"Hey Aws, what's up? Do you wanna-"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He tries to keep the tears out of his voice but they creep in anyway. His voice breaks at the end. His throat hurts. The ache in his head has crept down to his chest, melted and permeated the wall to sit deep inside. It feels like a boulder, rocking side to side on top of the pain and sending out more sparks every time it moves.
"Whoa," Jawn says. "What're you talkin' about? Did something happen?"
"Fuck yeah something happened." Awsten white-knuckles the phone and digs the nails of his other hand into his palm. "You. You happened."
"Awsten, what the hell is goin' on?" He can hear Jawn a lot more clearly now. He sounds confused. "Why are you mad at me? What the fuck did I do?"
"You don't know why Geoff's in such a bad place?" His heart is pounding. The phone is shaking in his hands, sliding around in his grip. He moves his pinky under the device to keep it from falling and takes a breath. He's trying so hard. He's trying so unbelievably hard not to lose it and curse Jawn out because it's obvious he doesn't know what he did but it's so fucking difficult because how the fuck could he not have realized how the fuck did he not know what he was doing was wrong how the fuck was he such an idiot. "You told him he has nothing to be depressed about and called him lazy when he couldn't get outta bed and you don't know why he's in such a bad place?"
He hears Jawn sigh. It's silent for a few moments. He starts to say something and stops at least three times. "Aws, I...I was wrong. I know I was. I was a dick and I can't take it back but he knows I'm sorry. He knows I love him."
"No he doesn't!" Awsten snaps. "He fucking doesn't! He thinks you don't give a shit and from what he told me I think he's right! You don't give a shit. You just want him to be happy so you can stop worrying and get on with your life, right? Depression doesn't fucking work that way- mental illness doesn't fucking work that way."
"You needa calm down," Jawn says. "Jesus christ Awsten, it's not like I told him to kill himself. I said I was sorry. Don't you dare tell me I don't care about him. He's my best fuckin' friend. Do you have any idea what hell I went through after he tried to fuckin' off himself?"
"His was worse," Awsten mutters. He inhales again and lets his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes. His heart is beating so fast. He feels it, that on-edge, can't relax feeling. It's like his skin is on fire and he's going up in flames. "You don't get to complain about how bad his suicide attempt was for you because all you did after was stick him in a mental hospital and go on with your fuckin' life."
"He needed therapy-"
"He needed someone to sit down with him and ask him what was wrong and not judge him for it or make him feel like a fuckin' problem. That's what you did. You shove him in therapy or rehab without giving a second fuckin' thought to what he wants. Did you ask him? What he needs? Did you ever fuckin' think to ask?"
"He needed help, Awsten." Jawn's voice is firm. "He still needs help. I didn't think you'd be able to fix everything because I know you won't. He's sick and he needs help. We can't do anything else for him. And we can't help him if he doesn't wanna help himself. He fought me every fuckin' step of the way, no matter what I did. So what was I supposed to do? I was scared, Awsten. I was so fucking scared. I didn't want him to try again. I did what I thought was best for him."
"Did it help? Any of it?" Awsten asks. He forces his voice into calm. His heart is still racing and his hands are still shaking but he forces himself to sound steely calm.
"Well, clearly not."
"I just got more out of one conversation with him than he's probably ever said to a therapist," Awsten continues. "You know why? Because I listened, Jawn. I listened and held him while he cried and told him what he was feeling was okay. And it broke him. Because he's never fucking heard that before. He's spent so long being told he needs to suck it up and stop being a sad piece of shit, an attentionwhore, that that's what he thinks of himself. That's all he thinks of himself. Wanna know why he can't get better? Because he doesn't think he deserves to. He hates himself. He thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy. That's why he wants to kill himself. He's not just sad for the fuckin' sake of being sad. If I were him I would've ended it a long time ago."
"Aws-"
"He doesn't need rehab," Awsten mutters. "A therapist would be good, but honestly Jawn, all he really needs is a friend. And I'm glad he finally knows what that means, because apparently you don't know how to be one."
...
His phone startles him.
He shoots up in bed, tangling himself in the covers as he tries to grab for it. He hits 'accept' on the screen, puts it on speaker, and brings a hand to his head. The grogginess, the feeling of just waking up and immediately wanting to fall back asleep, is hitting him like a tidal wave. It feels like the world is spinning. "Hm?"
"Hi Geoff." Awsten's voice is soft. He blinks and picks up the phone again. The tiredness is slowly starting to fade. "Feel any better?"
He swallows. "Yeah... Thanks, Aws. I- I know yesterday was a lot. Thanks for putting up with me. I'm still so-"
"If the next word that comes out of your mouth is sorry I will fucking destroy you," Awsten says. "Stop apologizing, Geoff. I wanted to listen. I wanted to be there. I'm glad I was."
He pulls his lip in with his teeth. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know what he did to deserve this human being, this embodiment of literal sunshine in his life. He's fucked up so many things, done so many drugs and drank way too much alcohol and carved up his skin like a fucking Christmas ham, and somehow the universe rewards him with the presence of a human angel.
He's known Awsten for so little time but he's managed to become such a big part of his life and Geoff is constantly between don't get too attached you're gonna lose him the other shoe is gonna drop good things don't happen to you he won't be here forever don't come crying to me when he leaves like everyone else and hang onto him stay with him do not ever let him go he is the best thing that's ever happened to you do not let him slip away like everything else he's too important for that.
"Can I-" He cuts himself off shakily. It's stupid it's clingy it's pathetic he needs to stop he's getting attached stop stopitstopitstopit.
"Can you what?"
"Nevermind."
"Tell me."
"It's nothing."
"Geoff." Awsten's voice is firm. "What is it?"
He presses down harder into his lip, draws copper and swallows against it and pushes his fingers against his temple in an attempt to quell the migraine that's only been getting worse. "Can I come over? I wanna...wanna hug you. I'm sorry it's stupid I know it's okay don't-"
"Geoff." He can practically hear Awsten smiling. "I'll be waiting."
...
He rings the doorbell with shaking fingers and brings his hand back to shoe it deep in his pocket, clenching into a fist and digging his nails into his palm.
The door swings open a few moments later, and there Awsten stands. Geoff feels his nails break into skin as he stares. Awsten's wearing a baggy pastel pink sweater and grey sweatpants and he has the biggest smile on his face and oh my god he looks so cuddly fuckfuckfuck.
"Geoff?" Awsten asks. "Where's my hug?"
He takes a step forward so he's standing a shoulder-length away from Awsten. He can hear Awsten breathing. He's still smiling, arms lifted slightly. He takes a breath and leans forward, takes Awsten into his arms and squeezes him against his chest, buries his head against the soft pink fabric of his sweater, lets out the breath he's been holding for so long, breathes.
Awsten giggles against him. He feels his arms come up around his back and squeeze just as hard. "You smell really nice."
He inhales, because what the fuck is Awsten talking about he smells so fucking good too, pressing his nose against Awsten's collarbone and breathing out. His breath warms the sleeve of Awsten's hoodie and he buries his face in it, soaks up every last bit of heat before it goes cool again.
His heart is beating so hard but it feels different. It feels warm, like being this close to Awsten has transferred some of the sunshine into his heart and now it's traveling to the rest of his body, light and happy and warm.
He breathes.
you're welcome