"UGHHHH!! MUNCH!!!!! I just did the math..." I groaned from the living room floor in the middle of my tornado of music sheets.
"The math on what?" Abby shouts back from the bathroom and walks back out to me.
"By the time we wrap the show, I'll be done with a semester of my program...IN THE WINTER! HOW ARE WE GONNA GO TO THE MALDIVES IN THE WINTER? THAT'S SO MANY MONTHS AFTER OUR ANNIVERSARY! UGH!!! I QUIT. I QUIT THE PROGRAM. I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!!!" I start shouting and freaking out.
"Oh my god, first of all, stop yelling, I'm right here. Second, just because it's winter here doesn't mean it's winter there. Also, you're not quitting. You say you want to quit once a week but you know you never will," Abby says in an attempt to calm me down.
"Ugh. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. This is all so stupid. I don't need to know this stuff, this is just me trying to be a better musician but who needs to be a better musician anymore? I'll just stop singing altogether. Fuck it." I mumble to myself as I aggressively highlight my work.
Abby rolls her eyes and sits on the couch reading through her lines.
After a few more minutes of angry mumbling and aggressive highlighting, I stop and say, "no, I think I really quit this time. I don't need this. I don't need this added stress in my life, it's unnecessary."
"Babe, enough. You can do this. Listen, why don't you take a break from all that angry highlighting you're doing and come run lines with me for tonight's night shoot. Pretty sure you have endless monologues because I do," Abby says still not looking up from her script. Sometimes she just lets me have my moment when it comes to the overwhelming stress my school work
"Okay..." I crawl over to my lady and sit on the couch even though I may have already memorized my lines.
We fall asleep on the couch and are woken up by Angie and Jeff telling us it was 9 PM and we had an hour to get to set.
I was being me when it comes to waking me up during a nap, I refused to wake up. Jeff and Abby are making coffee for the four of us while Angie is literally pulling me by the feet to get me up. Progress, I'm on the floor now, still being dragged by Angie but now to the bathroom. All of this is being recorded and posted to Snapchat because this has become a series called "The Angie vs Napping-Liv Series" and it's absolutely hilarious, in my opinion!
"Creamer?" Jeff offers. "Yes, please," Abby says as if none of that between Angie and I were still happening.
"UGGGGHH PLEASSEE!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?? THIS WASN'T IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION WHEN YOU HIRED ME!!! JUST STAND. UP. AND WALK! YOU HAVE LEGS! WHY?! YOU'RE INSUFFERABLE!"
"UGGGGHH YOU'RE HURTING ME!!"
"THEN GET UP! FUCK!! STOP! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE US ALL LATE ONLY PROVING THE FILIPINO TIME THEORY TO BE TRUE! JUST GET UP AND WALK! WALK ALREADY!!"
"I STILL HAVE ONE MORE SNOOZE CYCLE LEFT! LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"I AM YOUR SNOOZE CYCLE! GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!"
"NO! I'M HUNGRY! GIVE ME FOOD, PLEASE!"
"OH MY GOD I HATE YOU!!!! GET UP AND WALK AND I WILL GET YOU FOOD AND FEED YOU MYSELF! ABBY! I CAN'T, MAKE HER STOP!"
"Baby, get up, please, I have coffee for you," Abby says calmly not even looking at the two of us fighting on the floor.
"Okay," and I pop right up off the floor and walk to the kitchen and get my coffee without fuss.
"OHMYGOD I HATE YOU ALL!!" Angie yells exasperated from physically dragging me across the room and yelling back and forth.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I'm back in NYC for school. I'm completely exhausted and burnt out from all the shit that I've been trying to do. I'm in one of my moods where I hate that I took on all this work. Why am I even back in school? UGH! Only good part of this week's trip is that Abby is with me this time. I know it's getting rough because everyone in the program is as stressed and overly consumed by this program as I am. Our group message is just all of us groaning about this.
It's midterm season at Juilliard. Our midterm is to conduct the undergrad orchestra majors for 16 bars and I am STRESSED! On top of that, we had to write paper after paper after paper on technique, form, batons...yes I wrote a paper on the baton's conductors hold, and the history of all those things.
"Babe, you're going to be okay, you did your best right?" Abby asks assertively.
"Of course I tried my best, Abby," I snap. "Sorry, I just..."
"Stressed? I know, do you want me to help with that?" Abby says in a low whisper and walks over to me."
"Abby, I want that and I want you but I don't know if I can right now..."
I thought Abby was making her way in for some magic time which normally I would welcome but it turns out it's just a message.
My lady climbs up on her knees on the edge of the bed and pulls me closer to her by the waist and I stand flush against her. She moves my hair and begins to massage my shoulders. With every bit of pressure, she applies we can both feel the knots in my shoulders and neck. Instantly I feel more relaxed and less tense.
"Mmmm, thank you, munch," I say as I close my eyes with relief.
"Sssshhh just let me," Abby whispers in my left ear.
My phone rings and it's Julia, "Ugh, I have to take this, they're probably downstairs waiting to go to campus together."
Abby kisses my neck and lets me take the call.
"Hey! Okay, I'll be right down." I hang up.
I turn to sit on Abby's lap and she wraps her arms around my waist, "why don't you come? Or at least stop by after you meet with your mom and dad? Come see what we're doing. I would love to show off my girlfriend to the rest of the class." I giggle.
"Really? We won't be bothering you?"
"Never," I kiss her firmly on the lips and stand up to leave but not before I get a nice smack on the ass from the tiny but mighty brunette.
"Guys, why are you not getting this? We've been working on this all semester...what the hell?" Nathan says frustrated and rubbing his hands firmly against his face.
"Oh, I don't know, man. Because it's not what we majored in or are naturally good at it like you?" Fabian shot back frustrated.
"Babe, relax. We'll get it!" Julia says rubbing Fabian's back.
"I don't think we will, it's on Monday and we're still shit," I add.
"You're not helping, negative Nancy," Julia shoots me a dirty look.
"Okay, sorry. Let's take a break, yes? Nathan, you need to be patient with us, this isn't second nature to us like it is for you," I tell him asking for sympathy.
"I know, I just, I want you guys to get it. I feel like I'm not teaching it well enough."
"Here, why don't I help you? What do you want to convey to us?"
We work together and in 10 minutes I get what Nathan has been trying to teach us all for weeks.
"You need to teach it not how you would do it but how you learned it, Nathan. Break it down for them like you did for me, they'll get it. I promise!"
My phone goes off and Nathan goes to get us a snack and hot coffee since ours has cooled down significantly.
"Hey, you guys mind if Abby and her parents stop by for a bit?"
"No, that's fine! Our first audience," Nathan said.
"OHMYGOD! We get to meet the girlfriend!!" Julia says excitedly.
"Can she bring us a miracle?" Fabian says.
"Fabi, why don't you try again with Nate first, huh? I think you'll get it this time..." I wink at Nathan.
Fabian and Julia finally get it the same way I got it after Nathan took his time and broke it down for us.
Right as we're about to try our hand at the undergrad orchestra I asked to come for us to practice, my lady walks in and I'm buzzing at the latest accomplishment and the sight of her.
"Hey, guys!! Hi, we haven't officially met, I'm Abby! You must be Julia and Fabian! It's nice to finally meet you two! Hi Nathan, nice to see you again!" my lady steps up and introduces her self to my friends, shaking their hands and hugging Nathan.
"Hey! It's nice to meet our Livy's girlfriend, finally!"
"Don't call me Livy, Fabian. Or I'll punch you in the balls."
"This is my mom and dad, Eve and Marc. We don't want to intrude, just wanted to see what Liv has been working on."
I kiss my lady on the cheek and hold her by the waist, "we were just about to have the undergrad orchestra come in and try out what Nathan taught us. You guys came right on time!"
"Livy, why don't you go first that way you can head out after..." Fabian suggest and I grit my teeth when he says "Livy"
"Fabian...I swear..." I punch him in the arm a little harder this time.
I'm sitting on the arm of Abby's aisle seat leaning on her, "no, I don't want to go first..."
"Oh, come on, honey! Show us what you got!" Marc says rubbing my shoulder.
Nathan leads the undergrads in and they ooohh and aaahh over myself and soon Abby. I think about getting up and putting some distance between us, just to be safe but just as I'm about to stand up, Abby takes my hand in hers and my heart skips a beat.
All four of us do our thing, we all take our turns conducting 16 bars of a piece and we actually do well. Really well. The Ricci's are on their feet applauding the four of us and the undergrads.
The four of us stand center stage, take each other's hand and take a bow and I swear we're on to something. This is the making of an extraordinary band, but I keep that to myself and table it. All four of us still have a year and a half left of this shit.
After meeting and taking photos with the undergrads, Abby also so graciously poses for photos with them and takes the time to talk to most of them. We all head out and make our way for an early dinner.
"Tired?" Abby asks as I rest my head on her shoulder and we walk out hand in hand out into the city.
"Yeah, but happy, very happy," I sigh.
"Me too, babe."
Of course, all four of us ace our midterm that week and Abby even comes to watch. It was a great trip to NYC. My heart is full!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
"Angie, I need to know if you can go to LA for me and take care of a lot of the DSMN stuff and check on the renovation. I can't leave NoLa and a lot of things need to get done that I can't do via email anymore. The event coordinator has been handling a lot, I purposefully didn't make too many changes to this year's format for this very reason, I just need someone to be there and make sure it's going smoothly. I trust you to be able to do that. Is this okay? Is this a responsibility you'd be interested in taking?" I ask my assistant.
"Yeah, we've been doing this for years, I know what you want and what you don't. I can do this. This is the first year you've been able to delegate more work to people and I'm really glad because you would go crazy trying to do all of that from across the country. I'm ready for this."
"You know I'm naming you as one of the show's producers and creative directors. It's been you carrying this year's event because of everything I've been juggling and I am forever indebted to you for taking my baby and caring for it like it were your own."
"Are you serious?"
"Dead. Now, here are all the contracts I needed to sign. The notary we got a whole back allows you to co-sign for me so we're all set. This year's show is yours..."
"It's ours, Liv," she hugs me. "Wait, you need to confirm your band, the quote-unquote small orchestra you want, and your set list. By end of the week...please?"
"You need to calm down with this power trip," I laugh.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Derek is playing a love interest to mine and Abby's characters and I can't help but think that my lady actually hates this...it might be that she is throwing little diva fits about how he can't deliver his lines when he's with her but you know. I've told her many times that Derek has become like a "bro" to me the way I am with Nick but that doesn't stop her jealousy.
It's very sexy when she gets jealous but I try to avoid that type of shit when it's work like this. I can't say I wouldn't be the same way if roles were reversed though.
We have another night shoot so Abby and I are laying in bed trying to nap when she shakes me to my core. I'm laying practically on top of her with my face nuzzling her chest.
"Baby, would you marry me if I asked you to?" She asks while drawing circles on my back.
I pause and really think about my answer, "I honestly don't know the answer to this question. I was engaged before and I couldn't even go through with it and I was scared of the thought of marriage, but when I picture my future it's without a doubt, hands down with you. I see you when I think about my future," I said trying my best not show that I was kind of freaking out. "I'm sorry if that's not the answer you hoping for."
"No, I understand your hesitation but you know I'd never hurt you, I hurt you enough to last a lifetime this past year and I promised myself and now I'm promising you that I will make it up to you every day for as long as you'll let me," Abby says.
"I know you will but you don't have to. What's love without a little pain and heartache, huh?" I joke.
"Yeah," she giggles.
"Would you propose to me or would I propose to you?" I ask jokingly.
"Uhm obviously you have to propose to me, you've already experienced a proposal! Duh! When would I ever get a chance to get to cry and fan my face like 'oh my god!" she laughs and pretends to fan her face.
"Fine..." I groan. "Did you know that I used to say that I wanted to get married twice?"
"WHAT?!"
"Haha yeah, I used to say the first one would be like a trial version then the second one would be for sure, I mean, I don't believe that now even though that joke kind of came true," I laugh.
"You're crazy," she says, her breathing has slowed and I know she's falling asleep.
Soon we both drift off to sleep, but not long after our alarm goes off notifying us of the long night shoot we have ahead of us.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Another episode of the show is airing and the whole cast likes to get together to live tweet the show, this week everyone has crammed into our condo to watch the episode and interact with the viewers.
"Oh my god, Liv you can see you crack and hold in a laugh after Abby's line!!! Someone rewind it! Oh my god hahahah!" Nick jokes.
"Stop! I didn't!" I protest.
"Bet! Bet you 2 sets of weighted pushups that you cracked!" He said indicatively.
Someone rewinds the scene and sure as Nick was I cracked a small smile and bit my lip to cover it up and everyone laughs and makes a joke about it.
Nick gets up and finds a couple of my textbooks to use for my weighted push-ups.
"Oh come on, Nick, you're not actually going to make her do it with those books..." Abby said in disbelief.
"A bet is a bet is a bet, Abby. Especially with Liv and I! Olivia, if you please, one commercial break should be enough time for two sets," he says smugly.
"Fuck you," I say as I get down in front of the tv and he places two of my textbooks on my back and I do two sets of push-ups. All of this, of course, ended up on social media and is the talk of the next days' media news.
It's been really nice having Nick to work with. We talk about music and everything like I didn't break up with his brother. We kept our friendship despite the sad thing that happened. I try my best not to ask about Lucas and he tries not to bring him up just because neither of us know what we should say about him. But I couldn't resist, "Nicky, how's Lucas doing?"
"He's okay, he's back to his music, he got together with a couple guys who were part of our band years ago and he wants to start a band with them. They're working on an ep right now," he says proudly of his brother. "He's not dating anyone right now...it did mess him up a little when news broke about you and Abby. I didn't say anything I figured that was something for you two to discuss..."
"Oh my god, it didn't even cross my mind to be the one to tell him. Oh my god, I'm such a bitch!"
"No, no. You're just happy is all, rightfully so. You shouldn't always have to be thinking about your ex."
"Doesn't mean I don't feel terrible about it. Would he hate me if I tried to tell him now after all this time?"
"No, I think he'd appreciate hearing it from you, I know I would if it were me."
"I haven't heard from him in a while, he sent me a birthday present like he does every year and flowers for the premiere of the show. He never forgot my birthday and always got me a present...I didn't think he would even bother since everything."
"Just because you guys aren't together doesn't mean you guys weren't friends for 10 years too...just give him a call, a text, and if you really can't at least an email," Nick shrugged. "I would prefer you not email him but you know whatever..."
"I'll call him...I'll try to meet up with him if he's in NYC next time I'm there," I nod my head and start to figure out my schedule. "It's time, I'm ready...I think..."
I should have never let it go this long dating Abby without telling Lucas...I'm instantly overwhelmed with regret and anxiety because how do you tell your ex-fiance that you've been secretly dating our former mutual friend, Abby Ricci, who's ex-boyfriend died and we all mourned. This should be easy...
Speaking of Monty, since Abby and I have been less and less of a secret I have this inescapable feeling of always being compared to him or not living up to what he was to her. Everyone deals with being compared to their girlfriend or boyfriend's ex, it's even harder, at least in my own mind, to be compared to someone who was so beloved and died how he did. This could honestly all be in my head but it's hard to escape these worries.
"Munch, come sit with me," I call for my tiny but mighty Italian lady. She's the cutest first thing in the morning. We just finished our late breakfast after a long night of filming.
"Hold on, let me finish these dishes."
I get up and walk over to my lady standing at the kitchen sink washing a pan that had the remains of our egg white scramble. I help her with the remaining dishes to speed up the process.
"Baby, I got it. You made breakfast, I could at least do clean-up," she argued.
"I wanna help," I say softly.
We finish and I embrace my girl, placing her arms on my shoulders and my arms around her waist, "I need to talk to you about something really important." I carry my munchkin to the couch with her legs wrapped around my waist. She giggled as I held her up from her ass.
I sit on the couch with Abby on my lap, "what do you wanna talk about or not talk about" she asks as she places soft wet kisses along my jaw.
I slid her off my lap because this is just too distracting and I need to be focused while I talk to her about Lucas.
"Aww...that's no fun," she pouts but keeps her legs on my lap.
"I want to ask you how you feel about me meeting up with Lucas next time I'm in New York, I haven't seen or spoken to him in over a year and the way we left things, I know there are still loose ends to tie up but more importantly I need to be the one to tell him about us. I should have told him months ago. I was too selfish and consumed by our bliss to even think about his feelings."
She's silent but her expression reads clearly, she doesn't agree with what I just asked her or doesn't like that idea at all.
"I understand you want to be the one to tell him about us, I respect that. But why do you need to meet with him and what loose ends do you possibly have to tie up with him? You guys made an entire break-up album for god's sake," she's off the couch now, standing over me and I can tell she's really working hard not to yell right now.
"Munch, listen to me. Yes, we did the EP together and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do -- it immortalized the end of our relationship, it ended almost 10 years of my life. Lucas is such a huge part of me before you he was the only person I ever loved...I didn't know how to love until him. A part of me will always love him just like how a part of you will always love Monty. I'm not doing this to try to hurt you or because I still have feelings for him or am doubting us because I'm not."
"This is the one topic we've never actually talked about," she pouts and settles herself next to me on the couch once again.
"Monty and Lucas..."
"Yeah...it's like Monty sent you to me after he died. He made it so our paths would cross the way they have. I know Monty, I know there wouldn't be hard feelings between the two of you over me. He wanted me to fall in love with you, I can't explain how I know, I just do. But Lucas, baby, I don't know. He could hate us for this. We were all friends, we double dated," Abby was clearly concerned about how everything would pan out.
"Munch...I love that with Monty you just know and I'm in awe of how strong you are and how much you trust him, even now. You need to trust me with Lucas. This is the only way we're going to find out where he stands and where we stand. I need to do this, Abby," I kiss her softly on the lips.
"I'm jealous that he may still hold a part of you with him and you hold a part of him in you," she whispers almost embarrassed and ashamed after admitting her true feelings.
I press my forehead against hers, wiping the tears falling from my girlfriend's eyes.
"My beautiful lady, I'm yours now and forever, endlessly. Your jealousy is sexy but uncalled for. You should know by now that anyone can flirt with me but it doesn't matter. Come with me, come with me to meet with him and let him see that I'm not his anymore, that every part of me will endlessly be yours," I say quietly with so much love and respect in my heart.
I want to confess and allow myself to show my vulnerability to my girlfriend about my insecurities of being compared to her dead boyfriend who she undoubtedly would have unfinished business with but I don't. I keep it in and close my eyes because that's a pain I can't even begin to think about facing.
Abby asks me to kiss her for hours on that couch and I did, I kissed her until she was full and content then I pulled my phone out and let her watch as I text my former fiance.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
"Are you ready?" I ask Abby who is looking in the mirror of our hotel room and putting her earrings on. I place both hands on her shoulders.
Her head is crooked to put on her right earring and the tender skin of her neck is exposed and I places soft kisses until she pulls away and walks to look in the other mirror. She's not the happiest about this meeting between the three of us. I don't know if its nerves or just plain disdain.
"Baby...," I whine similarly to hers. She's a bit overdressed for lunch but that doesn't mean she doesn't look smokin' hot.
"I'm ready, are you?" Abby says without looking over at me and walking to the exit.
"No. We're not going until you give me a smile, a kiss, and a promise that you'll behave," I say with a crooked brow.
"We don't have time for this, Olivia, can we just go? Lucas is probably already on his way," she shoots back at me.
"No! Abigail, he can wait, we can't. So come over here, give me a smile and a kiss and tell me you love me too!" I move over to the edge of the bed protesting and I pat a spot next to me.
She's a stubborn one when she wants to be because she's still standing at the door with her arms crossed and her jaw clicked. "Abby...," I coax her and pat the same spot again.
Still, nothing from the stubborn Italian so I lie back on the bed and text Lucas that we're going to be a little late. Abby stood her ground but I could see her shake her head and give a low throaty chuckle...almost like a growling dog. Of my three dogs, despite Mitch's obsessive attachment to her, she's more like Nessa my feisty chihuahua.
"Are you still mad or are you exercising your acting jeans today?" I ask with a sigh from the bed.
"I haven't decided yet," Abby deflected. In Ricci-language that meant she liked having the upper hand and wanted to hold it as long as she could.
"Okay, well when you decide, please let me know," I requested. "Until then, I've already told Lucas that we're running late."
A couple minutes later I felt the mattress dip and I could tell Abby was now situating herself next to me. There was a brief period of wiggling around until Abby found the most comfortable spot. I waited and then adjusted accordingly to mold my body against hers.
I could feel Abby's eyes on me.
"I'm not mad, I'm just the new girlfriend going to meet with the ex, no one would be perky in this situation, baby," she finally said.
"I know, but those look pretty perky to me," I gesture towards her hard nipples that are pressing against my side.
Abby chuckles, "they always are when I'm this close to you. Come on, I'm really ready this time and we've made Lucas wait long enough."
"I want my smile, kiss, and promise first," I say before we leave the hotel room. I get my smile, a sloppy wet kiss, and a promise to be on her best behavior.
Immediately I spot Lucas sitting in the back of the restaurant nursing what looks like his second beer. We're really late...shit. He waves up his right hand in case we didn't see him already. I lead the way to the table with Abby following closely behind me holding my hand but letting go, when she makes eye contact with Lucas.
He looks good, I'd be lying if I said I didn't keep up with any media news he was in so I've known that he's grown out his beard, not enough that he has a full beard, he's still trimming it every morning. His hair is short, really short. He's wearing jeans a black tee and a denim jacket, I think I got him that denim jacket if there's a patch on the left breast pocket that was the one I got him in LA.
I greet him with a big smile on my face and a warm hug, "Hi...sorry we're so late, something came up." He smiles back at me kissing me on the cheek, "Hi..." he says into my ear. "I'm two beers in though so you guys have some catching up to do. Hey Abby, long time no see! You look good!"
"Hey Lucas, it's really good to see you," Abby says giving Lucas a nice hug.
Lucas gestures for us to sit and calls over a waiter to get us all drinks and the menu. We order our drinks and food and awkwardly sit for a while waiting for our food, nursing our drinks.
"So, this is awkward right, Abby?" Lucas jokes. "I was thinking about the small talk we would have before we actually talk about what we came here to talk about and all I could think about was whether or not you guys have seen Hamilton," he laughs.
"OH MY GOD! Have you seen it? We've gone twice already!" Abby says excitedly. The two talk about Hamilton like I'm not even there but I'm okay with it because for a minute it felt like old times, only our tall friend was missing. It also felt really nice to see the two of them getting along despite both of them loving me -- one in the past and one in the present.
We eat our food and the two finally tone down their conversation about Hamilton long enough for me to interject, "Luc, I'm sorry...about everything. But mostly about not telling you about Abby and me right away. You shouldn't have found out with the rest of the world...this wasn't a thing while we were still together, I want you to know that."
"I was mad, at first to see you moving on, what ex wouldn't be, you know? Then I was a little upset that it was with Abby, kind of, because we were all friends before too. But I got over all of that when it occurred to me that it doesn't matter what I thought because it's not about me and you as a unit anymore. When we broke up and did the album together we promised we would be friends because we were friends before anything," he explained calmly and confidently.
"I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a little weird for me and that I'll always care for Liv and I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that you won't ever see me as a threat, but I'm not. I never, ever want to hurt Liv because I'm sure you've come to see that when she cries the whole world seems a lot less bright and you just feel compelled to make it your life's mission to never let that happen. Liv has...the biggest heart and is the most forgiving person you'll ever meet," he said to Abby like he was giving her his blessing.
He turns back to me and looks at me with his dark grey eyes, the eyes that made me fall in love with him over and over again, "Listen, I love you, bud, but I'm not in love with you anymore and I know you're not in love with me — we haven't been in a really long time. But, we know versions of ourselves that only we will ever know and understand, like I'll never be able to explain to anyone else what it was like when my dad was diagnosed with cancer; and you'll never be able to explain what it felt like to be used by your family -- because we only experienced those things together. You guys look so happy together and that makes me happy! I'm happy for...my friends, we're good!"
"Luc, I don't know what to say...," I try to respond to his speech he just gave us but how? He said everything.
Abby gets up and kisses Lucas on the cheek, caressing his scruff and says, "thank you."
"Take care of our girl, huh? She's a pain in the ass 99% of the time but she's always worth it," he smiles.
I turn my head before wiping the tears running down my face, "I'm not!"
Abby excuses herself to use the bathroom.
"Babe, thank you...I'll always be here for you. I can't see myself not ever being part of your life. I know we're both going to move on and have our own lives but I'll always be your friend too. Thank you for being so understanding of me and Abby, I know it isn't easy..."
"Nothing with you was ever easy but it was always worth it, it is hard seeing you with someone else but at least I know with Abby, you're in good hands."
"I am, what about you, huh?"
"I gotta get my music back on track, maybe then I can find someone to love again. I'm enjoying being single, I haven't been single in so long, forgot how nice it is," he jokes.
"I see you, I get it. Guess now, Nick won't feel so weird about the two of us now huh?" I laugh.
Abby comes back to the table as the two of us are laughing about how this must have been torture for Nick and we finish the rest of our dinner and order a few more drinks.
"Guys looks like we have company," Abby says nodding towards the window of the restaurant. Outside there are flashing bulbs of photographers.
"What do you wanna do?" I ask them both.
"There's no back exit," Lucas says.
"We go out together, all three of us then. Me then Lucas and then Abby. Did you uber here, Lucas?" I ask.
"Yeah," he replies. "Why don't we give you a ride that way we all get into the same car together, there's no fixing that the three of us have been seen together," Abby suggests.
"Sounds like a plan then," I say as all three of us make our way out of the restaurant together bracing ourselves for the paparazzi.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Abby and I both have more press to do for the show as well as the other cast members but the studios have staggered our appearances so production isn't halted. Abby is gone for the next three days to do press in LA and then when she gets back I leave for another three days and so on. Our days on set are slow and shorter without members of our cast there so I have more time than usual to work on my school work.
I'm in my trailer answering emails and on a phone call with Angie since I had to send her to LA to finish working on DSMN stuff. For the past six years, I've had to do this charity concert on my own and it was all consuming but now that it's a bigger scale we've increased our team for this specific reason. I haven't worried as much as I thought for this year's show, I've also been more occupied with other things so that might have helped.
The show is slowly approaching, two weeks to be exact. I've nailed my band and my setlist, and even the "small orchestra" I want to have as part of my band aka my Juilliard friends. All my musician friends are in and already starting rehearsal. My band flies in today to start rehearsal while I'm here in NoLa.
The more thought I put into it the more stressed and anxious I feel so I like to just slightly repress everything.
Speaking of repressing, I'm trying my best to rekindle a regular friendship with Lucas, because he was right when he said only we can understand certain versions of ourselves and DSMN was as much his baby as it was mine, he was there for all of it, he helped with my first show when it was just one night and only 75 lucky fans. Only he truly knows what this show means to me and this is the first year I'm doing it without him.
"Olivia, how do you want to stage the band and all the instruments now that you've added a 14 person orchestra?" Ken, my music director asks.
Oh I haven't thought this all the way through.
"Uhm, I'm not sure...however you see fit is good for me, for now?" I reply sheepishly.
"What about the blocking? This space is significantly smaller than the Greek theatre..."
"Ken, this is just for rehearsal we can worry about the blocking when we get to LA."
"Okay, well I set it up with your orchestra friends spread out through to balance out the sound, let's try a couple songs and see if that works. Are you sure about your Juilliard friends?"
"I've never been surer," I say confidently about my cohort members.
"Alright, everyone! Welcome to the first rehearsal for Don't Stop Me Now!!! By the end of our rehearsal and over the next 8 days I want us to be able to flawlessly play every song on the setlist, from beginning to end...no breaks. If you're flat, I'll tell you. If you fuck up, I'll tell you. If you can't play with everyone else, I'll tell you. Don't take my correction or my comments as a personal attack, this is a show I've been working on for years -- it's my baby. The audience pays big money to come see us and that money goes to charities that need it more than we ever will. Basically what I'm saying is DON'T. FUCK. UP. Play your heart out and enjoy the ride!" I give my pep talk more for my cohort as a reality check that this is my show and this isn't a joke, this is the real deal.
"Let's hit! 5, 6, 7, 8...!"
It takes us the entire first day of rehearsal to even begin to sound like a band, like a group. For some of my cohort this is their first big gig and I understand today they all had a lot of first-day jitters but they need to get their shit together.
"Hi, baby! How was the rehearsal?" Abby asks. I can see through my phone she's sitting on the couch at her house, still in full glam from her day of press.
"It was good, could have been better but we're all working on it. We need to work on sounding like one cohesive unit, not the band and the members of my cohort..." I sigh.
"You look tired, have you been getting enough sleep?"
"I'm trying but late nights and early mornings, you know? Anyways, how was your interview with Ellen? She sent me the picture of you two, you looked so cute, munch!"
"Do me a favor and try to nap, I know you love naps, take them more often! And Ellen was great, as always! But she did have a few things to say about our relationship after the show."
"What did she have to say?"
"She's really glad I'm living...out of the closet now, she didn't seem to really like the whole Matt thing. I assured her I would be making it up to you every day for forever but that may not have been convincing enough. She was asking how we were doing and I told her we're better now that I'm not so scared, that we're in a really good place together."
"Good, I think she's just worried, she said she sees a lot of herself in me, she's just concerned."
"I know, I think she was just the first person to actually tell me how bad that actually was to my face — aside from like our close friends."
"Doesn't matter how bad it was, munch, what matters is now and how right this feels, okay?"
"Okay," she smiles and makes kissy faces into her phone for me.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Back in LA with 4 days to go before the big weekend. The pressure is on, tickets sold out in 10 minutes when they were released. Even big Hollywood names have been personally calling me to get into the show. I have a day full of interviews followed by rehearsal. Then the same thing again tomorrow and the next day. I also have my mom's family in town that I'm trying to spend time with as well. It's always a hectic week right before DSMN.
"What do you want me to say to them, mom? Do you want me to lie? The whole world knows..."
"No, you don't have to lie. I already told them, but just so you know they're not all comfortable with it...you're uncle and tita, they don't understand so get ready for that, anak," my mom tells me.
It's like another punch in the gut, just when I thought I've ignored my dad's disapproval another family member has to disapprove.
"I don't need anyone's approval, mom. Believe it or not more people actually look up to me and respect me now more than ever, so don't think that I need your brother and your sister-in-law's approval of who I can love!" I walk out of the room in a huff, I know none of that was directed towards my mom, it's just hard to deal family that sees me differently because of who I love.
I walk back into my mom's living room after taking a breath and I sit with her placing my head on her lap, "scratch my head, please..."
"Anak, I know you don't need anyone's approval. I know you have become so much more respected. You don't need anyone's approval, not even mine, not even your dad's. I just wanted to warn you that things may be different," my mom says lovingly as she strokes my hair.
"I don't understand how they can look at me differently. I am still the same person. I don't deserve to be disrespected either, I hope you know that if anyone, family or not disrespect me or Abby, I won't stand for it..." I say this quietly but my mom knows I am serious.
"The respect should be mutual and I'll try my best to make sure that even though they don't like how you live your life, they need to respect you because since you've started this journey, my respect for you has only grown. I have seen you become this amazing woman who can do anything, who is changing the world. You have seen so much pain and felt so much heartache but you always give love and happiness to the world, that is something now even I have learned to do. Your talent is a gift, your mind is a gift, your heart is a gift. Your Granny is so proud of you, Livy...and she would love Abby for you," she kisses me on the head and pushes me to sit up.
"I love you, mommy."
I haven't seen much of Abby in the last two weeks and every part of me misses her. I come home to her but she's already asleep by the time I get there and I have to leave before she wakes up. This is only temporary but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
"Munch, wake up...I have to go," I scratch Abby's back and nuzzle my face against hers as I get ready to leave for the gym before work.
"Mmmm...what time is it? Don't go...stay in bed with me," she said ever so sleepily.
"It's 5 AM..." I think about her offer of skipping my morning workout to stay in bed with her, especially since I've missed her so much.
"Stay..." her eyes are still closed but her clever hands find its way to the waistband of my yoga pants and she pulls me closer to her.
I cave and I get back in bed with her as the big spoon molding her body to the shape of mine. I try to fight off the sleep that's been coming for me for weeks but the battle is futile and before I know it Angie is stomping through the house trying to wake us up because I'm late for something...missing that work out for that extra sleep with Abby was worth it.
After my mom warned me about my family members slight disapproval, Lee and I have distanced ourselves from them and made sure to keep our significant others away from their possible scrutiny. Kevin is confused and torn because this is his family and we're his siblings, he doesn't understand how they can approve of Lee but not his sister.
"I'm angry because my family adopted Lee and you don't care about who he loves -- showing me that you don't actually see Lee as part of our family. I'm upset because I know my sister has done more than enough to be proud of, she's done things none of you would ever dream of being able to do! How dare you discredit everything she has done because of who she loves? WHO MY BROTHER AND SISTER LOVE SHOULDN'T CHANGE HOW YOU SEE THEM! HOW DARE YOU GUYS?" Kevin is yelling at our entire family at the dinner table, as Lee, Jonathan, Abby and I walk in hand in hand to confront them.
"Looks like Kevin already said everything we needed to..." Jon whispers to us.
"Kev...it's okay," Lee and I each place a hand on our little brother's shoulder and calm his hurt and angry tears.
"It's...it's n-not o-okay! I h-heard what they were sa-saying about y-you guys!" he's trying to stay strong and angry but his tears are streaming down his face and my heart is breaking for my baby brother. He's trying so hard to defend us...
I step forward in front of my family who is trying to defend themselves for attacking a young man -- for attacking my brother for standing up for his siblings. "Lee is a part of my family. He has been for over ten years, my parents found it in their hearts to love him as a son and he loves them as his own parents. Lee is in a long-term committed relationship with his boyfriend, Jon who we love dearly because of how happy he makes Lee. I was engaged to a man that I grew up with but we grew up and now I am experiencing life and love for the first time again with my girlfriend, Abby, who I love and loves me. It shouldn't matter who we love but it does...to you. We love you all, you're our family but we have to respect that you may now see us differently. You don't have to accept us..." I reach for Lee and Abby. "...but as a family, we need to respect each other," Lee finishes.
"The kids are right, it shouldn't have taken Kevin's pain for his brother and sister for us to realize this. Lee, you are a part of this family, you always have and always will be please don't ever think otherwise. Olivia, the amount of respect we all have for you is overflowing and all that has ever mattered to us is your happiness. Anyone else in this family believes otherwise? Does anyone else not respect and accept what we all just discussed? Phil? Tess? You two were the ones who's opinion overshadowed the rest of ours..." my great-aunt says like the matriarch of this family she is.
Everyone shakes their head no and apologies spill out at once.
"Good, Abby...Jon...welcome to our crazy Filipino family!"