I didn't proof read this -Clair
Riding through the streets of Malibu was all I was doing to clear my mind of what was and what currently is. I have so much to think about and so much to plan but I find myself doing nothing at all. Too be quite frank I have no idea what to do now. I went to Miami on a mission for one thing and one thing only; I turned that into a mess. I was supposed to find the person that took my family from me, and I ended up dragging Teanna into my mess.
I wasn't even supposed to see Teanna in the midst of traveling back for a personal vendetta. But I found my mind and emotions drifting back to her so I did what the heart wanted and found her just in time. But as quick as I found her I lost her caught up in my emotions yet again. I did the worst thing I could've possibly done when I up and left her the way I did in Atlanta. I've been making dumb decision after dumb decision regarding the women I find myself falling in love with.
Continuing my drive my phone vibrated in my lap signaling a call. As I approached a red light I answered the call and connected it to my cars Bluetooth.
"Yo."
"What's going on baby brother?"
"Riding. What you need Connor?"
"I need you to get off your ass and out those baby ass feelings of yours today."
"If that's all you called about you can save the lecture man."
"You serious nigga? Look, I don't have time to baby you anymore. You know what you did was foul as fuck."
"I know what the fuck I did was fucked up but that's the way life goes and I know she isn't gonna forgive me so I'm good."
"You sound stupid as fuck. Why would you play her like that?"
"It wasn't my intentions to even do what I did bro. I was caught up in feelings and when you brought up Carson I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth."
"Idiot man. I told her for you because yet again, you failed to do what was right."
"Well at least she knows now..."
"You need to get it together, because I've been keeping my ears to the streets. The word is the Rango have a new assassin and the newbie just so happens to be light skinned with a big curly hair. Ring a bell?"
"You're not telling me Teanna is a spider."
"Sorry to be the bear of bad news, but here ya go nigga."
"Make her stop."
"I cant make her do shit she don't want to do. If this is her way of coping, then let her do her thing. You choose to run, she chose a different route."
"Anything else?"
"Nah. That's the update for now."
"Alright. Leave me alone till we move in to our place. I'll see you in Tally."
"Who you think you are?"
"Castiel Avery Crear. Dont hit me up no more."
"Yeah whatever fool."
I ended the call as I reached my destination that I was planning to visit for quite some time now. I haven't seen my leading ladies in a couple of months, so I owe them some of my time. It always hurt me to walk on these cemetery grounds. I barely want to believe that they are even gone from me but the truth of the matter is, they are; and its all my fault.
Pulling up to the apartment we were living in at the time on my baby girl's first birth was supposed to be a time of joy and celebration. But instead when I walked into my home with the door busted open and the sight of my family laying lifeless in a pool of their own blood. It was never my intentions to put them in harms way. I was always sure to keep them happy and to keep them safe, but on that day I can admit that was my biggest failure.
I knew that some shit was brewing up in the streets, and I knew I was in the middle of it. But instead of taking my life, instead of making me suffer, they took my pride and joy away from me. Ever since that day I vowed to avenge them and find the man who killed my love and my baby girl.
Grabbing the sunflowers from the passenger seat, I made my way through the cemetery. Carson loved sunflowers so I've been bringing them every chance I get. The walk was agonizing, because I had no good news to tell them. Unfortunately everything has been going south for me as of lately, but I cant blame anyone but myself. Approaching their graves I kneeled before them like I always did and placed the flowers on their graves.
"Hey my angels.." I could already feel myself getting choked up as I spoke.
I placed my hands on their graves and closed my eyes as my head hung low. My tears were flowing out of my eyes and falling onto their graves. I could only think about the bad I've caused them and the pain I'm currently causing to myself.
"I-I'm so sorry. I did this and I can't fix it. I cant bring you two back to life. Had I just gave up the streets when we met, this would have never happened." I croaked as I apologized for my actions
As I cried I felt a pair of soft hands cup my face, "Open your eyes Cas."
"Get out of my head." I snapped
This was not real, she could not possibly be here.
"I won't ask again." She responded calmly like she always used to do.
Raising my head and opening my eyes I met her face, and it was the face of a young beauty I fell for, Carson.
I shook my head in disbelief, "You're dead. You aren't real. I've gone mad."
She continued to stroke my cheek, "I'm a spirit smart guy, an angel. I am as real as the ground you kneel on. Now talk to me, why are you so worked up?"
Wiping my tears with the back on my hand I came to terms that I'm speaking to my dead girlfriends spirit so I spoke, "I was supposed to keep the two of you safe Carson. I am the reason you and my baby girl are dead."
"You felt like you could've prevented this?"
"Of course I could've. I should've let this life go once I met you. I hurt you."
"Well you didn't just hurt me and Nina."
I tilted my head confused at her words, "What are you talking about Carson?"
"Teanna is hurting as well, just as much us. But at least our suffering was quick and to the point. She is hurting more than you can imagine."
"How do you know about her?"
"I've been watching you and her since you went back to Miami. I can tell you really love her."
A small smile swept across my face as my thoughts drifted to Teanna, "I do...but I messed up."
"She lost something special and that caused her to shut down Cas. That's the reason she hates you now."
"So what do I do? I can't just run back and act like nothing happened."
"You need to let go of this vendetta, and stop trying to pursue the person that killed us. Trust me when I say the Lord has got that covered. You need to fix this, now. It will take time for her to open back up to you, but you can't lose hope or give up."
I nodded my head understanding what I had to do next, "I will fix this."
"Remember we are always with you Cas."
"Kiss my baby girl for me. I'm forever indebted to you two. I love you."
Just like that she was gone with the wind and it was just me and my thoughts again. I know what I have to do now, but I wasn't sure how I was going to go about it. I had two options: go to Miami or wait out the 2 weeks and meet her in Tallahassee.
Whatever I decided it needed to be soon because I know what I did was wrong, and I know that I can't wait forever to apologize and make things right. I know Teanna and I know her well; the longer I wait, the harder it will be to get her to open back up to me.
Teanna
So as of lately my mom has me meditating two times a day to "keep me grounded" she says. I don't know. I can't lie and say it doesn't work or hasn't helped me, because in all actuality it has. Something about listening to my breathing in a room of silence is like a breath of fresh air. I've never felt so calm and enlightened in so long, so this meditating was really making me feel a lot better.
I've been thinking about the conversation I had with Connor lately. Unfortunately I still find myself thinking about Castiel day in and day out. I want to know where he is and why would he leave me for a second time.
This time around I actually thought things would be different, but here we are in the same predicament.
"You alright Linda?" Jilani ran his hands through my wild hair as we were just lounging in my bed after a session of fucking.
"I feel like my life is all over the place." I confessed truthfully. I really do feel as if the walls enclosed in my mind are caving in on me.
Sitting up with my pillows behind me I rested my chin in my palm.
"I can't deal with the pressure of being a Rango, Castiel still won't talk to me, and even though I'm supposed to be starting school in a matter of three weeks I feel the least bit of prepared. Why is my life a living hell?"
To be quite honest I put myself in this situation I'm in. I decided to embrace my Rango roots in hopes that it would help me take my mind off of Castiel. But instead it brought me even bigger mental issues.
"Teanna, you have no idea how blessed you are. Remember you did the community a service by killing that man. Ago beating yourself up for that. Please forget about that fuck boy that left you. You're giving him way too much power over you. Let him go and focus on self mama."
He was always good at saying the right things at the right time. I know what I have to do, so if that means meditating everyday for eight hours a day, that's what I was going to do.
I glanced over at Jilani and climbed on top of him
"You're good with your words J." I complimented rubbing my hands up and down his chest.
Rubbing my ass he brought my face down to his lips and kissed me, "I try my best; now strip."
***
Kammeron: Open the door Received 8:00PM
I rubbed my eyes as I glanced down at the recent text Kammeron sent me.
Since I flaked on girls night dealing with Tevin and going on that job, I figured I would make it up to Kam and Kemiko tonight. We haven't had any real time together to catch up on everything since I came out of hiding and A'Kemiko came back from the family vacation.
I skipped down the stairs and opened up the front door to reveal Kam and Kemiko with Chinese food in hand.
"Well about damn time slow poke." Kemiko joked as she walked in with Kammeron trailing her
"Well hey bitch! I felt like I haven't seen your ass in forever."
Shaking my head I closed the door behind them, "Can you not come in here screaming all types of bitches and hoes. My family still lives here genius."
She rolled her eyes as I led the two of them up to my bedroom, and I allowed them to take over my space as the would any other time they would come over.
I took a seat on my bed as well as Kemiko and Kammeron did.
"So..." I started interested on what I've been missing, "What's the tea?"
There was a brief moment of silence before Kemiko spoke out, "Well the family vaca was pretty bomb dot come if you ask me. We went ATV riding, parasailing, kayaking, all that other fun outdoors shit that you two boujie asses hate. Not to mention my parents absolutely adore Carter, its perfect."
Nodding my head with a slight smile I was happy for her. I knew how much it meant for her parents to like Carter. So for the vaca to be all hugs and kisses I couldn't have been more excited for my friends.
"When does he leave again?" Kammerin questioned removing herself from my bed and walking into my bathroom
"He left last night. We spent all day together yesterday before I drove him to the airport and we met up with the rest of his family. Sad as fuck." She groaned throwing her head back on my bed.
"Remember we are still going to visit him whenever you miss each other. Plus he will come see you during the fall semester. The two of you got this, don't let a little distance ruin that." I coached her in hopes that it brought up her temporary bad mood
As I was busy scrolling through my Twitter feed Kam came out of my bathroom shouting with a gold chain in hand that had a 'J' pendant on it, "Whose this chain for Tee?"
Rolling my eyes I brought my attention to her, "Its for Jilani, now put it back where you found it."
She squealed like the little girl she was and climbed into the bed, "You are not screwing Jilani?"
Kemiko eyed me before smirking between us, "She is fucking the shit out of him Kammy."
My ears were filled with their loud screams of excitement.
"Oh my fucking gosh!" Kammeron threw her body back on my pillows, "Finally a good looking penis for you to sit on. I'm proud of you sis."
Of course it wouldn't be proper for them to not react the way that they did. Im sure they are excited about my newfound sexual endeavors, but knowing them I am almost positive that they think that this is some type of new relationship; and it's not.
"Don't get all happy." I assured them, "Not my man, just fucking him."
Kameron rolled her eyes and rested her chin the the palm of her hand, "And to think I actually thought you were finally about to give Jilani your heart. I am no longer proud."
"She's right. You two have known each other since diapers, why not date?" Kemiko chimed in with her eyes glued to her phone
Because we agreed not to
"We decided not to have a relationship and just keep the sex platonic.Why do we have to be together like that? I don't want to be tied down right now and neither does he." I understood why being in a relationship with Jialni may have been convenient, but that is not what I wanted.
"Trust me, the last thing I need to be doing is dating Jilani. But how's the relationship with Connor going Kam?" I eyed her with a growing smirk
Her mouth fell open slowly, only because I knew she didn't expect me to know what was up with her and Connor. She did a pretty good job at hiding it for a while, so I give her props on that one.
"I...I was going to tell you, but Connor didn't want you questioning about Cas." She had her eyes focused on everywhere else but me. I guess she didn't think I would understand.
I released a low sign before taking her hands in mine, "Kammy no one is mad at you for hiding your relationship with Connor. I understand why you didn't want a risk of me bothering the two of you trying to figure out where Cas has been. But I'm moving past him and I want you to be happy with your man out in the open."
Poking out her bottom lip she brought me in for a hug, "Good because I couldn't take you being mad at me. You can be a real bitch."
We pulled away and shared a laugh, "How did you even find out?"
"Girl you know our moms cant hold no water to save their lives when it comes to gossip about us." I joked bring my eyes back to my phone
Now that I have my girls with me and currently in the process of getting my emotions in check, I can really start focusing on whats important. School is only three weeks away and I still feel so unprepared. With the brief pep talk Jilani gave me this morning. I feel like its pretty clear what I need to do. Forget Cas, mediate, and be ready to chase this degree.
Be sure to vote, comment, and share. Love -Clair