PROLOGUE
My mind can be anything I want it to be.
It can be the ocean while I am the waves. The galaxy, and the stars are the blinking ideas.
And on the dark side, it can be the world where doubts are the countless meteors burning inspirations into embers.
Tinanggap ko ang handheld mirror na inabot sa akin. My eyes feasted at first on the vintage intricate design surrounding it with the studded gemstones running along in every detailed curves, expecting to see the same beauty when confronted by my own reflection. Hinarap ko ang salamin sa kabila, paulit-ulit, naaaliw sa bawat tama ng kislap sa aking mukha. In the golden rays of the afternoon sun, shreds of silver from the stones danced in the fairest of my dolled-up face.
My eyes caught the heart inset at the base of the mirror's handle. Ang nag-aalinlangan kong daliri ay binakas ito, as if the caress could disguisingly wipe out the chaos in my heart.
They can say that I'm the lucky one. Blessed, with how the people see that life has been so great to me. To us, and to our family. The people who get to look at the whole picture from the outside instead of also to perceive within. Because luck is not a fulfillment. To see us blessed and happy is not all there is to it. Dahil nakikita ka nilang kumpleto at marangya ay hindi ibig sabihin na wala ka nang hinihiling na iba. We may have owned the world, but the world is not what we need but the luxury of its refuge. We may have everything, but what the most of us truly needed are the simpliest entities enough to stop asking for more. And I always wondered why can't we easily have what we want? Instead, we were given the things, born with the possessions, that we'd never really hoped for?
Mother told me to just be grateful. I do, everyday. Or at least, I did before I lost my faith. Gratitude is a sublime quality which can probably equal to honesty and fidelity but for someone who is sick of dissatisfaction, nothing could ever beat contentment.
Ang nakataob na salamin sa tela ng damit kong puno ng diamante ay unti-unti kong inaalsa at hinarap sa aking mukha. I only had one or two seconds to stare at my own reflection nang agaran akong nasilaw sa tama ng sinag. Nilagpasan ng sinasakyan namin ang mga building na humaharang sa araw. I recoiled and swiftly closed my mascara-filled eyes and opened them again only to find myself staring at my own reflection...
This time, in a wider mirror.
Nilipat ko ang matatamlay na alon ng aking buhok sa kabilang balikat. My brown locks gleamed against the light from the chandelier above. In my four poster bed behind me, mahina ang tugtugin galing sa aking phone. I was humming to this song about being unloved when unattractive while my fingers are tracing my blatant collar bones.
Sa hindi malamang dahilan, tumigil ang daliri ko sa kalagitnaan. With my fingernail, I pricked my skin. I winced at the slightest pain felt but then, I did it again and again until it left a pinkish tint and crescent shape mark from my nail. Tumigil lamang ako nang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang matagal nang naninilbihan sa aming si Inay Hirelda.
My sweet smile hid my panic when she passed by, may dalang inumin para sa akin at nilapag sa tukador na nasa gilid. Kunwari'y walang ginawang malisya, umatras ako at nilapat ang mga palad sa hugis ng aking baywang.
I examined my own figure. Inipon ko ang labis na tela ng aking sutlang roba at kinuyumos sa likod hanggang sa naging pangalawang balat ko na ito na lumilok sa aking hugis. I flattened my stomache and sucked my inner cheek, staring at myself like this for a long time until breathing is not possible anymore. I exhaled loudly earning a look of disapproval from our old handmaiden.
Halos yumuko ako, nahihiya sa ginawa. But it was more like a disappointment to myself.
I don't understand why it is easier to marvel on the kind of beauty that didn't come from yours. A beauty from our skin. Kasi kung ganoon kadali ang pagpapahalaga sa sarili, maybe I could have been happier. Naglalagay naman ako ng mga pampaganda sa mukha ko, pero bakit hindi ko pa rin magawang mahalin ang sarili ko?
I don't think this is about vanity. That's an extreme appreciation on your own image. Mine isn't working that way. Because staring at the mirror for the longest time, I mostly linger on my imperfections and how I hated them.
Sabi nila, wala naman daw. Na sa isipan ko lang iyon dahil perpekto raw ang aking mukha. Almond eyes and upturned like a cat's eye, bee-stung lips... I pouted and never agreed. Iyon kasi ang sinabi ni Mommy sa akin. She said that I could have been prettier. Could have been. Not like this. Not the way I look right now.
"Nahihiya na ang salamin sa kakatitig sa ganda mo, Deirdre..." malamyos at nangingiting puri sa akin ni Inay Hirelda.
She's standing behind me, silently observing my movements. Kahit sa katandaan, magaan ang mukha ni inay dahil palagi itong nakangiti at positibo. While it was a foolish attempt of me to ever think about reaching that point of my life, getting old and happy. Because I always thought that I would die young and before I turned thirty.
Ngumiti ako, nahihiya sa papuri kahit hindi naman talaga ako sang-ayon doon. Nang naibaba ang tingin sa baso sa tukador ay parang binagsakan ang kalamnan ko.
"Tubig?"
I caught her alert eyes. Lumapit siya ng kalahating hakbang na tila tinanggalan ng karapatan ang sarili na mapalapit sa akin. "Iyan ang sinabi ng Mommy mo na ipapaakyat daw dito."
"Huh? But I'm hungry na..." I groaned while guarding my rumbling tummy. "I'm not even sure kung puwede akong kumain mamaya..."
Why do I even have to complain when it is always been like this? Dapat sanay na ako na ginugutom.
Natitigan ko sa salamin ang sirang mukha na galing pa sa lamay ng aking reklamo. I noticed my lipstick has faded showing lines of white cracks on my lips due to my thirst. Inubos ko ang isang baso ng tubig. I snatched the nearest lipstick then pulled the cover open to reveal a nude shade in peach undertone, a compliment to my fair skin.
"Where is she? Is her hair and make-up done?"
Nagkatinginan agad kami ni Inay Hirelda sa salamin at natagpuan ang kakambal kong reaksyon. Ilang hakbang ang inatras niya palayo mula sa akin sakto sa pag-ingit ng pinto nang magbukas.
My mother's heels could catch the neighborhood's attention the manner it echoed firmly on the walls as she stepped in. Hand's on the door, she easily found me in front of the mirror. I stood up straight just like what she always tells me to do.
Lihim akong naghihingalo habang kanyang nilalapitan. Bihis na siya ayon sa kagustuhan nitong ayos; Primarily, her neatly coiffed hair in a French pleat should always be present and her white Armani silk dress.
"Let me see how they did... your make up, hm?" Her tone has a distinguishable rise to it as she spoke.
She hooked her slender manicured forefinger on my chin and lifted it up to scrutinize me. Kumukurap kurap ako, takot sa maaari niyang sabihin. Afraid to be the victim of her self-deprecating could have beens; I could have been pretty. I could have been better... Because everytime she says these comparisons between reality and the passed up possibility, it doesn't only breaks my heart.
That is why her approval is always important to me. I grew up believing this way. Her perceptions are in high standards. Kaya kung pupurihin man niya ako, ibig sabihin ay perpekto na ako sa paningin niya at sa iba.
"Hm. Very well," she lazily droned sabay bitaw sa aking baba at pumameywang. A condescending look in her eyes. "Behave tonight, Deirdre. Impress the Silvestres."
"Yes, Mother." Maigi akong tumango.
"Good."
Pagkatapos tanguan ang aking pangako ay hinarang nito ang kamay niya sa akin habang taas noo akong pinapalitan sa harap ng salamin. She stepped forward, chin up. Umatras ako sa marahan niyang pagkakatulak sa akin.
"Hirelda," Mother called, agad umabante ang matanda. "Kailangan ko ng apat sa mga kasamabahay natin para iakyat dito ang gown. I had it shipped from Paris so you should never waste this opportunity for us, Deirdre..."
Saglit niya lang akong sinulyapan sa gilid bago binalikan ang repleksyon niya sa harap. Then she turned left gracefully, her face still facing the mirror to observe her own self fixing the dress in that ever slim body.
"Opo, Mommy..."
Naririnig ko na ang mas maiging paghahanda sa baba nang bumukas muli ang pinto sa paglabas ni Mommy. Sumabay na rin si Inay Hirelda at iniwanan ako ng ngiting makahulugan ang simpatya. Yes, they know. Everyone knows what's been going on but silence is a better friend so they chose to side with it.
The noise outside got muffled when the door closed. Mag-isa na naman ako. It is always a danger when I'm alone... with my mind.
I can be anyone who I want to be... in my mind...
A vintage rose gold ballgown was sent to my room at ang apat na inaatasan na mga kasambahay ay tinulungan akong isuot ito. May nag-aayos sa likod, ang dalawa sa gilid ay pinagkakaabalahan ang aking buhok at boda. At ang isa'y kinukuha ang ipapares na sapatos. The girl on my right fixed the sheer cape and covered my slim arms completely. Ilang sandali na paghahanda pa ay iginiya na nila ako sa labas ng kuwarto at sinalubong ng mangha at matitingkad na ilaw sa bulwagan.
But there's a darker place than this world I am living in. Inside my head. Our minds could picture out infinite possibilities beyond the reality of what the universe could offer us. Ang mga hindi totoo sa mundo ay naging katotohanan sa ating mga isip. Ang mga hindi nangyayari ay nabubuhay sa kadiliman ng mundo... sa ating mga isip. Pinapangunahan ang mga posibilidad, at ang mga hindi naman talaga mangyayari.
Which should not always be the case, right? Most times, as by experience, overthinking kills. Hope, faith, confidence... mine all belonged to the grave in my make shift cemetery.
But thinking has been my escape. Dahil ang mga gusto kong gawin na malayong mangyari ay nagagawa ko sa aking isip. My imagination is the other world I visit once reality doesn't comfort me. Truth be told, it doesn't feel right to be in this world anymore.
At wala akong kinakatukatan sa imahinasyon ko.
My mind wracked for the hallways and I followed the path. Sa halip na dumiretso sa kasiyahan sa baba, lumiko ako sa kuwarto sa kaliwa. I found a calibre 45 gun in someone's closet. It could be mine, or my father's or anyone. As I think back of all my misgivings, my incapabilities and insecurities, these are the bullets inside the mouth of this gun, ready to be fired.
Because experiencing the sense of everything made me realize that perfection is never what I aimed for. Perfection is just an illusion of an empty space filled with colors to motivate us to persevere. It is an ideal concept. A standard to pursue. A deception of what's behind. Dahil kung perpekto ka na, hindi ibig sabihin ay payapa na. You may be living a perfect life but what about a peace of mind? That is not perfection at all.
What I truly want is not to be free from all the flaws but to learn to accept MY defects and embrace them. And to get rid of my insecurities. Iyon ang kailangan ko.
Ngunit sa ilang taon ko rito sa mundo, nagsanib lahat ng insekuridad ko. They piled and fucked me over in the head. I closed my eyes and in my trembling hand, pointed the gun in the middle of my skull, in between my fashioned brows. Mariin ang pagpikit sa unti unting pagdiin ng daliri ko sa gatilyo.
Dilim ay lumamon sa aking paningin sa nakakabinging pagsabog.
"Happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday..."
I sucked in a full breath as I take stock of what is happening in front of me. My lungs felt full almost to the point of suffocation. Everything is vague, like a vignette filter, madilim sa gilid ng aking paningin at malabo sa gitna ang mga tao. But I could tell beneathe the smothered noise that they are cheering. A high-pitch whistle sound invaded my ears as I try to adjust myself to the present. To this reality where I'm alive.
Lumunok ako at saka pa lamang luminaw ang pandinig ko sa kasalukuyan. I blinked once then everything's clear again. Tulala ako, gulat habang nakangiti lahat at sumasabay ang palakpak sa kanta. Confettis scattered in the air, slowly descending to the tiled floor. Hinayaan kong sumabit ang isa sa aking pilikmata at takpan ang kalahati ng aking paningin.
"Deirdre, are you alright?" A gentle hand perched on my bare shoulder.
Hindi ko masyadong maaninag dahil sa kislap ng chandelier sa taas, but I know it was him before he'd stepped closer and blocked the light. His curious and worried smile has always been his signature. Sharp brown eyes meant to rule a court, paired with extremely good looks, great body and a reputation that you could confidently grace into your family's record requirement—Quentin, my handsome escort for tonight.
"Uhm... oh-oo! I'm alright!" I stuttered, tinatakpan ng marahang tawa ang sandaling kahihiyan.
Mas pinag-alala ko lang yata siya dahil sa pagkautal ko. Lumingon ako sa ibaba ng stage at sinubukang hanapin si Mommy. I found her engaging in a lively talk with the Silvestres, Quentin' s parents, alongside with my menacing father, both had a flute in their hands.
Hindi ko alam kung madidismaya ako o magiginhawaan. Probably the latter. Hindi nila natunghayan ang nangyari. I momentarily got lost in the present. Pero habang kasama ko si Quentin, wala silang dapat ipangamba. I still get to impress them when this is after all my debut and not a business function to attract investors.
"Deirdre, tulala ka na naman. What's wrong, babe?"
Lumuwang ang lubid ng tulala ko sa itinawag niya. Babe? Kailan pa? May dapat ba akong malaman?
"S-sorry, I haven't... eaten since..." I licked my lips awkwardly, uncomfortable from either the sudden endearment and by what I was about to spill.
Our families have been quite tight allies for such a long time. Ngayon nga lang kami mas nagkaharap nang personal. I only see him through the screens, newspapers, heard his name spilled from my classmates' painted lips but most commonly had sighted him in gatherings hosted by some mutual acquaintances but never like this. Kaya medyo naguluhan ako sa sinabi niya. It's not much of a big deal but I do think my parents has some involvement in this.
I didn't even agree to this party. My parents plotted everything from the guest list, theme, my gowns... But then I thought, not every eighteen year old could have this opportunity during their birthday while I can have more than what the dreamers could imagined and made possible. Kaya sa huli, nagpapasalamat ako. Kahit na hindi naman talaga sila nandito para sa akin kung 'di para lang paunlakan ang imbitasyon ng aking mga magulang. I am only important to these people because I am the daughter of my parents.
"Are you hungry? I'd slice a cake for you or, samahan kitang kumuha ng pagkain."
I sweetly smiled at Quentin's concern. Pero alam namin pareho na sugo lang din siya ng mga magulang niya. Imagine, he goes to law school? Kahit kakasabi lang niya sa akin kanina na pangarap niyang magtayo ng building. He never talked about cases at all.
Tinanggal niya ang sumabit na confetti sa aking lashes at ningitian ako pabalik. My smile faded when his knuckle lightly brushed on my cheek. Kumabog ang puso ko hindi dahil sa nasiyahan.
"You've really grown beautifully, Deirdre..." he whispered, touching an adoration in his manly voice and almost to the point of rasp.
Sa tangkang pag-ilag ko sa tingin niya, tumagpo ang aking mga mata sa antigong wallclock sa ibabaw ng hamba ng aming bulwagan. The short hand is pointing at the eleventh roman numeral. My sleeping time is usually at ten pero siguro dahil sa pagtitipon, papayagan ako ni Mommy na lumagpas ng alas diyes.
But tonight is different. Would she be happier if I initiate, for the first time, my beauty sleep?
"Uhm... I have to go to the restroom."
As if he was being pulled out from a trance, bumagsak ang ngiti ni Quentin at natulala sa mangha. He blinked a few times before fusing his brows together. Kinabahan ako sa pag-aakalang naiirita ito sa paumanhin ko.
"S-sure, Deirdre." He licked his lips in deep thought. Mukhang naguluhan pa ito noong una hanggang sa naiayos na ang sarili at pumormal ng ngiti. "But please come back. Isasayaw pa kita."
He stole another caress in my cheek. I tried to summon for the most approved reaction but it failed me. Lumihis ang mga mata ko sa ibaba ng stage. There, my mother, slowly sipping on her champagne while looking at the both us. And if my far sight wasn't a bitch of a fraud to me, I could outline the smirk lurking behind her transparent flute.
I retreated to Quentin with a sweet smile. Wala akong ibang sagot kung 'di iyon lang bago siya tinalikuran at bumaba ako ng entablado.
Inalsa ko ang gilid ng aking gown. I struggled for a smooth pass through the crowd to avoid embarassing myself all over. Pahinto hinto, dahil sa mga bumabati sa akin. May ilan na gusto pa nang mahabang usapan. I always point at our restroom. Naiintindihan naman siguro nila iyon.
Muli kong sinulyapan ang wallclock. It pushed me to hurry my steps despite my heavy gown nang may humarang na dalawang ginang sa aking harapan. Mommy's celebrity friends na kalimitan na kliyente niya.
"Deirdre! We've been looking for you. Happy birthday, darling..." She cupped my face at hinalikan ako sa magkabilang pisngi.
"T-thank you..."
Lumapit ang isang kasama niyang may dala na inumin. I could smell the strong expensive perfume nang dumikit ang ilong ko sa balikat niya pagyakap nito sa akin. Hindi ako huminga nang ilang segundo para lang iwasan ang amoy.
"Oh my God, Deirdre! I could have break your bones! Ang payat payat mo, hija..." She pulled away gently then squeezed my arm. Halata ang dismaya niya sa aking katawan. "Maybe three or four pounds would do then you can ask Gracielle na ilakad ka kay Kennedy. I'm certain you know your mother's trans friend?"
Ngumuso ako at tiningan na rin ang sarili. "B-but I'm still fat..."
Natigilan ang dalawa at sa isa't isa'y tinagpo ang mga mata. They looked so shock I wonder why. Hindi ko maintindihan ang tingin nila nang ako'y pasidahan na tila naghahanap ng tama sa sinabi ko.
Oh, God. I think I'm going to throw up. I always have a bad feeling every damn time people fall silent after I say something. Para bang mahirap dugtungan ang sinasabi ko dahil... kakaiba at wala dito, wala roon. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at desperada nang makawala.
"E-excuse me..." I said.
Hinayaan na nila akong lagpasan sila at dumiretso sa hagdanan. My foot swallowed three steps when another voice chased after me.
"Miss Deirdre!" Nasa gilid ko na ang anak ni Inay Hirelda bago pa ako makalingon.
"Oh, Fatima! Pupuntahan na sana kita. Dala mo ba ? Nag-text na ba si Sydney?"
Nanlamig ang mga kamay ko habang inaabot niya sa akin ang tinagong cellphone. I've been barred from bringing my phone during occasions kaya nanatili ito sa kuwarto at pinapuslit ko lang sa kanya.
"Opo, pero hindi ko binasa ang text niya," anito at hindi rin mapakali.
"Oh, thank you."I sighed, relieved while reading my best friend's message. Nakikita na raw nito ang gate ng bahay namin. Ganoon na siya kalapit! And this text was sent ten minutes ago!
"Aakyat na po kayo? 'Di po ba... pinayagan po kayo? Si sir Quentin?"
I expelled another quick breath and smiled at her. Binalikan ko ang pagtitipa ng reply habang nasa isip kung gaano kaalam ng mga naninirahan sa mansiyon ang mga nangyayari sa akin. I am somehow blessed in this part of my life where there are still a few people good enough, and perceptive enough to radiate their empathy.
"Nagkausap na kami. Mom saw us interact with each other. Ayos na siguro iyon." I shrugged.
"Kumain na po kayo?" agap nito. Pakiramdam ito talaga ang gusto niyang itanong kanina pa.
Tahimik ako at namilog ang mga mata. Hindi sigurado paano sasagutin iyan.
Her eyes seem excited when she held my hand and pulled me a step back down the stairs. "May hinanda si Inay para sa' yo sa kusinita. Tara po!"
I remember how I told the two grown women seconds ago on how I look fat myself. Pero tumunog ang tiyan ko at kanina pa naghihilab kaya nagpatianod ang balingkinitan kong katawan.
I only ate a few but in large doses. Nagawa ko namang ubusin ang hinanda ngunit dahil sa pagmamadali ay hindi na ako nagtagal sa baba. When I exit the mini kitchen, I made sure that not everyone would notice me.
Sa anino ng mga haligi sa gilid ako nagtatago. Bawat apak, tawid at hinto, sumisilip ako sa mga sasayawan sa gitna. Nahagip ko si mommy na may kausap na bigating tao at nakikipagtawanan pa rito. I also looked for Quentin with guilt in my heart, dahil wala akong plano na bumalik sa entablado.
"Sabihin mo na lang kay Mommy na matutulog na ako," bilin ko kay Fatima sa likod.
Hindi ito umimik. Nang lingunin, tahimik itong nakatingin sa akin na tila umaasang may dapat akong aminin. I could spell out the fear in her chinky eyes.
"Paano kung malaman ito ng mommy mo, Miss Deirdre?"
"Sshh..." I pressed a finger in my lips. "Kaya nga wala akong sasabihin sa inyo para hindi na kayo madamay."
"Kinakabahan po ako sa 'yo..."
"Don't be. Birthday ko naman, e." I winked.
She pouted. "Basta po mag-ingat kayo. Ako na po bahala sa mga nagbabantay na guards sa gate para makapasok ang kaibigan niyo."
I thanked her at tinakasan na ang masikip na sayawan ng mga kabataan sa gilid. I don't know them , probably one of my parent' s friend's children.
Pagbukas ko pa lang sa pinto ng aking kwarto ay binaba ko na ang zipper ko sa likod. I shred the gown off my slender frame in seconds, leaving the rose gold beauty screaming disaster on the floor. I stepped out of the circular pile and went to my walk-in closet.
I pulled the black sheer top from the hanger. May itim na bralette na akong suot kaya dinulas ko na iyon sa katawan ko. Beside the hanged dressses were my bottom wears. I spotted my favorite highwaist leather shorts and boots dahil sabi ni Sydney, party din iyong pupuntahan namin. A REAL birthday bash without any other business agendas. Isang totoong party na angkop sa okasyon.
Tinanggal ko ang mga clips sa aking ulo at mas nilugay ang maalon kong buhok. Bumagsak hanggang baywang ang kakapalan nitong sa kulay kastanyo. I extracted the false lashes in my eyes because I hate it. I have natural long lashes so I don't understand the need to put a fake one.
I retrieved my phone in the bed and read Sydney's message. Lumapit ako sa bintana at inangat ang salaming takip. I found her bossing a shiny red top-down car below. Tatlong beses siyang bumusina at tamad na kinaway ang kamay sa akin.
I sweep my eyes around my empty, lonely room. This is my first time to do something like this but I don' t think my mother or my father would know that I'm out. They won't look for me, I'm sure. Tutal, wala naman akong bisita sa baba at nakita na rin nila ang nais nilang makita na pakihalubilo ko sa batang Silvestre.
I stepped one foot over to the other side of the window. Followed by the next until I was on the edge of the gutter. Halos matigil ang hininga ko nang makita kung gaano kataas ang tatalunin ko!
"Do it, bitch! Hurry up!"
Dinungaw ko si Sydney na parang walang pake na tumatawa. Her laughter echoed loudly I feared for our lives now once na may makaalam na nandito siya!
Dahil walang mangyayari kung wala akong gagawin, tinapangan ko ang sarili at lakas na loob na tumalon. Dinig ko ang tili ng aking kaibigan at palakpak na parang bungee jumping itong ginagawa ko!
"Happy fucking birthday! Whoo!" she cheered LOUDLY. This girl is such a trouble maker!
I landed on a soft lawn. Buti na lang at hindi mabato ang parteng ito ng mansyon. Pinagpag ko ang dumidkkit na damo sa aking tuhod at inayos ang aking buhok saka nilapitan ang tumatagnting niyang sasakyan.
"Huwag ka ngang maingay! Maririnig ka nila!" sita ko habang papalapit.
I craned my neck on the entrance of the foyer's mansion. They didn't seem to notice this part here thankfully because we're on the darker side of the fountain circle.
"Oh lala! You' re looking gorgeous, baby! Hop in!"
I don't need to open the short door and I hopped in rightaway. Umugong ang makina ng sasakyan nang pinaharurot na ni Sydney palayo sa kapormalan.
"Ganda mo, a? Should I question my sexuality?"
Ngumuso ako at sinabit ang tikwas ng buhok sa likod ng tenga. "'Di naman."
"Tss, there you go again, Deirdre. Ano na naman ang sinabi ng mommy mo? Na pangit ka? Why do you believe in such words from a narccissistic whore, hunny? Gum?" She said unapologetically. Inilingan ko ang inalok na gum sa akin.
For years, I have forbidden myself to speak ill against anyone who has done me good. So many good things. My mother is one. It's not only due to the debt of gratitude from what she has provided for me. Kahit nasasakal na ako minsan, iniintindi ko na lang. Gusto ko maging positibo na may dahilan ang mga ginagawa niya sa akin. Kahit ang mga mali, may dahilan. But let me ask, could all the wrong things that is happening, intentional or not, has its reasons? As in all of them? But the bigger question is, what is their purpose?
Kahit na marami na tayong alam na tama, may nangyayari pa ring mali upang ipaalala sa atin kung ano ang tama. I didn' t get to understand this before.
After those thoughts, I have only realized Sydney's silence. Noong una ay inakala kong hinintay nito ang sagot ko. But she is not the type to wait that long. Kung matatagalan ang sagot, susundan niya ng tanong hanggang sa magsalita ako.
Her eyes were fixed on the road, in deep thoughts herself. Hindi ako sanay na ganito. She's always the wild one while I was the sheep.
"May ka-birthday ba ako sa pupuntahan nating party?" giba ko sa pananahimik.
She turned to me. Nang ngumisi ay nahagip ko ang lumagpas na pulang lipstick sa kanyang labi.
"Oh yes!" she chuckled, a seductive tone in her voice that can always draw the good and the bad guys in. She reminds of this girl villains in chic flicks I've watched; Mistresses, or the naughty crazy ex girlfriend ng mga bidang lalake at karibal ng bidang babae.
Actually, pumayag lang naman talaga ako rito dahil hindi ko siya inimbita sa party ko. I mean, I invited her. But my mother's guest list was full so mine fell void. I tried to force this one request but I didn't succeed.
"Birthday ko naman, mommy. And I only have one friend to come over my birthday party!" I tried to sound as mild as possible.
"I am the source of the expenses for your birthday party, " she bragged.
"E hindi na lang ako magde-debut. If I can't even invite a friend in any way, then nevermind. Kakain na lang kami sa labas—"
Tumayo siya sa inuupuang swivel chair. Sa panunutok niya sa akin ay tila may harang sa bibig kong pumipigil sa aking hinaing. "No! Your party should happen, Deirdre. Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng mga tao tungkol sa akin? That I did not spend a cent for you with all the money we have? And with a lot more to earn? Titipirin kita sa debut mo, ganoon?"
Pinandilatan niya ako bago muling umupo. A wine glass on the table, she snatched it in her manicured hand and took a nervous sip.
"But just one friend..." nabibigong bulong ko noon, halos hindi na marinig at ewan ko kung narinig nga ba o nagbingibingihan lang dahil kailanman, hindi niya tinupuad ang simple kong kahilingan.
"We're here!"
Wala pa sa listahan ng nakaraan ko ang subdivision na tinatahak ng sasakyan. Even the aggressive rush of the night breeze is unfamilar and sometimes, I treasure the beauty of not understanding why. Basta ba't nararamdaman ko lang ang hampas ng hangin, amoy ng dagat at sampal ng alon sa malalaking bato. When I turned my head to the right, I saw a flash of light coming from a tall tower. A Lighthouse?
Flickering lights appeared from the distance. Nang mapalapit kami ay nakikitang puno ang bawat gilid ng daan kaya malayo ang pinagparkingan namin ni Sydney. Even with the cold, she still left her leather jacket in the car revealing her slender shoulders beneath her maroon satin slip dress. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at excited na tinakbo ang nagaganap na party at tumitili pa.
Splashes in the pool. Boisterous laughters from the boys. Giggles and shrieks from the girls. Clinks of glasses and singing... ilan lamang ito sa bumungad sa amin. Akala ko sa isang bahay ang okasyon ngunit ani Sydney, this is the clubhouse facility of the subdivion.
And well... she's right. Kakaibang party nga ito para sa akin. More people, wild people! Than the parties I had usually attended.
Before I could ask another question, she pulled me down the stone stairs and started introducing me to her 'influential' friends.
"Iyong best friend ko na matagal ko nang tinutukoy sa' yo. Si Deirdre! Ang ganda 'di ba?" She gushed.
Nahihiya akong ngumiti sa mga lalake sa harap. She always does that, compliment me no matter what because she knew my story better than most.
Ilang mga kaibigan pa ang pinakilala niya sa akin, while I mostly marveled at the lights on the Carribean colored infinity pool and the people having fun on it. Kahit saan niya ako dinadala, pakilala doon, sandaling usap at sa ibang sulok naman at nang mapanatag kami sa beach bar, my eyes started to swallow on every variety of liquiors.
"Ano 'to?" An innocent question when he handed a tiny glass with salt crystals lining the brim and a slice of lemon in her other hand.
"Tequila!" she giggled.
I eyed her suspiciously. She appeared more excited than me offering this temptation. I never really understand how we became friends.
"Nakakalasing ba?" Alinlangan kong tinanggap ang mga ito nang magtanong.
"Kaya nga tayo nandito 'di ba? We're here to get you drunk, Deirdre! Happy Birthday!"
Ang una kong naalala ay marami kaming nag-angat ng shots upang itama sa isa't isa at sabay naming ininom. At first, I observed the way they drink it. Nang makampanteng alam ko na ay ginaya ko ang ginawa nila. They laughed at my reaction as the liquid descended to my throat like razor blades.
"Sipsipin ang lemon!" Sydney cheered flirtatiously like it should have a double meaning.
They laughed some more. I drank more. One drink after the other until seven more shots of different liquiors led to another...
I cannot almost make out the images in front of me. Puro ilaw na lang ang napagpalagay ng mga mata ko. Despite the light feeling in my head, it pulsed a heavy beat coming from the deafening speakers somewhere like it meant to literally beat a bomb in my chest.
My limbs felt frail, halos hindi ko maiangat para sana kalabitin sinuman ang malapit sa akin para itanong kung saan ang cr. Ayaw kong tumayo dahil nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko, pero kung yuyuko naman ako at matutulog ay lalo akong nahihilo at naduduwal.
"Syd..." I croaked, my throat hurts like I've just swallowed a blade.
Basa rin ang mga braso ko. I realized that I fell asleep with my head on my arms in the table. Hindi nakayanan ang hilo kanina.
May narinig akong pag-apak sa viewing deck at kakatapos na tawagan. It's one of the guys Sydney had introduced to me. He looked surprised to finally see me awake.
"Si Sydney?"
He pointed his thumb over his shoulders. "Naligo sa pool, kasama tropa nina Joseph. Okay ka na?" lumapit siya s atable na tinulugan ko ang nagsalin nag tubig sa red cup. "Water."
I stared at it, unsure if I needed to rehydrate. Pero nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko at mapait ang aking dila kaya sa huli' y tinanggap ko ang tubig at ininom.
"Cr?" I asked when I'm done.
"Hm! Sa likod lang ng function room. Kaso aakyatin pa, mahihirapan ka pa yata. Samahan kita—"
Umiling ako at sumenyas. "Okay lang. I can manage..."
Kahit sa totoo lang, alam kong mahihirapan ako. Because as soon as I assured him and myself, umigting ang tibok ng pulso sa ulo ko.
But just like jumping from my bedroom's room window down, nilakasan ko ang loob at pinilit na tumayo. Hindi ako nagpatulong kahit inalukan at tumulak na paakyat sa mga batong hagdan.
Medyo may kadiliman sa parteng 'to. Siguro dahil walang gumagamit ngayon sa function room. As what I caught from a conversation a while ago, ang mga nagmamay-ari ng bahay lang sa lote ang may karapatan na umarkila, or at least, may kakilala ka o may balak na bumili ng bahay. The birthday celebrant was an outsider and could only use the clubhouse.
Huminto ako dahil sa nararamdaman na pag-alon ng aking ulo. I grasped on the railings and closed my eyes for a while, pinalipas saglit ang hilo.
Sinubukan kong tumingala at dumilat. I see nothing but darkness in the sky, and a pinkish clouds. Siguro uulan mamaya.
But I realize, one thing is sure for tonight. I'd be using the night's pity as an excuse for my insecurities to crouch beneathe the dark where no light could shine brighter than the sharp sensation of my vulnerability.
I dropped my head and watch my boots heavily swallowed a concrete step. Isa, dalawang tatlo pang hakbang bago natapos.
Dinaanan ko ang function room. Madilim nga. Through the single glass door, the darkness inside is extremely evident so I could tell that nothing is going on. Pero sa halinghing na naririnig ko ay naging sanhi ng aking pagdadalawang isip.
"Ah!"
My eyes widened by the way that moan sounded. The music of pleasure and utmost need. Nanindig ang balahibo ko habang nanatili ang tingin sa salaming pinto, inaaninag ang tao. It sounded like Sydney when I heard her... well, nevermind. Pero kung siya man ang nasa loob, gusto ko siyang pigilan!
Because not in a place like this where getting caught is a very fat chance!
Nagmamadali akong lumapit sa pinto, handa nang buksan iyon at sigawan ang kaibigan. The music from the clubhouse was loud enough for them to ignore the noise of me trying to open the door. O siguro, binging bingi na sila sa tawag ng laman!
I attempted one more forceful push of the door when I got stopped by another moan. Longer this time. Matalim akong tumitig sa loob. My weak body from the alcohol couldn't force a way so I can just stare sharply at them. Pero sa tagal ng paninitig ko ay unti unti akong nahihila sa nangyayari. Tila isang hipnotismo...
The woman was leaning submissively on the white wall. One long leg of hers was hooked on the man's waist whose dark jeans hung low on his hips. Even in the dark, I can see how it gyrated slowly, and fluidly like a tease to the woman's desire to want more 'til she's filled to the brim and can sleep soundly.
Kahit saan dumadapo ang mga kamay nito sa likod ng lalake na nag-iigtingan ang ugat sa bawat usbong ng baywang. Until one hand of the woman dropped to his buttocks, squeezed it and pulled it towards herself deeply! A louder moan echoed inside the room and I have never felt this ashame before!
The man groaned. A topless body artistically made of abundant raw muscles filled with fluid waves, blatant veins and power. An arm rested on the wall behind the woman as if to jail her. Hindi ko naman mahanap ang isang kamay, natatakpan ng anino at dilim pero tiyak kong nasa harap iyon ng babae at nasa ibaba. I saw it moved! I don't know what he's doing to her with the kind of movement that made her pleasured sounds competed against the music below but I'm sure it is responsible for something.
Tumingala ang babae. Her girlish chuckles were befriended by her moans. The man's head crouched until I realized that he is kissing her neck. The movement in his hand below continued even the teasing thrusts and I don't understand why I couldn't tear myself away from the scene playing in front of me.
Hanggang sa paakyat na nang paakyat ang halinghing ng babae. Their movements went fast like a rudimentary chase is a new trigger for reaching the peak and they would bleed for it!
Natutop ko ang aking bibig. Dahil sa pinakamaling pagkakataon ay naramdaman ko ang umaakyat sa aking lalamunan! Bago pa ako makatakbo sa likod kung nasaan ang banyo ay ang kumakapit kong kamay sa handle ng pinto ay natulak ko. The door opened forcefully. It was too late to catch myself when my knees fell on the floor inside. Hard. And I gagged.
The woman squealed for the sound of my vomiting. The sound of my vomitus scattering on the floor. By the pungent smell of the whiskey I injested a while ago, dumami pa ang lumabas sa bibig ko.
"Oh my God!"
"Fuck!"
Kahit naluluha ay malinaw sa akin ang pagkakabuwag ng dalawa, like the two of them caught fire from each other. Alam kong wala na akong takas, at sa labis na panghihina ay bumagsak ako sa gilid, hinihingal.
" She's not familiar to me. So I'm sure nag-gate crash lang iyan," dinig kong sinabi ng babae.
I sighed in relief. Walang kaso sa akin na nahuli nila ako. I'm comforted to know that the woman is not my friend.
I heard steps... low sounding, slow and cautious steps nearing my way. Mas nadidinig lalo't malapit lang sa sahig ang tenga ko. I couldn't tame to calm the wild beating of my heart like it's going to lose its grip in my chest. Pakiramdam ko ay nasa gilid ko na sila at hindi ko alam anong mangyayari sa akin.
Ang sumilip na ilaw mula sa labas ay tinabunan ng bultong nakatayo sa gilid ko, sa tapat ng kaliwa kong tenga. Itutuon ko na sana ang paningin ko sa kung sino man iyon nang bigla siyang tumalungko.
I can feel the magnetic pair of eyes bore into me. It's the man, and God forbid but I can still remember how he moved sensually against the woman! Kung paano tinulak ang likod niya para sa kaligayahan ng babae. Sa lahat ay bakit iyon pa ang naalala ko? Had I only seen his face, I could have felt better for not sounding like a true blue maniac!
"Sino ba iyan? Is she a friend of Stanley?" inip na sabi ng babae.
Tumapat ang mukha ng lalake sa akin. Like how the moon levelled to the sun to create an eclipse. Pero madilim kaya hindi pa rin malinaw ang mukha niya. Though his hot breath that fanned my face, smelt of liquior and the woman's cheap perfume, assaulted my senses when he spoke in his brutal and lazy rasp.
"Uminom ka pero hindi mo naman pala kaya. Tsk."
Kumurap, sinubukan siyang aninagin pero hindi talaga. Pero ang lapit sa akin ng mukha niya, parang kinikilatis din ako.
"Kaya ko..." I croaked weakly. Tumikhim ako at ramdam agad ang pananakit ng lalamunan.
"Kaya mo? Sige, tayo ka nga," maangas nitong paghahamon.
Ngumuso ako. Pipikit na sana ako at balak na humiga rito pero ang amoy ng kalat ko sa gilid ay hindi ko masikmura. I heard the man smirk.
"Tss...I'm sure kilala ka niyan. Nagpapanggap na lasing pata siguro mapalapit sa' yo..." ang babae na naman sa gilid.
"Ilang taon ka na? Are you legal enough to drink?" The guy asked.
Nakatitig pa rin ako sa kanya kahit itim lang ang aking naaninag. And I don't trust my drunk eyes. But the faint light from the outside offered some of his features and angled silhouette . And I don't know if I'm just too drunk or what but I think he's got the sexiest face I've ever seen. And the warmest breath.
O dahil lang ba ito sa nasaksihan kong ginawa niya?
"Ilang taon ka na, Miss?" he repeated, his fingers nudged my arm lightly. Akala siguro tulog na ako.
" Eighteen... ngayon." I giggled. " Birthday ko pala..."
"She's joking, right? Check mo nga ID."
The guy' s head lifted, siguro binalingan ang kanina pang sumasabat na babae. She has the right because maybe, she is the girlfriend pero ang ingay niya!
The unfamiliar guy sighed. Umabot hanggang sa mukha, balikat at braso ko ang hininga niya. I have never been affected this way by a someone given that I haven't even seen his face that clearly. How could I adore a mere silhouette? A drunken fantasy, Deirdre?
Gumalaw siya sa gilid ko, and before I could know it, strong arms reached around my back and under my knees, lifting me without effort as if I weigh lighter than a feather. I instantly felt his muscles tensed under my weight, Doon ko lang din nalaman na may pang itaas na siya at may partikular siyang amoy na lalakeng lalake. I don't think I'd be able to forget his scent when it has already marked me to the bones.
"S-saan ka pupunta? Aalis na tayo? Bakit kasama pa iyan? Hindi natin siya kilala!" I could feel the woman's panic. Nasa sulok siya at lumapit na parang takot maiwan.
The man adjusted me in his arms. Kumapit ako sa kanyang leeg para hindi siya mahirapan.
"Clean her mess," he ordered.
"Ayoko nga. Ew!"
"Fine. Hindi ako babalik. Mamili ka. Linis, balik. O hindi ka maglilinis, walang babalik."
Hindi ko mapigilang mapabungisngis. God, I must be drunk. Tinago ko ang mukha ko sa dibidb ng lalake at doon humagikhik. His hand felt so hard when it tightened its grip on my knee.
"What if babalik ka pero hindi pala ako naglinis?" mapaglarong tuya ng babae.
"Then I'm breaking up with you."
Natigilan ako. Mas lalo naman siguro ang girlfriend niya. He said it so casually like it will never hurt a girl's heart!
" For that girl?" the future ex-girlfriend exclaimed.
" Listen, Shelly. Hindi natin lugar 'to. Nakikigamit lang tayo kaya linisin mo."
"Bakit ako lang? Ikaw?"
"Ilalabas ko 'tong babae." Sabay adjust niya muli sa akin. "If you want me to clean the room, then here, ikaw bumuhat sa kanya."
Malabo na sa isip ko ang mga sumunod na nangyari. My words are slurred , I think, when I told him that I want to be in the comfort room. Doon, sinubukan kong ilabas ang natira sa aking kalamnan. I forced gagged my throat but nothing came so I just peed instead and washed my hands.
Paglabas ng banyo ay medyo nahimasmasan na ako. I'm a bit thirsty, though. Tinahak ko muli ang parehong daan ng function room at bumalik na naman sa akin ang nangyari. But my brows fused when I saw that my mess was still there, and a mop was lying beside it, parang hindi tinapos.
I heard a commotion below. Akala ko ay nagkakasiyahan lang hanggang sa natanaw ko ang nagkikidlapang asul at pulang ilaw mula sa sasakyan ng mga pulis. Lumapit ako at bababa pa sana ng hagdan upang tunghayan ang pangyayari. But a hand covering my mouth made me scream. Ginamit ko ang aking siko upang saktan ang dumakip sa akin pero bago pa siya tamaan ay pinigil na ng pagpulupot ng braso niya sa aking baywang, iniipiit ang aking braso. He forcefully pulled me with him, to bring me somewhere dark I'm sure.
This has the strength of a man. Magpumiglas man, bigo ako sa huli. I forced myself out of his grip dahil doon sa function room ko sana gustong magtago. One tight grip and he set me free.
Mabilis akong lumapit sa function room. I was almost there when I heard steps coming up and spotted the looming heads of the policemen. Natigilan ako. I stood paralyzed. Papalapit na sila at halos mahihimatay na ako hanggang sa nanumbalik ang mga braso sa aking baywang at doon, hindi na ako nanlaban.
"Ang tigas kasi ng ulo! E 'di muntikan ka nang mahuli?" sermon agad sa akin ng lalake nang nagtagumapay kaming makapagtago sa sulok.
We are in between two walls giving only a narrow space enough to squeeze the both of us in. Kaya bawat hingal, ramdam namin sa isa't isa. And in just our tiny movements, our sweaty skins touch.
"Ano ba ang nangyayari? Ba't may mga pulis?"
"Hindi ko alam..." he whispered.
Tahimik kami, pinakiramdaman ang paligid. We heard the voices from the men and searches they have made. Wala akong maintindihan maliban sa kagustuhan kong makatakas at hindi mahuli.
"Iyong girlfriend mo pala... nasaan? Hindi mo binaikan?" I innocentky asked.
"Sshh..." malamyos nitong pigil.
I stared at him standing infront of me, leaning against the wall and his head was tilted back. Dahil madilim din sa parteng ito, mahirap pa rin aninagin ang kanyang anyo. But I can tell that his eyes are closed, tulog yata.
We heard steps. Cautious steps as if they're expecting any danger from now so they held their guns, ready to fire. Paglingon ko, kumilos din ang lalake sa harap ko. Lumapit siya sa akin, My eyes widened not for fear but I was surprsied by the close proximity he set between us.
"Huwag ka ngang gumalaw. Mga pulis iyan, mahahalata ka isang kaunting galaw mo lang," mariin nitong bulong.
He lifted his hand and placed it on the wall behind me, na tila itatago niya ako sa braso niya. And that's when I noticed something in his lifted arm... a tattoo...
"Sshh..." he hushed.
My eyes rounded as his breath teased a spot in my hair it tickled. Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na ang labi niya roon... sa buhok ko, humahalik... Sa sobrang dikit namin ay pati dibdib niya ay nararamdaman ko ang pag-aakyat baba. He may seem calm but his heartbeat, too, I could sense it, was fast and wild like mine.
Pareho naming pinanood ang pagdaan ng mga pulis sa harap namin. Their moves are slow and cautious, raising their guns. Muntik na akong suminghap at napakapit sa shirt ng lalake dahil sa paglingon dito ng isa. Nilapit ng lalake ang braso niya, niyakap ang kamay sa likod ng ulo ko upang matakpan ang aking mukha pero sapat pa rin na makikita ko ang ganap sa labas.
"Deirdre..." I whispered against his tattoo...
"Anong Deidre...?" I could see his scowl at the back of my mind.
"Ang pangalan ko. Ikaw?"
I could tell the twist of his mouth when he smirked on my temple's skin.
Naramdaman ko ang pagbaba ng labi niya dahil sa mainit na hininga na bumubuga sa aking tenga. This breath alone has vibrated to my core, snaking its way into every cracks and crevices of my already fragile mind and body entirely.
"Pangalan ko ba talaga ang hinihingi mo, o ang apelido ko?"
Our laughters that night echoed in my memory, wrapping the resonaton of it to the present.
"Miss Deirdre..."
Dumilat ako sa paghinto ng limousine. The big bow of flower in its hood announces the arrival of the most important woman. Holding on to this day is the start as much as it is the end. Sabi nila ay pauulanan ng grasya ang okasyon kapag umuulan sa araw na iyon. Kaya sa aking pagbaba, tiningala ko ang namumuong kulimlim sa kalangitan, kaunting sinag ang sumilip sapat upang bulagin ako at tinamaan ang gintong bagay sa aking leeg.
I stared down at the gold necklace in my hand. The long hand scribble of his last name sparked as the tiny glimpse of the sun kissed every gold stones and diamonds emebedded on it.
"I'm giving you my last name..." Ang huling bulong niya sa akin bago ang araw na iyon. To forget about it for me is to die with his promises.
Napapikit ako sa biglang ihip ng hangin na siyang inuugoy ako. Binalot ako ng lamig at kaunting ngiti. The sound of the wind feels like his lullaby, singing that I will be okay without him. The way it made me move feels like his strong arms embracing my whole body.
For months, I had forgetten the sense of perfection as I had always been content with him. Siya ang klase ng sugat na gusto kong manatiling nakaguhit sa akin. As I let myself open to be wounded by him. He'd be the only wound that I'd choose to remain as the only scar in my skin. In my heart and in my soul and even in the next of my lifetimes.
Unti unting nagbukas ang higanteng pinto ng simbahan kasabay ang pagsisimula ng instrumental na tugtugin. I took a deep breath and held the bouquet of pink roses tighter. Like holding on to the very last of a fading blood.
Because I knew that after this, I will subside into a life living along with the ghost of him. The wounds of my memories... bleeding with only the ghost of him...