this chapter is a little different... and mainly focuses on laura and her life. hopefully it's not too boring but there is some raura in it to make up for the weird chapter.
enjoy💜
If This Is Love: 36 | Personal
| Laura Renae |
| September 12th, 2017 |
Airports always make me feel anxious. I don't know if it because I'm in a place with hundreds of people who are hurrying to get places or the fact that I'm about to get into an airplane for however many hours, but either way ima slays anxious. Flying to Ireland is going to take eleven hours. Ten and a half to get to Amsterdam and then another half hourish to fly from there to Ireland. Riker, Rydel, Ryland, Ellington, Stormie and I already hav sour bags checked, we already are sitting at our gate, and we're already for this flight. Well... Ryland is dreading it, but I'm ready for it.
A way to ease my anxiousness is to read. Whenever I go on planes, I always bring books. Even on long car ride,s I always bring a book. Never an online book either, it's always a paper back book. For the flight, I dressed so lazy. I'm in a pair of black leggings and a thin light grey crewneck that I may or may not have stolen from Ross before he left for Paris. I decided to wear my glasses, only because I didn't want contacts in for that long and I didn't want to nap in them.
"You ready for this ten and a half hour flight?" Rydel asks. I look up from the book I'm reading and stare wide eyed at her phone in my face.
"Yup." I reply, holding up my book.
"She's only saying that because she gets to see Ross." Ryland says, a cute little smile on his face. I gently nudge his side with my hand and roll my eyes, not really denying the fact that he's right.
"I'm sure Ross is flipping his ish right now." I give her a thumbs up, trying my hardest to hide my excitement. Obviously I'm beyond excited to see him, but I'm trying not to show it in front of Riker because he just had to leave Vanni and they were both crying while saying goodbye. I don't want to rub it in his face that I get to be with my boyfriend while he doesn't get to be with his girlfriend.
"Aye, did you take your pills today?" Ryland asks, gently tapping my shoulder. I look up from my book once again and turn to him, giving him a small smile and a head nod. "How's that going, by the way. Have you been sleeping?" He asks.
"Yeah, a lot actually. I'm a little nervous to see what the different time zones will do to me though." I tell him. "Hey, are you rooming with Riker and Rocky once we get to Ireland or are you by yourself?" He shakes his head and chuckles.
"No idea. I'm assuming you and Ross have your own room?" He asks. I shrug my shoulders, because I honestly don't even know. "Damn, why are the two of us always out of the loop?"
"Honestly, I don't know. But it always seams that way, doesn't it."
"Are you excited to see Ross?" He asks me.
"Is that even a question, Ryland?" I ask, tilting my head at him. "That's like me asking you if you're gonna miss Vader." I say.
"Shit." He mumbles.
To Big Bean😋💛:
Just landed in Amsterdam. Sadly we have a slight
layover. Hopefully we'll see each other soon
From Big Bean😋💛:
How was the flight?
To Big Bean😋💛:
I read for about an hour and a half before I fell asleep.
I took like a five hour nap, thanks to my medication,
and then Ryland and I watched a movie together, I read
some more while he fell back asleep, and then the two of
us watched another movie
From Big Bean😋💛:
Sounds super boring... Rocky and I aren't even
in Dublin and probably won't be for awhile
To Big Bean😋💛:
Aw why?
From Big Bean😋💛:
Just in a different city. We've been attempting to
play golf all day with dad. Attempting being the
keyword, we fucking suck. And if u don't believe
us, watch the footage Rocky sent to Rydel soon.
It's fucking embarrassing
To Big Bean😋💛:
I saw footage of you telling Rocky how adorable I
was a couple episodes ago
From Big Bean😋💛:
And I saw footage of u saying the same thing
To Big Bean😋💛:
Yeah yeah it's whatever. You're cute
From Big Bean😋💛:
Bean, I'm not "cute". I'm a man, I'm sexy
To Big Bean😋💛:
Sure
From Big Bean😋💛:
It's alright. We all know you think I'm sexy. Me and
my banana
To Big Bean😋💛:
Do we seriously have to bring that up like all
the time? I was sleep talking for goodness sakes
From Big Bean😋💛:
It was funny! And it was cute. U don't usually share
that stuff when ur awake. I'm glad to know I'm
appreciated. My banana is too
To Big Bean😋💛:
You're making me embarrassed Ross. We're literally
eating in the middle of the airport and my face is
seriously beat red
From Big Bean😋💛:
Make sure Rydel's filming!
To Big Bean😋💛:
I'm not a fan of you right now
From Big Bean😋💛:
U will be when we see each other. We have a room
to ourselves tonight
To Big Bean😋💛:
Hmmm we'll see. My medication makes me suuuuper
sleepy
From Big Bean😋💛:
Trust me, bean. U won't be sleepy
To Big Bean😋💛:
Stop talking like that. We won't see each other for
hours, Ross. Don't do this over text in a PUBLIC place
From Big Bean😋💛:
Ur right. Maybe I should stop texting u. Rocky's
getting pissed that I'm not paying attention
To Big Bean😋💛:
Okay. I love you, see you soon
From Big Bean😋💛:
I love you
Once I got to my room, I sighed the slightest at seeing how big the bed was. We usually share this size, but I was hoping for something a bit bigger. I set my suitcases down and fall onto the bed, a little more exhausted than I thought I'd be. I'm suppose to be meeting Rydel and Ellington over in their room because Rydel wants to do a mini face mask session before we go out to eat, but I think I want to take a nap. Sighing, I get out my phone and start recording myself.
"We just got to Dublin a little while ago and I'm so tired that all I want to do is take a nap." I say, even yawning at the end. "But I know I shouldn't do that because I need to be tired for when I actually go to bed later tonight." Again, I yawn. "Man, these pills make me insanely tired." I mumble. "Crap, did I just say that?" I add, fixing my glasses. "You know what... let's have a chat." I begin, actually sitting up fully. Surprisingly, I could position my phone on the headboard of the bed with my phone leaning up against the wall and get a pretty decent view. I quickly end the video so I can send the other stuff to Rydel for R6TV and keep this for when I'm ready to post for myself. I start the video and sit back a little, keeping a pillow on my lap.
In all honesty, I'd dint even know how to start this video. Like... I'm not even sure if I'll ever post this on any form of social media or if I'll just delete it right after. But my therapist did recommend me sitting down and filming myself talking about my anxiety and when I watch it back I'll know what choice to make based on how I feel watching it. I guess it wouldn't hurt to just start talking. Sighing, I press record before I chicken out.
"Hey." I say, immediately closing my eyes. What the hell was that? "Okay... I had my first panic attack when I was maybe eight or nine. I was uh, I was woken up from a bad dream one night and just remember feeling... well, panicky. I know that's a bad word for it, but it was like I couldn't breathe. I was... I don't even remember the dream, because I had those types of dreams almost every night growing up, but I just remember being scared. Usually after a bad dream I'd walk over to my brothers room and sleep in his bed without him knowing until he woke up that morning.
"But that night it felt... different. I felt like I couldn't go climb in my protectors arms because I didn't really know what the heck was going on. My breathing was so bad that I ended up coughing into my pillow and dry heaving so bad I actually thought I was about to throw up. I don't remember much more from that night, just that I cried myself back to sleep and never told a soul. My next couple panic attacks happened the same way, waking up form a nightmare. It became more frequent for me to sleep in my brothers bed to the point where my parents took me to therapy. From the age of eleven to fourteen, I went to therapy. At first it was twice a week, then it bumped down to once a week, then to once every other week, and finally to once a month.
"Still, my parents had no idea that I was having these panic attacks. My therapist knew, but she told me it was a normal thing for kids to have because I didn't tell her the extent of it. I didn't tell her that I couldn't sleep without by brother. When I was eleven, after maybe having seven or eight major panic attacks, because some of them are so small I don't even count them as ones, I was at dance and started to feel one come on, so I ran out of class and into a hallway closet. I've had some at dance before and usually would just go to the bathroom or step outside, but this one I knew was getting bad. Except... I was followed that day and... Ross, as in Ross Lynch my bandmate slash best friend, happened to be the one that followed me.
"At this point in time, we weren't close. R6 wasn't even a thought yet, we just knew each other from dance. But we were in the same mixed jazz class and well, that was the day we first officially met and I guess from our brief exchange of words, he thought he needed to follow. Anyways... he completely freaked out seeing me so... hysteric, that all he knew to do was panic too. But after a couple minutes, he got me to clam down. That day, I made him swear not to tell a single soul. And he didn't. But... we still weren't close after that, I went through a few more slight panic attacks without him, until we became a new band.
"Ross and I never use to be so close. We were always aware we had things in common and would talk to each other when we had dance class together or when we passed by each other at the dance studio but it was never... it was never like how it is now until we were nearly fifteen years old. But during that time, when we weren't super close, we both recently got phones. So once when the band was over at Ross' house and they were all jamming,
And I think Rydel was at dance, but I was watching them because I felt weird the whole day and didn't want to play piano. And I just... something triggered in my head and I started to feel panicky and ended calmly walking to the bathroom, but Ross somehow... he somehow knew something was up and followed me again.
"That was the second one he helped me through and that was also the day he told me I needed to start calling him when they happened. We probably were like twelve or maybe even thirteen here, and for a few years, I'd call him at least four or five times a month in complete tears in the middle of the night. Most nights he'd calm me down before shit hit the fan, but some nights it took a little longer. By the time him and I got inseparably close, so just shy of fifteen years old, my night terrors were barely happening anymore that I decided to quit therapy.
"So I had to either text Ross or call him almost every night before I fell asleep to hopefully keep the night terrors away. And it worked for the most part. Once we both got our license, I got back into having panic attacks because of the stress of driving and the stress of grades counting towards graduation and college, not to mention our band was starting out and just it was so much to handle. And uh, when I'd call him up in the middle of the night, he'd try his absolute hardest to sneak out and come here. A lot of the times he ended up succeeding and I'd sneak him into my room where we'd lay in my bed while he calmed me down.
"That went on until we were eighteen years old because at that point, we moved into the band house. Now in the band house, everyone's bedrooms were upstairs while mine and Ross' were downstairs. I had the office room, so mine was so tiny, but Ross had a nice decent sized room. At this point in time, the only person who knew about my anxiety and panic attacks were my old therapist and Ross. My sleeping was absolutely horrendous. I couldn't sleep without someone else in my bed. And since Ross was downstairs with me and was the one person who knew about the anxiety and stuff, I'd end up in his bed and vice versa more times than not.
"Eventually, everyone else in the house found out and thought it was because I was having height terrors again. Believe it or not, they did know about that and about me having therapy when I was younger, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Ross and I just usually slept in the same bed and all was fine. Occasionally Ihad panic attacks because sometimes stress builds up, but for the most part I was fine... up until this year.
"Some things happened at the beginning of the year that involved my feelings towards someone else shifting and... it was a lot to handle for someone who's never been in a relationship. For awhile... I stopped sleeping in Ross' bed and he stopped sleeping in mine for reasons I'm not going to talk about now, but it took a toll on me. He was the one to help me sleep, and when that gets taken away from you... well you end up not sleeping. So for about roughly five or so months, I rarely slept.
"On top of those five months, I was juggling full time school, picking up dance subbings, helping the band with new music, and going to photo shoots and interviews without any sleep, so things got... a little out of hand. I ended up having a panic attack in front of the entire band, including Vanni, Mark and Stormie and even Ryland. Luckily Ross was there to help, but him and I weren't really on the best of terms... anyways, everyone found out that day, and then Ellington told my parents the next day. From that day on, Ross and I ended up sleeping in the same bed together again every. Single. Night. That was back in May.
"May was a great month. Once tour started in June, it got a little difficult. I was still in school and I was trying to finish early that quarter so I could take my finals before starting my movie I filmed in August, so basically I was getting ahead. That was super stressful and I ended up doing terribly, but in the end I ended up acing all the classes I was taking and the finals, but I still wasn't sleeping because we had separate bunks. So I'd take naps on the couch or in the back lounge with Ross to help me sleep.
"He didn't have to really be asleep to help me, he just had to be near me. He was my safety in a way. But then I left to go film my movie and that's when I realized something was wrong. I couldn't keep relying on a guy to make me strong. I love Ross, I really really love the guy, but I wanted to be able to sleep without him by my side. When I was in Atlanta filming... I had a panic attack. Not only that, I had this thing called sleep paralysis, and I swear... it was the most scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life.
"It's like I was awake but not, and I saw so many figures around me, screaming at me and I couldn't... I woke up screaming bloody murder and ended up calling Ross in tears in the middle of the night. The next day, I was actually flying to Mexico so I ended up staying up for forty eight hours straight because I was afraid to sleep without him. In Mexico we shared a hotel room and I slept. I slept great. I ended up taking a nap that next day in Rocky's hotel room where I ended up experiencing sleep paralysis again. That's when I realized I needed help. I knew I had to see my therapist again.
"I couldn't go to L.A. right away after Mexico because I had to finish my movie, so Ross ended up flying back with me to Atlanta for a few days while I finished up. The day before our Oklahoma show, we flew back to L.A. and I finally saw my therapist. She ended up prescribing me medication to help with my anxiety and I took them for a whole week before seeing her again. That whole week was pure bliss. They helped. So... now I'm taking a perception medication to help ease my anxiety and believe it or not, I can actually sleep through the night without Ross being by my side.
"The only downfall is I go to bed really early and wake up really early, but I'd take this any day. I feel great, you guys. I don't need to depend on Ross to sleep every night, which is great considering the past two weeks he's been here in Europe while I was back home in L.A.. On top of feeling great again, I've been seeing my therapist for an hour three to four times a week this past month and I couldn't be more happy with how it's going. Therapy isn't scary, it's relieving. It's another safe place away from rosss arms. But now that I'm on tour, I'll Skype her twice a week until I get back home and we'll see what happens next. All I know is that right now, in this moment, I'm happy. My anxiety is under control, there are a few times I've felt a little stressed or just... scared or something, but it's not nearly as bad as it use to be, so I'll take it.
"I'm not saying you need a boy or girl to help you through this, or that you need to get on medication ASAP to relieve your pain, all I'm saying is that help isn't such a bad thing. I wish I would've taken my brothers advice and Ross' advice to see my therapist years ago and maybe I wouldn't have gotten this bad... but I was stubborn. I was beyond stubborn. Hopefully I'll keep this up because I'm really loving it. If I go through with posting this video, I'll be sure to keep all of you updated with everything so no one has to worry, if you're even worrying. And if this actually gets posted, thank you so much for watching. This all sounds crazy, I know... all of a sudden I drop this bombshell on all of you?
"Trust me, I was the one holding myself back from sharing a part of my life with you. I didn't even tell my own parents until this year that I suffer from panic attacks. All I'm saying it please get help. Don't do what I did. And if you're doing exactly what I'm doing, then remember that I got help and I'm so much happier. Do what makes you happy, you guys. I love each and every one of you. Thanks for watching."
I quickly end the video and take a slightly shaky breath. Holy shit I just did that. I seriously just poured my heart out in a video for... almost eleven minutes. Holy hell... what a relief.
"We are currently on our way to eat because we're actually starving." Rydel says into her phone camera. I'm walking beside her, keeping my eyes on the sidewalk as we walk to wherever Ryland is leading us too. Ellington and Riker trail a bit behind, talking about how they want to run in a couple days when we get somewhere else. "Ross and Rocky are either here and we haven't run into them yet or they're stuck in a different city."
"They're actually stuck in a different city still, I believe." Riker says, pushing his glasses up. Both him and I haven't bothered taking our glasses off.
"They're on their way." I add. "I think they'll be here in like an hour or something." I was beyond exhausted. After I filmed my video, I ended up walking over to Rydel and Ellington's room and actually doing a face mask and what not. Believe it or not, I actually fell asleep in their bed beside my brother who was messing around with drumbeats on his laptop for maybe a half hour. That's when Rydel woke me up and said we were going to go get food.
"Oh, alright sweet." Rydel says, giving a thumbs up.
"Hey, you took your medication, right?" I hear Riker say. "How does that even work over here? Does it matter what time of day you take it?" Rydel stopped filming, which I honestly didn't care if she filmed this or not, but I turn around and walk backwards for a few.
"I took it when I woke up. As long as I take it when I wake up in the mornings I'll be fine. It'll be a little weird now since I'll be jet lagged so I'll probably wait to take it in the mornings until I'm up to the time difference, but it shouldn't be hard." I tell him. "I guess we'll see what happens." I add.
By the time we all made it to the pub and were situated, Ross ended up texting me saying they just arrived in the city and are fifteen minutes away from our hotel. Once they both got settled, he sent me another text saying they were on their way to find us because apparently they knew where we were at. Turns out, they didn't and ended up eating somewhere else while us five ate our meal here. By the time we finished, it was dark out and we all decided to go back to the hotel. Ryland actually grabbed a cab and went down to the venue to meet Mark and Andre who were doing a few things there. Riker went back and took some night time bulletproof stuff that he swears by, and Rydel and Ellington decided to go to their room and watch a movie. I passed on their offer and went back to my room.
Ross' few suitcases were in our room now, the other two I brought of his were already here to start with along with my five. Luckily, the bus is coming in the morning so we can load all of it in there and then head to the venue. Honestly, I just really wanted Ross to come home because I want to hug the absolute crap out of him. To distract me, I took a quick shower without getting my hair wet because I wasn't in the mood to wash it now. Once I was out and in some sweats and a t-shirt, Ross sent me a text saying Rocky went to the venue and he is on his way back to the room. Patiently, I waited twenty minutes for him and all I did was scroll through my Instagram explore page. But once I heard the door open, I was on my feet and rushing to the door.
Before he could even shut it, I had my arms around his neck and was on my tippy toes, struggling to stand. Ross chuckles the slightest and wraps a single arm around my back, giving me a squeeze as he uses his other hand to shut the door. Once it was shut, he made a loud groan and picked me up off my feet, letting me wrap my legs around him. Even if we were only apart for twelve days, it still sucked.
"I missed you." I mumble, planting a single kiss against his neck.
"I missed you, too." He tells me. "How are you? Are you tired at all?" He asks me, pulling his head back. I pull my back as well, looking into his eyes.
"I was, but now you're here and I'm wide awake." I say quietly. He gives me a smile before kissing my lips for a second.
"Let me pee real quick and change. We can put on a movie or talk in bed." He tells me, gently setting me back on my feet. Sadly, I let go of him and crawl into bed, getting my phone ready to show him the video. It took Ross a minute to pee and strip down into his underwear, actually handing me his shirt he wore today to trade out with a shirt of his I washed a week ago and no longer smelt like him. "Ooo, you are so warm." He mumbles once he's under the covers and pulling me in for a hug.
"I have something to show you." I whisper, pulling away. He had his eyebrows furrowed. "You remember how I was telling you about how I wanted to let the fans know about my panic attacks?" I ask, referring to a conversation we had a few days ago over FaceTime.
"Yeah, you talked about it at your appointment with your therapist." He replies.
"Yeah. And well... when we got here, I had some time to kill and I uh, I actually filmed myself talking about it." I say, grabbing my phone. I use my fingerprint to unlock it, showing him the video.
"Ten minutes and fifty two seconds? Holy shit, bean." He whispers, taking my phone from his hands. "Am I allowed to watch it?" He asks. I give him a small nod. "You sure?" He asks.
"You already know everything on it." I say. He takes a deep breath before sitting up against the headboard. I scoot up beside him, wrapping my hands around his left arm and resting my head on his shoulder. He takes a few seconds to stare at the video before finally pressing play. The whole time, Ross kept his eyes on the screen. I haven't watched it yet, so every now and then I would close my eyes to try and hold back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. The video ends and Ross just stares at my screen for a few more seconds.
"You... you're seriously the strongest person I have ever met in my entire life." He quietly says. "You're so incredible, bean. How the hell did you even go through this?" He asks, locking up my phone. I detangle myself from around him and sit up normally, turning around to face him.
"It wasn't the worse thing in the world, Ross. And I have amazing family and friends. I'm not as strong as you think I am." I tell him.
"Bean, are you serious?" He asks, sitting up. "You're telling me that you're not strong? Are you blind?"
"Kinda, yeah." I whisper, warning an eye roll from him. "You're making me seam like this escaping a death experience or something. All I did was not sleep. Almost everyone on this earth has the same exact problems as me." I say.
"And they are just as strong as you. Don't put yourself down because of this. You're incredible no matter what you think." He says. I give him a small smile, giving up this little argument we're having.
"Thanks." I whisper. He gives me a slight head nod and hand some back my phone. I quickly turn around and plug it in, set my glasses beside it on the table, and get back under the covers.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" He asks me.
"Sure."
• here is a long chapter for you!!! don't forget that i have another book out called Worth the Wait. go to my profile and check it out, chapter 2 was just posted! don't forget to vote, comment something sweet and follow me! •
-rydelly_belly💜