My pillow is wet and sticky as I can't stop crying my eyes out into it.
She did it. She really did it.
I all but scream into my pillow at the thought.
She left me because she needed space. How could she do that? How could she leave ME and not understand why I did it? Faith always understands. She always knows exactly why I do the things I do, sometimes even before I know why I do them. So why didn't she understand now? Why couldn't she just understand what I was trying to do and love me for it? Why is this time any different? I just don't understand.
There's a gentle hand on my shoulder all of sudden, but it's not the hand that I want to be touching me.
"I'm so sorry Dawn."
Doing my best to wipe the tears off my face with my sleeve, I hold back the tears long enough to pull my head up off my pillow and look up at my sister.
I don't even know what to say to that. She looks so sad for me, like she pities me or something.
"Can I do anything?"
All I do is drop my face back into my pillow.
"I can make you some tea or something. It might make you feel better."
She wants to make me tea?
"No."
"Are you sure? It could make you feel a lot better. I know it always helps me when I'm not in the best mood."
"I don't want any stupid tea."
Silence hits my bedroom for a while and I can feel the tears coming back.
"I think we have some cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. You know how much you like cookie dough ice cream. I'll go get some if you want."
God, can't she just shut up already?
"No, just go away already."
"I'm sorry Dawnie... I just can't stand to see you like this. It's been days since you had that fight with Faith and you're still hurting. I want to do something to help."
I breathe into my pillow heavily.
"You can't help. No one can help. Just go away."
The only one who can help is Faith, and she's not coming anywhere near me.
A soft hand starts playing with my hair, combing it out a bit.
"Dawn, I know it feels that way now, but it won't always. Things will get better with time."
Some how that doesn't make me feel any better.
"And I know that doesn't help much. But you said yourself that Faith said she didn't want to break up with you."
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
"So?"
"Well, if she doesn't want to break up with you, then that means you're still together. And if you're still together, then maybe if you wait things out, she'll come back and tell you how sorry she is for doing what she did to you and you'll get back together. Just like old times."
Yeah right, like that'll happen.
"Right, because things always worked out that way for you."
Silence follows my words and I think for a second that she'll leave me alone now. Until, she takes a deep breath and opens her damn mouth.
"Dawn, I know that you're upset right now, but this isn't about me and my relationships. If you want me to, I'd be willing to talk to Faith for you. See if I can get her to change her mind."
Is she trying to interfere again?
"No... I don't want you doing anything that could make things worse. You do that enough already."
"Well, you never know. It might actually work."
Can't she shut up now?
"Right, because you're completely impartial and wouldn't get ANYTHING out of it."
Buffy doesn't say anything for a second.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, it doesn't matter."
There's a long moment of silence for a while before Buffy finally breaks it.
"You know, I know you said that you didn't want any, but I think you could really use some ice cream right now. I'm gonna go get you some."
Good, that means she can go away and leave me alone for a while, stop trying to make things better.
"Whatever..."
I feel Buffy get up off my bed and hear footsteps away from me.
"Okay, I'll be right back."
She finally leaves me alone in my room and I feel a little bit better.
Thank god she's gone. I only wish she wasn't coming back. Ice cream isn't going to make me feel any better than the piece of crap I feel like right now. Faith left me. It doesn't matter if it's only temporary, or permanent, she left me. I'd need something a hell of a lot stronger than ice cream to make this sick feeling in my stomach go away. And Buffy would never let me have any of that. Not willingly anyway.
Faith would. But that's because she trusts me. Or at least, she used to. She doesn't anymore. If she trusted me and really loved me, she would've understood why I didn't tell her about the demon and let it go. But she didn't. She doesn't trust me enough to think that I might know what's best. After all this time and being together for over a year... after all the ways I've proven how mature and responsible I am... Faith still thinks of me like some stupid little kid who needs to be protected and lead by the hand through everything. A kid who needs to be taught right from wrong.
Pulling myself up from my bed, I cringe at the ache in my muscles from lying here, crying for the past few hours.
But I'm not some stupid kid anymore. And ice cream isn't what I want to make me feel better. I'm not just gonna sit around and eat something I don't want. I'm gonna go out and get what I really want.
Quietly, I make my way over to the window and start opening it with as little noise as I can make.
It's a good thing I never took off my shoes when I came in here. Buffy might've heard me otherwise.
As soon as the window is open enough, I climb my way out.
I really need a drink.
* * *
I bring the shot glass up to my lips and hold it there for a second as I take a deep breath.
This is good.
Suddenly, I throw my head back and force the shot down my throat when I swallow it. The cold liquid stings my throat on the way down but it makes me feel better.
Ugh, I feel better already.
After taking a second to let the burning sensation in my throat and stomach die down some, I set the shot glass down next to the three other empty shot glasses I drank before.
I can almost not barely feel a thing that could resemble a bad feeling. And somehow knowing that is making me have a good feeling just a little bit.
The world gets a little blurry and I squeeze my eyes shut for a second to shake my head and let the blurriness pass.
Damn, I need more.
Reaching out with my hand, I grab my beer and hold the glass firmly between my fingers.
I have to make myself feel so good that I don't feel bad anymore. It's the only way to get this to go away.
My lips touch the cold of the glass and I gently turn my head upwards, tipping the liquid down towards my mouth. Every time my mouth gets full, I swallow it, feeling this warm feeling wash over me. Eventually, I bring the now half empty glass back down to the table.
Oh, yeah, that makes me feel so much better. Or at least, less worse than before.
For a while, I just stare down at my beer in my hands.
But I can still feel it. That horribly guilty feeling I've been feeling ever since I fought with Faith in the back room of the dojo. There has to be some way that I can make it go away.
"Hey..."
When I look up from my frothy and delicious thankfully mind altering beer, I see a guy standing next to my table smiling at me.
"Dawn, are you all right?"
Don't I know him from somewhere? Oh, right... Craig, I think.
"I'm... fine..."
The look on his face tells me he doesn't believe me.
"So, you're sitting alone with about 6 empty glasses of what I'm assuming isn't kool-aid, because you're fine."
Why did he have to come over? Oh wait, I don't care.
"Whatever..."
Somehow he takes that as his cue to slide into the booth next to me.
"What happened? And can I do anything?"
I shake my head no but the shaking makes the world go all wonky and I squeeze my eyes shut before stopping to get the world back to a semi-normal feeling.
"I'm fine..."
"You said that already. But you didn't answer my question. What happened?"
"None of your bus... business..."
He seems a little bit frustrated by hearing that and for some reason that makes me feel really good about myself.
"If you don't tell me what's wrong, then I'm not sure I can help."
I have to smile at that.
"That's.... kinda the point of not telling you. I, don't want your help. Go away."
The guy who hit on me once doesn't seem to take the hint.
"Well, I don't like the thought of leaving you sitting here alone and obviously drunk. Is Faith here with you tonight? Because if she comes back or I can see her then I'd be more than happy to leave you alone."
Hearing someone else say her name doesn't exactly make me feel better and I pick up my beer and take a good long sip of it before putting it down again. Meanwhile he starts looking around the club for Faith.
"No, she's not here tonight. That's kinda the problem."
He seems sad by that news.
"Oh, did you two have plans tonight that she cancelled?"
Yeah, right, cancelled plans...
"More like she cancelled our whole relationship..."
Craig doesn't say anything for a bit, the club music and people pounding around us. In the meantime, I take another long sip of my beer, enjoying the numb feeling it's starting to give me.
"Oh... I'm sorry. When did that happen?"
His question makes me scoff.
"If you ask her, it didn't."
There's a moment of silence for a while before he says anything.
"Uh, okay, I'm confused."
I can't help but chuckle at that feeling, lifting my beer close to my lips.
"We must have more in common than just chemistry then, because I know exactly what you're feeling."
Then I take a long drink of my beer, finally finishing off the glass. When I slam the empty glass down on the table, I get this bad feeling in my stomach.
Oh, that's not good.
"Well... I'm not exactly an expert on relationships since I've only had like one real one in my life, but my parents always taught me that the best thing to do when something goes wrong is talk about it."
Pfft, what a load of crap.
"Guess it's too bad I never had parents to tell me that then."
Craig doesn't say anything right away.
"Uh, okay, I don't really know what that's supposed to mean. But I still think it makes sense to try. Have you tried talking to her?"
Talk to her... whatever...
"Been there, done that... didn't really work out."
"Well... try again. Maybe this time it will."
Why is he trying so hard to help? Wasn't he hitting on me before?
"Weren't you the guy who hit on me and asked me out a couple weeks ago? Why are you trying to help?"
He holds up his hands defensively, and the movement kinda makes my head swim a bit.
"Hey, you know, I'm not about to stick my head in where it doesn't belong. It'd be really great, I admit it. But I'm kinda big on the whole loyalty thing. I don't want to get in the middle of a lover's quarrel. So instead I'm all for giving unsolicited advice. Go ahead, talk to her. Is she here?"
I scoff at him again.
"Yeah right..."
"Okay then... why not go talk to her?"
"Because..."
Apparently he doesn't take that as enough of a reason.
"Because why?"
Does he really want to know?
"Because no one ever listens to me... so, even if I wanted to... talk... she wouldn't listen."
I could talk until I'm blue in the... face, which wouldn't be too hard with the way I'm feeling... and she'd never hear a word I say.
Looking down at my empty glasses of what used to be good tasting alcohol, I kinda wanna punch something.
Fucking bitch... how could she do this to me? I can't make this feeling go away.
"I need another drink."
I shove him a little bit to get him out of the way.
"Get out of the booth so I can get another drink."
Before he has a chance to say or do anything, I shove him again, making him finally move.
"Move..."
He slides out of the booth and I follow him quickly.
"All right, fine, geez."
When I manage to get upright, I start feeling woozy and almost fall over. Thankfully, he catches me. His body pressed against mine protectively.
"Whoa... maybe you should be skipping the drinks for a while."
I slowly get my balance back.
Who the hell is he to tell me what to do? And why is he still holding me?
My hands find his shoulders and I push him away as much as I can.
"Let me go."
He lets me go and I step back as much as I can to get away, stumbling and almost falling again.
"And don't... tell me what to do."
Again he holds up his hands defensively.
"Okay, sorry I tried to help."
Then he turns around and starts walking away.
Why do people keep doing that to me?
Part of me wants to go and tell him not to leave.
That would make me pretty pathetic though. So screw him.
Even though I'm a little tipsy, I turn around and start making my way towards the bar.
I'm better off with drinks. At least they're guaranteed not to hurt me. They don't tell me I'm a bad person. Or that I made the wrong choices. They don't tell me not to do what I think is right... and they certainly don't tell me that they need fucking 'SPACE'.
Finally, I make it to the bar and lean against it, waiting for the bartender to come over.
God I just want to smack her for saying that. 'She needs space'. What a load of crap. And here I thought we could get through anything because we loved each other. I guess she didn't love me as much as I thought she did, which just makes me want to hurt her more. Or yell at her. I don't know. But I want to do something that'll make her feel as badly as I'm feeling right now.
The bartender comes up to me finally and I do my best to smile, acting like I'm not as piss drunk as I feel.
"What can I get ya?"
"Whiskey... straight..."
He looks at me for a second, trying to figure out just how drunk I am.
"Please?"
It takes him another few seconds to decide, but eventually he pulls out a whiskey bottle and a glass, pouring it in for me. When he's finished I pick up the glass, but what he says stops me from drinking.
"Enjoy it, because it's your last."
What?
Throwing my head back, I drink the whiskey down in one gulp, slamming the glass down on the counter.
"What the hell? Why?"
He stares at me for a while and the whiskey hits me like a ton bricks for a second.
"You're drunk off your ass. You've been here 2 hours and already you've had three shots and two beers. That whiskey isn't going to be doing you any favors... which means if you have any chance of going home under your own power, you're not drinking any more booze."
But... I still hurt.
"Well, I... I'm not drunk yet. I... I could have at least 3 or 4 more beers and be fine."
There's a look of obvious doubt on his face.
"Honest..."
"Look, whatever problem you're having, go home and solve it. Don't bring it here and hope it goes away at the bottom of a glass. Go home."
"But... I'm not done yet..."
"You are here."
The bartender then turns around and starts serving other customers.
God...
I pick up the glass still on the table and throw it at the bartender as hard as I can. He just barely sees it in time and ducks, letting it shatter on the bar.
Damn it... I... I need to get drunk.
"GIVE ME A DRINK!"
The asshole of a bartender then looks over my shoulder for a second and nods. A hand touches my shoulder and I turn around to see a very large, well muscled guy standing behind me in a 'Security' shirt.
"All right, I think you've had enough. Let's get you some air."
No...
"I don't want air. I want another drink. And this guy won't give me one."
"Probably because you just tried to bash his head in with a flying glass, now let's go."
He grabs me by both shoulders and I try and shrug him off but he's a lot stronger than I am. So I try harder.
"Look, I'm sorry. I'll... I didn't mean to I just... if you give me another drink, I'll be good."
The bartender ignores me.
"I-I'm sorry... please..."
I have to keep drinking to make the pain stop.
"Just... just give me another drink..."
There's suddenly a hand around my waist pulling me away from the table.
"Nope, come on now babe. You had your chance, now it's time to go."
I squirm as much as I can to get out of his grip but that only makes him wrap both arms around me and grip me tighter on his way to the door. A gust of cold air hits me and I look behind me to see the front door wide open and both of us heading for it.
"Please, I... I'm sorry... I'll... I'll pay for the glass. Just... let me have, another drink."
Then I get this sudden lurch in my stomach that has nothing to do with alcohol and I land face first into the pavement. My hands and knees don't do much to protect me, scraping my palms and knees on the pavement when I hit.
Fuck!
Rolling over and sitting on the pavement, I look up at the security guard staring at me.
"Go home already."
After that he turns around and closes the door behind him. The bouncer isn't too far away and he's trying not to focus on me, but other people standing in line to get into the club are looking at me. Some of them whispering to each other something I can't hear. And then all I feel is that horrible sick feeling in my stomach... making me want to cry.
How could she?
I can't hold them back anymore, and I just let the tears come.
How could she do this to me?