((Sad chapter ; not edited))
January 11th, 2017
No matter how much time you spend with someone, it will always end. No one can spend as much time as they'd like with their favourite person no matter how much they wish they could. Life always gets in the way, whether it's school or a job or something else.
It might not make sense, but when you have someone as close to you as I felt Will was to me, you'll understand.
It was the first week of school, the Thursday, first day of exams. I had 3 exams out of four classes and today was my English exam. I thought I was prepared after studying for so long, but it was painfully obvious today was a bad day when I woke up. I felt panicked and shaky as I got ready for school, knowing I could do nothing about how I felt and would have to get today over with, hopefully doing well on the glorified test.
Will had started back at university on Monday as I did, and was so caught up in his job and homework I haven't seen him since Sunday when we spent the last day of break studying at the café.
We texted, obviously, and always told each other about our separate days, but it was brief. I missed my best friend.
I was just clingy.
And probably really annoying.
I was clingy and annoying and Will was probably glad he has a break from me and my burdens and my obnoxious tendencies to have panic attacks and mental breakdowns.
It probably wasn't a good thing I was worrying about me and Wills friendship as I was finishing my exam.
Somehow, even though I was panicking eternally, and Bianca has already paid me two visits, I felt like I was doing well on the test.
I would think back to my studying days with Will when he would give complicated things stupid abbreviations and other methods to remember them.
There were a ton of multiple choice, which is helpful for some people, but horrible for me.
There was some type of poetry, and I had to identify it, but with four choices and Bianca in the back of my mind, my head was all jumbled and I couldn't think straight.
I put my hands over my eyes as they began to water under pressure and exhaustion.
I went through my memories as best I could, and came across Will, one foot on the table and the other on his chair, arm in the air and reciting really bad poetry,
"Will is pretty great,
He makes all of the girls swoon
And the boys as well"
And then he winked at me and sat back down satisfied.
I looked up from my hands, a ghost of a smile on my lips and I circled b) a haiku.
I sighed. I only had 25 minutes left and 6 more questions.
My head gave a painful throb and my stomach lurched making me feel dizzy. Black spots danced in my vision.
I didn't sleep much last night; I couldn't, I was too scared for today.
Will stayed up and kept me company over phone, until 1:00 when he decided he was too tired to stay up. I didn't blame him.
I need to leave the silent room, if only for a few minutes. I felt like I was going insane.
I stood up abruptly, and every student around me stared, along with the teacher, who's head shot up in question.
"Nico, sit down please," she said calmly once she saw it was me. Mrs. North was an okay teacher. She was in her 50s probably and was really unorganized all of the time- but she actually paid attention to me and didn't dismiss all of my problems like my geography teacher did.
"M-mrs. North can I g-go to th-t-the bathroom please?" I stuttered, picking at the side of my thumb nail. I looked down and saw it started to bleed.
"Nico," she sighed looking around at all of the other students who were staring at her, seeing what she would say. Technically, you weren't really allowed to go unless it was an emergency, but at the start of class the teachers confiscate everyone's electronics, no matter what it is, so it's not like I could take anything with me.
I glanced over the room, and was hooked on everyone's eyes that were judging me and the teacher. I saw Camilla giving the teacher a glare, practically daring her to say no. If she did I knew Camilla would have something to say about that.
"Fine, I want you back in less than 5 minutes," she huffed and waved me away. I closed my eyes in relief, and then walked out of the classroom.
I shut the door, and looked down both sides of the hall. It was was completely and utterly empty. Completely vacant. It was bare and desolate. It was nothing like it usually was. I felt like I'd traveled into a different universe, the opposite of my school, where there were always people around.
When I hurried to the bathroom, I heard something behind me, but that was impossible considering there was no one around.
I checked behind me anyways. There was nothing there, obviously.
I arrived at the boys bathroom and opened the door, thanking every god in existence it was also uninhabited.
As the door was closing, I heard a crash outside. I didn't check this time, because it was probably my imagination, just like most things in my life.
I went to the bathroom and then stood at the sink after washing my hands.
The mirror beside this one was completely shattered, and the sink had gum stuck to all sides. My mirror was covered in fingerprints.
Why people were touching the mirror with their dirty fingers made no sense to me.
I rubbed my cold hands over my eyes and got forehead. When they opened again, Bianca was standing behind me with a smug smirk on her face.
I turned to face where she would be if she was real, but she wasn't there. I looked back at the mirror. She was right behind me.
"You're going to fail your exam Nico, don't kid yourself. You're slower than the average sloth and have a memory worse than a goldfish. Did you really think you would do well?" She laughed maliciously, like she had made the funniest joke in the entire world.
"I'm doing fine," I growled angrily at her. How could someone I loved so much be my worst enemy?
Bianca took off her green hat, pretended to dust it off, and then placed it back over her hair, the same tone and sheen as my own. I used to love how much I looked like her. Now I despised it.
Thankfully, her influences have kept me inside, so I was paler, my hair was thinning from stress and the bags under my eyes were purple.
She tsked under her breath with her eyes closed and an amused smile on her face,
"I love your faith in yourself Nico," she giggled,
"It's so cute!"
She stepped closer to me and breathed on my neck. I felt it, even though it was impossible.
"You're a piece of shit. You're never going to graduate or go to university. You'll never do anything important in your life, you'd be better dead," she walked away and once she was out of view from the mirror, she was gone.
I looked at myself in the mirror, and noticed the tears on my cheeks and my red eyes.
I hated how true her words were. I hated how they made me feel.
I groaned out loud and rubbed my hands over my face again, wiping away the water away.
Then I realized someone had walked in.
They were were watching me from the door which was closed behind them and not movingly. I glared at them and shoved by them to go back to class.
I walked in avoiding the eyes of everybody I could feel staring at me, and shut the door with my back facing them. I looked up at the red numbers on the analog clock and saw I had taken 7 minutes. I squeezed my eyes shut knowing that the teachers eyes were one of the pairs glaring at me. I opened them and turned slowly.
Camilla, who was sat right next to door (I was on the other side) caught my eyes and communicated through them. From what I could guess she was questioning if I was ok. My eyes were probably still red.
I looked down and began to walk towards my desk.
Halfway there, I was stopped by Mrs. North's disapproving voice.
"Nico, you just spent 7 minutes out. It should've taken you at the most three," she said. I stood frozen in place looking down.
"I k-know Mrs. North, I'm sorry, I-i lost track of t-t-time," I whispered loud enough for her to hear me.
"You should know better than this you're going to be 18 soo- nico look at me," she snapped harshly, making me flinch. I wanted to disappear into the shadows, away from all of the people staring at me.
I slowly turned to face her. As soon as she saw my face hers softened. I hated that. It meant she was pitying me.
"Nico I want you to stay after the period is over please," she said tenderly, and then waved me to my desk. I heard a few hushed snickers around the room when I went to my desk and sat down.
I had 15 minutes left. I finished the last 5 questions quickly, leaving me with one in the last 7 minutes. I couldn't think of anything. It was only worth 2 marks, and I know I should've known what it was, but I couldn't think straight. I knew Bianca was right. I was stupid. I was so dumb I couldn't think of a two sentence answer to the question.
I'll probably fail. I won't go to college, or graduate.
I wanted to graduate so bad. I wanted to prove I could live normally even with one or two differences.
The bell rang before I knew it, and I had stared at the page doing nothing.
Everyone stood, handing in their exams, some looking tired, others angry and the rare satisfied person that thought they did well. I just sat there waiting for whatever the teacher would say.
Camilla was the last one to leave, waving her phone in the air to get my attention and then mouthing 'I'll wait outside for you,' before slipping out.
I didn't want her to wait. I wanted to go straight home and lock myself in my room and sleep. I didn't want to talk or use anymore energy.
Mrs. North was in front of me all of a sudden, taking my test, looking at the empty last question, then at me. She waved me over to her desk.
I sighed and picked up my bag, dragging it over to her. I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up and collapse all at the same time. I felt so tired.
"Nico, this is the last day you'll have me as a teacher, and I just want you to know that you can always talk to me," she said, shuffling all of the tests and straightening them on the left side of her computer.
"Yes Mrs. North," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes and then picking at my thumb again. I seethed, looking down at it. I had forgotten I made it bleed and it was coated in dry blood and it stung bad from the skin I had scratched away.
"Nico, are you still seeing someone about.. everything?" She asked, folding her hands in front of her and glancing down at my fingers. My thumb was the worst, but the skin was so worn down on each finger it was painful to look at. She winced and then changed her vision to my face to be polite. I couldn't look at her face, because I knew what type of expression would be on it. I stared at the chipped corner of the desk instead.
"Y-Yea," I muttered.
"And is it helping?"
"Yes,"
"Are you sure?"
I hated this. I hated it so much. Teleporting abilities would be so great right about now.
"Yes I-I'm sure," I couldn't stop stuttering.
I hated it. It was loud, even though it was practically silent. I needed my earbuds. I needed to make this conversation go away and stay away.
The teacher sighed,
"Well... I hope you did well on your test Nico, I know you probably studied hard. You can go," she dismissed me, holding out the phone basket that held my black phone with white earbuds wrapped around it. I snatched it and left as soon as possible.
As I walked out I started thinking. It was dangerous.
She knew I probably failed and was pitying me even more. She wanted me to do well, but I obviously didn't. She saw the empty question.
I was so lost in my thoughts about everything that I forgot about Camilla waiting for me, and when I turned to leave I crashed right into her.
"Ah! Shit, Nico, where are you off to in such a hurry?" She asked, swinging her arm around me shoulders. I flinched at the touch.
"Home," I replied shrugging her arm off. She frowned. She had been spending all of her time with me since school started again. It was really starting to get annoying and I wanted her to go away, even if she was way nicer than before.
"Hey, dude, what's up?" She asked, catching up to my fast stride down the hallway, shoving past people. I was unwrapping my earbuds as I went, needed to put them in.
"It's nothing," I mumbled. She didn't take this as an answer.
"No it's not," she huffed, as we got to the stairs to go down. Everyone wanted to leave this horrid place and go home to study for their next exam.
"Hey it's just a small mark, it's not like it makes up all of your English right? You had a 81 on your midterm right?" She asked.
She didn't get anything. Maybe she was trying to help, but everything was horrible and I couldn't think straight and Bianca was creeping into my thoughts again.
"I don't care Camilla, please go away," I said, shoving past someone who stopped in the middle of the crowded hall. I hated it.
"Nico it's ok, it's just a test. Come on let's go to McDonald's and get happy meals yeah? It'll be fun,"
We had gone to McDonald's everyday that week for lunch, and it wasn't half bad, but I really needed to be alone.
"N-no C-Camilla I n-need to-t-to go home," I tried again. She wasn't having it.
"Come on death breath, it's fine-"
"No Camilla, it's not. I-I'm going home leave me alone," I responded a bit louder and got shoved by someone. It was probably a mistake but it didn't feel like it. I felt tears fill my eyes, so I forced them down. I wouldn't melt down here. I wouldn't.
"Nico come on, chill. You don't need to go home, don't be like this." She grabbed my arm as I kept walking faster, almost to the door outside and away. It triggered something in me that made me snap.
"Don't be like what Camilla! Jesus Christ you're annoying! I just want to go home. Get off of me!" I yelled louder. People glanced over and Camilla's face dropped. I only felt a little bit of guilt.
"Hey, I didn't do anythi-"
"Yes you did! You always do something Camilla! Why else are you hanging out with me? You have no other friends because your too much of a bitch and they ditched you! I'm not surprised, to be honest, I know why they did! You. Are. An. Asshole!" I shouted loudly and with unnecessary hand gestures. Then her eyes filled with tears and she shook her head, making them fall and mascara bleed.
"Fuck off di Angelo," she muttered angrily and stomped the other way swiping at her face. A ton of people were watching us. I flipped them off and stalked out of the school.
I walked all of the way home, casually wiping away the tears I kept creating without trying. I really fucking hated everything.
Thankfully, no one was home, so I had no one I had to talk to.
I stomped up the stairs. I was mad at the stairs for making me use them to get to my room.
I slammed my door as hard as I could, whipped my phone at my bed, and I screamed.
I don't know why I screamed, but I did, and I really hoped the neighbours in the connecting house weren't home.
"You over dramatic whore, shut up"
Bianca was there. She was somewhere. I couldn't see her, but she was in my room and I knew she was and I couldn't make her go away. I felt so powerless over my own mind.
I was glad I wasn't around Will today, because I didn't want to snap at him like I did with Camilla.
I took off my coat and my bag, throwing them on the ground and then I threw my covers back and climbed under them. It was only 2:00 but I fell asleep, hating myself for sobbing.
—
I was woken up hours later by a knock on my door.
For a moment, I thought I was back in the foster home in my half awake state.
"Go away Jessie," I mumbled under my breath, but when the door opened and the corner of my bed sunk I got to my senses. I lifted the covers off of my head and sat up rubbing my eyes. Jenny was next to me seeming distressed.
"Hi Jen," I murmured quietly, wrapping my arms around my knees,
"What's up?" I yawned.
"Is there something wrong?" She asked worriedly. I kept my eyes down, because they were sore and probably still red and puffy.
"Why?" I rasped. My throat was scratchy and it hurt to speak.
"Well, maybe because you didn't come to today's session, leaving me worried and then not picking up all 9 of my calls!" Her motherly attitude was coming out. Now I felt guilty. And I felt horrible for what I said to Camilla.
"I'm sorry Jen, I was so tired after the exam and I needed sleep and I didn't realize I slept for this long," I replied looking at the clock beside my bed and realized it was 6:14. I flopped back down and covered my face with my hands.
"It's ok Neeks, just please be more aware," she stood up and brushed the hair away from my forehead and then kissed it. I heard her walk away and then before she left she said,
"I'm making dinner, we're having my homemade potato soup tonight, it'll be ready in about half an hour," and then shut the door.
I groaned, tears springing to my eyes once more. I pushed them away and then stumbled over to my carelessly thrown bag. I fished my phone out and crawled back under my warm covers. I wanted to stay like this forever.
I opened my phone, scrolling over 30 notifications.
The first 7 were calls from Jenny and then a few texts. She must've told Will or asked if he had heard from me because there were 11 missed calls from him and a spam of texts.
I felt bad and opened them to text him back.
Will: Neeks answer my calls please
Will: Nico answer the fricken phone
Will: why aren't you answering me or Jenny where are u
Will: Nico dude please at least text me back
Will: I want to know you're safe
Will: are you avoiding us?
Will: are you ok?
Will: Nico Jesus I swear to god answer my calls
Will: where the frick are you I stg you better be safe
Will: please please please nico answer me or Jenny or Carmen or someone
Will: I know it's only been a few hours but a lot can happen
Will: please be safe
I felt horrible. I had worried them all so much. Even though it had only been a few hours since they didn't know where I was, they didn't know how long I could've been gone. I could've been anywhere.
I quickly texted him to reassure him I was ok;
Nico: Hey Will I'm ok
I put my phone down but his reply was almost instantaneous, like he was waiting for me to text him.
Will: NICO I STG WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU I WAS WORRIED SICK
Will: WHY DIDNT YOU ANSWER ANY OF US JENNY ALMSOT LEFT HER LAST CLIENT AND I TRIED TO PERSUADE MY PROFESSOR TO LEAVE CLASS TO LOOK FOR YOU BUT HE WOULDNT LET ME
Will: WHERE. WERE. YOU.
He somehow texted all of that before I could write one word.
Nico: I'm so so so so sorry I was just having a bad day and I went home after my English exam and I fell asleep
Will: AND COULDNT ANSWER A SINGLE CALL????
Nico: my phone was on silent from the exam still and in my bag I'm so so so so so sorry Will I'm sorry
Will: I'm shaking my head at you rn
Will: I was so scared nico I literally almost throttled my professor for not letting me leave
Will: I called you in class 3 times before the end of it and I wasn't even supposed to have my phone.
Nico: I'm sorry
Nico: I didn't mean to worry you guys
Nico: I feel horrible
I could practically hear Will sighing through the texts. It was my fault he was so scared. He didn't need that in his life.
Will: it's ok
Will: I know you wouldn't ghost us on purpose
Will: I was just so scared nico
Nico: I know
Nico: I'm so stupid Will please don't hate me
Will: I could never hate you don't say that
Will: you're fine, just don't scare me like that please
Nico: never again
Nico: not on purpose anyways
I looked up when I heard Jenny call that dinner was ready in 5 minutes.
Will: pinkie promise?
Nico: pinkie promise
Will: thank you
Will: I'm sorry your day was bad
Nico: it's ok
Will: no it's not and I can't see you until Tuesday it sucks so bad why is it like this
Nico: it?
Will: life
Nico: oh
Nico: it's ok we can text right ?
Will: of course!
Nico: ok well Jenny made dinner I have to go eat
Will: ok Neeks, text me later?
Nico: yes please
I put my phone down, wishing I was with Will and not texting him, but somehow he still made me feel better.
I saw his exaggerated good bye text, and then I went down for dinner, faking absolute okayness for my family.
A/n
Omg did thea actually do a chapter in one week WOWOWOW!!
Ok so I've had 1-3 tests each week for the past 4 weeks and that's really not great.
Also it's late and I have a test tmo and I spent way too long on this kind of shorter chapter so.
Also I know it's sad I'm sorry. Also it's CHRISTMAS.
ya that's about it I'm going to go fail another test whooooo bye.
Thea