Last leg of the tour. Last 10 cities. I can do this. I'm so tired...I'm so homesick. I feel so alone. I can do this! Shake it off! People would kill to be doing what I get to do every night. Stop sounding so ungrateful, Liv! You're lucky to get to do this. Remember that.
"GREAT SHOW TONIGHT, EVERYONE! WE FUCKING KILLED IT!" I shouted to the dressing room full of people -- bandmates, backup singers, dancers, crew, Lee, Angie, and Abby.
My eyes locked onto her, she looks so happy! Her smile always fills me up. We all rose our cups in the air, all filled with various types and amounts of alcoholic beverages...mine was filled with whiskey, more than I care to show anyone.
"WE ALL THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A TOUGH CROWD. WE DIDN'T THINK WE'D FILL THE VENUE BUT WE FUCKING DID! AND TO ABBY! ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL OPENING!!! ANOTHER PERFECT EXPERIENCE! TO THE NEXT ONE!!!" I shouted over everyone.
I jumped down from the couch and landed in Lee's arms. He had missed the last leg of the tour and that messed with my anxiety a bit, but Angie is always a good rock to have and re-center me. He's back for the last leg and doing makeup for the show.
"Fam, your cup is full...what the hell?!" he nervously laughed and took my red solo cup.
"I wasn't gonna drink the whole thing, kuya*! Relax." I insisted.
"Ano ba? Sobra ka na! Lagi ka lasing pag ka tapos...(What's this? You're too much! You're always drunk after...) Lee said frustrated.
Uh oh...he's yelling at me in tagalog, he's mad. It's just been really hard to fall asleep after a show...or lately...since I found out Lucas was dating already, maybe.
"Okay...I'm done. I'm done for the night..." I said to Lee.
"Can you get the car, Angie?" I asked.
*Kuya: word in tagalog for older brother/cousin/friend, as a sign of respect.
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Back at the hotel. It's nearly 2 am and I'm wide awake. Everyone would have gone to bed already. I've been writing and composing a lot during this tour, it's just a lot of melodies and lyrics here and there, I usually work on my music to help me wind down and fall asleep but it just hasn't cut it lately. I walk to the door of my adjoining room...Abby is next door. I tiptoed into her room, she's already asleep but she has been crying, she doesn't think I can hear her but I do. She cries herself to sleep almost every night, sometimes she even cries in her sleep. Tonight was one of those nights.
She's asleep but she's crying...she's whimpering a bit. I climb into her bed and hold her until she stops.
"Ssssshhh...it's okay, munch," I whispered and kissed her on the head.
"He's okay now. It wasn't your fault," I say and tears fall from my eyes.
I hate seeing her in so much pain. At least, with her on tour with me, I can keep an eye on her. After Abby's first night on tour I could hear her crying from my room, I've spent every night waiting for her to fall asleep crying and then making my way to her room to comfort her. It's become a nightly thing.
I watched as Abby's face grew less and less tense and more relaxed. She's beautiful. Her chestnut brown hair and her strong brows. Those lashes, when she bats her eyes, I swear she could fly away if she wanted. She's petite but in good shape. She's swimming in this giant bed and comforter. I continue to hold her, matching my breath with hers. Inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale. My eyes finally start to feel heavy. Before my eyes finally close I look at Abby's lips, they look so soft....wait, what?
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We have the day off...finally! And in Amsterdam of all places. One of my top 10 favorite cities! I've been several times before and I can't wait for everyone to experience it as well!
"Wake up sleepy heads!! WE'RE GOING OUT!" Lee announced as he walked into the room.
"...ughghghghghghg coffee..." I grunted.
"It's on the table. Abby, you up too?" asked Lee, he poked and prodded the bed with a hanger.
"Fuck! Ow! Stop poking me, Lee!" Abby protested.
I sat up and Lee gave me a look -- a smirk. I shook my head at him signifying that this was nothing.
Lee:
You slept in here again?
Me:
Yeah, why?
Lee:
Idk. You guys looked cute tho ;)
Me:
Stop.
Lee:
Jon thinks this should be a thing too. It's not just me.
Me:
Enough.
"Let's go! We have places to go! Things to see! DAMN GUYS, WE'RE IN AMSTER...DAM!" I laughed.
I scheduled a bike tour for all of us, then a cruise through the canals, then a tour of the Red Light District...of course we hit up some coffee shops along the way.
I plopped myself onto the bed. "I'M SO TIRED BUT ALSO HUNGRY!!!!! LET'S GET DINNER!" I yelled to whoever was around and listening.
"Everyone went back to their rooms and are going to bed, you literally tired everyone out with your excursions, Liv." said Abby.
"What about you? Wanna get food?" I smirked.
"Ugh fine! But I want room service. My feet are killing me!" protested Abby.
"Mmmm...no room service. I have a place! I promise you won't regret it!! Please, munch? Please! Please! Please!!!!" I begged.
"No...room service or you get food alone, Liv!" protested Abby.
I batted my eyes at Abby and pouted.
"UGH! FINE! WHERE ARE WE EATING THAT'S SO FUCKING SPECIAL?" Abby said defeated.
She's so easy. I smiled, jumped out of bed, grabbed Abby's hand, and ran out the door!
I stood flush against Abby's back and covered her eyes. I had my driver drop us off at this spot on the canal. It was a boathouse run by a sweet dutch couple that closed down their restaurant and renovated this boathouse into a small, intimate restaurant. I placed my hands gently over Abby's eyes and positioned her just right to get the whole picture.
"Surprise! This is where we're having dinner!" I said excitedly.
"OH MY GOD!" Abby said eagerly.
We stepped onto the boat and I introduced Abby to Levi and Norah the owners, I had contacted them earlier when I noticed the rest of the group slowing down, I figured only the strongest would last for dinner and this place only seated 10. We sat at the bow of the boat where Norah had set a table for the two of us. It was beautiful, candlelit with fresh flowers everywhere.
"How'd you find out about this place?" asked Abby.
"Hmph...Lucas..." I muttered.
"Oh...well it's beautiful! Romantic too! Are you trying to wine and dine me, Olivia?" teased Abby.
"I mean, I'm already sleeping in your bed most nights, I thought it'd only be right to buy you dinner," I joked.
We laughed and enjoyed the beautiful scenery of the Amsterdam canals as we ate our meal.
"You're still crying at night, munch..." I said quietly.
"I know. I mean, I didn't realize it until I woke up and my eyes were as swollen as fucking tomatoes. I just...I guess it still bothers me that I didn't know he was shooting up. I dream about confronting him and that's usually when I cry because I'm so angry at him. You don't have to come in my room, you know. But I do appreciate it. I know you're there, I can feel you and the dream stops and I feel okay," she said.
I nodded, "comforting you helps me too but if you want me to stop I will, Abby."
"How does it help you?" Abby asked curiously.
"I haven't been sleeping lately, literally everything keeps me up at night. At first, I thought it was performance high from the concerts, but it was every night -- even when we don't have a show. I was writing but then that stopped working. Comforting you, focusing on you has been working, maybe because I wasn't sleeping alone anymore too," I confessed.
"Well, maybe we just get rid of my room and stay in your suite because not sleeping alone obviously stops the crying and puts you to sleep. Saves my label money too," Abby joked.
I watched Abby laugh at her own idea, was she serious or joking because she makes a point. I haven't been able to sleep through the night in nine months -- since I left Lucas. She looked beautiful in this lighting. Her profile is my favorite, but her big brown eyes...I could get lost in those eyes. Let me see your eyes, Abby. There they are...she looked at me then back down at her wine glass. She looked up at me and smiled, it felt like a ray of sunshine just shone down on me and only me.
"I'm really glad you came," I said.