Saying goodbye hurt like a bitch. Dean tried not to focus on the way Sam seemed to hang off Jody or how Jess was smiling through her tears. He didn't dare glance at Mary. She wasn't even old enough to grasp the heaviness of leaving. It was just like him having to watch out for Sammy at the tender age of eight. He hadn't even reached double digits before becoming an adult. The law said eighteen, but Dean knew better. He knew normal ten year old kids didn't know how to ration food and hustle pool.
They'd pretended everything was right as rain this morning. They knew what was to come and they'd taken advantage of the last time they could be normal. The whole family had eaten breakfast together, pancakes and coffee and the works, just for some sliver of an escape. Nobody wanted to leave. So Dean had clambered into the Impala as fast as possible and Castiel had followed. They just needed Sam, and he was savoring his last moments of paradise, however dysfunctional it may have been.
Sam finally wrenched the passenger side door open, and with one last wave and sad smile, sank into the sun-warm leather seat.
Dean revved the engine to life. After he got going down the road, he spoke. "Sammy, get that map out and see where the bunker's at, will ya?"
Sam nodded, pulling open the glove compartment and unfolding the road map. He turned it to view it properly and began giving directions.
Castiel watched them both, Sam with tired eyes and Dean with a death grip on the steering wheel. He briefly thought about the significance between them. Sam was emotionally exhausted. He knew exactly what he was doing to his kids and hated himself, because now he understood why their father was never there. On the other end of the Winchester spectrum, Dean was angry and petrified. Dean wanted his own life gone just so they could be safe and normal, although even Dean realized now that he wasn't the only issue. Even Dean realized now there was no simple solution. Castiel thought about all of this, as he dove into John's journal.
With Sam occasionally spouting off cardinal directions and the AC/DC tapes in the player, Castiel had fallen asleep at some point. He shot upright as the Impala's horn blared.
"Fucking move! The light's green, asshole!" Dean shouted to the car ahead.
Castiel rubbed his eyes and yawned. He blinked sluggishly for a bit. Having regained his wits, he looked around. It was seven now, and the sun was just starting to rise They'd been in the car for over four hours. Castiel stretched his legs and yawned again. "Where are we going?"
"Dad wrote about a bunker in that journal. We're gonna see if it'll still support life." Dean answered. He seemed normal enough, but Castiel wasn't stupid. Between his nearly successful suicide attempt and having every good thing except his family ripped away from him, Castiel knew he still wasn't in a good place. He nodded though, and made some offhand comment. There would be time for discussion later. Dean probably wouldn't open up right now anyway. Everything was still moving too fast.
Castiel closed his eyes and fell back asleep.
When he woke up again, the car was empty. He instantly jumped up and took note of his surroundings. They were parked at a gas station at one of the pumps. Sam was right outside his door. He relaxed. He opened the other door and crawled out that way.
"Morning, Cas." Sam gave him a smile, though it didn't reach his whole face.
Castiel nodded. He made his way to the back of the station toward the bathrooms. He knocked and walked inside. Dean was washing his hands.
"Hey, Cas." He said. He didn't bother smiling.
Castiel was glad for that. Normalcy was missed, but he was quickly tiring of the fake stuff.
When everyone was back in the car, Sam took the driver's seat.
Dean was about to get in the passenger seat. "Screw it." He muttered, slamming the passenger side door and sitting in back with Castiel.
Castiel gave him a tiny smile in gratitude. He missed Dean. Silently, he crawled over and laid his head in Dean's lap. Dean allowed him to do so, petting his hair until he fell asleep. Dean was quiet when he gave Sam directions.
Six states, too many hours, and several gas stations later, the bunker was in sight. Dean woke Castiel up.
"We're here, honeybee." He said softly, stoking his cheek.
Castiel awoke and looked around disorientedly. "Where?"
Dean chuckled quietly. He guided Castiel's gaze to a door. "It's bigger on the inside." He told him. "Come on, I'm sure you're more than ready to stretch your legs." He slid away from Castiel and got out of the car, walking around back for their bags. Castiel stood up out of the Impala. He waited patiently for Dean, leaning half on the roof of the car for support as his body woke up. Dean led him to the door by the hand.
Castiel inhaled sharply. Dean hadn't lied. The bunker looked like some sort of hobbit home from the outside, but the inside resembled a government facility. He followed Dean down the iron stairs with his go bag in tow. Castiel looked around at the place, taking note of the bookshelves lining the area in front of the long, dark wood table, where he assumed the boys ate their meals. Dean glanced over his shoulder to make sure he hadn't lost Castiel, then walked further into the bunker, flipping on light switches.
"I'm glad this place is still running smoothly, we're overdue for a win." Dean smiled a bit. "How far did you get in Dad's journal?" He asked.
"I nearly finished it. I've just got a few more pages to read before bed." Castiel replied, walking with Dean through various hallways.
Dean nodded. "Good." He said. "Now, it can be easy to get lost in here. There's passageways even Sam and I don't know about. Just call if you need anything, alright?" He stopped outside a closed door and turned to his boyfriend.
Castiel held his tongue. He wanted to ask if him and Dean were sharing a room, but this obviously meant the opposite. "Sure, Dean. Goodnight." He moved past Dean and opened his new bedroom, closing the door without giving Dean a chance to respond. After a moment, he took a little time to familiarize himself with the room.
It wasn't terribly big, nor terribly claustrophobic. There was a king sized bed in the middle of the room, jutting off from the wall. Beside that was a small end table and a lamp on top of that. To his left was a dresser and to his right was a desk, stocked with paper and writing utensils.
Castiel dropped his bag on the floor at the foot of the bed. He rummaged through it until he found a pair of pajama bottoms. He quickly undressed and put them on, feeling exhausted from seeing the bed. This wasn't the backseat of the Impala, it was a real bed, with blankets and fluffy pillows. It was absolutely luxurious to stretch his legs out completely as he turned on his side and fell asleep.
Dean knocked on the door in front of him slowly. He waited until he heard the pounding footsteps of his moose to let out the breath he'd been holding. Sam answered the door with his normally well-kept hair in a bed-inspired disarray. "Heya, Sammy." Dean smiled, pushing past him into the room.
"Dean, what are you doing at two in the morning? How are you still awake after the past two days?" Sam asked, giving his brother bitchface number thirty-seven.
Dean shrugged. "I can't sleep." He said, and although he'd meant it to be a light remark, he turned serious. "I just keep thinking about everything that's happened."
"Dean, you and Cas-"
"I'm not talking about Castiel, Sammy." Dean interrupted quietly. He looked down. "I tried to shoot myself at Jody's." He paused, biting his lip, and explained slowly, "I got out of bed when everyone was sleeping, and I got my gun from the car, and..." He shook his head once and threw his hand out.
Sam moved from the door to the bed. He sat beside his brother. "Dean..." he couldn't think of anything to say. What did you say to someone that tried to kill themselves?
Dean looked up, swiping at his eyes. "I'm fine. It was stupid anyway. Sorry for waking you." He was about to stand up, but Sam held him down.
"This doesn't just get fixed with 'I'm fine,' Dean. We need to actually talk about this."
Dean sighed. "I shouldn't have come. I shoulda just laid in bed and listened to music."
"Or drink yourself to sleep like usual." Sam replied in a disappointed tone. It hurt Dean, hearing his little brother who'd looked up to him for so many years discover he wasn't so great after all.
"I'm worthless." He said. "I'm stupid, and if I weren't here everyone would be better off, and now I'm... falling apart..." Dean whispered the last part, hanging his head. "I don't want to be here anymore. I'm so sick of all the shit that happens. I can't take it any longer!" He was sobbing now, quiet but heavy.
Sam pulled him into a hug. "You're not stupid, Dean." He mumbled, gripping his older brother's flannel. He felt Dean's body rise in a bitter laugh. "I'm serious." Sam pulled away, looking him in the eye. "You're the best hunter I know, you've saved my life, you raised me. There's not a chance I would've survived if I didn't have you. You know what would've happened, if you weren't here?" He asked. "I would have died. Dad would've left me. He knew I had demon blood. He blamed me for Mom." At the look on Dean's face he stated, "don't even try to deny it."
"I know what he thought of me. Dad would've left me to rot like the monster he believed I was. If you hadn't been there all those years to let me be a kid, Dean, I don't know what I would've done. You taught me the alphabet and all my numbers. You helped me with homework when I was stuck. You wanna know why everyone thinks I'm so smart? It's because you were there all along, making sure I didn't oversleep and that I got breakfast every morning."
"Dean, you've gotta know, if you hadn't been there, I wouldn't have made it past two. You're my brother. You've always been there for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We both had normal lives after Dad died. And yeah, it sucks they're over now, but we still have each other. I didn't lose my kids, and you didn't lose your boyfriend. Yes, by the way, he is your boyfriend. I don't care what Dad ever told you or what's happened, I was in love with Ruby, and you're in love with Cas. We need you, big brother. You don't get to leave us just yet." Sam smiled a bit, and Dean found the strength to smile back, if only a little.
He clasped Sam's shoulder. "Thank you, Sammy. I'm gonna go back to my room. Get some sleep." He walked out of the room without another word.
Castiel bolt upright as his mind registered knocking on his door. Squinting, he threw the covers back and climbed out of the bed. He opened the door to see Dean standing there with a hopeful look. "What do you need, Dean?" He asked, slurring slightly.
"I'm here to make things right. It wasn't normal to share a room before, but things are different now. So, come on." He held his hand out.
Castiel eyed it warily. Was he going to let Dean affect him?
With a small smile, Castiel took his hand and they both stared at each other. Dean used his free hand to cup Castiel's cheek and kissed him gently. He pulled away, and Castiel allowed himself to be led through the bunker to Dean's room. Dean was quiet as he passed one door, and motioned for Castiel not to speak. Castiel presumed the door to be Sam's. He followed Dean into his own room and closed the door softly as they stepped inside.
Looking around in the darkness, Castiel could only sense Dean. Nothing could be seen, but that didn't seem to be a problem. Dean's hands were on his face, kissing him slowly, and then they were on his back, and his neck, and at the base of his skull, cradling him. When Dean pulled away just a little bit, never going far, he was breathless. Castiel could hear his voice as he leaned to his ear.
"Come here." Dean's breath was hot against his neck. Suddenly, Dean's hands were on the backs of his thighs, and Castiel was lifted off the ground. He eagerly locked his ankles around Dean's back, kissing him fiercely. "Such a needy thing." Dean whispered lowly. Castiel responded in more kissing.
"I love you." He breathed. He felt Dean laugh.
"Ditto."
And somehow, that was better than hearing the words, for Castiel. That was his hunter. That was more than stupid, overused "I love you too," which meant so little anymore. That was the love he didn't need words to confirm. That was the love Castiel knew, in every piece of himself, Dean felt with him.
"Goodnight, Bumblebee." Dean mumbled into Castiel's hair as they laid in the sheets.
"Goodnight, Dean." A few minutes later, "Dean?"
"Yeah?" Came a sleepy reply.
"You only have sheets on your bed. I'm freezing."
Dean chuckled. "Here, Cas." He reached into the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a thick quilt. He draped it over him and Castiel. "Better?"
Castiel hummed in contentment and snuggled closer to Dean, burying his head in the crook of his arm.