Hi all!
Cannot believe we're coming to an end on this book soon. Just nine chapters left :O
CW: Tyler has a panic attack in this chapter, stay safe if that's difficult for you <3
Love, Cam
♡
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Tyler
When Sorcha returned from Ireland, she looked both incredibly pleased with herself and incredibly nervous, so it was no surprise when she announced that she had something to share with me.
"You're making me nervous now," I told her, as she dramatically told me to sit down.
"Just do it," she said, and I sat down. Taking a deep breath, she flung her arms wide and said, "Tyler, I'm dating your sister."
There came a silence so deep and intense I was pretty sure I could hear the crickets in the next county. I blinked rapidly, trying to actually process the five words she had just said, but none of them were actually absorbing into my brain.
"I..." I trailed off, and then waved my hand. "Repeat, please?"
"I'm dating your sister," she cheerfully supplied. It did not help that she missed a word off this time, as 'Tyler' had been the only word that had really gotten through the thick 'what the fuck' barrier in my head.
"I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this," I told her.
"Yeah, I figured that was probably the case," she mused, and then tapped her lips thoughtfully with her index finger. "One sec."
She fiddled about with her phone for a moment, and then showed me a photo of her with Siobhan, them grinning like fools at the camera while they sipped iced lattes. I recognised the coffee shop as the local place Siobhan liked to go after work.
"Okay, it's starting to settle into my brain, keep going," I told her.
Sorcha shrugged. "We talked a lot, that day of the party we threw for Sask. Awny was stressed out, mostly because she'd been doing that thing where she dedicates herself to helping everyone else manage their own emotions and shoving hers deep down somewhere inside her."
Yep, that sounded about right. "Okay..." I said. I had been distracted at that party, having just yelled at Colin in a sleep-deprived state of mind.
"We just talked out the whole thing, and then she just sort of asked what stuff I was going to include of mine in the gallery," Sorcha said, and took the seat opposite me, smiling. "So we went through my sculptures and she helped me move the phoenix, which was nice of her. And we just kept chatting. It was... easy. Surprisingly easy. I don't ever remember it being easy with Siobhan before."
"You used to get on each other's last nerves," I said distantly, letting the information sink in. Sorcha was dating my sister. They were seeing each other. They were chatting. They were doing things together. They were going for coffee.
"Anyway, we went for a cuppa the day after," Sorcha shrugged. "I asked her, and she said yes. We didn't really mean it to be a date, but we had a good time. We talked a bunch about her work, and my travels, and we didn't spend the time thinking about the old times, we just... got to know each other. As new people."
I nodded, thinking about it. In a way, I'd been thinking of them both as the Sorcha and Siobhan of the past, the two stubborn individuals who wouldn't bend an inch to compromise with the other. I had linked the two of them together with that time period, and had forgotten to look at them as the people they were now.
It made sense. They were very similar people in so many ways, appreciative of art, fiercely loyal, independent, ambitious, clever... and they had both learned to bend, just a bit.
"I take it you were going to Ireland to see her, then?" I asked. "Not the supposed friends?"
"Please, who have I ever kept in touch with in Ireland other than you?" she snorted. "I'm surprised you didn't question it sooner. Look, Siobhan was nervous about telling you - or anyone, actually, that's a big thing for her."
It was, that was true. Siobhan didn't announce her relationships to the world unless it was serious. "Is... is it serious?" I asked.
"Well," Sorcha considered my words carefully. "Yes and no. No in the sense that no, we're just seeing how things go, we're only just starting out. But yes in the sense that we can't ever just be normal people starting to date, we've got history and I live with her brother and niece in another country."
I breathed out slowly, and said, "Well, I can't say I'm not surprised. Because I am frankly flabbergasted."
"Yeah, that tracks," she replied, nodding.
"But... I'm not surprised that you suit each other," I offered, trying to put my thoughts into words. "I think... I think it could be really great, actually."
"Yeah?" she asked, smiling.
"Yeah," I nodded. "Siobhan's a bit... uptight. I think you'd bring out the fun in her. She's got a lot of it, she's just a bit bound by sensible decision making. I reckon you could make her a bit more spontaneous."
"I'm having a go," Sorcha grinned. "And she's a good grounding influence on me, I think. Reminds me to schedule stuff and organise my life. And she's a very reflective person." She hesitated, and said, "She... she's encouraging me with my mother."
I nodded thoughtfully. "Are you going to see her?"
"Not yet," Sorcha replied cautiously. "I'm calling her once a week at the rehab centre. I think it's partially to check that she's still there. She's got three more full-time weeks there, and then she drops down to part-time. I'm going to visit her then, to help her move into her new flat."
I nodded. "Want me to go with you?"
"No, it's okay, Awny is going to come with me," Sorcha smiled, but squeezed my hand. "Thanks, though. I think it has to be Siobhan, because she keeps me steady. If you were there I think you'd be emotionally supportive but you might struggle to keep me and Mum sensible."
I grinned. "Well, that sounds about right." A thought occurred to me. "Do you want me to explain this to Saskie?"
"No, I'll do it," Sorcha shook her head. "I just wanted you to know first, so you had time to sort through your feelings about it."
"I appreciate that," I replied, because I was honestly still a little dazed. It felt bizarre, seeing that photo of Sorcha and Siobhan clearly having a great time together, rather than avoiding each other and making snarky comments. "Are... are you happy?"
"It's only been a few weeks, but yes," Sorcha smiled, and patted my hand. "I'll let you know when we're getting married."
I laughed. "Thanks, I'll bear that in mind."
*****
Elliot and I were having a movie night at his flat, and by movie night I mostly meant ignoring the movie and kissing him silly while the cats meowed for attention. I set off a bit early, not wanting to get dragged into the argument Sorcha and Saskie were starting about dinner.
I decided to walk, rather than drive, so I could have a drink or two. Well, partially that. Partially because while I had readjusted to driving, I was still nervous about driving in the city centre, particularly near the crossroads where we had been hit by the other car. I had spoken with the insurance company that day, and I was feeling a bit delicate about the topic, so I decided to walk.
I was a good fifteen minutes early to Elliot's, and I knew he was out with his friend Joshua and the guy's dog, so I wondered whether or not I should go and grab a couple of coffees to-go to fill the time. As I headed up to Elliot's place, however, I saw him and a tall, slim man along with a very sweet-looking dog, standing outside of Elliot's place.
They were laughing, Elliot to the point of bending over and tears forming in his eyes. It should have made me smile, but I felt something uneasy shift inside me and I didn't know why.
"Elliot," I forced a smile, waving as I approached.
Elliot looked over in surprise, laughter interrupted, and beamed, waving back. "Tyler! You're early."
"Sorcha and Saskie were having a very intense debate about what to have for dinner," I grimaced. "I didn't want to get dragged into it."
"What were the options?" Elliot asked.
"Sorcha wanted Chinese, Saskie wanted pizza," I supplied.
Elliot considered it, and said, "Yeah that's a tough choice. I wouldn't want to be dragged into that either." He grinned at his friend and said, "Joshua, this is Tyler, my boyfriend. Tyler, this is Joshua."
The tall man smiled at me and offered his hand. "Nice to meet you, Tyler, I've heard a lot about you."
He had a nice smile. In fact, he had a nice face; he was very handsome. I swallowed, and shook his hand. "Yeah, you too, man. Nice to meet you." I turned to the dog; the dog was likely to soothe whatever was going on in my head. "Oh wow, you're lovely."
The dog wagged its tail, and I immediately fell in love, because it was a dog and therefore I was duty-bound to love it.
Joshua grinned. "Yeah, this is Scottie. Say hi, Scottie." Scottie was a lovely, if jumpy, spaniel, and I gave him plenty of pets, because regardless of how jumbled my emotions were, I was no monster.
"How was your walk?" I asked politely, and I could hear that my voice was strained. Why was my voice so strained?
"Great!" Elliot said enthusiastically, and took out his phone. "We actually saw squirrels - Joshua got this photo of them while I restrained Scottie from, y'know, eating them."
He pushed a photo in my face of a group of very cute squirrels hanging out, blissfully ignorant of the dog that was about to chase them all. Elliot flipped to the next photo, a selfie of the two of them with Scottie in the middle, both of them pretending to kiss the dog's cheeks.
"Cute," I smiled, but it was forced. My chest felt tight.
"So what's on the agenda for today?" Joshua asked, smiling at me. God, he really was good-looking. He was elegant and slender, and even when dressed to go walking the dog he looked like he'd just stepped out of a photoshoot. He was pretty, very pretty.
"Movie night," Elliot smiled, absent-mindedly stroking Scottie's ears. "I haven't seen pretty much every movie ever made, so Tyler is giving me education in pop culture. Tonight's delightful screening: Shrek."
Joshua blinked at him. "Literally how have you never seen Shrek? Everyone has seen Shrek."
"I know, I know," Elliot held up his hands in defence. "I'm getting my education! And then we can watch it with Saskie, because she won't watch it with me until I know the lines."
Joshua grinned at that. "Amazing. Your kid sounds pretty damn awesome, Tyler."
"She is." That was at least a more genuine smile from me; even when I was feeling weird, Saskie would never fail to brighten my day.
"Well, Shrek is a classic, I refuse to hear anything other than how amazing it is," Joshua elbowed Elliot. My eyes followed the movement. I felt tense at the sight of them touching. What the hell was happening to me?
"You can join us if you want," Elliot offered, checking his watch. "Although if you do, I recommend using my shower, because we both smell horrendous."
"Oh, thanks," Joshua snorted, unbothered. "Nah, I've got to get Scottie home, and as much as I love your cats, I think Pumpkin would throw a fit if I brought a spaniel into your flat. I'll see you Tuesday."
"Okay, man," Elliot said, and they hugged a quick goodbye. "See you Tuesday!"
"Nice to meet you," I said, my lips feeling numb.
"Yeah, you too, Tyler," Joshua smiled, and took Scottie's leash from Elliot. Their fingertips brushed. For a moment, my heart was in my throat.
Then suddenly, Joshua was gone, and I was following Elliot into his flat while he talked about the squirrels and how they were fed so often by students living nearby, they were pretty much tamed and would eat right out of your hand. I nodded along, barely absorbing the information. I felt sick, and I didn't know why. Everything felt wrong.
"I'm off! See you later!"
I blinked, the memory swimming to the surface of my mind. Colin, cheerfully letting me know he was going to hang out with his new friend, Andrew. Colin, getting in late. Colin, laughing at something Andrew had said.
"Tyler?"
My vision was clouded. A blurry shape passed in front of me, and I felt someone touch my arms, but they didn't feel like my arms anymore. I felt vaguely distant from my body, as though I was just a little to the left of where I was actually standing.
"Tyler, breathe, love."
I sucked in air, realising just how quickly my chest was rising and falling. It hurt, actually, quite a bit. It felt tense and scary.
"Tyler, just listen to my breathing, okay? Try to follow the rhythm."
I could do that. I listened. A breath in. A breath out. God, that felt so slow. Why should I breathe so slowly? It felt like I needed to breathe in sharply, to fill my lungs, to calm the shaking.
"You're doing so well, love. You just need to keep going. Follow my breathing."
It was shaky, but I kept going with the rhythm, no matter how stressful it felt to slow the intake of air. I didn't know how long it was going, existing only as far as the next breath in or out, but my vision started to clear and I saw Elliot's face. He looked concerned, but steady, and I focused on that as I came back round to my body and to reality. I felt awful; shaky and cold, with weak limbs and the sensation of having been scrubbed raw.
I swallowed and realised how dry my throat was. Elliot noticed this and said, "I'll get you some water. Okay?"
I clung to him briefly, but nodded and let him go, sitting down on the sofa. Pumpkin jumped into my lap and I gently stroked her forehead, feeling her purrs vibrate through my thighs. It felt good, something to ground me in my body. Her fur was so soft.
"Here you go, darling," Elliot handed me a glass of water, and sat next to me, also giving Pumpkin a scratch behind the ears. "Good girl, Pumpkin. Looking after our boy."
I smiled despite myself, taking a drink of water and exhaling a shaky, but slow breath. "Sorry, I don't... I don't know what happened."
"I think you had a panic attack, love," Elliot said gently, and put his arm around me. "No need to apologise, though, I've seen them plenty of times before. Rowan used to get them loads growing up, before she transitioned."
I nodded, taking another shaky breath. "I haven't had one before. I, uhh, I spoke to the insurance company today. Maybe that was it."
"Sometimes they come without triggers, honestly," Elliot said sympathetically. "The nasty ones are the ones that happen when you can't predict it. I'm sorry you had to experience that. You did very well, though, you really listened to me and worked really hard."
I wanted to shy away from the praise, but I just nodded and said, "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said, and kissed my forehead. "Thank you for trusting me. Is there anything I can do? I know you avoided driving here, but is there anything else that might cause you stress about the car?"
"I... I don't think it was about the car," I admitted, and slumped. "I think it was about Colin."
There was a slight pause, and then Elliot said, "Did he say something to you?"
"No, I haven't heard from him since their visit," I breathed out slowly. The dots were starting to connect, and I really didn't like the picture it was revealing. "I... I think I just... oh God, please don't think I'm a psycho-"
"Tyler, you're panicking again," Elliot smiled, taking my hand gently and returning it to pet Pumpkin. Right, the cat. I could focus on the cat. "Just take it slowly. What's up?"
"Joshua," I said, feeling horribly guilty. "I think meeting him might have set something off in me. About... well, about when Colin met Andrew."
There was another pause, and then Elliot said, "You think I'm cheating on you with Joshua?"
"No," I replied, and was relieved to find that was the honest answer. "No, I don't think that at all. I just... Colin met Andrew while we were still together, and at first it was just a friendship. They seemed like good friends, connected right away, and they spent a lot of time just laughing together. I thought it was good, because a lot of our friends were our friends, y'know? Couple friends. Honestly, we'd fallen out of touch with loads of them anyway."
Elliot nodded, staying quiet while I talked.
"And it's like now, I look back at those times, when they were laughing together," I said, my voice small. "And I add my own realisations to the mix - even when they were genuinely just friends, my brain tells me that every memory I have of them together must have been sinister in nature, it must have been them laughing at me."
Elliot took my hand, but still kept quiet.
"And I saw you laughing with Joshua," I said, feeling pretty pathetic. "And I love that you have good friends. I'm so glad that you have a thriving social life and you have good times with your friends, without me - especially that, actually. I would hate for your whole social world to be me, Sorcha, and Saskie. Not that we're not awesome-"
"You're very awesome," Elliot interjected, clearly unable to help himself.
"-but I like that you have friends that aren't also my friends," I shrugged. "But I saw you laughing and my chest did something weird and then suddenly there were these memories of Colin just springing up..."
I trailed off, not knowing what else to say, and Elliot nodded, leaning back against the sofa cushions. "I think that's understandable," he said eventually, having considered my words for some time. "Look, I've never been in your situation, I have no idea how hard it must be to deal with that kind of betrayal. But... I get it in the sense that some bad things from the past can get all mixed up with the present."
I nodded.
"My parents kinda sucked," he added. "Especially to Rowan. I mean, she came out, and they didn't want to accept that, so we bounced. We were old enough to cut ties and be okay with that. But sometimes, when I see people with happy parents, yeah, my own insecurities about my parents come out. It's not the same, of course-"
"I think it's a bit the same," I replied.
"Maybe," he nodded. "Look, the main thing is to not beat yourself up about having feelings. You're still dealing with this stuff, Tyler. You're still coping with the loss of your marriage, settling into this new life - and damn, you're doing very well. Incredible coping strategies, really great support network, dedication to your kid, you're absolutely acing it. But it's going to bubble up every now and then."
The mention of Saskie made me feel a sudden ache inside, and I took a deep breath. "Elliot, I really want to do our movie night, but I think I need to be with Sask right now."
Elliot looked saddened by that, but he didn't argue. He got to his feet, offered me his hand, and said, "Well, let me walk you home."
I took his hand, shooing Pumpkin off my lap, which she took without complaint, and let him lead me towards the door. It felt a bit like running away, to avoid facing an evening with Elliot after my freak out, but I also wanted to be alone. Well, with Saskie, but mostly alone. I needed to sort through some feelings, and I didn't think a date was the right place to do that.
Elliot walked me home, filling the quiet with idle chatter, and I joined in every so often but my heart wasn't in it. I felt numb and emotional at the same time. I wanted to perk up, to give him something to work with, but I was exhausted by the turmoil.
"Let me know how you're feeling tomorrow, okay?" Elliot asked, as we reached the door to the gallery.
I nodded, and kissed the back of his hand. "I will."
*****
Sorcha: why are you home so early?
Tyler: uh, tell you later
Sorcha: okay, but while you're here... PLEASE DECIDE WHAT WE SHOULD EAT