The next time I woke up it was to Demi shaking me. It was time to go home. If I was allowed to call it home. I don’t even know what home is. Is it where you come from, where you’re welcome, what? All I’ve ever known was a broken home, and I don’t think anything else would be my home. I don’t exactly deserve any better. I can’t believe I’ve done all this to Demi. She doesn’t need to extra stress of me in her life. I feel like she is doing this because she thinks she has to. I mean there are millions of girls and boys all over the world just like me. Of all the Lovatics in the world… She chose me. I’ll never be able to figure out why.
“Sweetie?” Demi’s soft, pleading voice broke me from my thoughts. I had not even noticed that we were back at her place, but sitting in the car. I looked right in to her big chocolate brown eyes, and I couldn’t help but feel jealous. She was so perfect, and I would never be like her. No matter how hard I tried.
“Sky?” Demi’s voice interrupted my thoughts again, but this time there was pure concern in her tone. I decided to reply this time to keep my mind from wandering.
“Sorry, I was thinking.” This was 100% true, but as soon as the words escaped my mouth I regretted ever saying anything, because I knew what would come next.
“Do you want to talk about anything? It helps to get it out.” She sounded serious. I knew she was right.
“I’m really not up for talking, Demi. I’m really sorry.” I was being honest. I wasn’t up for pouring my heart out at the moment. I thought it’d be better to wait.
“Okay, fair enough. C’mon we need to get you something to eat.” Demi said as we both got out of the car. I forced myself to follow her despite the knot my stomach was in at the thought of food. We made our way to her apartment, and I went straight to the couch. I sat there with my knees to my chest, and started thinking again. I can’t eat. I just can’t. Not now. Not ever. But, I’ve already caused so much stress in Demi’s life and I’ve been with her for around a week. I don’t get how I mess things up so bad. Maybe I should eat just for Demi. But, then again she wouldn’t want me if I got too fat. She’d be embarrassed. Deep down I knew that I was lying to myself, but the inner demons that ran my life wouldn’t let me believe otherwise. My thoughts were once again interrupted by Demi sitting down next to me with a bowl of cereal in hand.
“I thought you’d like something light for now.”
“Thanks Demi.” I replied taking the bowl from her. It was just cereal. Okay. Demi rubbed my back and urged me to eat. I gave in and took a few bites. Followed by a few others. This went on until nothing was left. Demi’s smile grew wide as she hopped up to take my bowl to the kitchen. She returned and plopped down next to me wrapping me in a hug.
“I’m so proud of you baby girl. So proud.” She broke the hug and looked me in the eyes, “How do you feel?” Wow. I didn’t even know where to start with answering that question. Ashamed? Proud? Strong? Weak? I don’t know. I was all of those.
“Honestly? I don’t know. I feel ashamed because I ate, but at the same time proud. I feel strong because I finished the food, but also weak because I let myself give in to your urges.” Well, that’s that.
“That’s completely normal. I promise.” She reassured me. A faint smile spread across my face, but it was still weak. Demi looked at me and said, “Is there something bothering you?” Was there?
“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m just really confused.”
“About what, honey?”
“Myself. I’m driving myself insane..” Here I go. No stopping now, “There is like this constant battle in my mind between good and bad. Strong and weak. I have this one part of me that wants to be happy and I want to get better, but then the overpowering evil side of me always convinces me I’m not worth it. It isn’t worth the fight, because I’ll never recover. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t depend on cutting to solve my problems. I don’t know if I could part with it. Not now. I also have this part of me that loves you so much and couldn’t be more thankful for what you’ve done, but again with my evil side I am convinced you don’t really care. You just feel sorry for me. I don’t know who to believe or what to do. I’m torn.” To my surprise Demi looked as if she understood every word I had just said. She knew exactly how I felt and I knew that for a fact.
“I know that it’s hard, trust me I know. You have to fight for this. You have to tell yourself that you’re not that evil side of you. I know you don’t think you can function with cutting, but you need to know that you’re not your scars. You’re a beautiful, kind, caring girl with so much potential. I am not going to tell you it’s easy, but I promise the satisfaction in the end is worth it. And, as for the part with me. I am going to tell you this again. I care about you so much. If I didn’t you wouldn’t be sitting here with me right now. I would do absolutely anything to help you, and I mean that with all of my heart.” When she finished she bent down and kissed my forehead.
“Thank you Demi. Can you promise me that you won’t leave? That you’ll be there for me every step of the way?”
“I promise.” I just smiled at her response unsure of what to say. I decided that the silence was okay. It was a comfortable silence. Demi pulled me as close to her as possible.
5 minutes couldn’t have passed before the doorbell rang. Demi jumped up.
“I’ll get it!” She squealed. I giggled at her enthusiasm. I followed closely behind her to the door. The door opened, “Marissa!”
“Demetria!!” I recognized the person standing in the door. Marissa Callahan. Well known as Demetria Devonne Lovato’s best friend. I saw Demi glare at Marissa for the use of her full first name. It was quite funny actually.
“And, you must be the famous Skylar that Demi here won’t shut up about. Nice to meet you!” I could get used to her.