As soon as my unconscious mother had landed back onto the ship, the medics had rushed her off to look after her, and I had no choice but to follow. I was far too distracted by the situation at hand to notice where my friends had gone, so I could only hope that Poe had managed to control the situation unfolding. Not that I really cared about anything that was happening outside my mother's room.
The thought of losing both of my parents in such a short space of time hurt so badly, and all I could do was try not to fall apart over it. Whilst the medics tended to her, I sat outside in the corridor, feeling like a little kid. I'd been away from everything for so long, cutting myself off on Jakku, and it didn't seem fair that now I was back I was losing people again. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come, so instead I rested my forehead on my knees, trying to control my breathing as I wrapped my jacket around myself tightly, imagining it was a hug from my father, something I wanted so badly in that moment.
I managed to reach a point of moderate calm, and as I closed my eyes, I saw the images of the island once more, though this time it was a comfort. To be anywhere but the Raddus seemed ideal, and even the sight of my Uncle sat outside his hut lit only by the stars and the moonlight was a comfort, feeling a sad smile creep onto my face. Any anger I felt towards him had disappeared, especially as I realised he may be my only real family left.
"Are you alright?" he asked frowning in compassion, and I wondered just how much of a wreck I looked.
"Please come home now?" I had no idea how to answer his question and so instead asked my own, my voice shaking as I tried to keep my focus, despite wanting nothing more than to break down into tears. "I need you, Uncle Luke. We all need you, Erika and Izzy need their teacher, though neither of them would admit it, I need my Uncle, and Mum needs her brother,"
"The Antilles' are still alive?" Luke breathed out in surprise, raising one of his eyebrows, and I couldn't help but scoff that those two were the ones he picked up on my mentioning, not me or his twin sister. "What are they now, master pilots?"
"The best in the fleet, after Poe," I told him, realising he'd only asked me about the twins to distract me from everything else going on, trying to take my mind off the chaos at hand, and part of me was grateful for it. "Iz and Eri are in his squadron, they make quite a team,"
"Shara Dameron was the best pilot in the rebellion fleet so it makes sense her son would also be the best," Uncle Luke mused, and I could see he was remembering back to the war, thinking of all his old friends from the old days. "As for the Antilles' girls, teachers aren't meant to pick favourites, but they were up there, they were my most promising students, after you and..."
"Ben," I finished for him, and our eyes met in an expression of awkward grief. "I told myself I'd hate him after everything. The academy, becoming Snoke's apprentice, the First Order, my Dad, but I just... I can't. He was up there during the attack, and I could feel his every emotion, and it was like he was in pain,"
"Luci, the boy he used to be, he's gone," Luke insisted, and though I shook my head in denial, he continued, "There are so many things I wish I had done differently, but we cannot change the past,"
"No but we can fix it with the future," I tried, cocking my head to the side slightly as I watched his face, trying to read his expression.
"The last time we spoke you said you had questions," Luke said, changing the conversation completely, and though it irritated me, I also wanted him to help me figure myself out.
"They can wait," I shook my head, deciding far too much had happened since we last spoke, and it would be selfish of me to turn the conversation just onto me. "How's Rey?"
"I can see why you like her," he said, with a slight groan, and I struggled to hold back a laugh. "She's as stubborn as you are, but she shows such potential. It's a strength I haven't felt since... Well, since we were at the academy,"
"Do you miss it?" I asked, feeling stupid in my question because of course he would miss it, but it just felt nice to mention it to someone else who'd been there, who knew it the way I did. "I know it hurts but do you ever just..."
"Think back and smile out of fond nostalgia?" he finished my sentence, a sceptic and almost patronising look on his face as he raised one of his eyebrows. "Occasionally, yes, but not often. That was my whole purpose of coming here, and the reasoning behind you going to Jakku,"
"We can't hide forever though," I sighed, realising how much more peaceful my life would be if I'd have stayed in hiding on Jakku.
Peaceful, and probably less painful. If I'd have stayed on Jakku, if Finn and Rey hadn't ran to the Falcon instead of one of the inferior ships in the dock bay, I'd probably still be hiding, alone. Finn and Rey probably would have never found my Dad and Chewie, and maybe they'd have found the Resistance on their own. Maybe my Dad would still be alive, but then maybe the Resistance would have still tried to destroy Starkiller Base. Without us taking out the Oscillator, the Resistance would have probably been destroyed. If I'd have stayed on Jakku, I'd have never reunited with my parents. I'd still think Izzy and Erika were dead. I'd never have finally faced up to my - still terrifying and confusing - feelings for Poe. Everything would be so different, and perhaps I'd be a little safer there than I was on the Raddus as the First Order persued us, but I'd have still been alone.
"General Solo," a voice called, severing my connection to my uncle. I looked up, pulling myself back to my feet as I faced up to the cautious looking medic, trying to ignore the look of sympathy in their eye. "You can go in now,"
I nodded, pushing past them into my mother's room. I quickly crossed the room and knelt by my mother's bedside, though I found myself unable to look at her properly. It felt as though, if I looked at her, it would all become real, and I refused to face up to that reality. I refused to even consider living in a world where I didn't have her to guide me, to look after me. Instead, I gently reached out and took her hand, stroking her soft skin as I admired her wedding ring.
Dad never wore a wedding ring, but Mum always did, and it was one I always found beautiful. Just seeing it reminded me of my Dad, and instantly the memory of him dying at the hand of my brother replayed in my mind. I flinched, and as the strong pain of grief rushed through me I quickly pulled my hand away, not trusting myself to not shoot lightning. I grimaced at the thought, taking a few deep breaths before I got to my feet, pacing across the room.
I didn't know what to do. I felt the anxious stir in my stomach of uncertainty, and the conflict of my emotions made me feel as though I wanted to break down and cry. Not again, I insisted, not wanting to cry again. I was tired of feeling like an emotional mess, but yet it seemed so hard. To try and distract myself I paced over to the window. From this angle, I couldn't see the First Order fleet, so I wondered if I could convince myself that things were fine, but I refused to do that. Trying to forget would be like I was back on Jakku, still hiding from everything.
I pushed a lock of my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear, gazing out of the large window. I imagined the Falcon shooting past us, my dad and Chewie coming to our rescue with Rey and Uncle Luke. That was impossible; Dad was dead and the others were far, far away. It wasn't like one of the stories of my childhood, no one was coming to rescue us, we were on our own.
Everything was so complicated now, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I was meant to be a general yet I was clueless as to how I should lead the Resistance in my mother's absence. I was Leia Organa's daughter, people would trust and support me, but I had no idea how I coud prove myself to them, not as the General's daughter but as a General myself. I couldn't help but think that their trust would be misplaced. My mother was nineteen when she watched her home planet be destroyed only to carry on and help destroy the death star. By the time she was my age she had been part of the rebellion, helped destroy the empire and establish the new republic as a senator. Compared to her, I had done nothing.
"General," it was Poe's voice calling me out of my thoughts as usual, standing behind me. "How is she?"
"Stable," I shrugged, glancing over my shoulder to see my mother's unconscious body. I daren't look any more, so I turned back to him with a frown, watching him carefully as he stood in the doorway, almost awkwardly as if he didn't know what to do. "What's with the sudden formality?"
"Well, since your mother's still recovering... You're our only general left, Luce," he sighed, crossing the room and sitting down on the window ledge, looking over at me almost desperately, as if he was feeling just as lost as I was.
"Don't remind me," I muttered harshly, sitting down next to him. "I can't do this, Poe. It was all a mistake, me being a general. I'm not my mother, I can't lead the resistance like she could,"
"Luce, no one's expecting you to be your mother," Poe sighed, taking hold of my hands, though I couldn't bare to meet his eyes, staring down at my boots as I willed myself not to cry. "Everyone understands, you know. We understand how much you've been through, but I believe in you. I know you can do this, and your mother did too. You can do this, Luci, I know you can. I love you,"
Poe squeezed my hands in his three times gently before pulling one of them away, using it to cup my cheek as he made me look at him. Once I met his eyes I felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest. He'd always been there to support me, and knowing he still had my back felt like a relief. It was as if in that moment he'd made the world stop spinning so fast, and as his fingers softly brushed my hair from my face I sighed, edging closer to him, moving to rest my head against his chest. I shut my eyes, savouring the way he pulled me into an embrace, stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head.
That moment didn't last much longer though, as a quiet knock at the door interrupted us then, the door opening to reveal Finn, looking rather anxiously in the direction of my mother though his eyes did not change when he saw me.
"There's a meeting we're expected to report to, especially you, Luci," he said and I got up with a sigh.
"I can't go looking like this," I muttered, standing up and glancing at my reflection in the glass window. "Give me time to change?"
"We'll be late," Finn stated, looking almost wide-eyed.
"Why'd they start a meeting without the only general left?" I almost snapped but then began to laugh.
I left the room, heading into my own quarters across the corridor. I went straight to the bathroom and took a quick, cold shower. I didn't realise how hot I'd been before. My nerves after the First Order attack were wrecked and I'd gotten sweaty, so I tried to cool myself down, tried to regain my calm. After stepping out, I towelled myself dry quickly, attempting to warm myself back up a little, which was when my eyes were drawn to the mirror.
I looked a wreck. My hair was sopping wet in rat tails, my skin looked red and blotchy from crying and stress. The only consolation I could find at my appearance was the thought of how I looked on the outside matched how I felt on the inside. With a sigh, I closed my eyes and bit my lip, deciding that no matter how broken I felt, I had no right to show it to anyone. We were all suffering, all of the Resistance was suffering, and I had no right to burden anyone with my problems. My problems could no longer be personal, my sole focus had to be on the Resistance, like it would be for my mother if she was in my place. I could mourn later, could cry later, but in that moment, I needed to be a general.
I quickly braided my hair into one simple plait before looping it round into a bun onto the top of my head, changing into a dark purple jumpsuit. It was formal, what a general should wear, but also practical, like a soldier, like a Jedi. I attached my weapons belt around my waist, making sure my light saber was proudly on show, before pulling on my dad's jacket, or, my jacket, as it was just that now. Glancing in the mirror, I was almost proud of how well put together I looked. It was almost like I was a normal, functioning human, instead of a grieving mess, but either way, I looked fine enough to be around people.
I left my quarters, only to see Poe and Finn sat in the corridor, waiting for me. The two of them were in silence, but I knew they were both thinking about the same things. Worrying about me, about my Mum, about the resistance, and most importantly, thinking about how the First Order was on our tail and could kill us at any moment. Not that they'd kill the three of us if they had a choice. No, we'd be reserved for special executions, if we were lucky, or at least they would be. I knew if the Resistance ever caught us and managed to capture us without killing us, I'd be taken straight to Snoke. Not wanting to think about our impending doom, I coughed, getting their attention.
Poe jumped to his feet, a small smile on his face as he saluted to me. I laughed, hoping that it didn't sound forced, considering it wasn't. Even at such dire times, Poe could always make me laugh by doing stupid stuff. Finn got to his feet too, and began to lead the way to where everyone else was. Since we had no control room anymore, the remaining members of the Resistance were all waiting in the backup control area, much smaller and much less grand, but it was at least something. Upon my entrance, everyone who was sat stood up, making me realise the true impact the First Order's attack had. Sure, I knew I was the only General left, but to see everyone look to me, all the pressure suddenly became real.
"Sorry to keep you all waiting," I called, attempting not to sound nervous. On the other side of the room, I saw Erika and Izzy leaning against the wall, Erika trying to smile to reassure me, whilst Izzy was glaring at the floor. "Rebels, this is us, we're what's left. The First Order's attack was brutal, and they're still coming, and they're not gonna stop coming until the rest of us are gone too. So, I guess, this is our last stand,"
"Great start," I heard Izzy mutter bitterly, and even though I couldn't see properly, I knew she was rolling her eyes. "Fancy reassuring us that we're not gonna die?"
"As grim as that sounds, it's the truth," I continued, ignoring Izzy. "I'm sorry for all those who we've lost and I'm sorry that we're in this position. Our next few moves are life and death, not just for us, but for the Resistance itself. But while ever we're here, while ever I wear the rank plaque of General, the Resistance will not fall, I can promise you that. We're the spark of rebellion, the spark started so long ago against the empire, and that spark burnt down an evil establishment once before, why not again? Remain strong, remain resilient, and I can promise you I will do the same as I try to lead us to safety, as well as victory,"
Taking a deep breath, I looked around the room. So many people's lives were in my hands. I could be the difference between all of these people dying. Any decision I made could destroy everything my mother had worked her entire life for. Overwhelmed, I realised I couldn't do it alone. That was when my gaze fell onto the pink haired woman I had been introduced to earlier on. Admiral Holdo. I'd looked up to her once, and she'd led the rebellion in victory. Upon seeing her, I saw her give me a gentle smile, encouraging and reassuring, it was a gentle reminder of everything I'd learnt from my parents stories, everything my mother had stood for. I knew what I had to do.
"But I can't lead you alone," I spoke. "Vice Admiral Holdo, you're the only other person here with any rank that matches to General, please could you help me?"
I hoped my voice wasn't shaking, hoped that I wasn't sounding weak or desperate. I could tell by the small gasp coming from Poe behind me that he'd not expected it. He expected me to ask for his assistance, and I could tell by the small frown Izzy and Erika were wearing that they thought the same. Surely I would have asked for help from three of my best friends who I trusted more than anything, but I hadn't. No, in that moment, I needed someone who, despite rank stating otherwise, I saw as a superior.
Admiral Holdo didn't hesitate, not as she moved towards me, taking hold of my hands and giving them a reassuring squeeze. I sensed relief and gratitude in her, and knew she was glad that I'd asked for her help. Perhaps she thought I was unprepared for command too, except I knew she would've trusted my judgement whatever I'd done. The kind, sad look in her eye as she looked at me reminded me of my mother, so maybe that's why I trusted her so much.
"Thank you, general," she told me softly, before dropping my hands and turning to look at the rest of the resistance crowd. "There are four hundred of us... on three ships. We're the very last of the Resistance, but we're not alone. In every corner of the galaxy, the downtrodden and the oppressed know our symbol, and they put their hope in it. We are the spark that will ignite the fire that will restore the Republic. That spark, this resistance, must survive, that is our mission. Now, to your stations, and may the force be with us,"
Finishing her speech on those words took me back slightly, especially as she looked at me as she spoke them. I didn't feel as though I had the force with me, but I appreciated the sentiment, since they reminded me of my Uncle, and my Mother. Izzy and Erika clearly didn't feel the same way, however, since even across the room I saw how Erika rolled her eyes and heard the way Izzy snorted out a laugh of annoyance. I looked over at them, raising my eyebrows at them both, but I didn't get the chance to go over and question them as Holdo took hold of my arm, turning me to face her as she wore a reassuring smile.
"General, thank you for trusting me," she said graciously, leading me over to one of the monitors. "I know what's going on right now is terrifying but-"
"Trust me, Admiral, I've done terrifying before, I can do it again," I cut in, not wanting her to think of me as a scared kid. "I don't need help because I'm scared, I need help because I don't know what to do. I need help coming up with a plan,"
"I understand," she nodded once more. "And I have got an idea. I believe the best route of survival for us would be-"
"Hey, Luce, great speech," I heard Poe's voice calling my focus away from Holdo, especially as he put his hand on my shoulder but as soon as I glanced over at him I saw the wary look in his eye as he approached Holdo. "Commander Dameron. With our current fuel consumption there's a very limited amount of time that we stay out of range of those Star Destroyers,"
Holdo didn't look away from the monitors, not even to acknowledge Poe, something I could tell bothered him. I immediately sensed the tension between the two, not to mention the fact that Poe thought I trusted this woman more than I trusted him, even after everything we'd been through together. I offered him a reassuring smile, but instead I just noticed his frown deepen, moving his hand from my shoulder as he followed after Holdo, desperate for her to pay attention to him.
"Very kind of you to make me aware," she spoke eventually, her voice lacking the warmth it previously possessed when talking to me.
"Well, we haven't got long, based on the fuel projections," Poe continued, gesturing to the screens that I hadn't dared look at yet, knowing it would make me feel even worse about the resistance's fate. "And we need to shake the First Order before we find a new base so... What's our plan?"
"We're working on it," I told him, attempting to take hold of his hand the squeeze it in reassurance, but he moved away from me, determined in his persuit of Holdo, who'd shot me a look as if questioning just why Poe was following us. "I promise, when we-"
"Our plan, Captain? Not Commander, right?" Holdo cut in, a smug, questioning look on her face that made me cringe ever so slightly, knowing just how Poe would feel at how she was talking to him. "Wasn't it Leia's last official act to demote you? Because of your dreadnaught plan... Where we lost our entire bombing fleet,"
"Poe was taking a risk, Admiral, one he thought would pay off and work out in the Resistance's advantage," I tried to explain, cutting in before Poe could say anything, hoping that if I acted as some sort of mediator the tension would die down slightly. "There's no point dwelling-"
"Captain, Commander, call me whatever you like," Poe interrupted me, the same determination still in his eye. "I just want to know what's going on,"
"We all do," another voice called, and I turned my head to see Izzy stood just behind Poe, her arms crossed across her chest as she looked at Holdo confrontationally, Erika waiting hesitantly behind her.
The tension seemed to increase as Holdo turned away from the monitors, moving closer to Poe, ignoring both Izzy and Erika. She looked him up and down, considering him, before glancing over to me. I doubted she noticed just how on edge the whole conversation was making me, seeing the man I loved in conflict with the woman I admired.
"Of course you do, I understand, I've dealt with plenty of trigger happy flyboys like you," she told him, her tone cool and cutting, especially as she glanced behind him, making eye contact with Izzy and Erika, the former practically squaring up, storming over to Poe's side. "And the same to you both, you were all part of that attack. You're impulsive, dangerous, and the last thing we need right now. So stick to your posts, and follow my orders,"
As much as I respected Holdo, even I felt irritated by her words. Without Poe, the resistance would be a lot worse off, he'd been an important asset since it was first formed, and Izzy and Erika had also contributed greatly since they joined. The three of them were my best friends and I knew they only wanted the best for the cause, so to hear them be belittled made me feel conflicted. I trusted Holdo and knew whatever plan she formed for the resistance would be for the best, but at the same time I trusted Poe and the Antilles' as well and listening to Holdo put them down stung.
Poe set his jaw angrily, shooting a hurt look to me, but before I could respond he'd turned and stormed off, out of the command room. I wanted so deserately to follow him but I stayed, instead watching Izzy and Erika as they looked at each other, both as angry as Poe, a furious smirk of disbelief on Izzy's face. The two had trained as Jedi's, best in the class, but yet they were worse than Poe when it came to showing their emotions, Erika raising her eyebrows in a glare to Holdo as she glanced at me.
"Follow your orders?" Erika questioned. "What about the orders of General Solo?"
With that, the two of them ran off after Poe, leaing me alone with Holdo, doubting my decision.
***
Word count: 4394
***