Chapter Seventy-Three
Dani
Eli stays with me Sunday night, but he leaves for work at 6am, so I'm left on my own until Dr. Stone pops in to check on me. I have to admit, I am apprehensive about him being in my hospital room without Eli here, but the feeling has to fight through the drugs, meaning it can't surface too much.
Dr. Stone checks my vitals and my IV before pulling up a chair. He says, “I think now is a good time to fill you in on what's going on. Eli says you still don't remember what happened, and that I can't influence your thinking about that. But I do need to fill you in on your condition. Obviously, you're aware that you have broken both arms and your left leg. The leg fracture, was quite severe, so I don't think that will be able to come out of the cast just yet. Your arms may have healed and I'd like to have another set of x-rays done this afternoon to see if we can get rid of those casts. That'll give you much more freedom, but you will need to start some physiotherapy seeing as your muscles haven't been used in a few months. Ok?”
“Yes sir.”
“You were severely beaten, Danica, and you sustained multiple blunt forced traumas to your skull. You were also in surgery for 9 hours because you were shot in the abdomen twice. The damage to your internal organs was very severe and we had to perform a hysterectomy. I am so very sorry about that. I didn't tell Eli that piece of information. I thought it was something too personal to you and that you should inform him yourself, if you so wish. We had to give you a lot of blood and we lost you a number of times...”
I whisper, “I know.”
“You know?”
“Yes sir.”
“Did Eli tell you?”
“No sir. I just know. I can't explain how.”
He nods in understanding and then he continues, “As it stands, your wounds are healing nicely and we should be able to take your head bandage off by the end of the week...”
“Head bandage?”
“Yes. Can't you feel the bandage?”
A truth slips out before I can stop it, “I can't really feel much, to be honest.”
He frowns, “Maybe you're getting too many drugs. I will reduce the dosage and see how that works. You have a bandage on your head, because you had open wounds. We couldn't risk infection setting in, so we needed to keep it covered. I'll remove the bandage in a few days and see how the wounds look. If I feel that another bandage is needed, I will put one back on. Once you're a bit more mobile and we're not so concerned about the memory loss, then you should be able to go home. You will obviously need to be checked regularly, but you won't have to stay here. Do you need to ask me anything?”
“No sir. Not right now.”
“Ok. I'll leave you to rest, but if you do need anything, just buzz for the nurse. I'm sorry to have to give you the bad news about the surgery.”
“It's ok, sir.”
Dr. Stone leaves the room and I sit in a daze. I don't feel anything about the hysterectomy. I resigned myself to the fact that I will never have a family a long time ago. I don't ever want another man near me in that way, so that kind of rules out having children. Although, now that Eli is in my life, I feel like things are starting to change. I'm not suggesting that I'm ready to jump into bed with him, but I do feel like my life is making progress. If Eli is willing to stick around and wait for me, then I might just be able to share my life with this man. I'm not sure how much of me I can give him, but I don't know if I should be sad or relieved about the fact that I can no longer have children.
As I'm contemplating this, there's a knock on the door frame. My vision clears and I snap my head to the door. I groan in pain; that kind of sudden movement is definitely not a good idea.
“Hey darlin'.”
Ash sends me a dazzling smile and he asks, “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I give him a small smile, but I don't know if it looks more like a grimace. I'm still not used to this smiling lark.
“How you doing?”
“Ok. You?”
“I'll be better when you're out of here. Can we talk?”
I nod, not liking the sound of that.
“There's two detectives outside who want to interview you. They're investigating this case and they need to get your statement...”
My eyes widen in fear. I might be on some serious drugs, but they do nothing to mask the fear this time. I have no idea what they're going to ask me and I don't know how much detail they want from me. I don't want to give them my past. That's something that belongs to me and I shouldn't have to reveal that, especially to people Eli works with. They'll never look at him or me the same way if I speak those words.
Ash seems to read my fear, because he quickly says, “I'm going to be right here. Eli can't be here, for obvious reasons, so he asked me to sit in with you. Is that ok?”
I nod, not trusting my voice to actually say anything.
“You just have to tell them about the day you were attacked for the moment. They're not here to investigate anything else, ok?”
I let out a deep breath and now that's cleared up, I can find my voice again.
“Yes sir.”
“Ok, good. I'm going to show them in, but I'll be right here. I'll just sit at the end of the bed if you need me.”
I take a deep breath and whisper, “Ash?”
“Yes, doll?”
I can't believe I'm actually going to utter these words, but I quickly ask before I change my mind. “Do you mind to sit next to me please?”
He smiles warmly at me and nods, “Sure thing darlin'. I'll be right back.”
As he leaves the room, he shoots me a wink, but it's not a flirtatious or perverted kind of wink. It's a gesture that is sending a message to a friend. He understands my fear and he's glad I'm asking for his help. I don't know how I know that's what he means; I just do.
Once the two detectives are in my room, I feel like the space has drastically reduced and my breathing changes. Ash frowns at me and whispers in Spanish, “Calm down, darlin'. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I know I'm not Eli, but I will take care of you...”
I'm shocked that he knows Spanish and that throws the thoughts and fears from my mind for a few seconds. He chuckles, reading my mind, and says, “I spent a lot of time at Eli's when I was a kid. I picked up the language from them.”
I nod and glance at the detectives before returning my gaze to my bed sheets.
“Good morning Miss Romanov. My name is Detective Baker and this is Detective Jones. We'd like to ask you a few questions regarding your attack. Are you ok to answer some questions?”
I whisper, “Yes sir.”
“Ok, good. Can you tell us what happened leading up to the morning of December 26th?”
I frown for a few seconds, trying to think about that morning. I slowly start, “Eli was at his parent's house for Christmas dinner...”
“You didn't go?”
I see and feel Ash tense next to me and he quickly jumps in, “That's not relevant, Jones.”
“It might be. Could you answer the question please, Miss Romanov?”
I remember Eli telling me that if I pretend I'm not scared, then people won't see me as a push over. I try to be brave, so I sigh, “I don't like Christmas, so I didn't want to go.”
“Ok. Carry on.”
“Eli got home about 1am. We went to bed almost straight away...”
Jones pipes in again, “As in, you went to sleep straight away? Nothing else happened between you guys?”
I'm so shocked and disgusted by this question, that I can't actually say or do anything. I shut my eyes tight wishing this was all over. I don't want to do this anymore. It would have been easier if I'd died. I don't want to do this. I start panicking and I recite the periodic table in as many languages as I can. In the background, I can hear someone ask, “What is she doing?”
Ash's voice is slightly louder, because he's right next to me. “You scared her. Don't you know what she's been through? You got the doctor's report, so you should know she'd be scared. That was way over the line, man. Don't be such a jerk. You'll be lucky if I can calm her down enough for you to talk to her...”
As I'm starting my mantra from the beginning, I manage to hear Ash say, “Dani? Can you just listen to me for a second please? I need you to just stop and listen to me...”
I lower my voice, but I keep muttering under my breath. I can't stop myself from rambling.
“Good girl. These guys were out of line, and they know that now. They're going to behave themselves, but I need you to calm down and answer their questions. They'll go right after that, but if you don't speak to them now, they're just going to come back. You want to get this out of the way, don't you?”
I manage a nod, so he continues. “I'm right here and I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. You don't have to answer that question; Jones was being a jerk and he's sorry for that. He's going to behave himself, aren't you Jones?”
I hear Jones mutter, “Yes sir.”
“See, doll? He'll be good now. Can you calm down for me, please?”
I whisper, “Where's Eli?”
“He's at work. He's stopping by after his shift has finished.”
Tears fill my eyes, I just want Eli. I need Eli with me right now. As a tear slides down my cheek, I manage to croak out, “I want Eli. Please...?”
Ash looks torn and sad as he replies, “I'm sorry, darlin'. He's not allowed to sit in on the interview. It's a conflict of interests. You want to talk to him on the phone though? I can call him. I'm sure these two won't have any objections to that, right guys?”
He raises an eyebrow at them, but it's more like a challenge. Like he's daring them to argue.
Baker quickly says, “No, we don't have a problem with that. Go ahead Miss Romanov.”
I whisper, “My arms, Ash...”
He looks confused at first and then he seems to realize what I mean because he whispers, “I can hold my cell to your ear or I can put it on speaker.”
I take a deep breath, “Speaker.”
His eyebrows shoot up, shocked that I'd allow the two detectives to hear what we're going to say, but he doesn't know what I know.
Ash dials Eli's number and he says, “Hey LT. I've got Dani here. She wants to talk to you. I have to put you on speaker though, because of her arms.”
As soon as Ash lets Eli know he's on speaker, I hear Eli's deep voice filter through. Even his broken Russian sounds like music to me.
“Baby, you ok? What's going on?”
“Eli.... I'm scared...”
I'm overly aware of the three men just staring at me in shock as Eli and I have our full conversation in Russian.
“The detectives...”
“Did they upset you? The Cap and I told them to question you carefully. They were warned...”
I can here the growl in his voice, but surprisingly it doesn't scare me. Instead it makes me feel protected. Even though he's not here, he's still looking out for me.
“They asked me a bad question...”
He hesitates and I can almost see his brows furrow in confusion and worry. I wish I was brave enough to straighten those creases out. I don't like seeing him worried.
“Dani? Baby? What did they ask you?”
“They asked if... we went straight... to bed... that night...”
I'm sure I'm blushing furiously and not because I'm getting flushed at that thought. It's because I'm actually fighting back memories and the feeling of nausea that's washing over me. I can hear the blood whooshing in my ears and I barely hear Eli say, “Don't answer that. I've already answered all those kinds of questions. They're just trying to rattle you, to see if there's any truth to the stuff I've told them. Just tell them what happened and nothing else. Ok? I'll sort everything else out, but I need you to be strong and I need you to be brave. You have to put your foot down and tell them to mind their own freaking business when they ask questions like that. You going to be able to do that?”
The truth slips out before I can stop it, “No sir...”
Despite the situation, he chuckles a little. “I appreciate your honesty.”
“Eli?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I don't want to do this without you. I'm scared... Please can you come here?”
I hear him take a deep breath and I'm fighting back tears. I just need Eli. If he's here, I know that I'll be ok. I know that nothing can get to me while he's around.
“I'm so sorry, Dani. I'm not allowed to be there for the interview. I really am sorry. I tried, honestly I did, but it's procedure. I'm sure we've already broken far too many rules, but this one we really can't break. I am so sorry baby. I promise you that Ash will take care of you. Just pretend I'm right there and if you need anything, Ash is there. He won't let anything happen to you. Ok?”
I dejectedly whisper, “Yes sir.”
“I'll be there as soon as my shift ends, I promise. I'm sorry, sweetheart.”
“It's ok.” It's not really, but I'm being selfish again. I know he'd be here if he could, but he's not allowed. I need to stop being so selfish and be brave.
I hear Eli's voice say, “Ash, take me off speaker...”
I don't hear the rest of their conversation, but Ash just nods and says 'yes sir' a whole load of times. When he hangs up, he shoots me a smile and asks, “You ok now?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. Detectives, you be nice or I'm going to walk you out. I'm not having you upset Dani again.”
Baker continues, “What happened next?”
“Eli's cell rang around 3am, I think. It was the Captain letting him know about the bomb scare.”
“Did you go into work with him?”
“No sir. The Captain said I needed to stay and work from home because the precinct was swarming with people...”
The detectives frown and Jones asks, “Is that normally what you do?”
“I haven't been there when we've had a call like that.”
He turns to Ash and asks, “Is that normal procedure?”
“I don't know. Dani's job is a threat analyst, but she works some serious magic with computers so the Cap uses her skills whenever he can. There was no real reason for Dani to be in the precinct, because that's not her job.”
Baker nods, “Ok. So what happened after that, Miss Romanov?”
I frown and try to think. “I think I was helping the team look for devices. I was sitting by my computer, I think.”
“You think?”
“Yes sir. The details are a bit hazy.”
“Just tell us what you remember.”
I take a deep breath and continue, “I think I heard a noise outside, but I don't know for sure. I was feeling paranoid, so I grabbed my gun. I remember that. Next thing I know, I'm in so much pain. Then everything goes dark.”
I surprise myself by staying calm through this recount of events. I thought I'd actually have images flash through my mind and I'd freak out. But nothing happens. I don't remember any more than I did before the detectives appeared, which I'm thankful for. If I remember something, I want Eli here and not some unknown detectives.
Jones interrupts my thoughts as he asks, “Is that it? That's all you remember?”
He looks like he doesn't believe me, but I quietly say, “Yes sir.”
Ash senses my discomfort because he looks at the detectives and says, “She has amnesia. The doctor thinks it's from the shock, but they're looking into the possibility it's from the damage done by the head trauma.”
“Miss Romanov, if you are scared and you need protection, we can arrange that. If you have good information, you can go into Witness Protection and we can keep you safe...”
I look at Detective Baker like he's not speaking the same language as me. There's a moment of complete silence while I try to process what Baker has just said and while I presume Ash is checking to see what my reaction to this.
Eventually, I manage to whisper, “I'm sorry, sir. I don't remember. I can't help you. Sorry.”
Baker nods, and says, “Well, I'll leave my card here and if you remember anything, please call right away. We don't want these guys to get away with what they did to you.”
“Yes sir.”
I don't look up again, but I assume the two detectives leave because Ash asks, “You ok, doll?”
“Yeah.”
“Sure? You don't seem ok.”
I decide to just bite the bullet and ask him what's on my mind. Surely I can't hurt anymore than I already am.
“They don't believe me, do they?”
He sighs, “No, probably not. They've spoken to Dr. Stone and he told them about your amnesia, but you have to realize, these guys are looking for a result. They want to close their case. Of course they want to catch these guys, especially because we're all breathing down their necks. But they also just want to get one of their cases closed and off their desks. We want to know what happened. We've got the evidence and the science stuff, but the only people who know what went down in that room are you and those guys. Until you remember what happened, we're kind of stuck, trying to find people that we have no idea who they are or where they're from.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Hey, it's not your fault. Ok? You just get better and then I'm sure you'll get your memory back. We can get these guys, we just need your help.”
“Ok.”
He's quiet for a few minutes and I know he wants to ask me something. I don't want to start the conversation, because he's obviously wary of bringing it up.
He sighs, rubs his hands over his pants, and clears his throat.
“Dani? What's going on with you and Eli?”
My eyes widen and then I remember this hurts so I close my eyes for a few seconds to allow the pain to subside.
“What do you mean?”
“He's worried about you. He thinks you blame him. He says you're not acting like yourself and you're distant again.”
Before I can stop myself, I ask, “He told you that?”
I'm shocked for two reasons. One, I actually showed some form of disgust on this and two, because Eli actually talked to Ash about me.
Ash's hands shoot up defensively and he quickly says, “Don't freak out or anything. He didn't give me any details, he's just worried and he didn't know who else to talk to. He knows I've only got both of your best interests at heart and he didn't think you'd want him to say anything to his pops. He's worried, darlin'. He doesn't know what's going on with you and that scares him. He's used to reading you, but now he can't and that worries him. You want to talk to me about it? I won't tell Eli anything if you don't want me to. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone else. I'd like to think you trust me at least a tiny bit...”
I contemplate this thought and I actually do trust Ash to some degree. If I didn't, I wouldn't have him in my room right now. I know that I can't exactly go anywhere to get away from him, but I'm not freaking out right now and if I wanted to have him removed, the nurses would make him leave.
I whisper, “I do.”
He shoots me a dazzling smile but then he turns serious again, “What's going on, darlin'?”
I take a deep breath and ask the thing that's been bugging me since I woke up, “Who found me, Ash?”
I don't think he was expecting this question because he looks a little shocked, but he covers it quickly.
“Eli did.”
I nod and stare at the blankets. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Obviously, I am more comfortable with Eli, but if he found me, then he knows more than I do. That means he saw what state I was in. I have no idea what state that was and that bothers me. I don't know what happened on that day and that scares me. I can't bear to ask him what happened. I don't want the embarrassment of voicing that, so I want to remember what went on. Ash's voice snaps me back to reality.
“Dani?”
“Sorry.”
“What's going on in that head of your's?”
“Just confused... Did he... tell you about it?”
“Not really. He just said he found you pretty beat up. He left out the details and then after we sorted out the bomb scare I hurried down here. Have you spoken to him about it?”
“No sir...”
“You should. He won't talk to anyone else about it...”
“I can't...”
I hate how broken I sound, but the thought of bringing this up with Eli frightens me. I don't want to know what he saw. I don't want to be even more embarrassed and nervous around him.
“You should know that you can talk to him about anything. He wants to you talk to you, but he's not sure if you're ready to approach that subject. He's scared, Dani. I know he won't tell you that, so I'm doing it for him.”
I'm shocked by this admission. Eli is never scared.
“Scared?”
“Yep. He's scared he's going to lose you all over again. He worries that you'll go back to how you were before, when you didn't trust him. He doesn't want you to be frightened of him again, so he's doing everything he can to not disturb what you've got now. He doesn't need to tell me any of this. I've known the guy since we were in diapers. I know you may not want to do it, but you need to talk to him. I promise you he won't think of you any differently...”
Before I can stop my mouth from opening, the words fly out, “But I will...”
“You will look at yourself differently?”
He seems confused, but the stupid brain/mouth filter isn't working again and now that I've started it doesn't look like he's going to drop the matter.
I mumble, “Never mind.”
“No, uh-uh. You don't get to do that now you've confused me. If you want to talk, just say it. I'm not going to lose my rag or tell Eli. I'm here to help, remember? If you need to get it out there without Eli knowing, then I'll just sit here and listen. If you want my advice, I'll even try to give that too. Just talk to me...”
I sigh and think of how to begin. Slowly I start, “I don't know what happened, Ash. I don't remember and that is killing me. I can remember every single moment in my whole life, but I don't have a clue what happened in those moments....”
“Hold up. You can remember every moment of your life?”
I feel my cheeks tinge with pink and my face feels like it's on fire as I nod. I just assumed he knew about my memory.
He lets out a breath, “How is that even possible?”
I gasp, “You don't know?”
“Don't know what?”
“I just assumed he had told you...”
I start a ramble in Russian, which is only stopped by Ash raising his voice as he calls my name.
I cringe and shrink back, hearing his sharper tone. It's not that I think he's particularly going to hurt me, it's just a habit. It's now that I notice the difference in drugs. Dr. Stone reduced the dose of my drugs this morning and I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself, meaning I'm starting to panic. The feeling doesn't have to struggle so much to get through the drug haze.
Ash instantly apologizes for scaring me, “Sorry darlin', but you weren't hearing me. What don't I know?”
“My memory?”
“What about your memory? Am I being particularly dumb here? Should I be worried that I've missed something?”
I whisper, “I have a photographic memory...”
“You have a... what?”
“A photographic memory...”
“Dude...”
He draws out the word, expressing his shock. He thinks for a few minutes and I'm freaking out right now. I can see the wheels turning inside his head and I can't take the silence anymore, so I whisper, “Please say something...”
“Wow, just wow. I don't even know what to say about that. That's completely thrown me for a loop. I certainly wasn't expecting that. That explains a lot...”
Here come the questions about my past and how it's no wonder I freak out and can't move passed everything, etc etc.
“Is that why you're so good with computers? You like some genius or something?”
His line of questioning has derailed my thought pattern so much, that I actually answer him truthfully, “Yes sir.”
His eyes light up, “You're seriously a genius?”
“Yes sir.”
“You been tested?”
He realizes how awful that question sounds, but I know he would be laughing at his comment if the guys were around.
“Sorry, that sounded pretty bad. I meant have you had an IQ test or anything.”
“Yes sir. When I was a child. My poppa took me. I've also taken other tests myself.”
“That's pretty cool, you know that, right?”
I shoot him a look, “You're kidding me, right?”
“No, I'm not. I know it can't be easy with some of the stuff you've been through, but your mind is an amazing thing. That explains a lot. Eli wasn't wrong when he said you're special. So, you can't remember what happened. Is that really a bad thing? I mean, I know it doesn't help us find the guys who did this, but it also doesn't completely rule it out. We'll find them some other way if we have to...”
“It's not that...”
“Then what?”
I sigh, and my poppa's words float through my mind. He asked me what I would change and I told him it would be all of the lies. Now is as good a time as any to stop pretending. I decide I need to be a bit more truthful with Ash, and to try to stop pretending that I'm all ok.
“I'm embarrassed and nervous. I'm not comfortable with a lot of normal things, that people take for granted. I don't want to ask Eli how I was when he found me because I don't want the embarrassment of finding out how awful it was. I know better than anyone what these people are capable of and I don't want to put Eli or myself through the pain or embarrassment of having to explain that.”
I'm rambling, I know that, but Ash just listens to everything I say without interrupting or judging me. He nods in understanding.
We're silent for a while and then he speaks, “Dani, I can't even begin to know what you've been through or how you cope with it all, but I do know that Eli really cares about you. You're good for each other. And I do know that he can and will help you, as long as you let him. He will do whatever you need to get through this. He might not tell you what happened, because of the investigation, but he might surprise you and tell you what you need to know without the embarrassment. I'm not expecting you to reveal everything to me, but I do want you to know that you can talk to me if you ever feel like you can't talk to Eli. Ok?”
“Yes sir. Thank you.”
He shoots me a boyish grin and a wink before rubbing his hands over his face. “I have to get back to work, I'm afraid. You going to be ok?”
“Yes sir. I'm feeling a bit tired now...”
“Get some rest. Eli will be here before you know it.”