loving you was the most exquisite form of self-destruction...
warning: mentions of self harm and suicide.
dear edwin,
i don't know when i started to miss you. hell, i think i've missed you since the first time i saw you and just never stopped. i remember when you walked into that coffee shop on that rainy day and pulled off your hood exposing your raindrop filled hair and sparkling orbs. our eyes met but you looked away quickly with a blush coating your cheeks. you seemed nervous from the interaction so i thought that you weren't interested but i stood corrected when you came over asking if you could sit with me. your once white shoes scrapped my jean covered leg causing me to giggle while you smiled like a little boy who had just gotten a bike on his seventh birthday. i remember your smile; it was bright and beautiful and i could have sat there and entertained you all day just to see that smile again. it was pretty cliche when you think about the first time we met; it was the perfect beginning to an even more perfect love story and that's what it was for a little bit.
we grew close and met for coffee every morning before i went to work my shift at the library. you never told me where you worked and i just assumed you didn't. we were still young so i thought you lived with your mom but i never asked because i didn't want to intrude. i never wanted to intrude with you. i never asked personal questions because i didn't want to seem nosy but looking back on it i wish i did. i hope you didn't think i never cared because i cared so much, so much. i thought about how you were doing all the time and if you were sad or happy. i always wished you were happy but i was wrong about that too. i guess there was a lot of things wrong.
we never had sex. we never kissed accept when you kissed my forehead that one night after taking me to this small diner outside of town. we hugged all the time; we would just lay with each other while saying everything was okay. i would never have guessed that we were both sad people. you were sad because you weren't healthy and i was sad because i was selfish.
i'm sorry you weren't happy. i'm sorry you didn't love yourself. i'm sorry i couldn't be there. i'm sorry you didn't feel loved. i'm sorry you thought you weren't good enough. i'm sorry.
sorry is such an overused word i almost feel fake while using it. you could've told me everything and i wouldn't have judged you. you brought what little happiness i needed into my life and i feel awful for not being able to do the same. you are such a pretty boy i'm sorry you couldn't see it. you are such a pretty boy i'm sorry you left crimson lines on your wrist. i'm sorry you didn't think the world needed you; i needed you. fuck i still need you.
ernest hemmingway said "maybe you'll fall in love with me all over again."
maybe you will when we meet somewhere far away from here, maybe. i still stand by my instincts when i say we are soulmates; i hope you do too.
i'll leave this in the corner off the coffee shop where we first met so some stranger can read it maybe get to know you. i don't know is that lame?
i will never stop loving you and i know this sounds selfish but never stop loving me.
- y/n
a/n:
if you are suffering with suicidal thoughts just know that you're not alone. people love and appreciate you and if you don't think they do, know that i do! i love and appreciate every single one of you and so do the boys.
- camden kuwonu