I look back to my bed. What if the beds there aren't comfortable and I'm not able to sleep? Of course, I've slept on countless hotel beds that haven't been the most comfortable, surely I can do this. At last second, I grab a mini penguin stuffed animal and stuff it into my suitcase. For good luck.
Walking downstairs with my suitcase in hand, I see my parents waiting for me on the couch. They stand upon seeing me. "Are you ready?" my dad asks me.
"Not really," I mutter.
He tries to give me a reassuring smile. "Everything will be alright kid," he says, and I really hope he's right. I passed out again last night when I was exercising too hard. No one noticed since I was in my room and it was late at night. Still, it scared me and reminded me what I'm doing to my body. It was a little wake up call that I needed.
My dad puts my suitcase in the trunk of the car while I situate myself in the back seat. I pull out my phone and check Twitter, something I probably shouldn't do for the sake of my mental health.
My @'s are flooded with worries. A hope you feel better soon luke were thinking about you here, a please take care of yourself there, and the occasional you look sickly luke i hope you're getting help for whatever is going on.
Knowing some fans truly know what's going on makes me tense up. There's a few tweets addressing my "obvious eating disorder" as they say. It makes me cringe.
I'm about to put my phone away when I get an incoming text from someone.
Ashton: hey hope you're holding up alright. I believe you can get through this without a problem. I'll visit you as often as I can okay? you're strong, you've got this. love you man.
The text makes me smile, knowing someone believes in me so much. I barely believe in myself. I don't think any of this is going to go well. Maybe I should start thinking positive. Kevin did mention that thinking positive will help with the recovery process. I'll give positivity a try again I guess.
Luke: thanks ash, love u too :-)
I put my phone in my pocket and decide to stare out the window the rest of the ride there. Time flies as the panic inside of me rises and before I know it, we've arrived.
It's not the size of a hospital, maybe the size of one wing of a hospital. The outside walls are a pale red for the first floor and white for the second floor, with a terracotta coloured roof. The sign reads Walden Center for Eating Disorders in blue print. If I wasn't in such a melancholy mood, I'd laugh at the clashing colors.
My dad gets my suitcase out again and before I've even prepared myself for what's to come, we're heading inside.
"Welcome to The Walden Center, how may I be of service?" the man behind the desk asks us kindly. Last time when we came in for my intake, there was a girl at the desk. Now there's this cute guy.
"We're here to check in Luke Hemmings," my mom says emotionless, interrupting me from my thoughts. He nods before speaking again. "Let me lead you to the doctors office." We follow him down an empty hallway, to a set of rooms. One of the two doors are cracked open, and the man knocks on the cracked door. "I have Luke Hemmings here," he says to the doctor behind the door.
"Hello Luke, I'm doctor Cassidy Kelly. These are your parents I'm assuming?" the doctor asks me. I nod my head shyly, not comfortable in this atmosphere.
"Unfortunately you do need to fill out more paper work. Annoying, I know," she sighs. I feel that sigh through my whole being.
Paperwork only takes ten minutes to fill out, not bad compared to when I went to the intake. Once the paperwork is complete, the doctor starts talking again.
"I'm afraid this is where you'll have to say goodbye to your parents."
I look over to my parents and they both rush in to give me a bone crushing hug, my mom whispering that everything will be okay, we're here for you baby.
Then they go, leaving me with the doctor and my suitcase. Someone walks in after them. The doctor informs me that this is nurse Alice. She has a hospital bracelet with my name on it and she attaches it to my wrist. She proceeds to go through my suitcase very thoroughly. No part of my suitcase is left alone. All pockets are checked, all strings are either pulled out or I'm asked if I'd like to not use those hoodies while I'm here. I just tell them to pull the strings out. They take the laces out of my vans as well.
"It's a suicide risk," is what she says when I ask why strings aren't allowed. Hearing those words makes me realise how serious of a situation I've put myself into.
They ask me to strip down to nothing to get weighed. Before getting weighed though, they give me a hospital gown to wear. How awkward... wearing nothing but a hospital gown.
"Alright Luke, step on the scale," doctor Kelly says. I step on the electronic scale and finally, finally I get to see what I weigh. This will probably be the only time I get to see how much I weigh. The number flashes in my eyes, 51.4.
She writes the number down on her clipboard and says, "Your weight seems to be drastically lower than it was when you did your intake. Have you been eating normally?"
I shyly tell her what I've been eating in the past two weeks of being home, seeing the slight disappointment on her face.
"Okay Luke," nurse Alice turns to me, "there are a few things you can't have while you're in here, those being any strings and your phone that you've brought with you. These belongings will be locked up safely and will be returned to you at the end of your stay here." I nod in understanding, feeling exhausted from this all. She hands me the clothes I wore coming in and I get dressed again.
"If doctor Kelly is done, I can show you to your room," the nurse says.
"One last thing, when some people comes in here, they're put on movement restriction. This means that you can only get up and walk when necessary. Nurses will be watching you to make sure you aren't moving too much. It's for your safety and recovery," she says smiling. My mouth drops a little because, movement restriction, really?
Kelly nods, wishing me well and saying I will see her later.
As we walk to my room, the nurse points out what everything is. "This is the main area where everyone hangs out. That's the nurses station. If you ever need anything, come up to us there. And this is the hallway of patient rooms."
We walk down the hallway, halfway to the end, and stop at a door on the right, labelled with two names, one being mine, and another that reads Steven.
The room is bare, with a desk, two beds, and two bookshelves, which is where I'd assume my clothing goes, since that's where my roommates clothes are. There's also a bathroom attached to the room. The nurse gives me my suitcase so I can unpack all my belongings. Once done, she takes my suitcase - what could I do with a suitcase anyways? - and guides me out of the room, saying that it's group time. So I'm jumping right in I suppose.
She walks me to a large room filled with chairs and one couch. There's a tv, and tables that are spread out across the room. Some of the chairs are in a circle, where everyone is sitting. When I walk in, everyone turns to stare at me. Shit, I am the biggest one here, I think to myself.
I go to sit down. I guess there won't be any introduction, and I'm okay with that. No need to attract any more attention to me right now. They'll probably introduce me later.
A girl is talking about something, but I'm not paying attention. I'm spacing out, trying to wrap my mind around the reality of my situation.
There's only one other guy here, I'm assuming that's Steven. I wonder if he's nice. Everyone here seems to be older than me except for two other girls who look around my age.
Enough time passes that the group ends and everyone disburses. Well, almost everyone. Some people come up to me and introduce themselves. Too many names are being thrown at me to remember any except for Stevens.
"Ten minutes until lunch, by the way," a girl tells me. I've been shaking this whole time, but now I'm shaking even more. Meal time, right. People eat to survive. I'm fine. We're all here for the same reason, there's no need to feel nervous around these people.
"You can sit with us, if you'd like," another girl tells me, and I barely nod my head. They don't seem to mind that I'm terrified out of my mind, that I'm not talking.
"It's okay to be afraid, we've all been there. The first day is the hardest," Steven tells me, and I could cry from the kind words. I'm feeling so much emotion right now and those words truly help to soothe me. But I won't cry, I'll stay strong.
"Thank you," I whisper to him, and he smiles at me.
Lunch creeps up on me and before I know it, I'm sitting down at a table with Steven and three other girls whose names are Sammy, Marie and Olivia.
"Luke's your name, right?" Sammy says, looking at her food and sighing, before taking her fork and twirling it in the air.
I confirm my name to her and she seems pleased. "I'm not the best at remembering names," she tells me, "how old are you, by the way?"
"I'm eighteen," I tell them.
"You're the youngest person here then. I'm 19 myself," Olivia explains. The rest tell me their ages as well. Steven is 24, Marie is 25, and Sammy is 27. The ages here are pretty spread out I guess.
I look down at my meal, Mac and cheese with a side of pineapple. Everyone has started eating, but I haven't yet. I'm still staring at my food like it's trying to destroy me. But I decide that the food isn't going to eat itself if I just stare at it. I pick my fork up and stab a piece of pineapple. It's not too hard to put it in my mouth, chew, and swallow. I do that with another piece and it's easy actually. But that's where the ease ends. I have to eat the rest of this?
Maybe it's from being in a new environment, or being taken away from everything I know, but I start crying as I chew my third piece of pineapple, unable to swallow it. I know it's unacceptable to spit it out though, that'd be gross, so I try as hard as I can to swallow, putting my head in my hands.
"I can't do this, what was I even thinking coming here?" I voice out loud. A nurse starts to make her way over to our table after seeing my distress.
"Is everything okay, Luke?"
I shake my head no, unable to speak. She tries to talk to me but I shut out everything she says, continuously shaking my head. By now I'm sobbing so loud, everyone has spared a glance to me. The nurse leads me out of the dining room and into the hall.
"Darling, are you having a panic attack?" Now that she mentions it, I do realise I've broken out in a sweat and that my breathing is rapid. I'm shaking even more than I was before. This does seem similar to what happened on the plane, which feels like a century ago. I nod my head.
The nurse helps me through a breathing exercise, assuring me that I'm safe here and that there's no danger. She knows this is the wrong thing to say when I let out a loud sob. She repeats that I'm safe, but doesn't mention the danger part anymore.
The danger is food. Food will destroy me.
After some time, my sobs turn into small cries. I can hear her saying to go back to the dining room but I don't budge.
"Luke, you need to eat your meal. If you don't, you'll have to drink a supplement," she tells me. I shake my head, not believing that I'm in this situation, but follow her back into the dining room anyways. We only have half an hour to eat, apparently. If you don't finish your meal, you have to drink a supplement on top of what you ate. So it's not surprising that when I come back, half of the people are finished their meals.
I sit back down, and everyone asks me if I'm okay. I give them a small shaky nod, and Marie speaks up.
"The first meal is hard, but you can get through it," she says with a smile, "just take it one bite at a time."
That's good advice, I think to myself, stabbing a few pieces of Mac and cheese with my fork. When I put it in my mouth, everyone resumes a conversation I wasn't there for previously. It's nice, having people there but not having them pay any attention to me. The conversation is a pleasant distraction.
One bite at a time.
At some point, everyone leaves, but the nurse stays with me. She says I have more time to finish because of my panic attack. I'm nearly done though, just trying to get it over with by now.
And then I'm done. I'm done, and crying again. She leads me out of the dining room and into the main area where group was earlier. Everyone seems to be hanging out. The nurse shows me the schedule on the board on the wall at this point, and I wonder why I wasn't shown this earlier. Right now is supervised free time. When I ask what that means, the nurse explain that it means we can't really move too much, but we can watch tv, draw, write, play games, or other activities. I nod, and go to the couch where I cry a little bit more.
Never have I felt so alone in a room full of people.
~
The end of the day comes. Earlier I met with my therapist who explained the schedule for this place and how things work around here. He got to know me a little. All I learned about him was that his name is Mark.
I also met with my dietitian who helped me figure out what amount of calories I would be eating everyday from now on. It changes, going up a little more each day. I start out with 500 calories tomorrow, and go to 600 the next day.
I'm sitting on the phone with Ashton now. I had just got off the phone with my parents, pretending everything was fine, and needed someone to vent to. So when Ashton answers the phone to me sobbing, he's a bit shocked.
"What's wrong Luke, what's going on?" he asks me panicked.
"Nothing," I say trying to breathe, "I just wish I was home."
"You need to be there, it's what's best for you," he sighs.
"I know," I sniff, "I know this is what I need. I want to get better, but... I just didn't know it would be this hard. It's only the first day and I've already had a panic attack. It was so embarrassing, I had a panic attack over eating. It's not fair, everyone else in the world can eat normally, why can't I?!" I ask, angry tears streaming down my face.
"Because you're one of a kind Luke, you're not like everyone else. We all struggle with different things, yours just happens to be an eating disorder. But we can all overcome our struggles," he says brightly, trying to cheer me up. Hearing his cheery voice does seem to alleviate some of the pain in my chest. I take a long deep breath, composing myself.
"Thank you for cheering me up Ash," I tell him earnestly, still crying a little.
"Anytime Lukey," he says. I can hear his smile through the phone.
It's not long before I say my goodbye to Ashton. He tells me he'll visit tomorrow and I'm excited for that.
Now it's lights out. We're back to our rooms for the night. I was right about the bed being uncomfortable, this thing's as hard as a rock.
My thoughts start to take over. I had two meals today, lunch and dinner. All together it couldn't have been more than 350 calories, since the servings were small compared to everyone else's servings, but that's still so much for me. What scares me more is that the others eat more than I do. One day I'll be eating as much as they are. Oh boy, I don't know if I can handle that.
I try my best to fall asleep but it's no use. I lay awake staring at the ceiling, thoughts and anxiety racing around me.