I can't remember exactly how far along the pathway Alex took me before cutting into the trees since I've only been here once so I walk slower than I would like as I make my way along.
'ALEX!' I'm shouting his name, praying that he won't run away again. I need answers. I can't go on like this. I feel like everyone else knows what's going on except me. My phone beeps with a text from Amelia: "Hey, no worries about class. We had a sub anyway. Are you alright? Xx" I quickly glance at it and get right back to my search for Alex when my phone rings this time, an incoming call from Amelia.
'Lia, I don't have time to chat, I'm sorry. I'll tell you later - ' she talks over me.
'Sophie told me about earlier. Listen, Liss. Go to him. Talk to him. I should have told you before but we can chat about it later. Please just find him. Sophie told me what Alex was there for, about Tom - I know you don't know about him yet but whatever you do, please be easy on Alex. He's not having a great time.' She hangs up and I'm honestly dumbstruck. What. The. Fuck. Is going on?
'El?' the voice is barely audible, but it's enough for me to follow until I come across the inlet. It's as beautiful as ever and right there, on the same rock we sat on before is Alex. He's looking right at me, his face red and soaked. He curls his lips in to his teeth, fighting back the tears. He's still looking at me as he shakes his head.
'I should have told you.' He blubbers. Any anger I had before has gone. He looks broken. I drop my bag from my shoulders and run to him and throw myself down on the rock next to him wrapping my arms around his body, letting him cry, comforting him as best as I can. When his shoulders finally stop shaking and his cries are nothing more than small sniffs I pull back a little, still not fully letting him go. I keep my voice soft, I need him to know I don't hate him, that yes, he might have hurt me, but I'm here, and I'm ready and willing to forgive, to hear him out. To understand.
'Alex, please talk to me. Who's Tom?' I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his knee, giving both a comforting squeeze. He's breathing heavy and I can tell he's fighting back even more tears. Finally he inhales deeply and I can see he's ready to get everything off his chest.
'Take your time. I'm here - and I will be for as long as you need me.' I give him a smile and he blows his breath out loudly.
'Okay. I should have done this so long ago. God, I watched Amelia suffer and kept telling her to talk to you and yet it's taken me this long to tell just one person. Only my family know this, you know - and Amelia, but then again, I knew about her so it was only fair. Tom...' he pauses, looking down at the ground beneath his feet.
'Tom is amazing. He's my brother.' I didn't even realise Alex had a brother but I say nothing, giving him this time to tell his story. This is his moment, not mine.
'I was so close to him when we were growing up even though he's five years older than me. He was amazing at rugby and even though he'd been offered loads of contracts he refused to leave school early. He wanted to complete his sixth year and get more qualifications. Mum used to bang on about back up plans so he wanted to make her happy and put off his dreams for one more year.' There's a smile in his voice at the memory of his brother. After a brief pause, he continues.
'But he never got to sixth year. After Halloween, the year I was in primary seven, he started getting distance with me. Mum put it down to the fact that he was nearly 17 and I was 12 - he was starting to mature and take school seriously but I was just a kid. Eventually we stopped seeing Tom around the house. He was always out at training but now he was going off to parties and sleeping all day. The school got involved as he was acting up in class and being reckless - he ruined any good reputation he'd had, instead replacing it with a bad one. He was a teenager. Nobody thought much of it, until one day when his exams had finished. He took me round to the field to play some rugby. He used to try and teach me and I remember him saying that he wanted to make sure I still had the skills. He always wanted me to follow in his footsteps and love the sport as much as him. I never had the heart to say I'd rather play football. He was acting weird, in that he was back to his old self for a while. But on the walk home he kept asking me weird questions - things like if I've been doing ok without my big bro by my side. If I wish he had taken contract so he wouldn't be around school when I move up so his reputation couldn't follow me around. I was just a kid - I shrugged him off, telling him I didn't know. I just wanted to know if mum was going to let me have the fancy ice cream for dessert that she'd bought. I wanted to go hang out with my friends and I just wanted to talk to Tom about video games and stuff, not school. Believe it or not, I was terrified about going to the Academy. I knew how big it was from going to see presentations and stuff that Tom was part of. Anyway, we should have seen the signs - I should have seen the signs. He came to me that day for help, all he wanted was one person to tell him they loved him, that they'd miss him. He needed to know he wasn't alone and people do care. But I just brushed him off, talking about fucking ice cream of all things.' He's getting angry at himself now, tears of guilt pouring down his face.
'D'you know, the last thing I said to him was "good riddance!".' He scoffs, 'mum had said we were only having dessert if we sat at the table as a family but Tom wasn't having it. He wasn't hungry and had to go meet some girl to go to yet another party. He and mum fought about it and he made to storm out. I was so upset that he would stop me getting that stupid ice cream so I yelled it at him. I spat the words at him like poison. I really didn't care if he went. The thing is, I got the ice cream anyway - of course I did. I knew mum would let me have some but I still felt the need to scream at my brother, I wanted him to think I hated him and that I didn't care if he left, if he never came back... And that's the thing. He didn't. I mean, he did but he wasn't the brother I used to have and he never will again.' His head hangs low, in guilt and shame. I reach out, rubbing my hand up and down his back, trying to comfort him without words. He lets out a laugh, one of those that you know isn't because they find something funny but rather because they're nervous, scared, sad. He's dealing with such a mix of emotions that all he can do is laugh.
'He went to that party and guzzled down a shitload of pills. We don't even know what they were, or how many. But they knocked him unconscious and some drunken arseholes thought he was asleep because he drank too much and that it would be funny to try and wake him by pouring a beer over his face. But he wasn't asleep. He was barely alive, barely breathing. And then he inhaled the beer and practically drowned, his airway shut and he was deprived of oxygen for so long that it caused permanent brain damage. They're still unsure if he's completely aware of what's going on. There's moments where it seems like he's trying to communicate with us but it's nothing groundbreaking. He can't blink to answer yes or no, he can't control his hands to sign, he's completely non-verbal. We know he can hear us, he can see, he can feel. We just don't know if he knows anything of his life before, if he knows who we are or if to him we're just the people that wipe the drool off his face, clean his feeding tube, change his catheter. Tom wanted to die that night, and some would say he did but I don't believe that. He might not be the person he was before but he's my brother. I love him still, God, I really do. I love him with everything I have and I want nothing more than to make him happy. I live for the moments I crack a joke and I swear I see a glint in his eye. Wether or not professionals can say he's in there I believe he is.'
I can see the relief wash over Alex's face, to finally have told someone must be an incredible feeling. After a while of silence I feel it's time for me to speak.
'Thank you,' I say, 'Thank you for telling me... but why have you hidden him from everyone for so long?' There's no accusation in my voice, just a want to understand that I pray Alex hears. He smiles a little,
'I guess,' he says, 'I just wanted to protect him. It happened during his summer break so we didn't need to tell the Academy about it, just that he had changed his mind and wouldn't be returning and all of his friends just sort of moved on. Most of them weren't sticking in for sixth year and were going off to college and whatnot so there wasn't anybody here to remember what happened and I liked the idea of those who did know my brother to remember him the way he was. Is that bad? It's not that I'm ashamed of him, far from it. I think he's incredible. It's just, I was a kid, and I didn't want to talk about it - I didn't understand - and then when I did, I'd been hiding it for so long that I felt it was weird to come out and say "Oh by the way my brother tried to kill himself and now has an Anoxic Brain Injury but it's cool." So I just didn't. Nobody asks anyway - there was such a big gap between us that nobody in my year really knew about him anyway. The only people who did were the teachers at Sparrowell - they remember Tom the way he was in his last year: rebellious, mischievous, uncaring for his grades - and that's how they assumed I'd be. My first day I got pulled aside by Mr Campbell and told I better not behave like my brother. They'd quite like to forget all about Tom Reynolds' antics. I was so angry - I knew that he didn't know but I couldn't help myself. I knew Tom wasn't that horrible kid they made him out to be, so I resolved to keep his memory alive, I fought to remind the teachers of how clever he was by doing well in class, but also, I wanted to be as much like my brother as I could, and all I could really remember was how he had been so I started acting out too and soon the teachers stopped talking about how bad that Tom Reynolds was but rather how bad Alex is. They said they wished they could have Tom back - how he'd been such a good student but even in his last year he was easier to handle than me. And that's all I wanted, for people to look at Tom positively. That's why I disrupt class, it's why I make my way around all the girls - I don't take advantage of them, I just... I don't know. I spend some time with them but end it before it gets as far as anything serious. Most of the time I don't even kiss them - not unless I really like them.' He admits. My head is reeling.
'So... you do - did - whatever - like me?' I ask tentatively. He giggles and looks me in the eyes, smiling.
'Yes, El, I do. I didn't think I did at first - not that way. But I've noticed how sad and lonely you looked before and this year it was tenfold. I knew Amelia was shutting you out and you had nobody else so, breaking my character,' he raises his eyebrows, wiggling them to signify he's trying to make light of the conversation, 'I decided to sit with you. Something that GASP! Alex Reynolds would never do!' he feigns shock, throwing his hands up to his mouth. I can't help but laugh at him and soon we're both in fits, the high emotion of the conversation finally easing.
'Wait, wait.' I say in between laughter, 'How did you know Amelia was keeping her distance?' This is the real mystery of this whole mess. I compose myself, turning back round to face him.
'And don't lie, I know you knew about Bet, and there's obviously more going on than either of you are letting on.'
'Well, my dad left when Tom and I were young and she was determined to keep Tom at home and for us not to move, so she had to take on a second and then a third part-time job doing call-centre stuff. She got do that from home which was good but she packed it in after about sixth months. She hated it and it wasn't easy to keep an eye on Tom whilst bothering the public. Her original job have been great at giving her flexible hours to work around Tom's appointments and things and they've just approved her for home working so she'll be able to stay in the house with him more. We take him along to the Centre every couple of days for groups. He likes spending time in their sensory room and they've been working on rehabilitation and therapy. They've spent the last five years with him, never giving up hope that he might be able to even just blink a response at us one day, or give us a thumbs up. He has made progress. It's been so small but it's happening. One day I was there for a meeting with Jaynie, a support worker - the girl you saw me with in Shakes - and I saw Amelia. We both clocked each other and then ended up telling each other our stories, both swearing to never tell anyone. I'm so sorry. I tried to tell her to talk to you, and then when I realised I liked you I begged Amelia to let you in on it all, that you'd be able to help us both whilst we could help you but she wouldn't let me and it just became a mess - and then you guys talked and I was sort of forgotten about. I guess I was just upset as I felt like I'd finally found a true friend, one that I could show this place to,' he gestures around him, 'and then you were gone. And then Tom had a seizure last night and is in the hospital and I just couldn't handle it all. So I planned to come here, stopping into the centre on the way to cancel my meeting with Jaynie and then you showed up. I wasn't ready to face you - I thought you were going to go crazy at me but I saw the look in your eyes, you looked so worried about me and I just... that was worse. Amelia called me, she told me you were in the woods looking for me so I called out to you, knowing you'd get lost. And well here we are.' He stops. I just hug him. There are no words... except...
'Wait, Alex... what... what is this place?' I ask him. He takes a deep breath, readying himself.
'Parties aren't what they used to be.' I don't quite understand him until he walks over to a bed of roses I hadn't noticed until now. They don't look natural, like they belong with the rest of the wild flowers. I slowly creep behind him, gaining closer to the flowers. There's a small pot containing them. So they're not natural.
'It was here.' He states, rubbing his thumb over one of the petals. 'The party. It was in the woods. It was here. Tom and his friends were the only people to use it. It used to be rife with them every night - drug deals, kids getting drunk, hook ups. But they built the houses over the back and it got shut down, they moved to other places and started hanging out in houses. Nobody uses it now. It's my place, to be close to my brother in his last moments the way I remember him.
'How?' I ask.
'How do I know it was here? Because I found him.' I gasp.
'But... you were...' I trail off. He purses his lips together, shaking his head.
'I was 12, yeah. But it was only 6pm and I was away to hang out with some friends after dinner. Thing is, mum was so strict about being home before dark so my curfew was 8pm but I'd taken my watch off earlier when Tom and I were playing rugby in the field so I w as rushing through the walkway to get to the field when a bunch of kids in Tom's year walked past, I jumped into the trees, hiding from them. I didn't want them to see me. I recognised a couple of them and I was scared they'd tell Tom and he'd tell mum, getting me in trouble - I wasn't meant to be here alone. They were giggling and talking about someone not being able to hold their drink, how pathetic he was for just lying there and it was his fault for not waking up - that he'd be sorry in the morning when he woke up freezing. Apparently that's what he gets for not being social until now... I knew it was Tom. He never partied until that year. The path to the inlet was clearer in those days, having been trodden on often so I followed it and I saw the two boys slapping his face and pouring beer on him. When he didn't wake up they just walked away. I ran over and didn't know what to do but I knew something was wrong. He wasn't a heavy sleeper. He woke up at the slightest sound. His phone was poking out of his pocket and I somehow called an ambulance. I had to walk to the main road for service and I flagged them down. They were quick, they'd just been to check on an old lady who'd fallen in the new houses so it didn't take long for them to get to me. I called mum on Tom's phone as they got him into the ambulance. I got to ride in the back, which would have been fun had the paramedic not been giving Tom CPR for the entire time and making the driver radio in for them to prepare a ventilator. That paramedic saved his life. He breathed for him for the whole twenty minutes to the hospital. Mum met me there, at the entrance. I thought she was going to yell at me for going somewhere I wasn't allowed without Tom or her but she just rushed to me and hugged me, telling me I was amazing. I saved Tom's life. I didn't do anything. I just made a phone call - but to mum that was everything. I think she really thought we were going to get Tom back. We all thought he'd just inhaled the liquid and couldn't breathe, it was only when they took his bloods and found a cocktail of drugs and alcohol that they realised how bad it was. I don't remember the rest of it. I don't remember seeing him in intensive care all hooked up to a ventilator and other life support and drugs for the fist time. I don't remember when he first came out of the coma, when he got home. I just remember who he was, and who he is now: my brother.'