OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

TWENTY THREE

For sure, it wasn't because I was easily forgiving. Sa puntong iyon ay alam ko na rin talaga sa sarili ko na wala siyang dapat na ihingi ng tawad. It wasn't a crime nor a mistake to keep a lid on some pieces of himself and upon realizing that, I know that I've just been put right on my place.

Guilt turned savage as it hit me with a vengeance, lalung-lalo na noong matanggap ko ang pinangungulilahan na tawag bago pa man magtapos ang gabi.

I barely caught my voice from the painful relief brought by my bestfriend's call. Nasa bingit na akong usisain ang kinaroroonan niya, but what's the point? Kung intensiyon man niya ang ipaalam ito sa tawag ay hindi na siguro ako hihintayin pa nito na itanong ang tungkol doon. Certainly, she didn't call to bore herself listening to the same old question. So what I did, I just told her everything. Kabilang na ang maling paratang ko kay Angelov.

"No, D... No, I swear," she sounded so exhausted and sad for me.

If there was ever a more intense word than shame, that would have likely been the most impeccable portrayal of how I felt when she confirmed it to me. And even after all of what has been revealed, I should have been more relieved. Pero sa ilang sandali niyang pananahimik, naging aligaga pa ako mula sa samo't-saring hindi mapangalanan na mga dahilan.

"I'm scared for you, Syd. Hindi ko alam anong nangyayari, but just know that I am here. Whatever happens, call me. I'm serious, Sydney."

Buong akala ko ay huhupa na ang hapdi ng mga segundo sa pagsang-ayon niya at pangako. Until a sharp intake of breath fazed the air and a shifting noise erupted. Nahihinuha ko ang matinding pagmamadali sa kabilang linya at maamong langitngit ng pinto.

"Tatawag ulit ako. I promise, D."

"Who's with you—"

The call was dropped, and even when it wasn't, I still wouldn't get an answer. She's nowhere desperate to let on.

At least she called, right? Tiniyak naman niya sa akin na maayos siya at pinaniniwalaan ko iyon. Sa katunayan ay mas karumaldumal pa nga rito ang inasahan ko at hindi maipaliwanag ang pagkakabunot ng tinik nang makarinig muli ako sa kanya. She spoke in her usually loud carefree voice, yet, the instructions she left me with were quite alarming.

"Just don't let this reach to Mom and Dad. And never contact the police! Please, D, kahit ito lang. I swear I'm okay. Pero kahit ito lang, pagbigyan mo ako..."

She also asked me not to mention this to Arci, her ex-girlfriend, dahil matagal na pala silang wala. I didn't even get to meet the person to ask her personally. Mabuti na rin iyon at baka mabulilyaso pa ang kung ano man ang pinaplano ni Sydney. I could be wrong but I got a strong feeling that she is up to something.

But someone is with her. Whoever it is, I can only hope and pray that it is treating her kind.

Maliban doon, isa rin sa pinagisip ako buong gabi ay ang pagharap kay Angelov. I did it before with the bravado born out of unsound assumption. This time, it will be with my subdued pride. As someone who has seen my strengths when I was too insecure to see past myself, in some ways, it was already him believing in me. Pero ako, kaunting tiwala, binigo ko siya. How dare I claim to love such a man when I have even denied him half of my trust? And for that, this has only dimished me into someone unworthy of his praises.

Paano kaya ako babawi? How can I face him when just yesterday, I left him unassured by the gates and still, he waited for me to get inside the security of this house before he left for home.

Tinutulak ako ng kahihiyan na magkulong sa kuwarto samantalang nasisilayan pa rin naman siya. Sa likod ng manipis na kurtina, dinudungaw ko ang pagbagal ng pick-up sa tuwing tumatapat sa bahay. Sa hapon naman na kanyang uwian, tanaw ko ang ganoong pagbagal mula sa inuupuan na couch sa salas. It went for a good four days. Sa loob pa ng mga araw na iyon, may mga gabi na bumibisita siya sa bahay.