i dunno if i like this chapter tbh it didn't come out the way i was expecting it to
slight trigger warning for panic attacks at the end
"So he was pissed! And I'm like, 'I'm sorry, but your kid's gonna learn as quick as she does. I can't drill it into her skull or something'. And he fuckin' flipped shit."
Awsten hears the ding of the bell as he steps through the door Otto's holding open for him. "And I just..."
"You okay?" Otto asks. His arm comes up to wind around Awsten's waist. Their relationship has dissolved into that, soft touches for subtle comfort. Otto held him and let him cry for weeks after the accident. He didn't move, didn't complain, just held Awsten tightly and let him break down. They've been close ever since. Otto is the only person he's ever felt this comfortable around.
Awsten bites his lip and nods. "Yeah... It just sucks, yknow? Makes you feel not good enough. No one should havta go through that..."
"He's gone," Otto says firmly, squeezing his waist. "He's never going to contact you again. And you are so much more than "just enough", Aws. He thought you'd never be able to live like this, but look at you. You're thriving. Provin' him wrong by the day."
"Do you have these rehearsed or something?" Awsten laughs, letting his head flop down onto Otto's shoulder. "Really though. M'okay. The world just sucks sometimes."
"You're allowed to be sad, y'know."
"I'm not sad," Awsten replies. "Just frustrated, I guess. Do you have plans with Grace tonight?"
"Stop tryna change the subject."
"Otto," Awsten deadpans. "I'm fine, okay? You don't needa cancel anything ta stay home with me. I'm fine." Otto does this a lot. He's overprotective and paranoid and it's usually something Awsten can just overlook because he knows he cares but today hasn't been a good day. It feels like every little annoyance is building, adding to the ball of frustration forming in his chest. Everything feels red. He wants to scream.
"We were supposed ta go out to dinner," Otto says. There's uncertainty in his voice. Hesitation. Awsten rolls his eyes and squirms out of his grip. He slides his cane out of his shirtsleeve and unfolds it, then loops the band around his wrist.
"My last session ended at 5:30." He reaches up to put a hand on Otto's shoulder. "You're gonna be late. Go."
"It's really fine Aws, I can cancel..."
"Get the fuck outta here before I beat you with this fuckin' cane."
"At least lemme walk you up to the apartment, jesus christ."
"Not like I haven't done that a couple thousand times or anything, no, I need your help."
"I'm staying," Otto says immediately. "You're not okay."
"I'm fine," Awsten grounds out through gritted teeth. "Stop treating me like I'm made of glass."
"Hey! Geoff? Over here!"
His heart starts to speed up. He clenches his hand on Otto's shoulder, tightens his grip as much as he can. "Otto..."
"He's walking toward us," Otto says. He pries Awsten's hand off his shoulder and grips it tightly. "There's a girl with him. I think it's his girlfriend. She's in some of the pictures online, I- hey guys!"
"Hey..." Geoff's voice is different. It has the shakiness it usually does, but he's recognizing the same uncertainty and hesitation Otto just spoke with. "What's up?"
"We're just headin' home," Otto answers. Awsten shifts his body so he can press against Otto's side. "I don't think we've met..."
"Oh yeah, sorry," Geoff says quickly. He sounds more frantic now. It's hard to decipher exactly, but it sounds like he's rushing, hurrying to finish what he's saying and leave the room. "This is my girlfriend, Chloe. Chlo, this is Otto and that's Awsten. They're Jawn's friends, yknow, the ones I told you about?"
"Yeah!" Her voice is soft. Light. Floaty-sounding. Otto prompts her into a conversation and they start talking animatedly. Awsten shifts uncomfortably and plays with the band on the end of his cane.
"I, um...sorry, yknow, about yesterday..." Geoff's voice is small. "I get kinda..." He trails off, ending the sentence in something incoherent.
"You're good," Awsten says. "But Geoff – and please don't lie to me – are you okay? Really?"
"Yeah." Geoff's reply is quick. Too quick. Awsten starts to say something else, but a new voice cuts him off.
"Babe, we're gonna miss the movie!"
"Oh..." The tonal shifts in Geoff's voice are so evident. Pronounced. He always notices the subtle changes, the various states of anxiety or sadness. The faster Geoff talks, the more anxious he is. His voice is barely there when he's sad or guilty. And when he's uncomfortable he just sounds distant, like he's on a completely different planet. "Yeah...we should go..."
"It was really nice talking to you guys," Chloe says. She sounds bright. You can practically hear the smile on her face. Her voice is vibrant. "We should definitely get lunch soon, before the babe leaves for tour."
"Yeah..."
"See you guys around!"
They bid Chloe and Geoff goodbye quickly. Geoff is quiet through the entire exchange, only speaking when Chloe prompts him to. Awsten grips his cane tighter. He exhales a heavy breath. His heart is racing in his chest and his head is spinning. He feels dizzy. He wobbles a bit, shifting to lean on his cane.
An arm wraps around his waist. "Do you want me to stay home?"
"...yeah."
...
"Are you sure we met the same Awsten?"
Geoff turns the key in the fob and pushes open the door to their apartment. He lets Chloe go in first, and then walks in behind her and shuts the door. "What do you mean?"
"You said he doesn't shut up," Chloe says. "He was really quiet. I thought Otto was the quiet one."
"He usually is," Geoff replies. "I guess Aws was just havin' a bad day? I dunno. Sometimes I'm quiet too."
He feels like he's going to throw up. The nausea is swelling at the pit of his stomach and blossoming up his esophagus. He didn't eat much popcorn at the movie, but now he's wishing he would so if he does end up puking his guts out it'll be something more than bile. That hurts like a bitch.
"You two've been hangin' out a lot." Chloe pulls off her jacket and toes off her shoes.
Geoff feels his heart sink, pressing down on the balloon of nausea. "Yeah, I'm...I'm sorry." He takes a step forward to pull her into his arms and presses his lips to the crown of her head. "I just...everything's a lot for me right now. I know we haven't done much and it's my fault and I'm so sorry. You deserve better."
"Hey." Chloe cups his cheek. "Don't say that. I love you. I just...I wish you'd talk to me, Geoff. I wanna help you, but I can't do that if you don't say anything."
I know what this is like. Maybe I'll be able ta help. But that can't happen if you don't talk to me...
He knows those words. He remembers those words. They sound different now. It feels like his skin is vibrating, like there are bugs underneath and they're trying to crawl their way out into the world.
"...please baby...don't do this again...you remember what happened last time, don't you?"
Chloe rests a hand on his chest and tilts her head to connect their lips. When his lips brush hers, he feels a shiver run through his body, traveling all over him and causing him to shudder away. "Geoff?"
"Sorry," he mumbles quickly. "I'm sorry."
He pulls at the collar of his shirt. The room feels like it's getting smaller. The walls are drawing in, closer and closer. Everything's hot it's coming closer there are spiders under his skin his throat feels like it's closing he can't get air there's no air left he's going to die he'sgoingtodiehe'sgoingtofuckingdie.
"Geoff? Are you okay? What the fuck is going on?"
He's seeing stars. The edges of his vision are fuzzy and black. The dizziness is washing over him, one tsunami wave and multiple aftershocks to follow.
He feels far away.
Everything's far away.
He doesn't remember anything else.