Sometimes Geoff forgets Awsten is blind.
He's spent the last week practically living at his and Otto's apartment – he's honestly lost track of the amount of times he's stayed over and Chloe is so fucking mad at him and Jawn keeps calling and their management is absolutely blowing up his inbox and he's been ignoring all of it – and the more time he spends there, the more apparent it becomes to him.
Awsten can't see but you would never know it here.
He moves around with such confidence, requiring neither his cane nor Otto's assistance. He knows where everything is and has memorized how many steps it'll take to get to the kitchen cabinet or from the bathroom to his bedroom. The smile Geoff's grown to love, the content, relaxed, fond smile, never disappears from Awsten's face when he's at home.
"Geoff? Geoff!"
He blinks and shakes his head. "Huh?"
"Your phone," Otto says. "Can you answer whoever the fuck that is so they'll stop calling?"
His heart is beating faster. His hands are shaking as he fumbles in his pocket and pulls his phone out. Jawn's picture is encompassing the whole screen. He bites his lip. It's a shot he had their tour photographer send him right before the last show. Jawn's got his guitar hanging from his body and both arms in the air, staring at the crowd with this look of adoration and surprise mixed together. It was taken right after their last song, just before they throw picks and drumsticks out into the audience. Geoff remembers looking at the pictures that night and not being able to take his eyes off this one.
He swallows and hits 'decline', squeezes his eyes shut and slips his phone back into his pocket, presses harder on his lip and tries to keep tears back. Stupid fucking baby. Stop crying. Jawn's your best friend. You're acting like a little bitch baby you're so fucking pathetic no wonder he's done with you no wonder he hates you no-
"Geoff."
He feels the grip on his shoulders, the hand on his chin. "W-What?"
"Breathe." Awsten smiles at him. "It's okay. You're okay. Just take some deep breaths, alright? Everything's okay."
He swallows hard. He doesn't know what he did to deserve this beautiful boy, doesn't know why the universe decided to take pity on him and bless him with someone so understanding and calming and warm. Awsten is radiance and warmth and sunshine it feels warm he can breathe again he's not drowning and choking on mouthfuls of water he's clinging onto a life preserver and swimming to shore he's warm he can breathe he's warm.
"Was that Jawn?" Awsten asks, after his breathing is back to normal. He plops down next to him and throws his arm around Geoff's shoulders. Geoff shivers. It's happened so many times in the past week but he hasn't got used to it. Awsten's touch is fire, pink and sparkly and shiny and warm. It feels like something is exploding inside of him, like there's too much warm his heart can't take it it's going to burst.
"Y-Yeah."
"You still haven't talked ta him?" Otto sets a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and plops down in the armchair on the right. "Damn."
"I don't...I don't know what to say," Geoff confesses. He presses harder into his lip. He's on the verge of copper, on the verge of needing an involuntary lip piercing because he'll look fucking stupid with no jewelry in the hole he's bitten in his lip.
"When was the last you-"
"Not since Awsten-"
"Not since I chewed him out," Awsten supplies. He squeezes Geoff's shoulders. "You needa talk to him, Geoff. He's been texting me and he thinks you hate him. He's sorry. He wants to apologize. Let him."
Geoff shakes his head. His heart is beating faster. He feels the ice and the hot and forces impossibly closer to Awsten warmwarmwarm. "I don't-don't want him ta apologize I don't need an apology it's not about that."
"What is it about then?"
"Otto," Awsten warns. "Don't."
"No," Geoff speaks up. "It's okay. He's right. I need- needa stop bein' such a fuckin' baby 'bout this." The words feel too big his voice is thick it hurts it's heavy warmwarmwarm.
"As the best friend," Otto says. "I don't think he meant to hurt you. I really don't. You guys don't get it, it's kinda...it's weird, for us. 'Cause we see you hurting so bad and we wanna do something and we can't and it sucks. It pisses you off, 'cause that's your best friend, y'know? The person that deserves to be happy more than anything. And they're not. And you can't do anything about it." He chuckles. "Just...don't be too hard on him, 'kay? He loves you."
"Otto..." He looks up when he hears the break in Awsten's voice. Awsten moves away from him and crosses over to the couch Otto's sitting on. Otto opens his arms and Awsten curls onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck. He whispers something against Otto's skin, lips moving gently, Geoff is too far to hear it.
"I thought you hated Jawn." Awsten's voice is louder. He turns his face in Geoff's direction.
Otto shrugs and curls his fingers around Awsten's waist. Geoff swallows again. His heart is racing. Something feels off there's something wrong he doesn't know what it is but he doesn't like it. "I don't hate him. I don't like the dude but I kinda get where he's comin' from. You wanna do everything for your best friend but sometimes you can't." His own voice seems to catch in his throat. "And it's the worst feeling in the world."
Awsten hugs him again, clinging tighter, having moved his arms to go around his upper torso, under his arms. Geoff stretches forward and catches the faintest hint of, "...saved my life. You did everything. I love you so much and I will never be able to thank you for everything you've done for me."
There's an ache behind his eyes his stomach feels like it's going to eject from his chest he doesn't feel warm anymore he doesn't know why he doesn't know anything he doesn't feel warm anymore.
He doesn't feel warm anymore.
...
He shivers, tugging his jacket further around himself.
He made the decision of walking to Jawn's house and it started raining two minutes in and his socks are soaked and there's water traveling down his jeans and his hair is flopping into his eyes, a soggy, damp mess.
Otto offered to drive and Awsten offered to come but he knew he wouldn't be able to have this conversation with them there, watching his every move, ready to jump in the second things get ugly. It would've been nice to have the safety net but he knows himself and he knows he won't say everything on his mind if Otto and Awsten, if even just Awsten, is in the room listening.
He shoots a hand out of his jacket cocoon to ring the doorbell and bites his lip. He didn't call he didn't text he doesn't even know if he's home this was a bad idea this was a bad idea oh god this was such a fucking bad idea.
He swallows against the lump in his throat and moves to turn around.
And then the door creaks and swings open and he freezes.
"Geoff? Holy fuck, come in."
Jawn holds the door open and he takes a step inside, limiting his body to just the doormat as not to drip water onto the wooden floors. His teeth are chattering and his hair is in his eyes but everything's cold he can't move.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You're gonna freeze to death," Jawn says. He's talking hurriedly, words tumbling out in a rush. He reminds Geoff of himself right before an anxiety attack. Trying to keep it together and failing obviously. "M'gonna get you a towel or something."
"Jawn," he forces out. The word shakes from the force of his vibrating teeth.
Jawn turns back to look at him. There are tears in his eyes.
"Geoff. I-I'm so sorry."
He takes a step forward and opens his arms. Water droplets splash onto the floor with a loud slap, but Jawn doesn't seem to mind as he propels himself forward and wraps his arms around Geoff.
Geoff swallows again. He buries his face in the crook of Jawn's neck and lets out a heavy breath. It's not like Awsten it's not warm it's different it feels good he's missed this he wants to bottle it up and put it next to Awsten's bottle, in his closet of good feelings for the days he has none.
"I'm sorry."
"I missed you."
am i just making myself emotional with this shit or