't tell you." She bitterly laughs, bringing her hand to her forehead to rub it. "It's something that has to do with you." I feel my heart rushing into my chest at her words. I'm not sure I want to know it either.
"I have some of your stuff..." I change subject, walking with long strides toward my bedroom. She hesitates, before following me. I get down to take a box. I had filled it up with her stuff a long time ago, to throw it away, but for some reason I never found the courage to get rid of it. "It's not too heavy, but the policemen outside can help you." I tell her, but she doesn't really answer or look at me. Her stare is on one thing in particular. She brings her finger to touch the surface of a female perfume bottle resting on my desk, that I hadn't noticed was still there.
"I see you were pretty fast..." she bitterly laughs and without waiting for an answer by me, she turns around and walks out of the room. "You can throw anything in there away." She tells me, once she's reached the living room. She looks for something in her bag and once she's found it, she rests it on my coffee table. It's what it seems to be a medical records. "Read it, or don't. I don't care. That's what I had to tell you." I let the box fall to the ground, feeling immediately as mad as her for her tone of voice. She doesn't have any right to be mad at me for something I've done when I thought she was gone. It's always the same story, her crazy jealousy, that just confirms me that nothing has changed.
"What is that?" I scream at her, before she can leave like she wants to. I take the folder in my hand and open it to read it. There are a lot of medical terms that I can't figure out, so I just furrow my eyebrows and close it again. "Is it a joke? You know damn well I can't understand any of this shit." She lowers her stare at my words and takes a deep breath, trying to find the words, or courage, to tell me whatever she has to tell me.
"Before... leaving I was pregnant." Her own voice shakes. "I had a miscarriage last week." She has to turn around, probably hiding her tears from me. Tear that slowly start falling from my eyes too, while I realize her words. I quickly shake my head, not wanting to accept what she's just said.
"W-was it mine?" At my question she immediately turns toward me. Her watery eyes are filled with rage and disgust too while she looks at me.
"Of course it was! I've always been loyal, unlike you." She raises her voice at me, while tears slowly stream down her face too. I would like to tell her that not once I've cheated on her, because I loved her more than anyone else in the world, but it quickly slips out of my mind when I think about the fact that, until a week ago, a life we created was growing inside of her. That if things hadn't gone badly, if she hadn't decided to leave me, if a monster hadn't decided to tear her away from me, she would still be by my side, with our baby. The child would still be fine. "I'm so sorry..." she cries, bringing a hand to her mouth, to suffocate her sobs. I walk toward her and I automatically wrap my arms around her shaky figure. She flinches, at first, against my chest, but then she relaxes as soon as she remembers it's me. I feel her weightless between my arms and as soon as I realize that her knees won't hold her up, I get down, to the ground, with her. She rests her head against my chest and hides her teary eyes in the fabric of my t-shirt. I had missed having her so near. We stay silent, for some time the only sounds filling up the room are our cries and sobs. I hold her, until both of our cries quiet down. She dries up her eyes and sniffs, lifting up her head and getting far enough from me to let the hold around her go. She stretches her hands toward the box and opens it too see what's inside. Her crystalline laughter immediately fills up the room. She immediately takes a cinema ticket from the box and shows it to me. I remember it. Our first date.
"I had forgotten I used to collect these stuff..." she sighs, putting it back inside. On her face appears a saddened expression, while she looks inside. "My old self was so cheesy."
"I liked her." I admit.
"She was stupid." She tells me. "And naive." She bitterly says. "She decided to leave you." She closes the box and sits down again next to me. Her eyes are still absent, lost somewhere else.
"Why?" I decide to ask. I've been asking myself this for a long time and now she's here to answer. She looks at me for a second and then she lowers her eyes.
"I've seen you, Harry..." she says. A sad smile on her face. I furrow my eyebrows, not understanding what she actually saw.
"You've seen what?"
"The day before I left. You and Cielo." She tells me.
"You saw exactly what?" I immediately ask her.
"You two together, kissing." I sigh, immediately shaking my head.
"If you stayed long enough you would've seen me pushing her off of me." On her face it immediately appears an upset expression at the realization. Her eyes are absent again, while she thinks about my words. She's probably thinking about how things would have changed if she only stayed a second longer and I'm doing the same. I think about how I should've pushed her off of me right away, instead of waiting. "It doesn't matter anymore now." I quickly says, right after. I don't want her to feel even madder with herself for this now. "I just want you to know that I would've never cheated..."
"I know that now..." She shrugs her shoulders, trying to hold back her tears, probably because I'm in front of her. I know she's going to torture herself about it as soon as she'll find herself alone.
"You should take that home with you..." I try to change subject, pointing at her box. I've thrown inside everything that reminded me of our relationship, other than her stuff. I didn't want to see it, because it was too painful, but the idea of throwing all the memories away is just as painful. She sighs, resting the box on her lap and opening it again.
"Do you remember these?" She asks me with a smile, showing me the polaroids I had taken of her, right here in this house. I smile and nod my head. How could I ever forget.
"I think I was already in love with you back then." I tell her, caressing with the tip of my index the shiny surface of the Polaroid. "But then again, I can't remember a moment when I didn't love you." I admit. She turns toward me at my words, a nostalgic smile on her face. I don't know why, or how, maybe because it felt like the most natural thing to do, or the one I wanted the most, but without thinking I connect my lips to hers. My lips move against hers in an automatic way, like nothing has ever changed, but she sure has and that's why she jumps and shivers, as soon as my hand reaches her waist and she backs away from my lips. She quickly stands up, I can see her practically shaking, while she collects her stuff and pushes away some tears.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking..." I quickly tell her, trying to calm her down. Trying to repair my impulsive mistake, but she quickly walks toward the door. "Do you want me to take you home?"
"No... I hav-it's ok. There's no need to." She tells me, obviously in panic, even if she puts a weak smile on her lips. "Uhm... bye!" She doesn't give me the time to answer, or to apologize one more time, she just opens the door and, without turning toward me one last time, she takes the stairs to leave, followed by the two agents. I don't know why, but in this moment, it really feels like a goodbye.
SCARLETT
"He kissed me." I decide to admit. I don't feel ready to talk about my miscarriage, so everything seems a better subject of conversation right now, even admitting about the kids. I've been laying down, on Spencer's couch for over half a hour now. My boots are next to his coffee table, my head resting on his pillow and he's sitting on an armchair in front of me.
"And how did you feel?" He asks me. I had to talk about it with someone, or I would've gone completely crazy. I already now don't feel completely sane.
"As soon as he's touched me I remembered the way he would touch me and got immediately scared." I tell him, trying to block from my memory how I had shivered away from his touch, feeling the dirt of the hands of the stranger man on me, rather than Harry's.
"That's normal... you've been going through so much. You're not ready to face your traumatic memories and a simple touch can bring it back to surface." He tells me, while he sips on his cup of fuming coffee. It's relaxing the fact that he's never to take notes while you speak, because he remembers every single thing you say.
"There's more..." I tell him, trying to put into words exactly how I felt when he kissed me. He looks at me, waiting for whatever I have to say. "I'm also scared of myself when I'm with him." He furrows his eyebrows.
"You're scared of the person you were when you were with him and the decision you took because of him... right?" I just nod my head. His definition fits just perfectly.
"I can't be that person anymore." I shake my head with determination. The only thought of being with Harry again makes me completely claustrophobic. It's like he used to bring every despicable thing about me out. He used to bring out of me someone I can't be anymore.
"I wouldn't blame your bad decisions only on Harry. There were a lot of stressful factors that played a role in it." He explains.
"But I wouldn't have taken that decision if I hadn't seen them kissing." I tell him. It hurts to no end knowing that if only I had stayed for a couple more seconds, maybe my life would have been completely different now. "It can't be a healthy relationship if it brings the evil out of me."
"I've never said it was a healthy relationship, but there were a lot of factors contributing to your bad choices, not just him." He's probably right. He's probably right about everything and yet it doesn't change how scared of myself I am when I'm next to him.
"Do you think I'm a sociopath?" I decide to ask. I had read about sociopaths in one of my father's books and back at the time it was the only explanation I could give to myself for my cruel behavior. Spencer looks at me kind of amused.
"You think a sociopath would ask her psychologist if she's a sociopath?"
"A very smart one, maybe." He giggles at my words and shakes his head.
"I can assure you you're not a sociopath." He tells me, very sure of what he's saying. "Sociopaths don't feel any kind of remorse, they don't have a conscience and it seems like the biggest problem you're going through right now is the fact that you blame yourself for everything that has happened. A sociopath would never blame herself." I'd stay here to listen him talking the whole day. Even if I talk about what has happened to me with him, it's one of the moments of the day where I feel more in peace with my head. My head is what scares me the most, when I'm alone or with other people, and with him I feel safe.
"Yeah, I don't feel like one anymore." I shrug my shoulders and sit down on the couch. "I feel like feeling too much right now, actually." I admit and sigh. "Can I get myself a cup of coffee?" Before he can answer, I get up and walk toward his kitchen. I feel someone ringing at his door but I don't really bother to see who that is, while I take one of his cups and pour some coffee in it. When I get back to the living room, I see him talking to someone on the door.
"Right now it's not a good moment." Spencer tells to someone.
"You don't understand, Spencer... I feel completely torn." I immediately recognize his voice and I feel my heart stopping again. "She told me we were going to have a baby... our baby. And I had missed her so much, I acted without thinking..." Spencer stays silent, knowing perfectly that it's too late now to say something to shut him up, because I've already heard everything. I quickly walk toward the couch, to put on my boots and it's probably now that Harry realizes why Spencer was trying to make him shut up. I take my bag and jacket and quickly walk toward the door.
"It's ok, I was about to leave." I tell Spencer and I try to avoid to look at Harry, who's probably looking at me right now. I can feel his eyes burning into my skin.
"Scar, hold up..." Harry's voice quickly stops me. He tries to grab my wrist, but he stops himself just in time. I decide to look up to him and I immediately regret it as soon as my eyes meet his beautiful face. He makes me feel even more vulnerable. He makes me think of the part of me I'm desperately trying to distance myself from.
"It's ok, Harry... I got it. You didn't mean to. It's fine." I quickly tell him, biting my lower lip. He seems like holding himself back from saying what he really wants to say too.
"Can I take you home?" He asks me, now that he doesn't see the two agents around.
"No, the agents are waiting for me outside and it seems like you need to talk to him..." I point at Spencer with a smile and he smiles back. On Harry's face it seems to be a sad smile while he looks at me go.
"I'll walk you out." I feel Harry walking down the stairs with me and I immediately tense up. "I've tried to hate you for the past hours but it doesn't really work, I guess." He admits. We both stop and turn toward each other once we get to the doorway. "I don't have any problem to get mad at Cielo and yet I can't seem to hate you after everything you've done." I sigh, knowing well what he means.
"You shouldn't be mad at her, it was my fault." I quickly say, crossing my arms to my chest. "And right now I have to take care of myself. There's no space for anyone else in my life."
"Why does it feel like you're trying to push me away?" He shrugs his shoulders and bitterly laughs. I don't answer, because maybe that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm not sure I can tell him that though. He understands it any way by my silence.
"My first priority, right now, is being ok... and I'll never get my mental sanity back if I keep you around me." At my words, his face immediately twists in a hurt expression.
"So you don't want me in your life anymore?" He asks, his voice shaking while he speaks. I can tell he's on the verge of crying.
"No..." I quickly shake my head, with tears already wetting my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I get up on my tiptoes and I leave a peck on his full lips, before quickly opening the gate and walking out, away from him. It's painful for me as it is for him, but it doesn't mean that it's not the right thing to do. Our relationship had never been healthy, because of me, and the fact that he can't realize yet just makes me feel even worse with myself. He needs to stay away from me, maybe even more than how much I need it.
*
I've been home for a couple of hours now. My mom asked me about the therapy with Spencer and about Harry. I really didn't want to talk about any of it, so I just told her how much I liked Spencer. After that, we had dinner on the couch, while watching a Godard movie. We used to pick thrillers usually, but none of them probably felt like watching that kind of movie with me. I rest my head on my father's shoulder while keeping my eyes on the beautiful images of the movie. When Poe starts snoring, we both start laughing. He's been asleep for quite a long time now, he just wasn't snoring yet.
"How did it go with Spencer?" My father finally asks. He's been wanting to ask this since when I came back home but he probably didn't want to seem as nosy as my mother.
"Good... he's great!" I tell him with honesty. "It's very helpful talking to him."
"I'm glad honey..." he smiles and rubs my back. When we hear the door bell ringing we both get distracted from the movie and before any of us can get up to get it, we see Annalise walking down the corridor to see who that is.
"Who do you think it is?" I ask my dad.
"No clue!" He tells me. Soon enough my mother reappears from down the corridor to come and talk to us.
"There are some of your friends that came to visit. Do you wanna see them?" Annalise tells me and I immediately furrow my eyebrows in confusion.
"What friends?"
"Your friends from high school..." she shrugs her shoulders, not really knowing either. "Katie, Tom and I'm not sure I remember the names of the others." I feel immediately nervous at the idea of seeing them again after all this time. We haven't talked since forever and I wouldn't know what to say, especially now.
"Why did they come to visit? I haven't seen them in forever!" I whisper.
"When you were gone a couple of neighbors and some family friends stopped by to see you too... it's normal." My father tells me and smiles at me. "You can tell them you don't feel like meeting anyone at the moment, if you don't want to see them." I sigh, deciding on getting up and adjusting my t-shirt on my body. I decide on facing them, because hopefully they won't come back anymore if I see them now. I slowly walk to the door and they all smile as soon as they see me. They're all quite different. Katie doesn't have braces anymore and the traits of her face are more defined now. Tom has changed a lot. We dated for a bit, before I left for college, but I wasn't as taken as he was. He's shaved his head now and he's out of some weight, nothing major but it's still visible. Then there's Phil, that was in my chemistry class and Rosalie, his girlfriend back at the time. They're probably still together but I can't be completely sure.
"Hi.." I fake a smile, trying to act like I'm actually happy to see them here. Katie is the first one that takes a step toward me and tries to come in for a hug, but I automatically step back, finding myself shivering at the idea. She immediately stops when she realizes. "Sorry... it's just that body contact is a little complicated at the moment." I try to giggle.
"Yeah, you're right... I'm sorry." She apologizes and smiles at me. "We wanted to see you and tell you how happy we are for what happened." Katie tells me, but she immediately regrets it. "I mean, we're happy that you're fine but we're so sorry for what happened to your sister." She immediately corrects herself.
"It doesn't happen every day to see your mate resuscitate." Phil jokes about it, making the other laugh. I fake another smile.
"Thank you guys! It's good to see you all."
"So how are you, S?" Tom asks me with a shy smile. I have to hold myself back from telling him how annoying this question is. I sure as hell won't tell some people I haven't seen in forever how I actually feel after having been kidnapped and tortured and knowing this I'm certainly not ok.
"I've been better..." I just shrug my shoulders and cross my arms. "Do you wanna get in?" I ask to be polite, since they're still on the doorway.
"Oh, don't worry... we just stopped by for a quick visit. We don't wanna bother!" Katie says. "Maybe if you feel like it we can hang out some of these days... like the old times!"
"Yeah, that's a good idea! I'll keep in touch!" I lie, not wanting anything more than saying goodbye and crawling into my bed for the rest of the week.
"It's been good to see you!" Tom says and I smile.
"Good for me too. Bye guys!" Once I've said goodbye to all of them, I close the door behind me, feeling extremely relieved that the awkward conversation is over. I go back to the living room, just to find Poe still sleeping on the couch and my parents whispering between them. When they see me they immediately stop and turn toward me.
"How did it go?" My mother asks.
"Awkward!" I shrug my shoulders, walking toward them. "What were you talking about?" I cross my arms to my chest.
"It was nothing..." my mother shrugs her shoulders, but I don't buy it. Every time I walk into a room they stop talking and they whisper all the time.
"It didn't seem like nothing!" My father stays silent, probably because I'm right. They're still keeping something from me and I'm just to tired of all these secrets. "You stop talking every time I walk into a room... I do notice that."
"You're right, but this time it's really something that has to do with your mother and I." My father finally speaks, but he only ends up making me more concerned with his words. I immediately think about some serious illness and feel my heart rushing into my chest.
"Are you guys ok?" I ask alarmed.
"Yeah, we're fine... it's nothing like what you think!" My father immediately says when he notices and understands my concern. "We've taken a decision and we were trying to find the best way and moment to tell you." I furrow my eyebrows, waiting for him to go on. Maybe they want to move somewhere else, to start fresh and the only thought really scares me, even if it shouldn't. "We're getting a divorce, Scarlett."