Katy POV.
Something is wrong, I know it. I can feel it as I look at Zak who's sat closer than ever beside me. His hand is holding mine whilst he talks to the crew about the upcoming lockdown.
He's been acting strange, sitting closer than normal, always looking at me with concern and constantly asking...
"You okay?"
I nod and give him a gentle smile.
I don't know why he's so worried, I'm okay. Tired, but I'm okay.
The crew had came to the rental we had hired out, it was a large house with a pool table, a swimming pool and a large garden. Although we wouldn't need the garden or pool itself, it was still nice to think that it was there.
"What time is the lockdown?" I ask him quietly when he's not speaking.
"It's tomorrow, not tonight." He answers.
"Oh."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"I think I might go and lay down." I respond before leaving the group and heading back to the bedroom away from the loud laughter and jeering they often threw at each other.
After taking a shower, I change into one of Zak's tops and a pair of my shorts before sitting on the end of the bed rubbing my spine.
"Hey uh, do you want anything?" Zak asks as he pops his head in.
"Hmm." I nod causing him to step into the room. "Can whatever is happening stop?"
He pauses "I don't understa–"
"You're panicking, what are you panicking about?"
He looks conflicted but eventually comes and sits beside me on the bed "I won't lie to you and say everything is okay."
"Is it the lockdown?"
"No babe."
"Are you okay? It's not your chest is it?" I worry.
"No, no. It's you.. You're getting a little bit more forgetful, you also kind of flashed the crew when you removed your shirt, when you split a drink on it."
I frowned "When did I do that?"
"Earlier. At the restaurant."
"We've been to a rest- why can't I remember this?"
He shrugs "I don't know, I think it's to do with you being stressed and I feel helpless. The only thing I can say is not to worry about anything, let me handle it all. Just focus on making yourself stronger."
"But.. But I am. Aren't I? I am stronger, at least I thought I was."
"You are, you are.. But you just need a little more, whatever you can spare, that's all." He smiles as he strokes my hair back.
I swallow the lump in my throat. "Okay.. What about Billy?"
"What about him?" He asks.
"Zak he's doesn't know about us, you have to g–"
"We told Billy. He knows about us. He's not happy, but I think it's shock."
I sit back "We told him?"
Zak nodded "Listen, just relax, do what you gotta do. I'll get rid of the crew and we can spend the evening snuggled in here, okay?"
I nod back and give him a smile "I'd like that."
"Then that's what we'll do." He presses a kiss on my forehead and leaves the bedroom.
So I'm the problem? He's worried about me. I thought I was doing okay..
Maybe it was too soon to come back to work?
What triggered this?
My phone begins to ring and I rummage through my coat pocket until I pull it out and answer it with a "Hello."
"Hi, Katy. It's Dr Gilbert."
I frown "Hi, how are you? Is everything okay?"
"I'm well. How are you feeling?"
I sigh "I've just been told that I'm forgetful.. What does that mean?"
"Ah, the real reason I have called. I just want to speak to you about what's been happening of late, can you remember any of it?"
"No. Which makes this really hard."
"I understand. Has anything happened in the last few days that could have brought this on? Any recent changes, news?"
"No. I- wait.. Zak got a phone call about the channel wanting to use me in one of their episodes, he got mad and said no. Because of that, he's lost an episode and I said I would help him find another location."
"And how do you feel about that?" He questions.
"Guilty, it's my fault that they didn't get the episode. I thought I saw something and ran after it, got into a little bother too. But now he's down an episode, the channel have wasted money and I have to find another one."
"Do you feel responsible?"
"Yes! It's down to me isn't it? I should have just stayed at the hotel that night but I wanted to be with Zak. I-" I paused. "I'm also sleeping for all of America. Am I ill?"
"Without seeing you, and running appropriate checks, I wouldn't be able to tell you. What I will suggest for the time being, is to get yourself a notebook or journal, or both? Write things down, feelings, emotions and thoughts. Whilst on the other, write down to do lists and personal reminders. Let's try this until you get home and then come in to see me."
I frown "But I never said I was away.."
He pauses "I had a phone call from Bill."
"Oh."
"He was just concerned. What about the accident? How do you feel towards that?"
I paused. "I can't talk to anyone about it..."
"Perhaps this is an added stress? To deal with any problems, is to talk about them. Maybe we should look into counselling as well as more cognitive therapy?"
"What I tell you? It's confidential right?"
"Absolutely." He responded.
"I keep seeing her.." I whispered.
"Who?"
"The little girl, s-she died in the accident, I keep seeing her."
"In what respect? Whilst you are awake? As you sleep?"
"Sleep.. She's in my dreams. First she's in the car, then she's in my car or I'm in her car.. Then she's a child, running free, holding this kite that's high up in the sky. She looks at peace, but how can she be? She was just a little girl, her whole life set out in front of her."
"Katy. I'm aware of the accident, but I have to stress, what happened? Wasn't you're fault."
"But what if it was? What if I wasn't so upset? What if I was more alert and not so upset over Zak and that woman? Would I have noticed and slammed my brakes on sooner? Would I have missed them completely?"
"Those are questions that will remain unanswered for all eternity now. The events that unfolded cannot be undone. It was my job as your doctor to relay any developments to the police, in that time, I also treated a few others and I was present when the coroner gave his final statement. I can tell you that the little girl's injuries that were proven fatal were due to no fault of your own."
I bit my lip "Then why do I feel so bad?"
"I'm not a therapist, I'm a doctor but what you are experience, to me sounds like survivors guilt. It was common with the holocaust, 9/11 and any traumatic event in which some individuals die. First aiders & even transplant recipients experience it. I will make a note of it on the system as that alone can stem up mental health problems which could in fact cause your forgetfulness. You have a good solid connection of friends around you Katy... Billy and Aaron visited you daily. Even whilst you were put in an induced coma and Zak? If it's the same one that rang my office phone everyday demanding an update on how you were and if you were awake yet, then I can safely say that there's enough people around you."
"He rung?"
"Every day."
Why didn't he tell me that?
"I couldn't divulge information over the phone and every time I would tell him so, but he continued to ring nonetheless."
I waited for a few seconds as I mulled that over.
"Will I ever be normal again? Truthfully?"
"Absolutely. I think what we need to do is push you into the right course of treatment and that can start straight away. If you cannot speak then writing your thoughts down is just as beneficial. What I will ask is when you say tired?"
"I mean, tired of speaking, listening, looking, participating, I just want to curl up and hide from the world. But at the same time I'm desperate to be a part of it. All I want to do is sleep beside Zak and forget the world. But he's a busy man, he works seven days a week. The only day he really takes off is Christmas to be with his mom..."
"Right.. Well I would like you to book an appointment as soon as you arrive back in Vegas. The sooner this is dealt with the sooner you can begin to enjoy life. I have made a quick list of things to discuss next time we are face to face. What I will also ask is that Zak or Billy, whoever you are around the most, to make a note of how often you are forgetful, as well as the situation you are experiencing. For example, if you are stressed, concerned or tired. This way we will be able to grasp a concept on what triggers it."
"Okay."
"So, can you tell me what you need to do? After discussing this?" He asked.
I nodded "Right.. Okay. Um a notebook? Journal? An appointment. And someone to make a note of how often I forget."
"Brilliant! So now that you have that, I will make a note on the system and get in contact with the right departments. We will get you on the mend Katy. With the right help."
We eventually wrapped up the call and just as I hung up, I peered up from the scar on my thigh to see Zak stood at the door listening.
"How long–"
"Long enough." He answered coming in and kicking off his shoes.
"Are you mad?"
"No, no of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Because I didn't tell you." I responded.
"I wouldn't even say I'm annoyed, just a little disheartened that you didn't tell me how you were feeling. Listen, don't worry about the lockdown, okay? I don't care about finding another location. I care about you, you're what's most important to me," Zak took hold of my hand and squeezed it "You, Gracie and maybe my car."
I smiled.
"Getting you better is my main focus. Work? Well work can wait, the ghosts won't disappear and we are working ahead of ourselves anyway."
I shake my head "No, no I need routine. This is your routine, you'll go mad if you're at home too long. I know you."
"And I know you.. Selfless. A word I'm convinced was made just for you. Sweetie, we will get you all the help you need. Tomorrow we will get the journal and notebook. I'll be the one to track how many incidents you have. But you gotta keep your top on in future. I don't share."
I flush. "What was I thinking?"
"Who knows. But right now, you need to destress and there are ways of doing that.."
I smirked "What did you have in mind?"
He chuckled "Not that. I was thinking a nice back massage–"
"But that leads to my suggestion."
He hopped my nose with the tip of his finger "Then if it does, we both destress.."
"I have one condition. Before we do this."
"Name it."
"You lock that bedroom door and you lose the top too."
"Whatever you want, kitty Kat."
I narrowed my eyes but soon smiled when he got up and locked the bedroom door before yanking his shirt off his body.
I maybe forgetful, but I'd never forget how much my body enjoys his...