The next morning I slept passed my arm. I was too exhausted and sore from going out yesterday with Billie-Mae and Chase. Chase. His name echoed in my head, spreading a smile on my face. Chase had kissed me last night after we put Billie-Mae to bed. We did a little more than just kiss, though. I could help but let the memory linger in my head, reminiscing about his warm touch and the safety of his strong hold. I looked out my window from pillow, the sun already high in the sky. It must be ten in the morning.
I got out of bed and tied my hair up atop my head before walking into Billie-Mae's room to see her still asleep. I climbed under the covers with her, resting my head on her shoulder. I knew she really wasn't asleep, she was just really hungover. "We kissed." I tell her quietly. I was a little shocked at how quickly she responded to me.
"I know. I heard the heavy breathing from all the way over hear." she says. I could tell she was a irritated because of her headache. I giggled a little at her response, not sorry for what had went down last night. She swiftly placed her hand over my mouth to silence me. "Shh. No noise. It hurts too much." she groans.
I carefully got out of bed and made my way downstairs to start making some breakfast. I tried to think of something to give my hungover cousin so that she wouldn't throw it all up again. I figured some oatmeal and some bacon would be good enough, so started a pot of water and got the skillet ready. I was humming some of the songs that had played last night at the barn. I smiled to myself as more memories of last night came traveling back. The oatmeal had just finished cooked and the bacon was all ready to go. I threw in a few pads of butting and some cinnamon-sugar and some blueberries into a bowl for Billie-Mae and grabbed a small plate with some strips of bacon before heading back up stairs. As I walked to set her breakfast down, I checked her bucket, which was completely empty. I guess she can hold her alcohol better than I thought.
"Here. I made you some oatmeal if you want to try and eat." I say, setting the plate and bowl down on her nightstand. Billie-Mae opened her eyes with a disgusted look on her face. I knew exactly what that meant.
"Oh, God. I think I'm gonna--" she says before taking off for the bathroom at lightning speed. The next thing I know, Billie-Mae is throwing up everything that had consumed in the last twenty-four hours. At least I didn't have to clean the bucket. She still had some unopened water bottles on her night stand, so I decided to leave her be and go eat my own breakfast. I was halfway through my oatmeal when the doorbell rang, followed by a cry of pain from Billie-Mae upstairs. "Make it stop." I complains.
I laugh to myself as I walk to the door. I open it up to the person that I wanted to see more than anything else: Chase. He was dressed in light pair of blue jeans, his boots and a plain, forest green t-shirt. His hair was groomed in its usual way, but it was starting to get a little longer. His deep blue eyes shining in the late morning sun. "Good morning, Hayden." he says with a smile. I smiled back at him, leaning against the door. "Sleeping in, today?" he asked. I was a little confused by his question, until I looked down and realized I was still wear my University of North Carolina blue and white cotton shorts and white tank top. I blushed a little at the fact that I had so much exposed skin this time, wishing it was like this last night.
"Yes, actually." I tease him. I turned back into the house, Chase following me in and closing the door behind him. He closed the door rather loudly, causing another groan of pain from Billie-Mae in her bedroom.
"I see she's extremely hung over." Chase assesses.
"Very." I say with my hands folded over my chest, hoping to cover some of my cleavage. I motion for him to follow me to the kitchen. I offer Chase some breakfast, but I was stopped by his hand catching wrist, making me spin around so that we were chest to chest. He planted his lips on mine, giving me a lingering kiss that was just as tantalizing as the one he gave me last night. I smiled into the kiss, running hands over his chest to his shoulders. Chase broke the kiss and let his hands rest in my waist.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you last night." he says, looking into my eyes with a smirk on his face. My stomach does a back flip at his words. I still couldn't believe he had kissed me.
"Oh really?" I ask.
"Honest, I couldn't. And to top it off, I come over to find you in those shorts and that top. This just keeps getting better and better." He jokes. I laugh and playfully slap his chest before breaking out of his hold. I walk over to the sink so I can let the pot of stick oatmeal soak in hot water and wash the bacon skillet. "I wanna take you on a date." I hear him say. I stop what I'm doing for a second to make sure I heard him right.
"A date?" I ask. I look over my shoulder to see him leaning in the island behind me.
"Like I said, I like you. I want to properly show you just how much I like you. Besides, a gorgeous girl like you needs to be taken out on a date." he flirts. My ears got hot again.
"I don't know. I'm always busy working and I feel like last night was long enough time for me to neglect my responsibilities." I tell him. The look on his face told me he wasn't going to give up.
"Come on, Hayden. You know you want to." he presses. He slowly closed the space between up. He wasn't wrong, I did want to go on a date with him. But there was something in me that prevented me from saying yes. Maybe it was the fact that he was a Marine, and I knew he wouldn't always be with me. Maybe it was the fact that my lifestyle and my work would prevent us from having a steady relationship. Maybe it was that I was just scared of losing someone else i had grown to care for, just recently after losing my parents.
"I appreciate the offer, and as much as I would love to accept it, I can't." I say. I felt him heart hit my feet when I saw the look on his face. It was like someone had told him he was the best person in the world and then immediately told him that he wasn't.
"What? Why not?" he asked. I could hear the hurt and a little hint of frustration in his voice. Part of me wishes I could take back what I said if it meant I could see the smile in his eyes again.
"I'm sorry, Chase. But, I just lost my parents. What if you and I don't work out, and I lose you when I really start to care for you? What happens when you go back to duty, and something horrible happens to you, just like my parents? I don't think I could ever bare another loss like that." I admit. The gap between Chase and I grew the more I spoke.
"Hayden, I have seen military couples work through these kinds of things first hand all the time. I have seen these kinds are relationships build into marriages, and even families. Now, I'm not sayin' I plan on marrying and having a family with you or anything like that, well at least not right away--", my heart skipped as he said "at least not yet". "But I am more than willing to make this work. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I see something in you that I haven't seen in any other girl in a long time, Hayden. You're special, you're different. If losing me is what you're afraid of, then hear me out.
"It's just like I said when I kissed you: No war, no bullet, not even distance can keep me from you. You are a part of my life whether you like it or not, Hayden. If losing me is what you're scared of, well I hate to break it to you but I ain't going anywhere." I watched him as tears slowly formed at the base of my eyes. I'd be damned if I cried in front of him, though. He looked at me, waiting for me to say something. All I did was shake me my head and turn my back to him so he couldn't see my tears escape.
"I'm sorry, Chase." Silence. The only sound was his shoes hitting the floor as his steps trailed to the front door, the noise of his closing behind him added to the sound.
I watched from my kitchen window as he walked through the path way back to his grandparents house. He raked his fingers through his hair several times as slowly trudged through the tall grass that separated the properties. I frustratingly wiped away the tears that dared to escape and slammed my hand back onto the counter-top. I knew the decision I had made was for the better. It had made me snap back to reality, realizing the life that I was left to live. I was wanted where I was needed, and I couldn't think of any reason as to why Chase needed me.
I had finished cleaning up before getting ready and heading outside into the late morning sun. I couldn't bring myself to finish my chores quickly enough, and by the time I was done it was already dark outside. I had decided to give Lady a bath to help clear my thoughts. All I could think about was the hurt that I had caused my friend that had come so close with.
As I scrubbed all around Lady's back, the sound of footsteps approached me in to stables. Part of me wish it was Chase, but when I looked passed Lady, I saw it was my cousin. Billie-Mae was still wearing her pajamas and her hair was spilling out of her bun. He glasses sat on top of her nose, amplifying the dark circles under her eyes.
"Well, well, well. Look who decided to live today." I joke as I scrub Lady's front leg. I saw Billie's boot attempt to kick a small mound of dust at me but failed.
"I'm still feelin' a little dead, but I'll be alright." she joked back. There was an awkward silence between us before she finally spoke up again. "I heard the talk between you and Chase." she admits.
"Oh yeah?" I ask as if I didn't know what she was talking about.
"Can't say I'm surprised you told him 'no'. You always were really stubborn when it came to choosing your responsibilities over a social life." She finds a hay bale to sit on as I walk over the hose to turn on the water.
"Yeah, well. I don't really have a choice anymore, Billie." I say. I grab the head of the hose and twist it so that the water comes spraying out in a mist. I twist it until I reach a gentle sprinkle setting to hose off all the soap on Lady's body.
"That's the thing, Hayden. You always had a choice. You just always chose the safe one. What happened to that cousin of mine that wanted to go midnight practice runs before a big race? Or the cousin that thought it would be fun the take a ride out to the meadow turning a lightning storm?" Billie-Mae asks. She was trying to make a point.
"She grew up. She loved, and she lost. I'm doing what my parents would have wanted me to do. I'm making sure I'm staying responsible for the work they left behind, for their oldest daughter who I'm pretty sure is the youngest at this point." I try to explain. I grabbed the scraper from Lady's stall and swipe it across her sides to make sure all the water was off her skin so she wouldn't be boiling the mid-summer heat tomorrow.
"No, Hayden, you're doing what you think you're parents wanted you to do. You're forgetting it was your mother that forced you to go to a party our freshman year, so you wouldn't wear your poor horse out from training so much. It was your dad that got you into a dangerous sport, and it was the both of them that trusted you to make the smart decisions when they weren't around. How is now any different?" she asked. "I think you need to say yes." she chimes in again.
"Oh, so I can have my heart shattered all over again? Billie-Mae, I'm tired of losing people. First Mama and Daddy, then Daisy. I might even lose you! I don't want to lose him, too." I shout. "I'm not changing my mind. And that's final." I say. Billie-Mae turns and leaves me. I stand there alone with my horse, and let the tears finally come out.