I'm woken up at 5:45 this morning. Last night wasn't a dream. I still like Ashton. I still don't like girls. The thoughts make me upset and I don't want to feel the things I'm feeling. I go through the motions of getting ready for weigh-in without paying much attention, and within record time, I find myself in and out of the room nurse Becky weighed me in.
Today seems harder than other days, probably because my self hatred is at its highest with this epiphany about myself. I go back to my room and throw myself on my bed. A few minutes later, Steven comes in with a smile on his face.
"Stop smiling," I tell him.
"Why?"
"I'm miserable," I indulge.
He walks over to my bed and sits next to my body. "Why, what's going on in the mind of Luke Hemmings today?"
I blurt it without even thinking about it. "How did you know you were gay?"
It's no secret that Steven is gay. He's told us during group therapy, how he use to get bullied in school for it and how the emotional scars never really healed. It's sad, honestly. No one should be bullied for who they are.
"Uh, it's a little early for a deep conversation," he chuckles, "but I sort of always knew. It was just something I always was. Girls weren't attractive to me, and I had an eye for boys. Why do you ask?"
I grow silent, not saying anything back to his questioning gaze. He fills the silence with his words and they make my heart hurt. "Are you unsure about your sexuality?"
I throw my pillow at the wall in anger. "I'm pretty fucking sure about it now." It seems I can't hold back, because I'm spilling everything to Steven. "I think I like my best friend, and I couldn't hate myself more for it. I mean come on, I'm suppose to like girls!"
"Who says you're suppose to like girls?" he asks me sadly.
"Me," I state angrily.
"Sounds like you have internalised homophobia," he says to me.
"I'm not homophobic," I say turning to him.
"You sound like you are to yourself. It's okay for everyone else to be gay, except for you?"
"Whatever," I mumble, thinking about how his words couldn't be more true, and get up to grab my pillow. "Maybe I can just change myself. Force myself to not like Ash and just go out with a girl," I think out loud.
"That's not fair to you Luke, you deserve better than that. And it wouldn't be fair to any girl. You should accept yourself for who you are. So what if you like your best friend? So what if you don't like girls? Does that really matter?"
I think it over. Does it really matter? I grew up on the belief that in my life, I'd end up with a woman. This is only a small change in my life, does it really matter?
"What if people judge me for it? My life is on display to people, I literally put myself on a stage for everyone to see. And what if it effects the bands image? What if we lose fans?" I start to hyperventilate from the anxiety racing through me.
"Breathe Luke, you're fine. Just breathe," Steven reminds me. It takes a minute for my breathing to get under control but once it is, I feel calmer.
"Maybe it doesn't matter," I tell Steven, not fully believing myself.
"It doesn't change who you are as a person. You're still Luke inside. You've only discovered a new part of yourself, and that's great," he tries to convince me.
"I'm gonna need a lot more pep talks, hopefully you don't mind. I feel like I'll keep hating myself for this for a while," I say sadly.
He throws an arm around me. "Always here if you need me," he says happily.
~
A week passes and things have changed. Oh man, have things changed.
Steven is getting discharged in a week or two. That would leave me without a room mate and a close friend. I'm not sure how I feel about him leaving. He's helped me a lot with my eating disorder and depression. He's always encouraging me to try my best and is there for me when I need him. It's going to be hard without him here. But I still have Sammy, Olivia, and Tori.
Speaking of Tori, she has joined our friend group. Apparently she isn't an obsessed fan, but a casual fan. She found out about the band because she's a fan of One Direction. She heard we were their opening act and looked us up. She knows each of us by first and last name and what we look like, but that's the extent of her knowledge about us. It's reassuring, it makes me feel less anxious around her. I've taken a real liking to her, feeling just as close to her as the others even though it's been only a few days.
Another thing is that I got a meal pass off unit. This means that I could go out for a meal - patients usually choose lunch I've heard - instead of being inside the center like usual. It's designed to challenge you, to see if you can handle eating in real life situations and not use eating disorder behaviours.
I failed my meal pass, not having any food. I went with my mum to a diner and cried the whole time. She held once we got to the car and cried herself. I came back to the treatment center and went straight to my room, only coming out for round two of lunch - which was two and a half supplements since they didn't supply me with a meal - and dinner that I only half finished, meaning I had to take another supplement.
That was a really bad day. I felt like a failure. But I talked about it in group and to my therapist and they all assured me that I wasn't a failure, it just meant that I needed more support.
I also came out to everyone during a group one day. The self hatred was at a high that day and I spilled everything about liking my best friend and all the self hatred I felt towards myself. They told me I have nothing to be ashamed of and that this is just who I am, and that's not a bad thing. They made me realise that - for me - it's okay to like guys.
The next day when my family visited, I told them. I was most worried about their reactions, so I wanted to get it over with. I should have known they'd be fine with it though, they love me no matter what.
Another big change is that Calum came out as bisexual to the band and his family. Things between him and Michel are smooth again, they smoothed out after Calum sat down Michael and told him he was bisexual but that he didn't have feelings for him. They apparently hugged it out, and I heard Calum may have even cried.
Ashton and I are talking again. The next time he came to visit, he looked at me and I simply smiled at him, hiding all my love for him and hatred for myself. We didn't talk about what happened, and he seemed a little upset but content with that.
Now it's visiting hour, three days away from Christmas, and all three of my friends walk into the center. I take a deep breath, preparing myself to come out to them. My sexuality isn't something I want to hide. I'm tired of hiding, and the only thing hiding has done to me is harm.
Michael goes in for a hug but before he reaches me, I blurt out, "I'm gay," in a worried tone. I know they won't care if I'm gay or not but I can't help feeling worried anyways, especially with how fast I've thrown this at them.
"Is that suppose to make me not hug you?" he asks me, seemingly not surprised, and goes to finish hugging me. I hug him back tight, holding onto him like he's about to disappear, as I anchor myself into his presence.
"I did not see that coming," Ashton says, looking astonished.
"I did," Calum says, and I can feel my nerves disappearing as I laugh along with Calum.
"You did?" Ashton and I ask at the same time.
"Your gaze lingers on guys sometimes and you have this smile you make whenever there's a cute guy."
"I've noticed the smile thing too. I thought it was just because you were shy around girls," Michael adds.
"You guys are making me feel embarrassed," I tell them, covering my face.
They laugh, and then Calum speaks up.
"So, three out of four of us are queer. Ash is pan, I'm bi, and Luke is gay. Michael, are you sure you aren't queer?" He says while wiggling his eyebrows. Michael laughs in response.
"I'm positive, sorry to disappoint. I know you all want a piece of this sweet ass," he says. And with that, I feel relaxed with my friends again. Everything's out in the open.
Well, almost everything.