WE NEED TO TALK
( part 2 )
WORD COUNT 2K
OVERVIEW namjoon just wants to help hoseok ( tw: homophobic slurs & anorexia - it's a major theme, please don't read if you could get triggered, i love you )
PLAYLIST neverland / holland, serendipity / pjm, love / kendrick lamar
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THE NURSE'S ROOM was horrible. the smell of bleach and medicine made namjoon want to hurl as he sat with his head in his hands, his knee bouncing with anxiety. the nurse and chanyeol were talking inside her office, namjoon able to hear the nurse's soft voice, while hoseok lay on a bed a few feet away from namjoon, still unconscious.
namjoon was worried, namjoon was so worried, he just wanted hoseok to be okay. from the one side of the conversation he could hear, the nurse was concerned about how much food hoseok was getting. when the door from her office opened, namjoon knew she was going to question him about it too. he looked up, eyes stinging with tears, and the nurse crouched down to his level.
"mr. kim?" she asked, gentle. "you're friends with mr. jung, right?"
"yes," namjoon nodded, hands grabbing at his hair and pulling, just wanting to know if hoseok was alright. "is he gonna be alright?"
the nurse pursed her lips, looking solemn. "he's underweight, malnourished, and dangerously skinny. he's under two hundred pounds, mr. kim. has he been eating a lot?"
namjoon shook his head, biting hard at his lip. "he-he ate last night, with me, but it was just snack things. i haven't seen him eat anything in ages. and he dances a lot."
the nurse sighed. "i'm going to send chanyeol to get some food for him, when he wakes up. i want you to try and tell him, gently, that he isn't healthy, and that he needs to eat. can you do that?"
namjoon nodded. "i can try, i-i think." his voice was shaky, cracking as he tried to hold back tears. the nurse nodded and said something to chanyeol, namjoon not being able to hear past the static noise in his brain. everything seemed to be too much; the lights were too bright, the nurse's voice too loud but not loud enough, namjoon's heartbeat too fast and his breathing too heavy. the nurse passed him a glass of water and he gulped it down gratefully, wiping away the sweat that had formed on his forehead.
"i'm going to go eat lunch, okay mr. kim? i'll leave you and mr. jung alone." the nurse told namjoon. he nodded, and then watched as chanyeol and the nurse left the room. once he was left alone, he stood up and walked over to where hoseok lay, tears pooling in his eyes, his chest physically aching with anxiety.
"h-hyung," he said, his voice shaky, completely aware that hoseok couldn't hear him. "hoseokie-hyung, i know you can't h-hear me, and that t-this is probably p-pointless, but i-i... please wake up, hyung," namjoon choked on an unwanted sob, a tear falling from his eye. "i w-want to help y-you, i want to m-make sure you eat and h-help you recover. i k-know it's gonna b-be hard, but you ne-need to do it, hyung. please."
hoseok stirred a little, groaning, and namjoon felt a brief flutter of relief in his tight chest. the older boy's sunken eyes opened slowly, gazing blankly up at namjoon, his dry, chapped lips opening in confusion.
"n-namjoon?" his voice was so frail, just like the rest of him, and namjoon's chest tightened again, a lump in his throat. "w-what happened, why are we in the nurse's office?"
namjoon wanted to cry from relief, but he held himself together for hoseok's sake. "you, uh, you p-passed out, hyung."
hoseok blinked, looking confused.
"you passed out from malnutrition and lack of food," namjoon explained, watching how hoseok's expression changed to one of fear as he spoke the word 'malnutrition'. "th-the nurse said y-you're dangerously underweight, h-hyung."
"i-i'm fine, i'm n-not underweight," hoseok blurted out, beginning to babble. "i just h-haven't been eating... because of school, and exams, you know how it happens, namjoon, i just forget!" he was defensive, but namjoon knew it was all lies. exams didn't stress you out so much that you didn't eat until your ribs stuck out and you passed out.
"hyung, please," namjoon pulled a chair over to sit down, deciding to be as friendly and caring as he could. "how much do you weigh?"
"a hundred and fi-fifty pounds," hoseok bluffed, pulling himself into a sitting position and crossing his arms over his chest protectively. "i'm fine, namjoon."
"tell me the truth, hoseok," namjoon said, clenching his jaw slightly as to not lash out. "i want to help you."
hoseok mumbled something unintelligible, and namjoon asked him to repeat it. the elder stared down at his shoes, greasy hair falling into his face.
"o-one hundred and f-fifteen p-pounds. i w-weigh one h-hundred and f-fifteen pounds."
namjoon inhaled sharply. hoseok was so skinny, so light, so unhealthy. he remembered picking him up; it was like carrying a child, not a boy of hoseok's age. the older boy looked ashamed, his cheeks burning as he played with his fingers.
"hyung, look at me," namjoon said, causing hoseok to look up, his eyes so empty and sad. "i... i know you probably have what you call a justification for this... but you're not healthy, hoseok. you're dangerously underweight. a-and i want y-you to be healthy. i want you to get better. p-please hyung."
"i don't wanna, namjoon," hoseok almost whimpered, biting on his lip so he wouldn't cry. "i-i've worked so h-hard, i n-need to c-continue-"
"continue until what, hyung?" namjoon retorted, not in a mean way, his voice gentle and soft. "until you're skeletal? until you're hospitalised and told you have to stay with a bunch of people who barely resemble people, having food forced into you? is that what you want?"
hoseok shook his head harshly, tears beginning to fall from his onyx eyes. namjoon carefully embraced the boy into a hug, letting hoseok cry into his shoulder. they had a long way to go, but namjoon knew hoseok could do it. he was stronger than he knew.
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HOSEOK LOOKED AT THE PLATE of food in front of him with an expression of disgust and loathing. namjoon's actual decent friend seokjin had cooked it for him, but that wasn't the reason he looked at it the way he did. he was adding up the calories that there was in mashed potatoes, broccoli and chicken nuggets, and how much fatter it'd make him.
namjoon sat across the table from hoseok - they were in namjoon's apartment he shared with jackson wang, one of the jocks - and namjoon had the same food as hoseok, albeit a bigger portion. the two had made a meal planner for hoseok; it contained how many calories, nutrients and etc hoseok needed to eat each day, and which foods were best. the meal in front of hoseok was full of carbs and nutrients, but hoseok was just trailing his fork around the small mound of mashed potato like a child.
"hyung," namjoon said carefully, looking at hoseok. "you don't have to eat the whole thing. but eat the potato. it's apparently a really good food for people trying to recover from anorexia. plus it's delicious."
for a month it had been like this; eating food that corresponded with the chart, namjoon gently coaxing hoseok into eating, and then making sure the older didn't throw up because the food was too much for his fragile system, or making sure that hoseok wasn't making himself vomit to rid his system of it. hoseok had gained half a pound already, and he hated it, but he pushed on, for namjoon's sake.
scooping a bit of the potato onto the fork, hoseok carefully guided it to his mouth. it tasted amazing, buttery and fluffy and full of calories, but it might as well have been cotton wool to hoseok. he swallowed it down, reaching for the glass of water in front of him, and namjoon smiled, his eyes crinkling up.
"there you go," he smiled. "wasn't too hard. the broccoli is also really good."
hoseok managed to make his way through the mashed potato and half the broccoli, but he avoided the chicken nuggets like the plague. when he decided it was enough, he drank down the last of his water and watched namjoon eat the last of his food, the younger boy looking very cute. he was dressed comfy, in an oversized blue t-shirt and grey sweats, round glasses on his nose and his silvery hair messy, a slight bit of his acne visible on his tanned skin.
hoseok had come to terms with the fact that he liked namjoon. the younger boy was an amazing person, it was clear in everything he was doing for hoseok. hoseok hadn't heard mia at the back of his head for the entire time he'd been practically living with namjoon, but she returned when he returned to his own dorm. he ignored her, drawing and playing music loud enough to block her out.
"namjoon-ah?" hoseok said as namjoon finished loading up the dishwasher, the tanned boy looking up.
"yes, hyung?"
"i-i think i'm ready to tell you. about why i do this." hoseok said quietly. namjoon's expression changed to a more serious one, and he nodded.
"o-okay. um... go sit on the couch, i'll be right there."
hoseok did as he said, the caramel couch comfortable as he sunk into it's cushions. he played with the hem of his oversized hoodie as he waited for namjoon, and he looked up when the other sat beside him, feeling confident enough to tell namjoon. namjoon wouldn't insult him, wouldn't turn away because of this. he hadn't left him before, he wasn't going to now.
"s-so, when i was younger, my aunt and my mom owned a dance studio, where they taught dance classes," hoseok didn't look namjoon in the eye, instead focusing on his own hands. "i was ten when my mom took me there, because i was ill and couldn't stay at home alone.
"i sat in the corner of the studio, and i watched the girls dance. ballet, the class was. i remember it so vividly, joon... chopin was playing, and i remember wanting to learn it so badly. i wanted to bend and contort like they did, i wanted to be so elegant that i resembled a leaf fluttering in the breeze.
"by the time i was sixteen, i was taking dance classes with my aunt everyday after school. my first year of highschool came around, a-and i was c-chubby, w-which gave the bullies a justification for shoving me down the stairs, or locking me in a closet for four hours, where i couldn't move and there was spiders and fuck-"
namjoon patted hoseok's back carefully. "it's okay, hyung."
hoseok breathed in deeply. "they called me a fat fucker, the l-lardass fairy, the fatass dancing f-f*ggot. they even made up a fucking song for me, they'd sing it every time i walked down the halls. "here comes the dancing f*ggot, come on jung, show us what you got, you're so fat your boyfriend can't even see your cock"."
"i went home after the day they pushed me down the stairs, and i didn't go to dance practice. i spent three hours making myself t-throw up. i j-just wanted to look n-nice, namjoon, i w-wanted to b-be pretty," hoseok looked at namjoon through tears, the younger boy looking at him with pity and sorrow in his eyes, brushing a tear from hoseok's cheek with his thumb. "i d-didn't mean for it to get so b-bad."
"i'm sorry hyung, i'm so sorry," namjoon leant his forehead against hoseok's, breathing deeply. "i can't believe you had to go through that. i'm so sorry."
"n-not like it's y-your f-fault." hoseok stuttered. namjoon shakes his head, taking hoseok's hand in his.
"listen to me, hyung," he said, their eyes meeting. "i want you to know that you're gorgeous. never mind what those bullies said, never mind what the scale says. you're gorgeous, and you're going to get more gorgeous the more weight you put on, because you'll be healthy.
"and i want you to know that i love you, okay? i know you're probably not ready for a relationship, and that's okay. because i love you just as much platonically as i do romantically," namjoon smiled, which made hoseok smile. "and i'm gonna help you through this every step of the way."
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*ugly sobbing*
i just.... rlly love namseok ok... nd namgiseok too bruh that's my sHIT
also !!! read FRUITYJJK's new book, 'company' bc her writing is the good good™ nd she's an amazing person in general
peace ✌
- jace