Chapter Sixty-Nine
Eli
Ash doesn't talk on the way to his house, which I'm thankful for. I don't know if I can keep up with small talk. He throws me some sweats and tells me to get in the shower because I stink. While I'm in the shower, I allow my body to release some of the tension it's been carrying. I turn the water as hot as I can take it and allow it to almost burn my skin. I also let myself cry, just because I don't know how else to release the grief that's built up inside of me. I'm scared, I'll freely admit that. The possibility of losing Dani is very real right now and I don't know how to cope with that thought. I stay under the water until it turns cold. The shock of the cold water on my body brings me out of my thoughts so I get out and get dressed.
Ash's training t-shirt is a little bit small for me, but it'll do. The fit of clothes really doesn't seem important right now. I can smell food as I step out of the bathroom and my stomach growls loudly. I don't know how I didn't notice it before, but it now feels like my insides are eating themselves up because I'm so hungry.
“That's better. You don't smell so putrid now. I ordered in. Sit down and eat.”
He hands me a full plate, a fork and a beer as he turns to get his own food.
“So, what's going on in your head?”
“I don't even know right now.”
“How you holding up? I know it can't be easy on you.”
I scoff, “That's an understatement. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk. I really shouldn't take it out on any of you.”
“No, you shouldn't. But I'm sure you don't know where to place all the emotions you're feeling. I imagine you don't even know where your butt is right now...”
I smile a little at that and look behind me, just to try to lighten the mood. “Yep, it's still there.”
“Good, because it's a mighty fine rear, if I may be permitted to say so...”
I chuckle, the dude is actually nuts.
“There we go, he's returning slightly. I know you don't think it's proper to laugh or be normal, but that's what Dani would want you to do. She wouldn't want you to mope about and go out of your mind with worry.”
“I know, but it's so hard not to worry. I mean, we could lose her. I could lose her...”
“But we're not going to think about that right now. What we need to do is get to finding these scumbags and lock them up. I told the team we didn't know when you'd be back, but I think you need to get back to work. I know you want to spend all of your time by Dani's side, but that's going to drive you crazy. As your best friend I have to tell you that you need to focus on something else as well. As your team member, I'm telling you that I need you to come back and help me. Sure, I can lead the team for a few days, but there's a reason you're our CO. You're better at it than me. I will only ever say that once, so remember it well.”
I shoot him a smile and put some more food in my mouth. “I need to speak to the Cap. I don't know if I can focus on missions right now...”
He shoots me a look and chuckles, “You're the king of focusing, Eli. You can get in the zone no matter what. Just don't let your mind drive you crazy. There's no going back once you allow that box to open.”
I nod, knowing exactly what he means. If I open that box , then I'm risking all of my army memories surfacing again. Those are things I don't really think about and we don't really discuss them. On a completely unrelated note, I try to change the subject, “Do you think she has any thoughts right now? Or is it just darkness for her?”
“I don't know, Eli. What makes you ask that?”
“She's scared of the dark. I don't want her to be scared.”
“I think if she was scared, then you'd know. She's hooked up to so many machines and monitors that one of them would alert you if she was distressed. You know her better than anyone and I'd like to think you'd know if she was scared, even if she can't tell you herself. You need to get some rest, man. If you want to come into work with me, I'm leaving at half 6.”
“Ok. Night Ash, and thanks.”
“No worries. Night.”
Before I know it, it's time to wake up. I don't even remember falling asleep. I must have been really tired. I get ready to go with Ash and I'm ready at 6:07am. I decide to call the hospital while I'm waiting, just to check in. I get the nurse's station in the ICU; Nurse Mandy is still at the desk. I've got to know most of the nurses by their first names by now. I suppose it's not really normal for a SWAT Lieutenant to sit in one of the rooms for 3 days straight, stinking out the joint, in uniform as well.
Nurse Mandy assures me that everything is as I left it. Dani is exactly as she was when I left the night before. She tells me she'll get the doctor to call me if there's any change.
“Doctor Stone has just been in to check Dani's vitals because he's clocking off now. Doctor McGuire will call you if there's any change when he checks in later. Lieutenant? I'm glad you took a break. You've had all of us nurses worried. Dani is in good hands, so please, trust us to take care of her.”
“Yes ma'am. Thank you.”
By the time I finish my call, Ash is ready to go. He raises his eyebrows, “Everything ok? That was the hospital, right?”
“Yeah. No change.”
“At least Dani hasn't worsened. Come on, let's get out of here.”
The team looks shocked to see me when I step onto our floor. They all tell me they're pleased to see me and they ask about Dani. I just tell them the only thing I can, that there's no change and we're waiting. Thankfully, the Cap calls me, saving me from having to talk any more.
I take a glance at Dani's desk as I walk to the Cap's office. The stack of files that were placed on her desk the morning of the bomb scare have been removed and it seems like every trace of her coming back has been erased. I know work has to continue, and while she's not here someone has to take her work load, but it just hits me a little bit more than I expected. I quickly turn away from the desk and look at the opposite wall as I walk into the Cap's office.
I take a seat in front of the his desk and let out a deep breath.
“How you holding up, Eli?”
“I don't know how to answer that, sir.”
“I'm sure you're all over the place right now. I need to talk seriously with you. You up to it?”
“Yes sir. Go ahead.”
“First, I have to say that I am disappointed you didn't say anything to me about this, Eli. I really wish you'd have told me Dani was your CI. We could have given her protection...”
“I was protecting her, sir. If it would have been a normal day, she'd have been with me. Unfortunately, they used our job as a distraction. We knew the risks; she knew the risks. She didn't want anyone else in or near her apartment. I know I should have insisted, I know I failed her. I also know that I failed in my job and I broke protocol and I have to live with the consequences of that. I should have done a lot of things differently, but you don't know what I know about Dani. You don't know what would have happened if I'd have tried to make her do something she didn't want to do. Do I regret not trying? Sure, of course I do, but having her not hate me or scared of me was more important at the time. I apologize for not reading you in and not doing my job properly, but there were other factors that you don't know about...”
“That's what we need to discuss. You're going to have to read me in on this. We have to run an investigation and we need your intel to do that. How much detail we give everyone else depends on what you tell me right now. I'm not asking you, Eli. I'm ordering you to tell me what you know...”
I sigh, “Yes sir.”
I knew this day would come and I'm thankful that the Cap has given me this much leeway with everything. I throw him the same information I gave my dad and Ash, maybe putting in slightly more detail than they got. I have to make it look like I'm at least trying. I tell him that they had her for 10 years and that she was used as a prostitute. I don't tell him about the torture or the other things she had to endure though, because that's unnecessary for this investigation and too shameful for Dani if she ever returns. She'd be so ashamed to know the Cap knows this information.
When I have finished talking, the Cap picks up the closest thing to him and throws it across the room. It just so happens that it's his telephone and it rips the cord from the wall. In that moment, realization hits me and I think about how much Dani has wormed her way into our lives without even trying, quite the opposite really. She's run away from pretty much every form of contact, not just physical contact. She's run away from the social side of life as well, yet she's still managed to affect us all.
I give the Cap a few minutes to process and get a hold of himself before asking, “What's happening with the investigation?”
“I shouldn't really be discussing this with you, but as long as this conversation stays between us, then I'll fill you in.”
“Of course, sir.”
“Ok. They've finished processing the scene. Dani's apartment is cleared so you can go back in there if you need to. We found trace evidence and Tom is running that. Dani had skin under her nails, so we're running for DNA now, but nothing has popped up so far. Did you notice any money in the house?”
I shut my eyes, picturing the scene in my head. I do a walk through, trying to picture everything. I open my eyes before I get to the part where I see Dani's body. “There were some 100's on the bedroom drawers, but it wasn't there when I left in the morning. Dani doesn't really carry bills because she doesn't go anywhere to spend it.”
“And it's definitely not your's? We won't find your prints on it?”
“No sir, it's not mine. You'll find my prints all over the place, but definitely not on that money.”
“Good, I was hoping you'd say that. As it stands, we're doing everything we can to gather enough evidence to bring Babkin in. If we can find substantial evidence, then we can hold him. Once he's inside these walls, I don't want to let him out of them; not if I can help it. I know that Baker and Jones' Captain is supposed to be running point on this, but I called in a favor. He's happy for me to lead his detectives in this.”
“Good. I want it to stay up here as well.”
“Where do you want to go from here? I need to speak to this Arrow guy...”
“Not a chance. I'm not calling him off until Babkin has been arrested. Don't even think about trying to get him in here, because he won't do it.”
“Ash said the same thing. He said Arrow will only listen to your stand down command.”
“Yes sir. I'm not going to risk losing Babkin. That's the way it is.”
“Understood. I'll go with you on this one. I'm on Tom and Rachael constantly for information, so when I know something, you'll know it as well. Do you have any other names of suspects?”
“No sir. Just Babkin and the Petrov guy. I didn't know Petrov's last name until you said it in the hospital. Did she shoot him?”
“Yeah. She had GSR on her hands and there were seven rounds out of her gun, so it would suggest she took the shoots. I have to say, I'm rather impressed that she hit the target all seven times, she must have been scared...”
“Petrified. You have no idea how scared she was of these people. We've been at the range almost every night for the past few months. She's been doing so well. What else was there?”
The Cap frowns and looks at the floor as he mutters, “They found signs of recent sexual activity. The doctor strongly believes it wasn't consensual.”
“I know. He told me. Was there any DNA?”
“Not to my knowledge, but they are still processing all of the evidence. There was a lot of mess in there, so it's taking some time to go through it all.”
I think out loud, “I almost don't want them to find any DNA, because if they do, then I'll know exactly who I want to kill...”
“You can't do that, Eli. I know how you feel, but you can't do anything to jeopardize your career or your freedom.”
“I'm not going to do anything stupid. And with all due respect, sir, you can't possibly know how I'm feeling. I get that you're angry or whatever, but you can't possibly feel what I feel right now.”
“No, you're right. Of course I'm angry and I'm upset, but I don't care about Dani the way you do, so I can't feel the same way. That was insensitive of me, sorry. Are you heading back to the hospital now or are you coming back to work?”
“I don't know. I think I should run through some training and head to the range before I think about clocking in. I need to make sure my head is clear enough to dal with work right now.”
“Take the day to collect yourself and start tomorrow. You need to be focused if you're running this team. If there's any change in Dani's condition, you need to call me.”
“I will. Thanks Cap.”
“You're welcome. Just make sure you take care of yourself as well.”
As I stand up to leave, the Cap looks rather uncomfortable as he quietly says, “I have to ask, Eli. Is there any chance we'll find your DNA in her?”
I'm actually not shocked by this question. I was waiting to see who'd ask me.
“No sir. On her? Sure. But not anywhere else.”
“You're sure about that? I don't want anything taking us by surprise and risking the case.”
“I'm sure, Cap.”
“Ok. Sorry, but I had to ask.”
I nod as I leave his office. I head straight to the range, where Simon greets me solemnly. He doesn't ask if it's true, he doesn't even ask me what happened. All he says is, “I'm hoping for the best, sir.”
“Thanks.”
“The 2 end booths are free and here's maximum rounds.”
“Thanks Simon.”
I shoot as much of my anger out as I possibly can. My aim starts out trash, as my anger is clouding my judgement. By the end of the rounds it's back to some form of normality, so I call it quits and finish up. I go to run some training, asking for a particularly difficult scenario, mostly to test me and also to work out some more of my emotions. I'm sure my score isn't very good, but I don't hang about to find out what it is. I just take off my gear and go to find Ash. I tell him I'm going the hospital and he promises to stop by after his shift finishes.