Every test in our life makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to break us or make us who we are today. The choice is ours whether we become victim or victor...
But having Niall sat there listening to me, talking about my life I never told anyone before...
It kinda felt free...I felt free.
Since meeting him we both felt this sort of connection, like we knew each other from when we were little, it's weird and so misunderstood. Sitting with Niall for a few hours was like a catch up, but our whole life story. In my head, I think this is fate.
"I'm sorry for leaving and not contacting you..."
"You don't have to say sorry, you basically just listened to my whole life story" I replied smiling, moving myself on the sofa to sit closer to him, but being embraced in his arms as he lifted me onto his lap and held me.
But telling Niall the truth was hard, knowing he knows the death of my first child was hard enough. Telling him I wasn't over it and hurting myself was a punch in the gut...telling the truth and making someone sad is better than telling a lie and making them think you're happy...
But telling the truth has always turned out for the worst. Voices in my head telling me to tell him, he'll leave you, maybe even forget you but that's ok, you've got us...
"Hey, you're crying" Niall said wiping my tears with his thumb and looking me in the eyes.
"Sorry, I was just thinking that's all" I replied, trying to figure out if Niall can see what's going on in my head, see what's going on past my eyes and my tongue.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Wondering if you really want to know the real me..."
"What do you mean the real you?"
"The real me...the real me who wants to get everything out and not feel like I'm going to never see you again, the real me who wants to escape" I admitted, fiddling with my hair as Niall cradled me in his arms.
"Hey, don't cry. Yes I do want to know the real you, whatever it is, I won't walk out of the room and leave, I'll help you, just tell me what's wrong?"
"I don't know how to though" I replied
"If you trust me, then you can tell me" He said, taking my hands and making them disappear in his.
"I haven't gotten over Aiva's death ok, I don't think anyone who has lost a child will, I can never get over her Niall, it's made me lose myself." I said, hugging my leg's to my chest and looking at Niall.
"I'll help you though..."
"...No Niall, you can't, you don't understand, how I say to myself everyday and night that this is the last time I'm going to do this to myself, but the next day I'm in tears, tearing my skin apart and damaging myself. Once you start, you cannot stop. the pain is an addiction. The scars are reminders, I want to stop Niall, trust me, I do, buts it's impossible..." I truthfully said.
Niall looked me closely in the eyes for a minute "Let me see?" He asked softly as his hands tugged onto my sleeves of my jumper, seeing the deep scar on my wrist peeking out. I watched his eyes as he traced the peaking scar along and revealing other ones on my arm, slowly tracing the never ending cuts that were me "Promise me, that I can help you through this, I just want you to be safe that's all" Niall pleaded with me looking up at his genuine promising eyes.
"Promise" I whispered, I felt so safe, he cared about me.
"You know I keep my promises" He whispered holding onto my fragile body and keeping me close.
"I think right now you're the only person I can trust" I whispered, folding our fingers together while looking into his searching eyes.
"And it's going to stay like that" He replied, stroking my hair while I gradually fell to sleep listening to him sing softly.