I don't know.
My fingers dig into my scalp just a little bit as I run my hands through my hair in a desperate attempt to feel something close to good.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. And I don't know who to turn to. No one feels safe anymore. They all just wanna tell me what THEY want for me, instead of what I want for me. None of them want to listen to what I have to say. They don't care what I think or what I want. How can I tell them how I think and feel when I need them if they don't care?
I've spent so much time coming to them when I need them and turning to them for comfort when things got bad and now I find out that none of it actually meant a thing to any of them. Buffy keeps talking like what I say and feel matters, but the only thing that's ever on her mind is how my future's gonna turn out.
She only thinks about whether I'm gonna get into a good school and have a good future. Whether I'll get away from all the demons and vampires and death that come with living this way and have my normal life. She doesn't care about the fact that I don't want a normal life. I don't want to be like everyone else and ignore what's out there every night. She just wants me to get away from it all, whether I want to or not. How can I turn to someone who thinks like that?
And now... Faith thinks like that too. She doesn't care about what I want or feel. It doesn't matter to her that I'd happily give up any chance at a normal life if we could be together for however long we're both alive. Why doesn't she understand that? She's supposed to. She's supposed to be the one that's different. The one that doesn't think like everyone else and supports me in whatever I want to do. But she's not. She's not anything like I thought she was. She's just like all the others. I can't turn to her with my problems if she's just like everyone else... if she doesn't even try to see my point of view.
But if I can't turn to her... who can I turn to?
The ringing of the phone forces out a breath I've been keeping in for the last little while and the sound makes me wanna punch something.
Not again... why can't she just take a hint?
Only about four rings happen before they stop and I know exactly what's happened. I can't hear what's being said, but I can hear Buffy's voice in the other room, talking. It isn't long before I hear a soft knock on my door and I look up to see Buffy opening it and leaning in enough to see me.
"Hey Dawn... do I even have to tell you who's on the phone for you?"
She's called at least once every hour for the past couple hours since I left. Why would I?
"I don't wanna talk to her."
"Yeah, I think I got that the first 30 times you said it. But I really think you should talk to her this time. I actually managed to get her to tell me that she's really, really, really sorry for what she did, whatever it is that she won't tell me about. And that she'd really, really, really, REALLY like to tell you that with her own voice if you'll let her."
I'm not exactly in a sharing and working out my problems kind of mood right now.
"I don't want to talk to her. Just tell her to stop calling already."
Buffy sighs heavily.
"Look, Dawn, I don't really know what went on between the two of you after you went over there to talk to her, and I'm not gonna ask since I already did like 10 times and you refused to talk about it 20 times. But I get the impression that the only way that Candy's gonna stop calling is if you actually talk to her, if only for a moment to let her apologize. So maybe you should get it over with now. That's just my first 70 impressions though."
Why doesn't my sister ever just do what I need her to do and be okay with that? I guess I'll have to do SOMETHING.
"All right..."
Standing up slowly from the edge of my bed, I cross the distance between it and the door where Buffy is standing. My sister smiles a little and hands me the phone.
"You'll feel better, I promise."
Gently and very slowly, I bring the receiver up to my ear. All I can think to say is...
"What?"
"Oh... Dawn... god, thank you I... Dawn I..."
The sound of her voice again has me so angry that I'm gripping the cordless so hard that it hurts and I can't hold anything back.
"STOP CALLING HERE YOU STUPID BITCH!"
Then I turn and throw the phone across the room to the nearest wall as hard as I can. It shatters against the wall into parts. I take a few long breaths and I suddenly feel really good about what I just did.
Maybe now she'll get the message.
That thought makes me smile.
"DAWN!"
The blonde headed slayer I call my sister walks over to where the phone is laid out in pieces on the floor, slowly and carefully picking them up and putting it back together.
"Did you have to try and break the phone to get your point across?"
It made me feel better.
"Yes..."
She almost glares at me for a second before catching herself and going back to what she was doing before.
"Well, I just hope you can keep yourself under control from outbursts like that tomorrow for the funeral."
Whatever...
"I will."
Buffy manages to pick up the pieces, some of them fitting back together no problem, some of them not.
"You better. These girls deserve our respect for giving up their lives in battle the way they did."
"I know."
"And you of all people need to show your respect for what they gave up. You owe them a lot."
For god's sake...
"I KNOW, I said I'd do the right thing and be respectful. Just... get off my back about it already."
There's a long moment of silence where all I can hear in the room is the sound of Buffy clicking the pieces of the cordless phone receiver back together.
"Faith will be there."
Hearing her name makes me clench my fist so hard that it starts to hurt. So I force myself to calm down before saying anything.
"Screw her."
She sighs heavily when she comes up to me.
"And now with two simple words you've managed to show exactly why I'm so worried about you keeping your cool tomorrow."
Her hand touches my shoulder in some pathetic attempt to comfort me.
"Dawn... I know you're going through a lot right now, and saying that it's hard probably doesn't even begin to describe it."
Like she really knows, or cares.
"But this funeral is going to go like it was planned. We're going to have slayers guarding it through the whole ceremony and after, most of the people there will be slayers, and I have Willow casting a protection spell around the families and others there to make sure no one does anything to disrupt the plan."
Buffy squeezes my shoulder ever so gently, probably what she might consider lovingly.
"I hate to tell you this but it's better you know now then finding out later. Some of the girls have orders to keep an eye on you."
Turning to face my sister, I feel like I wanna punch her.
"In case something gives you a reason to start throwing things."
That doesn't make me feel any better about the idea.
"Make sure you pick out something appropriate to wear."
Then she goes and leaves my room. The door shuts behind her and I really wanna throw something at her, but I don't have anything in my hands. So instead I go back over to my bed and sit on the edge of it.
God, this is not what I needed right now.
* * *
I shift uncomfortably in my third row seat at the church, trying to focus on the things the priest is saying up there.
It's not right. It's not fair. Why did this have to happen? How is it even possible? It's not fair. It's just not.
Glancing over quickly, it's just like all the other times.
She hasn't even looked over at me once. She's been sitting across the aisle from me for almost an hour now and she hasn't looked at me once. How can she do that? It's not fair. I've been dying the past week without her and it's killing me to be this close to her, even if it is 20 feet away, and there she is just sitting there listening to the priest like it's the easiest thing in the world for her to do.
The sweat on my hands makes me rub them together a little nervously.
How can it be that easy for her? Isn't it even a little hard? Does she not love me anymore? Is that why she can completely ignore the fact that I'm so close to her and not care? Why doesn't this hurt for her like it does for me? What's wrong with her? Didn't what we have matter as much to her as it did for me?
Part of me just HAS to try and glance over at her again to see if she's looking. When I see that she's not, I feel a hand on my arm that gives it a soft but very firm squeeze. So I look at my sister sitting next to me, who's glaring at me with an annoyed expression. It reminds me a little of the glare Mom gave me when I was younger when I wouldn't sit still.
God... what the hell is wrong with me? I'm at a funeral for god's sake. Some of my closest and best friends died a couple weeks ago and all I can think about is me and my problems? Something must be really wrong with me if I'm letting that happen. They died protecting me from that demon that wanted The Key, even if they didn't know it at the time. We're still not completely sure what the demon wanted The Key for, but considering the last demon to want The Key tried to end the world with it... with me, they probably died saving the world.
They deserve my love and respect for that. Not that I feel like I have much of either these days, but what I do have they deserve, and more. They probably saved my life and the world by doing what they did. There's no way I can thank them enough for that, but I would if I could.
"They are all God's children, and He has guided them to the safety of His Kingdom. Let us try and take some comfort in that benevolence."
I wish I could. I really do. I wish there was some way I could take comfort in the idea that people died because of me. But I can't. Even knowing that they're in a better place where they'll all be happy doesn't make me feel any less guilty. It's my fault, and nothing anyone could say would make me feel differently.
"And now, I believe Ms. Buffy Summers wished to say something."
My sister stands up slowly and more than a few people look at her as Derrick stands up next to her so she can pass. Most of us watch her as she makes her way down the aisle to the podium where the priest is standing to say what she has to say.
"Thank you father..."
The priest steps off to the side while Buffy stands at the podium for a moment, quiet and looking down at the flat podium. Eventually, she looks up at everyone and starts.
"Destiny..."
She pauses for a moment.
"We all have one, each and every one of us. It's what gives our lives meaning. Most of us spend our whole lives searching for what ours is. Wondering what we have to offer this world that no one else does."
Again she pauses for just a moment and glances down at the podium.
"But not these girls, they knew what their destinies were and it made them special. It gave them a kind of spark, a zest for life that most people would never feel if it weren't for the destiny that they shared with the rest of us. I feel honored to have known all of them personally and trained them to be the powerful and skilled slayers that they became."
Buffy takes a deep breath for a second before continuing on.
"Unfortunately, having and knowing you have a destiny often means you meet a tragic end. And though that's true of those we honor today, I know that it was also heroic. They saved many people in their lives and in the end, helped save the world in so many little ways."
Another pause happens and it looks like Buffy's fighting back the urge to cry.
"So while their lives may have been cut short, they were no less meaningful, and no less well lived. If they wanted something, they worked for it and got it. If they needed help, they asked for it. And if they felt something, they expressed it. To me... that's a destiny well deserved. And I can only hope that they feel the same, where they are now."
She shifts uncomfortably for a second at the podium and then looks over at the priest.
"Thank you."
The priest starts coming back to the podium and Buffy steps away, making her way back down the aisle.
"That concludes our service. I hope that you find peace in yourselves when you leave."
We all start to get up and Buffy meets Derrick at our booth when we get up. Derrick moves out into the aisle with Buffy and they hug for a second tightly. Buffy's the first to say anything.
"Thank you for being here Derrick."
They keep the hug going.
"Thank you for wanting me here."
Finally, they break apart and the little bit of a sad smile on Buffy's face makes me wanna punch her so hard it'd knock her out.
But if I did that, I'd get thrown out of the building, even though the service is over. I've kinda had my fill of being thrown out of places.
Instead, I move right up to the end of the aisle behind Derrick.
"Excuse me."
He looks behind him at me and immediately moves out of the way.
"Oh, sorry Dawn, you know..."
I pass him and Buffy by and start making my way down the aisle through the other people who are slowly leaving, just fast enough not to disrupt anyone mourning.
I really don't want to be here right now.
Pushing the doors open, I instantly feel better when the cool air hits my skin. As quickly as I can, I head off to the side of the church where no one will see me and lean up against the side of the wall, taking a long deep breath.
God that was a lot less than easy.
Resting my head back against the wall, I take another deep breath.
I need a smoke.
Slowly, I reach down into my back pocket and pull out the pack of smokes I've been keeping there for a while. Then I take one out and pull my lighter out of my right front pocket so I can light it up. When I do, I take my first drag and it feels SO good.
I needed this so bad.
Without even thinking about it I take another drag.
This is so hard. I already felt bad enough, knowing that I got them killed... that they're dead because of me and what I am. Now I just had to sit through their funerals, with their grieving families all crying and in pain. Not to mention all their friends mourning over them. That didn't make me feel better at all.
I thought funerals were supposed to help you feel better. I thought they were supposed to help you move on and work through the pain and the guilt of still being alive when people you care about have died. But it didn't. They never do... at least not for me anyway. When Mom died, I didn't feel better after the funeral. People said so many nice things about her, but part of me just couldn't get over being angry at her for leaving me. And I was angry at Buffy for acting like she didn't really care.
That's nothing compared to how angry I was at Buffy for jumping off the tower Glory built to save me and the world. I barely even wanted to go to that funeral I was so angry at her for what she did. I knew she did the right thing and eventually I learned to be truly grateful for what she'd done for me and the world, but her funeral didn't do that for me. It didn't make me feel better about what had happened and why it happened the way it did. Tara's and Anya's funeral made me feel about the same way, but for totally different reasons.
Leaning forward and putting one hand on my knee, I close my eyes as my hair falls forward over my face, breathing deeply a bit before taking another inhale of smoke from my cigarette.
Going to this funeral isn't all that better. It doesn't make me feel good to be alive. Or better because I've honored people who did a great thing. I can't seem to feel anything other than horribly guilty and a little bit sick to my stomach. Nothing about this makes me feel good.
"Dawn?"
Oh great, someone to interrupt my trying to be alone.
"What?"
Eventually I look up at them and I know I just made a mistake. Candy's standing a few feet away looking uncomfortable.
"Hey uh... how are you?"
Just having her asking that question makes me wanna clock her in the jaw.
"Look Candy, I really don't feel like talking to you, so just go away."
She doesn't say anything right away and for a second I think she's actually going to go away.
"I... I'm sorry Dawn... for what I did."
Great...
"Good for you, now go away."
Candy takes a step forward while I lean back against the wall again and run a hand through my hair to get it out of my face before taking another drag of my cigarette.
"But, I really am. I didn't mean to do what I did. I just... it just... it was just..."
"Something you did. Just get over it and leave me alone already, unless you want a cigarette thrown in your face."
She looks at me like I'm crazy for a second.
"You wouldn't do that, I know you."
I push myself off the wall of the church and start to leave towards the front of the church. On my way, I flick the smoke stick into her face. Candy struggles, surprised, to get it out of her face before it hits her hair and sets her on fire while I keep going.
"AH, geez, Dawn... what the..."
"Guess you don't know me as well as you think."
Instead of stopping, I just keep going, walking out into the crowd of people outside the church which formed while everyone was leaving the funeral. I don't stop there though, I walk right through the crowd weaving through anyone in my way and walking out onto the street and head down it.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel good at funerals. There's only one person who really ever made me feel good about anything.
Looking back for a second, I see the first woman, or person, I ever really fell in love with standing at the end of the sidewalk alone staring off into nothing, her dark brown hair blowing in the wind a bit. But I don't stop, I just keep going.