I got all these thoughts, running through my mind
All the damn time and I can't seem to shut it off
I think I'm doing fine most of the time
I say that I'm alright, but I can't seem to shut it off
Shut it, shut it, yeah
-Anxiety, Julia Michaels, Selena Gomez
05| Evelyn
Evelyn loved the smell of fresh homemade cookies. It had been ages since someone brought her homemade cookies. When Granny was alive, once in a while they had a bake day. Little Evelyn would run in the big kitchen to help her granny and she would make cookies, cakes, biscuits for Evelyn. She would tell her the secrets of perfect baking which she listened with rapt attention. She couldn't remember them anymore, Granny died and took her secrets away with her too.
Evelyn slumped down on the couch and turned on the TV. Dad was not home and Evelyn had no idea where he went and when he would be back. It left her all alone in the house in a new neighborhood. The situation was not likable.
Last night, she had it rough. Driving Mason to his house, Evelyn met his mother, Carolina Davis, whom she instantly liked. A sweet and kind lady who welcomed Evelyn to the house and told her to leave Mason on the doorstep. Evelyn couldn't but felt sorry for Mason, but Carolina said it was his punishment for going to the party and coming back home with bruises. Evelyn simply loved that lady.
But the drive back home was the hardest. Mason's house was four houses down the street from Noah's. But from Mason's house, Evelyn's house was far.
When Evelyn took the steering wheel during the drive back home, anxiety got the best of her. Somewhere she heard that driving was not for anxious people and that thought was screaming inside her head. The night wind brushed past her bare skin. She felt alone. Her hands got sweaty, her heart beat went faster and her vision blurred. She ended up crashing the car into a lamp post. Evelyn was never a big fan of driving even before her anxiety as his father had a 90's Volkswagen.
Other than the anxiety there were also other thoughts that took up Evelyn's mind that night. All those nights after the party when she would come back home with Quinton. When others kept themselves busy with games, Evelyn and Quinton would vanish, they would climb to the roof of the house where Quinton and Evelyn would look up in the starry night sky. He would teach her how to join the stars to see a constellation.
Last night, the sky was full of stars.
Evelyn shook her head to get rid of the thought and heaved a sigh. She didn't feel hungry anymore so she kept the basket in the kitchen and went to her room.
Evelyn needed a break. A break from her thoughts, her life, from herself.
• • •
The next day Evelyn woke up with her dad shaking her.
"What?" She said still feeling sleepy. She was up all night reading a novel completely ignoring the fact that she had school in the morning.
Reading book was better than having nightmares.
"Your mom." Dad said and handed the phone in her hand. He walked away and turned back the last minute and glanced at her before closing the door.
"Mom," Evelyn whispered to herself and took the phone near her ears, "Hello."
"Hello, Evelyn. How are you doing, honey?" Her mom talked like nothing had happened and that they were just having regular mother and daughter conversation. Except, they weren't.
Whenever Mom called, it must be a special occasion, like Evelyn's birthday or Christmas. She never called Evelyn to know how she was doing.
"Fine." Evelyn said with her voice shaking.
"Well, I have a great news to tell you," Evelyn heard and her heart skipped. Last time she gave Evelyn a great news it was to invite Evelyn to her marriage to a businessman in Japan.
"I am pregnant with your baby brother, I wanted to tell you earlier but you know I was so busy." She said happily. Evelyn wondered if she was this much happy when Evelyn was born. No, she wasn't. She didn't expect Evelyn to be born.
"Oh, congratulations!" Evelyn said slowly faking that she was happy.
"Thank you, my baby girl. I will talk to you later. Have a great day." She cut the line.
I will talk to you later, what a lie. She wouldn't until there's some happy occasion came for her. Last year she even forgot Evelyn's birthday.
As Evelyn stood up, the knots in her stomach tightened. She had to close her eyes to focus. Dreading a thought, she washed up and got ready for school. Dad was waiting downstairs in the dining table with a bowl of cornflakes for Evelyn. One look at the food, she knew she couldn't eat.
She got out of the house grabbing her bag and walked towards school. Her heart beat accelerated with every step she took. She stopped between every few steps, drew in deep breathes. She concentrated on walking rather than the screams of thoughts going inside her mind.
It's alright, I will make it to school. Evelyn assured herself. Nothing will happen, I will be fine. Fine.
She took another deep breathe. She could see the school in distance. Her heart beat so louder that she was sure anyone standing beside her would hear it.
Evelyn crossed the gate, went through the parking lot and reached the hallway. Her body was getting warmer with every passing second, her heart beat louder. Clenching her hand in a fist she walked to her locker. Mason Stewart was already there arranging his backpack. He didn't acknowledge her. She minded her own business and opened her own locker.
Evelyn could feel the sudden heaviness in her chest. She tried to ignore it and told herself over and over everything would be fine. She would make through today.
There was only five minutes before school started and there was not much people in the hallway. Loud talks and laughs of people were easily heard.
That's when Evelyn heard a girl saying to another, "Happy birthday!"
It pulled the trigger.
Evelyn's eyes burst out with tears, tears flowed down her cheeks, her heart started racing violently. She had to push her hand on the locker door to stand straight. Her legs gave up.
It felt as if someone was twisting her rib cage open, breaking every single bone on the way and was reaching for her heart. The pain, the heartache was unable to carry, it seated heavily in her chest pressuring her veins and she could hardly breathe. Her heart was pumping blood so fast that with that speed her veins would burst out, she kept shivering because of the impact. The heart rate was not coming down, her entire body shook and muffled sobs escaped her throat.
"Evelyn!" She could hear a voice somewhere in the distance. A pair of strong arms wrapped her into a tight hug. She cried and cried, the hands holding her hugged her and she could only whisper through her shaky voice, "Get me out of here."
Whoever that was listened to Evelyn. Her tears won't stop, they kept flowing. She choked on her tears and kept crying. She wanted to do something more than just crying. She miserably thought of some way to let this pain out but there weren't any. Sobbing heavily, she let out a small scream burying her head in whatever that was in front of her. She screamed and punched hopelessly to let the pain out. Someone rubbed her back and kept telling her, "It's alright, Everything's gonna be alright."
But nothing was alright. Nothing would ever be alright. She had lost everything. She couldn't get her mom back, she could not make things normal like that was before. She could not do anything. She could not go back to the Evelyn she was before. This was all just temporary. She wanted to end this, all of this.
She wanted everything to stop. She wanted the world to stop moving, she wanted her breathing to stop. She wanted to stop her heart from beating. She wanted to stop.
Her heart beat slowly came down but the tears were still flowing. She inhaled and exhaled, trying to get herself calm down.
Her vision finally cleared and she could see what was in front of her.
The concerned face of Mason Stewart came to her view. His hands still around Evelyn and Evelyn clinging to him like her life depended on it.
Evelyn pushed him away with all the strength that was left in her body. With horror she took a few steps back and saw that they were at the back of the school and thankfully no one was around other than him.
Evelyn wiped away her tears quickly. Mason opened his lips to say something but Evelyn cut him off, "Just leave me alone. This never happened. You saw nothing." She said.
Evelyn stormed off as far away as possible from Mason and entered the school. Picking up her bag from the locker she headed for her classroom.
Mason saw it. Evelyn knew he saw her in her worst state and he would know something was wrong with Evelyn. He would know Evelyn wasn't like every other person. A cool wave of fear spread through her body. Panic seized Evelyn's spine.
Giving a lame excuse to her teacher why she was late, Evelyn took her seat. Moments later, Mason entered and nodded at the teacher. Evelyn's eyes met his and she could read his face, concern written all over it. Or maybe Evelyn was wrong.
Now Mason would think Evelyn
was absolutely crazy and weird. He would realize how pathetic she was.
Mason walked towards Evelyn's seat and sat right behind hers. There was a guy sitting on it and of course he quickly gave up the seat seeing Mason.
What is he doing here now? Wasn't he ignoring me all the time?
An uneasy feeling washed over Evelyn. Still affected by the panic attack, she was shivering. She took some deep breathes. She took out her copy and tried to follow the lecture.
Soon Evelyn could feeling someone getting closer to her and she heard a mere whisper.
"Are you alright, Evelyn?" Mason asked keeping his voice low.
Evelyn laughed inside her head.
"Are you sure, you are alright?" Mason asked again and instead of answering his question she kept listening to the lecture.
"Evelyn, I asked you something." This time Mason's voice was different, it was shaking.
Evelyn turned and glared at him. She felt a rush of anger.
"Do I need to punch you in the face to make you understand how alright I am?"
Mason sighed and leaned back in his seat. Evelyn looked back at the teacher. Moments later she could feel he was getting closer to her. This time he stuttered and whispered, "I just want to tell you that, I am here for you if you need anything."
With that Mason leaned back. Evelyn couldn't ignore the tingly sensation that run down her spine starting from her neck. Evelyn could tell it had nothing to do with her anxiety.
The classes went by one after another and Evelyn concentrated hard. She tried to focus all her attention to the normal things, like listening, reading, writing, walking and talking. She took each step carefully so she didn't stumble.
During lunchtime, Evelyn didn't had the guts to go to the cafeteria. Grabbing her backpack, she went straight to the library. The pleasant smell of the hard covers and pages of books revived her. She took out The Martian, a book she was trying to read for a few days.
When she looked for a seat, she was surprised to see a familiar figure, sitting in one of those tables with all his glory, none other than Mason Stewart. It crossed Evelyn's mind, that maybe he was following her, but he was here first, so never mind.
Evelyn didn't know the guy who fights in parties could read books too.
That reminded her instantly of Quinton, a guy with many surprises.
Quinton asked Evelyn, "So who's your favorite Harry Potter character?"
"I don't really like Harry Potter," She replied with a dull expression.
"How many books have you read?"
"None actually, fantasy is not really my thing, " Evelyn replied being bored.
"I will give you seven nah, eight days, and in these eight days if you don't finish Harry Potter series.." Quinton said angrily.
"Jeez,calm down, K. I will, I will, but there's school," and when she looked at Quinton she was done.
Evelyn took a seat out of Mason's sight. She sat down dropping her bag and opened the first page. A flicker of movement caught her eyes. Mason was walking towards her still with that book in his hand. Some non-fiction book about American history, Evelyn figured. He was reading the book and not even watching where he was going. He pulled the chair across hers and sat down as if it was something he did everyday. Evelyn rolled her eyes and went back to the book.
No, it didn't took her eight days to finish the Harry Potter series, it took two days less because love is the strongest force in the world.
I'm pretty much fucked. That's my considered opinion. Fucked.
A smile crept up on Evelyn's face. She had finally found a book that she could relate to. Evelyn was pretty much fucked herself.
After a few pages and stolen glances at the blue eyed guy later, Evelyn got her lunch box out. She hadn't brought much today, only strawberries. She opened the lunch box and as if it was connected to Mason, he leaned in closer. Evelyn shrugged and put one plumped strawberry to her mouth.
Seconds later, she saw a hand reaching her lunch box and picking up a strawberry and before she could react she saw Mason put it inside his mouth. A few drops of juice traveled down Mason's pink lips and Evelyn gulped. He was busy reading and didn't look at Evelyn, not even for once. He ate like he was eating his own lunch.
But he is eating my strawberries, how dare he?
Evelyn blew air through her nose and went back to reading, eating strawberries one after another. It only took two seconds and then she saw Mason's hand again. This time, she didn't sit quiet. She slapped on his hand. His hand froze in it tracks and Evelyn looked up.
Mason looked at her with his eyebrows wiggled. She gulped. Mason kept his piercing blue eyes on hers and Evelyn was not backing down. She held onto his stare like a lifeline.
Mason looked like he understood. So he took his hands away and Evelyn took a strawberry and started reading. Before she could read anything, a strawberry was snatched from her lunch box and was inside Mason's mouth.
Evelyn narrowed her eyes at him. He looked completely oblivious to the situation and was reading on silently.
Okay, you wanna play a game? Let's see who wins.
Evelyn smirked.
• • •
Edited.
The above breakdown described in this chapter is a panic attack. For more information see the chapter: the differences between panic attacks and anxiety attacks.