Wonwoo stared at the notebook in his hands, the ruby red cover had been worn down at the edges where it had rubbed against the clutter in Mingyu's backpack. He ran his hand across it and let the smooth surface make his heart flutter. He knew for certain this was going to be an emotional roller coaster but wasn't sure whether he was ready to experience the insane highs only to be dropped at a ridiculous speed from a million feet in the air.
He took a breath and opened it. The bottom of the pages were stained brown from when Wonwoo spilt his hot chocolate on their bedside table, he remembers that the notebook was the first thing that Mingyu saved from the spillage.
Mingyu's handwriting was as messy as it had always been, the smudged ink and wobbly letters reminded Wonwoo of the note with his number on that Mingyu slipped in his wallet when they met for the second time . He was somewhat glad Soonyoung stole his phone to text him without permission at the time but was regretting it more than ever now.
The first page was written on Mingyu's lap on the sofa in his apartment. It was barely legible but Wonwoo was determined to make sense of it.
'03/05/17
Hello Little Red Notebook. My names Mingyu.
I'm writing this sort-of-diary-sort-of-love-story to prove to the person that I adore that not being normal is so much better than fitting in. He believes that being the odd one out is something to be ashamed of but that's not true. Being different makes you interesting and intriguing like a book with infinite pages, a neverending story, and if I could I would spend forever getting lost in his pages learning every little thing about him. But for now I will write this; our own neverending love story.
One Monday afternoon when I was on my way home from work I met someone named Wonwoo. He had dropped his wallet in a puddle so I ran after him to return it and I'm very glad I did because now I am sitting next to him on the sofa in my living room whilst he tries to read what I'm writing over my shoulders.
Everything about Wonwoo makes me happy; his smile, his laugh, his voice and the way he buries his face into my neck when we hug. It's cliché but sometimes the biggest clichés are the most sincere memories.
Wonwoo kissed me today. This wasn't the first time we've kissed, or the second, or the third but everytime we do I can't help but feel as giddy as I did when our lips first met. Being with Wonwoo is most certainly the loveliest thing to ever happen to me. I'm happy and I know I will be in years to come too.'
Wonwoo couldn't help but smile as he read it. It was sweet and wonderful but hurt like hell.
He flipped to another page.
'05/01/18
I took Wonwoo out today, to a theme park. He didn't like the fast roller coasters so I told him that it serves him right for making me feel like I'm on one all the time but I still hand his hand the entire time so he knew he was safe.
One thing that Wonwoo always does when he is scared is he hides his face against my shoulder. I think it's really cute. I'll definitely take him to more theme parks in the future and next time I'll buy him ice cream too.'
Wonwoo remembered that date as if it were yesterday. Mingyu loved the swinging pirate ship and insisted on going on it over and over again, everytime it reached his peak Wonwoo felt like throwing up. He didn't admit it though and hoped Mingyu didn't notice how afraid he was, he supposed that his pale face and the sweat on his forehead gave it away though.
The notebook was starting to remind him of how much he loved Mingyu and as much as he wanted to find out the thoughts and feelings behind him cheating he just couldn't let go of the times that made him happy. He thought it might break his heart all over again. But you know what they say, curiousity kills the cat, or rather in this situation, curiousity breaks the heart.
Wonwoo flipped to the last page that had been written on, it was in the very middle of the notebook. The writing was a lot messier than usual, scribbles and smudges littered the page not to mention a few dried tears that had bled into the ink.
'07/03/18
I've made a huge mistake and I don't know what to do. Wonwoo left my house an hour ago. I feel alone, sort of trapped in solitude and it's entirely my fault.
I can feel the regret and guilt in my stomach like a lump of thick tar that's weighing down my body. It's throbbing inside of me and I wish it would go away. Scratch that, I wish that all of this could go away. If I could go back in time and relive that very moment so I could change how it ended I wouldn't hesitate.
I kissed Josh. It was the most disgusting thing I could've ever done to Wonwoo. Even if he hadn't have seen it, what I did was truly awful.
It had been a week since we had last seen eachother, or maybe more. I missed him more than anything and that was my fault too. Ever since I found Jeonghan in that booth with Seungcheol I had been worrying about how Joshua might react. I let it take over me and cloud my thoughts to the point were I had no room for Wonwoo in my head. So I distanced myself, took time to think- quite possibly the worst mistake of my life. We fell out a few days before and I couldn't sleep after that. I was longing for him so much, just to have him by my side or in my arms so I apologised and invited him over for the weekend. I planned to sort everything out on Friday so I could finally ask him what I've been meaning to ask him for so long now. But of course I ruined it.
I kissed Josh. Excuses aside, that's what happened. Our lips met and I didn't push him away.
He came over late afternoon and stayed to watch a movie. I couldn't tell him about Jeonghan straight away, I was afraid to lose him and procrastinated until late at night. I never knew Wonwoo was coming a day early.
"I need to tell you something, Josh." Was what I said before I sat him down on my bed opposite me. I took him to the bedroom because that's where I kept a box of tissues- I knew he would cry so I wanted to be prepared.
"I know you really like Jeonghan and you're hoping to find something more between you two but..." I couldn't say it. I tried as hard as I could to push the words out of my mouth but no matter how hard I strained they wouldn't leave my throat.
Joshua knew. He nodded and looked at the bedcovers between us with a frown. I couldn't tell whether he was trying to avoid eye contact or hold back tears. Maybe both.
"Jeonghan's dating Seungcheol. I know. I saw them kissing in Jeonghan's car outside SVTea. I didn't want to believe it though." Joshua said. His voice was so quiet and broken I couldn't help but want to cry too.
"But you're not too hurt are you?" I asked. I wanted to protect him. He is one of my best friends afterall.
Joshua looked at me again. His eyes were teary and although he was staring right at me he seemed so distant as if he was a hundred miles away. Then he asked me to kiss him. I said no.
"It doesn't have to mean anything. I'm not doing this to hurt you and Wonwoo. I need to know if this could help me let go."
I shook my head.
"I know you don't feel the same way about me but if you kiss me I can pretend. And who knows, maybe I won't feel that spark that I've read about in books and I can finally forget about it and move on."
I told him no, one more time. "You know I could never do that to Wonwoo."
"Ok." He said and took a shaky breath. I could feel it coming; the breakdown. "I just... wanted to know what it felt like to be loved... I guess. Sorry Gyu."
There it was. That nickname. It totally threw me over the edge. Ages ago, before all this mess when me and Josh were closer than close we had nicknames for eachother that nobody else used. I called him Shu and he called me Gyu. We were practically partners in crime, we spent every hour of every day in eachothers company, singing along to our favourite records, playing stupid kid's games in the park and walking round the town talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I remembered what he had said to me before I saw him up on the roof, "Even though it hurts, even though I feel as if my heart has been torn into two, you'll always be my Gyu."
I grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed our mouths together. We kissed. I kissed him. It was my fault.
But then I tried to pull our lips apart but I couldn't because what if that meant he would leave. What if pushing him away would be what pushed him from the roof of this apartment. I didn't want to see that happen so I did what I always do for all of my friends, I gave up my happiness for them to feel comfortable.
I didn't need to hear the sound of the DVD Wonwoo dropped to know he was behind me, I felt it, the pang in my heart that I got whenever he was around only this time it was painful and urgent... I still didn't pull away, Josh did.
I turned to meet the broken eyes of my boyfriend and thought I could break into tears right there, right then but I didn't because I didn't deserve the pity. Josh left. Wonwoo got angry.
He told me that I was his miracle and I wanted nothing more at that moment to hug him, to hold him tight and never let him go, make sure he knew I was in love with only him. Then he told me that he could never be happy with me again and it ruined me. The truth ripped through my chest like a bullet, the impact was so violent I nearly fell to the ground. He said "Don't call" and at that point I could feel myself bleeding out with the bullet lodged deep inside me.
Wonwoo, if you ever read this, I want you to know that what I did was not to hurt you or me or us. I would never dream of breaking your heart and it tears me apart everyday because I did.
I know you never want to see me again, that's understandable but I will never stop loving you. You dug out a home so deep in my heart that I don't think anything could ever replace you. Your smile, your laugh, your voice and the way you bury your face into my neck when we hug. I will never forget those things nor will I ever stop loving them. You are my happiness Wonwoo, and I gave you up to save a friend, that was so selfish of me.'
A tear fell onto the page and seeped towards the writing. Wonwoo watched it as it bled the ink outwards.
The book was a killer. It had strangled his heart with a merciless hand, drained every sign of happiness from it and wringed out the good feelings into his empty stomach.
____
a/n: do you think Mingyu and Wonwoo should get back together?
do you blame Mingyu for what he did?
is Mingyu in the wrong?
just wanted to see how you guys feel about all of this :)