Hey guys. So, this is serious. I've written a message on another book of mine that I'm getting rid of. The reason why I'm posting the message here also is because it contains a story about something that happened to me and I would like you guys to read it. Harley may be a character in a book but she's a certain way because I need her to present a message to my readers. We have a little bit of her in all of us. The need to be accepted by friends, family and by society in general. And we step out of our way to become things we're not. Do things we don't do.
Here's the message. It's over 3,000 words because the story about what happened to me is long but I suggest you read it.
Also, the message was posted to my book "The Envious Teacher".
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*PLEASE READ WITH A MATURE AND OPEN MIND. INSTEAD OF JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM.*
I know many any of you will hate me after this and I'm okay with that. As long as my message comes across, I'm willing to stand up for my beliefs. I began writing this book between 2014 and 2015. (Very long ago for it to be unfinished, I know.) I last edited it in July 2016. I tried to read it but it didn't make me laugh and I didn't think it was cute. It made me sad and sick to my stomach. Because within that year, something happened to me that made me realize that I was confused, immature and wrote this with a prideful mind. I didn't think this would happen to me, and I thought it seemed romantic. But it isn't.
The story that I'm about to tell you is true. It happened to me and I think it was meant to be my wake up call. Whether it is God or the universe telling me to share this, something some me up at three something this morning and told me to tell you what happened to me.
In 2016, I was nearing 18 years old and I had just gotten into college. I'm not being boastful, but I'm in a home where my parents raised me on heavy morals and I was given the "Bird and the Bees" talk at a young age (things had happened to me at a young age that caused that to be a must). So, I knew about waiting. I was born in church and was taught that waiting was the way to go.
But in high school, around 2013, I was introduced to Wattpad, along with dirty books. I didn't read them on Wattpad. My friends wrote them in their notebooks and we shared our stories back and forth. We were young and it felt bad to read and write things like that, but I liked having to hide to read these things. The only book that I had written without romance was stolen by another girl, and no one really cared to read it anyway. So, by 2014, I started writing on Wattpad.
I wrote my first book in 2014. It was called "Beauty Marks" and it was about a girl who was born with marks on her skin not knowing why they were there or where they came from. She would later find out that she wasn't from earth. I know, it sounds corny. And people thought it was. I was getting less than 100 reads per chapter so I decided to unpublish it. It's still in my drafts to this day.
Then, I began to realize that the books that got the most attention where books with "Bad Boy" in the title and ones with sex on their covers. So, I decided to do what my friends introduced me to Wattpad to do, write romance books with sex in them. I wasn't into these kinds of books. They made me cringe, but I knew that people would still read them out of curiosity. So, I wrote "My Jealous Boss" which obviously stemmed from "Fifty Shades of Grey", a book that I read a few lines of and couldn't finish, and then I began to write this book when it was finished. "My Envious Teacher", which again, I was inspired to write from "Pretty Little Liars". I thought a situation where a co-worker or a student falling for the higher up was exciting. Maybe the co-worker and the boss might be okay to society but the teacher and student situation is not okay. Whether they are around the same age or not. Let me tell you now why I've changed my mind.
This is what happened to me in 2016 and why this story makes me sick. You may be more mature and you may have a stronger mind than I do, but I thought I did and I still found myself in this situation. I've never told anyone about this but my best friend and she, being younger than I was, thought it was a cute situation. Older now, I know it wasn't. And it's my warning to you.
DO NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL IMPORTANT. LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LET OTHERS TRY TO LOVE YOU. KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LET OTHERS TRY TO KNOW YOU. BECAUSE IF A PERSON KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF, YOU BECOME OPEN TO MANIPULATION.
Again, I was seventeen and 3/4 and in my first year of college. I had joined a program and because I wasn't the greatest at math, I was forced to take tutoring. From the beginning, I was being told by friends that he's going to be hot and that most guys with his name were. I'll call him, Tim. I'm not blaming my friends because I know that I told them that they were stupid and that the idea was completely stupid, but still fell for it.
When I went to tutoring, the guy wasn't as good looking to me as I thought and my friends thought he would be. In fact, I saw nothing in him at all and never felt compelled to go to class on a Friday morning. He was Hispanic and about five seven or eight. He wore huge glasses and always wore a hat or a beanie and he had a long smile that never went away. Now that I think about it, he kind of creeps me out. But that's NOW.
The class was made up of three girls. One girl being about twenty-three to twenty-five. She was pretty, with long dark hair and she was extremely curvy. She knew the math like the back of her hand and told us that she only took tutoring because she was nervous about taking the math class.
The other was older than us both. She was about thirty and up but she was blonde and pretty and she had a Russian accent (which obviously meant she was Russian). She, like me, had no idea how to do the work and had a hard time understanding it.
They both dressed up to come to class, probably busy with adult life. While I was just the girl who were plaid, button up shirts and sweatshirts and pants to school. I didn't care much about make up at the time and only wore eyeliner because I thought it was fun to do. I thought I was a tomboy and I thought that acting more like a guy because society made it cool, made me cool. Today, I still act a little tomboyish but I dress the way I want and wear make up because I do what makes me happy and people find me attractive because of that ( but we'll get to that a little later).
"Tim", the tutor had told us that he didn't care if we came or not. Attendance to tutoring was mandatory but he was okay with us not coming. So, the girl who knew everything stopped coming. And one day, the other one skipped as well. I never skipped before that one day.
I went to class alone and sat with Tim for about ten minutes in a session that was meant to be an hour and a half. Then he let me know that the Russian girl wasn't coming. I was fine with that because I grew around mainly with boys and never cared about being alone with them. Unlike one of my best friends, I never flipped out around them because I never understood why she would. I had even considered myself Asexual back then (another reason why people followed me on Wattpad).
Tim decided that we didn't need to have class that day. He kept grinning and a couldn't sit still. He started asking me about myself and I didn't think much of it. I told him my age and that I was almost eighteen and I told him that I was really good at Art and English subjects. I told him about the English class I had been taking after tutoring and how good I was doing (got an A+, thank God). He applauded me and told me that I was smart. I felt nothing at first.
Then he began to boast about himself. He told me that he was twenty four and also a straight A student. He said that he was good at math and English and had attended an Art and Music school, two things that made up most of my life. I found that attractive and started to like him then. I thought that he seemed attractive because he was smart and had a plan for himself, which is good thinking. But whether a person is smart or not, personality plays a huge part.
I remember him asking me, but not the exact question, about how to handle some situation with a girl. It was so long ago that I can't remember it but I know it was some girl who had liked him that he wasn't into. He tried to make it seem like he had a lot of girls trailing behind him. I didn't completely buy it but I didn't care.
He was nice to me and we talked for most of the time then time counted down and I told him I would leave early. I stood up prepared to leave and he stood up too. He asked me for a hug.
Now first of all, when I was younger (12+) I was told by family members that a lot of the time guys hug you so they can feel your chest. So, I knew that that could've been his intention, but I didn't want to believe it. Because, why? HE WAS NICE.
I hugged him, and he wouldn't let me leave, then he whispered (I thought he was joking) "Can I get a kiss."
Now, I'm the type of person who laughs the hell out of uncomfortable situations so I said no and laughed.
He kept pulling me but I got away still naively thinking it was a joke.
I left and joked about it to my friend telling her that I liked the guy. That's all she heard and immediately began to feel excited. She went from he's a creep to he's hot really fast.
Then the next week I went to class and the Russian girl was there. We went about class as normal then I decided that I needed to use the bathroom.
Now, the library bathrooms were restricted and I wasn't supposed to use them. But Tim let me. He took me to the bathroom and held the key above me then he told me that I had to kiss him to get it. Again, I was 17 and well aware that this was NOT socially acceptable. But I thought it was funny and coincidentally just like my freaking book.
I told him no and tried to hold my pee but he wouldn't let me use the bathroom.
He pointed at his cheek and told me that I could kiss him there instead. I decided to pretend I would, just to annoy him. When I leaned foward to do that, he turned his face to me and tried to kiss me.
Laughing like an idiot I pushed off. He unlocked the door for me and I used to bathroom. I sat in there for a while a bit shaken. I was more nervous now and my mind couldn't wrap around what was happening. So, instead of thinking about keeping a straight face and telling him to stop, I decided that it was nothing because saying it was nothing was easier than seeing the guy I would turn down for another four Fridays.
When he came back to lock the door, I rushed past him, not making it noticeable that I was trying to avoid him. The rest of the class went by and I acted as normal as I could and answered questions and did what I was asked. I could tell be was a little upset but I laughed it off.
Then class finished and the girl packed up her things. I tried my best to get out before her but before I could get my textbook in my bag, she was gone.
He decided to approach me.
I started laughing the moment he got close because I was nervous out of my socks. I didn't want him close to me but I wanted a story to tell my friends who had tons of boyfriends behind them (a thing I up to this day have never had). I acted tough and stuffed my books into my bag while he spoke to me about my art. Then he asked me for a hug. I laughed and told him goodbye then I left.
The next Friday was when things changed. After listening to my best friend tell me that he clearly liked me and that I should go for it and that she's done worse with her boyfriend, I decided that I was older and it was about time I acted like it. I wasn't going to kiss him, but I would ask him out. That was my intention, but it wasn't his.
After tutoring, the girl left and I stayed back. I had a few minutes to get to my class and he had about fifteen before his next set of students would flood in.
He stood in a corner away from the door that had a doorslength window beside it, chewing a stick of gum be had asked me for during class. I knew from that what his intentions were but I didn't think clearly. I wanted to be with the crowd, with society. I was turning eighteen and I had never had a boyfriend before. It was about time.
So, I walked over to him nervous but prepared to ask him out. Something pulled my leg and told me not to. But I had walked too far already. He asked me if I was there to give him his hug and I said yes. I giggled but I was scared. I wanted to leave.
He hugged me but I stood still. Then before I could move, he began to kiss me. I froze and I couldn't move. I had never felt that paralyzed in my life and I couldn't even shut my eyes. The only movement I made was when he pulled me nearer to the corner of the room so he could lean against the a window frame.
I remember thinking that I should trying to back away. All of the things my best friend had told me went out the window. I wasn't into it. But I couldn't move.
I remember him asking me if I had ever kissed anyone before. I believe I shook my head.
He put my hands over his shoulders and continued to kiss me.
I remember telling him that I was scared and that I had class and that we should stop. But he thought it was cute and kept saying "Awe, it's okay" and "you're doing great".
I got a hold of myself and pushed him off.
He looked at me with a nervous and shocked look on his face. Who could blame him? He could have lost his tutoring job or gotten into more trouble.
I smiled at him because I felt guilty for pushing him away. It wasn't his fault, right? Even though I told him I wasn't into it multiple times and almost had an asthma attack from fear.
I grabbed my bag and told him goodbye like nothing has happened and I could tell he was confused.
I remember walking out of the room and seeing a friend from another class waiting for Tim on one of the chairs. He was a Jewish kid he was really nice but that day he looked at me with furrowed brows and judgemental eyes. I know now that he looked at me that way because he knew he had recognized me from class. But I was so caught in guilt that I thought that he was judging me. I thought that he heard or saw me.
I got out of the library shaking. The last time I can recall shaking the way I did then, was this year when I got surgery done on my thigh. I had to sit through that pain, so imagine how I felt walking out of that library.
I called my best friend to tell her about what happened. At first, I told her that I was scared and that I wasn't okay with it. But she wanted details and she started telling me about her and her own boyfriend and that made me change my mind about the situation. I thought I was overreacting. I was the one acting like an idiot because he clearly liked me and thought I was fine with it.
I'm about five-one to five-three and I'm very small. People tend to think I'm joking all of the time, even to this day. I'm not a serious person but I've learned that I need to stand by what I feel. I careless about doing what others want now, and more about what is right for me. And I'm willing to take a punch or sit through three weeks of tutoring because of that.
Later on that day, I decided to text him to let him know that I felt uncomfortable. I told him that I couldn't do things like that with a person I barely knew and wasn't dating. Then he asked me out.
I texted my best friend and sent her screenshots of our conversation. I couldn't find those screenshots and I deleted his number, but here is the conversation between me and my best friend. (Who now barely talks to me at all)
I don't really remember the conversation between me and another friend of mine but I see from the screenshotshots that she wasn't into it. She said that I was being taken advantage of. She was older than me by a few days, but I can see now that she was clearly wiser.
Also, while texting Tim, he kept telling me let's not text. He didn't feel comfortable texting. As I think about it now, he could've had a girlfriend that he was trying to hide me from.
I spoke to my parents about the situation and they said they were fine with us dating, as long as they got to know him. I didn't tell them how much older he was because to me it didn't matter. My best friend at school was his age and she acted just like me so I thought age didn't matter.
Then I went to class the next week and things became clear. His intentions became obvious. During class, he began to ask the Russian girl, or should I say woman, similar questions about this best friend who likes him and wants to date him. It was like he was rubbing it in my face all over again. Then he said something along the lines of "I'm good with reading people and I can get girls to do what I want." That was when I realized that he wasn't really interested. I was like a test subject. Something took over me and I remember just smiling at him and nodding my head like there was an "A-ha" moment in my mind. I lost it.
The girl giggled and said that he was "too much".
After class, I waited for her to leave then I slowly stood up and started packing.
Tim was still prepared to discuss our relationship but I wasn't up for it. I didn't tell him that I wasn't interested. I told him that I had to get to class and that I would text him later. He wanted to make out but I told him I really had to go and left.
I texted him later on that day and he texted me something dirty. I screenshotted it and sended it to my friend knowing that I was done with the guy. Then I sent her my reply.
I skipped the next tutoring session. When the last one came, both girls returned. I acted like nothing had ever happened between us, smiling an answering questions. I knew that if I let him get under my skin I wouldn't get anything done. My exams were coming up and I needed to be ready.
After tutoring that day, I told him I would tell him how I did in my exam and that's exactly what I did. I told him thank you and that I had passed and I never texted him again.
I remember him texting me randomly late last year and asking me to go shopping with him. I immediately replied "no, sorry" and never bothered with his number again. And now that I've gotten a different phone I doubt he'll be contacting me again.
I see him around campus and he stares at me with a smile. I give him a quick one and get on with my day because we aren't friends.
Over the years I've realized that I only allowed myself to be used because I thought no one liked me. Didn't think I was seen as attractive by the people I liked. The only guys who asked me out in highschool were the weird ones who randomly added me on Facebook just for that. He was smart and I thought "finally" and let myself almost get played.
I've made other male friends who, unlike him, actually saw me for who I was and liked me for that, because I was who I know myself as. I've turned them down and I will continue to do that until I feel like I'm ready or have found someone I'm interested in.
Don't become something because society says it's cool. I have friends who identify as bisexual because guys find it hot. Don't do things because you want to be liked. And please, do not allow yourself to be used. Know yourself and LOVE YOURSELF. Life is too short to waste your time on fools.
I could not continue this book even though I had the ending in mind because if I did, I would be preaching a lie. I'm not for the message in the book. I was young and I wanted Wattpad reads. I couldn't even get into Radish (a book writing site) because according to them, by books are different to the idea I was presenting to them. I wrote forbidden romance books when I really wanted to write mystery books, comedy. I've always wanted to write books that make an impact on the reader and this one isn't that.