September 14th, 1991
"Where are we going?" Izzy asked for literally the hundredth time in five minutes.
"Don't you think I would have told you by now if I was going to tell you at all?" I scoffed, but smiled so he knew I was joking with him. "Stop worrying. You're so paranoid."
The atmosphere in the car shifted to something darker, somewhere un-treaded. I glanced at him. "Oh, I--sorry... I didn't mean to--"
Izzy didn't glare at me, but somehow the look he sent my way was just as hurtful. There was clearly something I'd said that had flicked a light off inside of him, maybe something he needed to talk about, get off his chest...
"Izzy..." my gaze moved between him and the road. "Is there something that--"
"No. It's fine. Just drive wherever, I don't care."
Now he wouldn't even look at me--he merely turned his head to the landscape outside his window.
"Hey, look at me." I waited for him to turn, but to no avail. "Izzy. Please. Just look at me." When he didn't listen, I pulled over to the side of the road--not a highway, but there were no buildings along it. At that action, he finally twisted towards me.
"What, Cassie? What do you want me to say?" Izzy's eyes were lethal as poison. "Yes, I'm paranoid. I'm paranoid as hell because I can't trust anyone and I almost couldn't make the trip here without having a mental breakdown, but I did it because of you. And..." he shook his head. "It's not from being off drugs--I'm used to that by now, so don't worry--it's because all my trust has been broken and I look at the people around me and I just think of what they could do to hurt me or the people I care about..."
There was a pause. I sensed it wasn't for me to speak, rather for him to gather his plethora of unorganized thoughts. I tucked my fingers into his, resting our hands on the centre console. He let out a breath.
"I remember earlier today, when we were just leaving your apartment--you said, you asked me, Trust me. You trust me, right? And I... I told you yes, but that was a lie. Because I don't trust anyone at this point. I don't know how to anymore. I'm learning, and I'm... I'm sorry."
Something in the way his eyes were downcast, or maybe it was just because of how vulnerable he'd been in my presence, really made me feel... understood. I knew what he felt--losing trust in the world and people around you, even when they gave you no reason to be that way. Losing faith; hope.
When he finally looked me in the eye, I think he saw that understanding. His expression seemed to liven up--just slightly.
"It's okay, don't apologize. I get that. Sometimes... I still can't fall asleep at night. Because of the people I've lost, the things I've done; things that have happened to me," I shook my head, refusing to give way to the tears lining up at the barricade I'd made for them. "I wish I could say it changes, that the feeling of danger being just around the corner, or the sense that with one wrong move everything will be lost goes away after time..." my voice lowered to a whisper, "But I would never lie to you."
For a moment, the only sign that he'd heard the meaning of my words were that his lips tightened and his eyebrows pushed inwards.
Then he nodded. Once. Twice.
I shifted into drive, and we were on our way again.
-
Our destination wasn't far; only ten minutes away. When I'd started navigating my way up the dirt road, Izzy just tossed me a glance laced with concern, and I gave in.
"It's a better vantage point, alright?" I gave him a shy smile. "You can see them for miles--the balloons, I mean. If we'd stayed where they set them off, on low ground, our view would be blocked by buildings and trees and God-knows-what else." I sent him a grin. "Only the best for my Izzy, though--and that's why we're here!"
Izzy just shook his head with a knowing smile on his face.
I nudged him with my elbow, another quiet grin of my own lighting up my features. "Hey. What's that look for?"
"It's just you, Cassie," he told me, unbuckling his seatbelt as I stopped the car. "You make feel... like a new life is possible. Even with everything I've done."
I undid my own seatbelt and took my keys out of the ignition. "Really?"
"Absolutely. Well, besides that, you also make me feel really..." he laughed, shaking his head. "Oh, God, never mind."
"Oh, come on, you gotta tell me, now." I smirked.
"Are you sure?"
I shrugged, an incredulous look on my face. "Of course."
"Alright: you make me feel... really turned-on."
My eyes widened and my heart burst into a galloping motion--just as he let out a big laugh.
I shot him a look that said, What the hell is funny?
"Man, you look like you think nobody's ever lusted after you."
I just shook my head and silently exited the car.
"What?" he called after me, and then followed me out. "You don't mean..."
I crossed my arms over my chest, staring at the colourful balloons in the distance.
"Oh? So you're saying that nobody's ever said to you..."
Dirt and gravel crunched under his feet as he made his way to where I stood--about ten feet away from the car.
"Come on, Cassie," he said, now a mere two feet away. "You've got to be kidding me. So no one's ever told you that you make their heart sputter to a stop when you come through the door? Or that your eyes can be both bluer than the clearest sky at mid-afternoon and greener than fresh-cut grass all at once?"
Izzy came to a stop beside me, but I didn't deign to look at him whatsoever. I didn't move my arms, either.
"You can't be serious. Hey, look at me--are you hearing any of this?"
A short strand of hair fell from my ponytail, so I brought a hand up to tuck it behind me ear--only for it to collide with callused fingertips.
I let him gather the lock of hair behind my ear, shivered when his fingers brushed the soft spot behind my jaw. His touch was gentle enough to say that he knew I was strong--but not unbreakable.
When his hand lingered, I finally decided to lift my gaze to his. "Don't," I said. "You don't have to do this."
Izzy's voice was rough and low, "What if I want to?"
I could feel my pulse at every extremity of my body. It occurred to me that I had been looking at him, without quite seeing him. With those eyes of deep, alluring russet, like sunlight dancing on a glass of whiskey, it was hard to see what was left shattered behind the surface. A life he'd once lived and enjoyed, already gathering layer upon layer of dust in his memories. It was over. A chapter of his life was ending and he ran to me for help in making the best of a piss-poor situation.
I raised my hand to push away the strands of hair obscuring the parts of his face he kept hidden to the outside world. He closed his eyes at my touch, like it soothed and smoothed out even the roughest parts of him.
I stepped closer until there was hardly an inch between us.
I let my hands freely roam his face, tracing the edges and curves and dips, sliding over his cheeks and his eyebrows--un-plucked, yet tidy.
And his mouth. God, his lips. Pink as cherry blossoms, softer than silk.
Izzy's mouth was suddenly all I could focus on--the minuscule fractures on the surface, how they parted ever-so-slightly once he realized what exactly I was looking at, how close they were to mine...
I felt one of his arms at my waist, the other supporting my neck--gentle but firm--and gasped audibly.
"Cassie..." the word was caught in the dance of our breaths, mingling in the space that kept us apart.
"This is crazy," I murmured onto his mouth.
I couldn't feel anything but where we touched, as though the sensation were magnified by a thousand, a million. I let my hands explore more of him--his shoulders, his chest, his back.
And then, like he was afraid this moment would end before he had the chance to, our mouths collided. I stumbled back a step at the sudden motion, but his arms held me still--stabilizing, reassuring.
And with his lips on mine... it felt as though everything was crystal clear. It was like filling a hole inside of myself that had been empty for as long as I could remember.
Velvet-soft, lovingly tender--our mouths as one was all I'd ever dreamed of, whether I'd known it or not. It was like waking up and drowning and being set on fire, like fate had brought us together and torn us apart, but, with a remarkable stroke of luck, somehow--somehow--we had found each other once more.
I would have been just fine staying there like that, all consumed and overwhelmed with euphoria and lathered in bliss, for the rest of time.
And then it was done. We pulled apart--ever so slightly--and I swear... if his face was the last thing I saw before I died, if that moment was the last that I lived in and this feeling the last that I felt...
I would be just fine with that.
--
Thank GOD I have these prewritten chapters or else y'all already know I'd be SO behind on my updating schedule. Spoiler alert I haven't written anything for this book since April :) don't hate me :):) I've been working on other things :):):): better things :;;);,))
-megan xx