Chapter 34: The Moon and the Sun
We were having breakfast at the balcony when River told me the reason why he visit.
"Lolo send me on a business trip."
Tumigil ako sa pagtimpla ng kape. "What?"
"It's way up north, nearly a hundred miles away from here. Looks like I'm the new target."
"Please don't say that."
Alam kong sinabi lang ito ni River upang pagaanin ang sitwasyon. Ngunit hindi ko maitago ang pangamba ko.
"I can tell an apology is coming and I don't want to hear it," said River.
I bit my lips before I can say another word. It's the first thing that comes to my mind... to apologize.
I apologize for a lot of things, for feeling everything, or nothing at all, for burdening someone by my presence, or being aloft.
"You don't apologize for things you can't control, Denise. And that right there," tinuro ni River and aking puso, "is not something to apologize for. I'm rooting for it, whatever it may feel."
"But you and Yllona..."
River leaned on the lawn chair. "It's just a business trip. Lolo often do it when he don't want us mendling with his business, or simple whenever he don't want to see our faces."
"Will you be okay?"
Tinitigan ako ni River. Saka siya humalakhak. "I should be the one asking you that. As long as Landon is under our Lolo's control, he'll keep his part of the deal. That's the good thing about the Monaghans. We keep our words in steel and blood. Pero hindi parin natin alam kung ano ang iniisip niya o ano pa ang kaya niyang gawin."
"I'll be okay," I tried to assure him.
"Of course you will. You are Denise Limerick. The woman who fought against hell to live."
Napangiti ako sa kanyang sinabi.
"But it doesn't mean you have to go through the same thing now what we are here. I won't forgive myself if something happens to you, Denise."
River stared at me. Tila may gusto pa siyang sabihin. Ngunit umiling siya at piniling kalimutan ito.
River stood up while I remained seated in front of him. He stoop down and gave me a forehead kiss.
"Be safe, Denise."
--
Umalis si River kinagabihan. I never felt so alone in this big house now that I also lost River.
River's presence could make anyone feel at ease. His hearty chuckle is enough to break someone's wall.
It's kind of ironic how I never imagined myself being close to River and Yllona or any other Monaghan. But how can you stay strangers with people who let you see their flaws, scars, and soul?
Even if people play strangers there are still part of them that will keep those information in the depths of their souls. That's why it's dangerous to let someone in, knowing they'll be rooted in your soul forever.
--
Kinabukasan, pagpagsok ko sa campus isang balita ang bumungad sa akin. Landon took the early graduation program. Tuluyan ko na siyang hindi makikita sa university.
Hindi na dapat ako nabigla. Hindi kami maaaring magsama sa iisang lugar. His grandfather already took everything from him. He's locked down so I can sit freely in class, safe and sound. And I couldn't bare it. This freedom feels empty because I couldn't bare the fact that this is Landon's cage.
Gusto ko siyang makausap. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Communication was cut from the Monaghan mansion. It's been weeks since I last heard his voice. I miss him.
--
Matapos ang klase ay pumara ako ng taxi palabas ng university belt. I gave the address of Landon's mansion. Gusto kong magbakasakali kahit alam kong maaaring wala siya doon.
Pagdating ko sa tapat ng mansion ay binati ako ng tahimik na paligid. Tila matagal ng hindi nagagalaw ang lugar. Matataas ang mga damo sa lawn. The gate started to rust.
It's been months since I stepped in here. I could feel the evident abandonment of the place. The gate was slightly ajar. Walang nangangahas na pumasok sa bribadong lugar dahil sa misteryosong katahimikan na bumabalot dito.
It's been this way since the first time I saw the place. The tall trees lining the driveway, the gated mansion, the eerie garden. Noon ay puno ito ng tagapagsilbi, hanggang sa tanging si Landon ang natira, hanggang sa tuluyan itong naging abandunado.
My heart clenched at the thought. It's beautiful, yet it's been left behind with its memories.
Tumapak ako sa madamong garden. I used to ask myself how could someone sacrifice everything for something as indecisive as the human emotions. But if these emotions are the only thing that keeps you alive, won't you do the same?
The dark and silent interior greeted me. Nang makita ko ang lugar ay alam kong wala dito si Landon. But would I be stupid if I want to stay a few more minutes just so I could feel his presence on the things he once owned? The things that once surrounded him.
I traced my fingers on the marble countertop on the kitchen. I remembered the morning I woke up in here and saw him cooking. I heaved a deep breath and returned to the living room.
This is just so hard. Will we ever be okay?
My feet brought me to the second floor. There were no sounds other than the trees scratching the windowsill whenever a lone breeze passes. Half of the rooms were left in a way as if waiting for someone to come back. There were doors half open, bed sheet na hindi natiklop, and there's still the fading smell of perfume against the smell of wooden floor.
Did you ever thought you won't be able to come back here, Landon? Would it be easier if we could just forget everything and burry our emotions deep down and stay strangers? Aren't you tired?
Isang pag galaw ang nakakuha ng aking atensyon. Napatingin ako sa kwarto sa dulo ng hallway. Winawagayway ng hangin ang kurtina mula sa nakabukas na bintana.
I remembered the room. Hindi ito madalas nakabukas. And the one time it was indeed open, Landon brought me out the moment I step in it.
The room was almost empty like what I remember. Isang mesa at kama ang makikita dito. On top of the table lies a broken picture frame. A picture of Helena.
Tinitigan ko ito. She was smiling at the picture. Hindi ko ito magawang galawin. I left the picture on the table.
As I'm about to leave, I saw a door I've never noticed before. Nagdalawang isip akong buksan ito. But my hands found the handle and pulled the sliding door.
It was a walk-in closet. Ilang mga gamit ang makikita na binabalutan ng manipis na alikabok. There were picture frames, clothes, some shoes. Everything was neatly covered and place.
Everything belongs to Helena.
Napakurap ako at agad itong sinara. Muli kong linibot ang tingin sa kwarto. Sa pader, sa kama, sa bintana.
Ito ang dating kwarto ni Helena.
--
Umalis ako sa mansion bago lumubog ang araw. Dumerecho ako sa coffee shop upang magtrabaho. But I was too preoccupied. Ilang beses akong nagkamali sa pagbibigay ng orders. Maging si Miss Van ay nagtaka na.
Tinanong niya ako kung ano ang problema o kung may bumabagabag ba sa akin. Ngunit paano ko sasabihin na nasasaktan ako dahil sa tanong matagal ng wala. Dahil sa kanyang matalik na kaibigan.
It might be stupid. Pero ito ang nararamdaman ko. Natatakot ako na kaya lang ginagawa ni Landon ay lahat ng ito ay dahil nakikita niya si Helena sa akin.
Without the face of his first love, would he go to such extent for me?
--
I decided to go to Saint Jude that weekend. Ito ang lugar na alam kong makakapag pakalma sa akin. Dahil nandito ang aking ina.
Nadatnan ko si Mama sa maliit na balkonahe ng kanyang kwarto habang nakatanaw sa hardin.
"Mama..."
Lumingon siya sa akin. Isang ngiti ang sumilay sa kanyang mukha.
"Maayos ka lang ba dito, Mama?"
Hinagkan niya ako. "Mas maayos ngayon na nakita na kita."
"I'm sorry ngayon lang ulit ako dumalaw."
I missed her. It seemed like I've been living inside my head most of the time that I forgot how comforting and warm her hugs were.
"May gumugulo ba sayo, anak?"
Umupo ako sa silya. I tried to smile. Sapat na ang masilayan si Mama upang ibalik ang focus ko. Just the sight of her calms me.
"I'm okay." But she didn't seem to believe me.
"You know I can always tell when something's bothering you. You can't look someone directly into the eyes in fear of seeing right through your emotions," she said calmly. "Pareho kayo ng iyong ama."
Natigilan ako. Ito ang unang pagkakataon na nabanggit niya ang aking ama mula noong gumagaling na siya. At isa ito sa mga bagay na kinakatakot ko.
Gumagaling na si Mama. Maaari niya nang maalala ang lahat, maramdamang muli ang lahat. Hindi ko gustong muli siyang bumalik sa taong nagwasak sa pamilyang pilit kong ibinangon.
"I do not," tahimik kong sinabi.
"And he's hard headed like you."
"Please, Mom. Let's just forget about him. Makakasama ito sa pag-galing niyo."
She softly smiled at me. "Kung ganoon sabihin mo ang gumugulo sayo. Matagal akong nawala, anak. Alam kong kaya mo na ang iyong sarili. Pero hayaan mo sanang pakinggan kita."
Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin ang pangamba na nararamdaman ko. "I was just confused," I finally said.
"About what?"
Mom waited for me to tell her, to open up my walls. I've been yearning this kind of affection from her. Pero tama bang magduda ako kay Landon?
"Remember when you told me about someone's sunshine worth fighting for?" I said.
Mom nodded patiently.
"What if... that sunshine is not actually the sun but the moon? What if... he's only fighting for it because it looks like the sun in the dark?"
Mom gently held my hand.
"Denise, we fight for what we deem is our light no matter where it came from or what it looks like. Whether it came from the sun, the moon, or the stars, the light we are fighting is what makes us feel alive."
"Mom, I'm scared that he'll realize that I wasn't his light all along. That one day, the morning will come and he'll forget about the moon the moment he see the sun."
"Did he do anything recently that made you doubt him?" Mom asked.
Umiling ako. "No."
"Then you are not doubting him, Denise. You're doubting yourself."
I bit my lips because I know it's true. I am doubting myself more than I doubt Landon. Because I don't think I'm worth all of his sacrifices.
Ngunit kung mangyari ang kinakatakot ko at malaman ko na minahal ako ni Landon dahil kay Helena, would I still love him the same?
That afternoon, I realized the answer.
Yes. I still do. Even if everything he did might not be for me, I love and will still love him.
--
I spend the whole afternoon with my Mom. We ate and talked at the balcony. Nang lumalamig na ang hangin, pumasok kami sa loob ng kwarto.
I noticed several paintings and blank canvases leaning against the walls of her room. I noticed something she'd been working on. And based on the blue hues, it looks like the sea or the beach.
Napansin ni Mama na nakatingin ako dito. "You used to love the beach when you're a kid. Do you still go there often?"
Umiling ako. I rarely go the the beach since my family fell apart. It reminds me of my Dad.
"I remember how you use to plead every long weekend for us to take you there."
"I'm sorry I didn't get to save any picture of us," I said.
Noong pinagbili ang bahay upang pangbayad sa hospital bills ni Mama ay wala na akong pagkakataon na kunin ang natitira pang mga gamit including pictures.
Ngumiti si Mama. "It's okay, Denise. I'm painting it through memory. When it's done it would be a picture of you at the beach."
***