Yusuf’s POV
It felt like the storm was getting stronger. Javed’s appointment was the following week and the nerves for his results had me on edge. I was so afraid for him. Then there was Safia who I was finding it more and more difficult to talk to. The only thing I hated more than the distance between us was that I was getting used to it.
I left without waking Safia and letting her know I was going. I didn’t even think about it until she called me. I used the excuse saying she looked so peaceful, which she did. It was only after she told me how she didn’t like waking up to an empty house that the lack of communication between us had occurred to me. It felt like someone hit me on my chest with a brick. This wasn’t the sort of marriage I had worked for.
On top of that, mum was causing trouble again! The guests came around and naturally asked about Safia. Mum began to backbite about her, saying those same ridiculous things and I spoke up again which caused a tiny problem. Mum didn’t mention Safia again but she said she wanted ‘a word’ with me after they left.
“That was very embarrassing, the way you spoke up against me.” Mum said. I sighed and put my hands on her shoulder.
“No matter what you say or do, I shall defend Safia until I see her doing something wrong with my very own eyes. I am not going to leave her mum. What you’re doing will drive me away, not make me leave Safia. Understood?” But mum was dangerously stubborn. It dawned upon me that it was likely mum might never change. She was too set in her ways. Wanting to get away, I said salaam to everyone and left feeling quite agitated.
On my way home, I stopped by to get some painkillers because my ankle was beginning to hurt. I parked outside the pharmacy knowing that cars weren’t allowed to be parked there. But I only needed to run in and get some painkillers. When I came out of the pharmacy, I saw that someone had crashed into my car and driven off. There was a huge dent going into the driver’s side with shattered glass on the seat.
That’s when all negative emotions and thoughts began to take over. I left the car and walked for an hour to get home, all the while, thinking of everything wrong in my life. Now I wouldn’t be able to take my car to work. There was also the problem with money. Not to mention the 15 minute walk from the station to my workplace, which was sure to cause my ankle a lot of pain.
Safia would be disappointed in me. We didn’t have much and now we had even less. I remember when Javed was laughing at the car and said it would be better to not have one at all than the beaten up one I had. Well now I didn’t have one. I didn’t have the money to get it fixed or buy a new one. Thinking of Javed led me to think about his health. He looked worse again today.
When I got home, I felt like my head was going to explode and my ankle hurt so much, as if someone was sawing through it. I glanced towards Safia and saw the worry apparent on her face. I forgot to check my phone or tell her where I was. I was drowning in guilt as I rushed to the bedroom and closed the door. I sat down on the bed, unable to control myself any longer. I was a failure.
The tears fell as I sat hunched, too tired to sit straight. I was angry at myself, I was angry at my stupid throbbing ankle. I was angry at everything. I rubbed my face and ignored Safia knocking on the door. I didn’t want her to see me like this. But where else was I to go in this tiny little dump we lived in?
When I didn’t respond, Safia came in herself, holding a glass of water. She sat next to me without speaking a word. I couldn’t bear to see the look on Safia’s face so I kept my head low.
“Drink this, it might help.” With shaky hands I took the glass and put it on the bedside drawer. I wasn’t in a state where I could swallow anything. I clutched my ankle and shut my eyes in pain. Safia left and I could hear her in the kitchen, going through the drawers. She came back a while later.
“I can’t find any painkillers; shall I go out and get some?”
“There’s some in my pocket.” She took them out and gave me two. I let go of my ankle and took them with the water she handed me earlier. “I suppose you want to know what happened. Let the pain go down and I’ll tell you.” Safia went back to get me some food. I told her not to get me anything, food was the last thing on my mind.
We spent an awkward half an hour before the painkillers kicked in and I was able to tell her what had happened. My ankle was still sore, but it wasn’t as consuming as it was earlier.
“So you were crying because someone crashed into your car? You made me think something much worse had happened. Thank Allah you weren’t in the car!” Safia said when I finished.
“It’s not just the car. That was just the last straw. It’s everything Safia, Nothing is right at the moment!”
“What about me?” She said offended. “At least we’re together.”
“Are we? When was the last time we spoke properly?”
“If you want to speak to me Yusuf, just speak.”
“You’re always so busy with uni and there’s just other things…” I trailed off, not wanting to mention Javed.
“What other things? You’re complaining that we don’t speak to each other when you’re the one keeping secrets. What’s on your mind? Just tell me.” She said running her hand soothingly through my hair.
“That doesn’t matter. I’m just tired of this now. I’m tired of waiting for things to get better. After hardship comes relief right? I want that relief and I want it now.”
“Just be patient. That relief will come.”
“I’ve got no choice but to be patient.” I know I sounded ungrateful. I was really breaking. I never thought I would, especially because of a car.
“That’s not patience Yusuf. When people go through hard times, they can’t do anything but wait. But that doesn’t mean they’re all patient. There’s some that complain until the hard times are over. Others keep their faith strong in Allah and make the best of the hard times, focusing on all the good things. It is those who are patient. And think about it, both are waiting but the patient one is happier, and gets reward for it too.” I became calmer after hearing that.
“Patience is seeing the good things through hard times…” I said, looking into Safia’s eyes. “The good things…” She was my good thing. She got my message and smiled at me. I pulled her into a hug. “Help me be patient Safia.”
“I can help, but it’s all ultimately in your control. Remember the patience of the prophets. So many of them had problems much worse than ours, but they kept their faith strong in Allah and in the end, Allah rewarded them and protected them. We can’t be prophets but we can try and have faith. Allah will help us.” She reminded me.
“You’re so full of wise advice. It surprises me that you come out with these things.”
“Excuse me? I’m just a wise person.” She said looking at me with hopes that I would cheer up.
“Sure you are.” I said sarcastically and smiled. Safia relaxed in my arms. Then we continued to talk about nonsense.
After so long, Safia and I had a full conversation about absolutely nothing. I loved having those banters with her. While we were teasing each other and laughing, I momentarily forgot why I actually had a breakdown earlier on. We fell into a comfortable silence as I thought about the future. I hoped this wasn’t a one off happy conversation.
“I’ve decided, in’sha’allah when we have a daughter, we shall name her Yusra. It means relief. I have a feeling she might provide us with relief.” I said trying to imagine a miniature version of Safia.
“When we have a daughter? How can you be so sure we will have one?”
“Faith in Allah, Safia.”
“We can name the second one Yusra if we have two. First one will be named Maria. It’s final.” Safia said crossing her arms.
“It’s final without discussing it with me?” I asked.
“As the mother of the child, I should have a right to name her. Besides, she may provide you with relief, but she’ll provide me with sleepless nights.”
“Maria.” I said, feeling name on my lips. “It’s nice. I can imagine shouting at her.”
“Yusuf!” Safia said shoving me. “You will not shout at our child!” I could see she was horrified.
“I’m joking! She’s going to be daddy’s little girl.”
“We’re saying this like we’re going to have a baby tomorrow. Who knows if we will even have children?”
“Stop being a pessimist Safia, we will have children in’sha’allah. Not yet though. I want them to be raised in a better place and I want to be able to spoil them”
“If and when we have children is not in our power.”
“But we have the magic of prayer. Which reminds me, I’m going to have a badly needed one to one with Allah. Care to wait while I offer some nafl (optional) prayers?”
“Nah, I’ll join you.” We did our wudhu and laid out our prayer mats. When we finished praying the optional prayers, I remained seated and raised my hands my hands in supplication.
Ya Allah, I prayed. Times are tough and I’ve not been turning to You as often as I should. Forgive me for the weakening of my faith. Forgive me for all the sins I have unknowingly committed for you are the most Merciful. Ya Allah, please help me. Please strengthen my bond with Safia. Please give Javed good health and a long healthy life. Pleas guide my mother. O Allah, please provide us with relief soon and shower your blessings upon us.
I continued with tears staining my cheeks again, but I wasn’t sad anymore. These tears felt like they were cleansing my soul, lifting my burden. I finished and saw Safia sitting next to me, dressed in her pyjamas. I don’t know how long I was sitting there for, but in that much time Safia got ready for bed. I thought she was going to ask me what was wrong but instead she asked,
“Are you feeling better now?” She understood the purpose of these new tears I was shedding.
“I feel much better, alhamdulillah.”
Life will get better now, I told myself, even if it gets worse, it will get better.