"I think you look great" I commented on Jonny's do. Every year he gets drunk on Christmas Eve and every Christmas Day he ends up looking terrible. We were driving to Aunty Jacks for lunch and he looked like shit. I tried my best to make sure my make up helped him look awake and less dead in the eyes, but it wasn't convincing.
"Just make sure Pusface doesn't have any symbols or whatever close by"
"Come on, let's go celebrate another Christian holiday" we both got out the car, I treated him as if he was an elderly man, "that's it, that's good love. Keep going, almost there" he didn't tell me to piss off or make any snarky comments, he just smiled and went along with it. Seriously? What is going on with him?
"Hey Mum, hey Dad" Jonny entered, Aunty jack hugged us both and wished us, "no tree this year?" Jonny teased, Aunty Jack slapped him on the chest and he threw up in his mouth.
"Where's the little one?" I asked for Adam.
"Oh I don't know, you two are early for once," she teased me then pulled me aside, "can I just ask you...does Jonny seem a bit...off?" my eyes widened at the question.
"You noticed?" finally, I'm not going crazy.
"Yes! Of course! He's always quiet; like he's thinking-"
"Yes a dangerous thing for him to do" I cut her off, Jonny came back.
"What are you two talking about?" he frowned, we both stayed silent and looked at each other.
"Just catching up, we haven't seen each other in about a month" I smiled politely.
"Right" he didn't believe me but he retreated back to the kitchen, we followed soon after.
"Ooh, is that the turkey?" I asked the general area, Jonny warned me about the dryness.
"Yes! Nice and moist isn't it Martin?" She asked her husband. Martin didn't reply, he was busy eating cheese, like a whole block, "Martin! Stop eating butter!"
"What's that, love?" He fiddled with his hearing aid.
"You're eating butter!"
"Butter? I thought it was cheese, hah! I thought it was quite runny" he put it down.
"Put a shirt on will you! Your mother will be here soon" Aunty Jack tutted, "Viv will you help me bring the platters in?"
"Sure" I replied and glanced at Jonny, he was drinking water from the tap. The door bell rang, that must be Pusface. I carried the platter of sandwiches I had with me to answer the door. It was Jim and Wilson, both wearing a yarmulke on their heads.
"Hello" I took my time looking at his outfit.
"Merry Christmas-I mean Hanukkah. Jewish" he pointed to his nose and winked. I nodded in approval.
"Happy Hanukkah to you too, Aunty Jack! You have a visitor"
"Can you keep your voice down please!" Jonny yelled from the living room. I smiled and left Aunty Jack with Jim. After placing the platter on the table, I went and sat down on Jonny face, he pushed me off and groaned.
"You're taking up the entire sofa, move!" I told him off, he just got on his elbows so his head could go in my lap. "Why are you like this?" I chimed as I stroked his hair.
"Promise me you won't call me an idiot?" He asked.
"Why what did you do?" I asked, half concentrating on him and on my phone.
"I drank like half a bottle of vodka," he swallowed.
"That doesn't sound so bad"
"Straight, through a funnel"
"You're a fucking idiot" I laughed. I took a photo of his pale face and sent it to Pusface. Jonny groaned and hugged me, shoving his face in my lap.
"Where's Pusface?" His muffled voice spoke.
"I don't know, he's not replying to my messages"
"Have you called him?" He asked, I scoffed and chuckled.
"Have I called him? Sure, I just called an operator to patch me through but he wasn't home" speaking of grandparents, both grandmother's were here.
"Hi Nellie!" I wished her, "hello Mrs. Goodman, I'm Vivian"
"You're Christian" she scowled.
"Yeah but don't worry about me, all the nails are locked up in the shed" Martin cackled at my joke, mouth full of butter. He coughed and coughed, butter going all over the floor, Jonny was slapping his back. Eventually Martin ended up on the floor trying to push away Jonny. I giggled at the sight.
"Is my son choking to death amusing you?" The ghostly woman asked me.
"Pardon?"
"At least you have the proper vocabulary to address others, but you dress like a harlot" she muttered to herself and sat down in the living room. I was wearing a sweater and jeans.
"Lovely woman," I commented to Aunty Jack in the kitchen, "can't wait for her funeral" I muttered, checking my phone again. Still no response from Pusface. I hope he's alright. Aunty Jack laughed at what I said under my breath.
"Me too love," she replied. "Where the hell is Adam? It's almost time for lunch" she checked her watch.
"I can't get a hold of him" I told her.
"Try calling him then" Jonny teased. I groaned. I'm sure others have tried and failed, why would we pick up for me? I tried anyway, pacing around the room, he picked up on the 4th ring.
"Hello," a whispering woman answered. My chin dropped to the floor, I immediately put her on speaker and ran to Jonny.
"What's going on?" Jonny whispered with a confused frown. I pointed to the phone.
"Hello?" She dragged out her ooo's. Jonny jumped, his mouth hung open as well, "is anyone there?" She was about to hang up, Jonny pushed the phone towards me. We were silently bickering for a moment.
"Hi! Hello! Merry Christmas, it's Adam'ssssss uh, sister, is he there?" I asked. There was movement.
"Uh, Adam? Wake up! Your sister is on the phone. Also get out of my bed, I'm meeting my-" I heard in the background. Then I heard shuffling.
I muted our line.
"Oh my god!" I yelled, this is huge! Adam never has one night stands!
"What's going on?" Martin asked, back to normal now. I put one hand on his shoulder.
"Your eldest is a prostitute" I spoke clearly.
"Viv?" Adam answered. I turned mute off.
"Hey sunshine. Do you wanna pop over to your parents house and respect our Lord and Savior instead of sinning?"
"Oh shit. I forgot," there was more rapid movement.
"You forgot it was Christmas!" Aunty Jack spoke into the phone.
"To be fair, you forget we're Jewish" his snarky tone was clear, "I'll be there soon, don't eat all the turkey"
"Martin! Where's my sherry!?" Horrible grandma called out. We all rolled our eyes except Martin, who clearly didn't hear her.
*
The doorbell rang about 45 minutes later in he middle of lunch. We couldn't wait for him because the food was getting cold. Jonny, feeling and looking much better, and I ran to the front door. Adam stood there, hunched over and pale. He looked absolutely miserable.
"Hi" glasses tried entering. I gave him a cheeky kiss, so did Jonny because mistletoe was above our heads.
"What time of...time do you call this?" I'm not a parent, I don't know the phrase. I put one hand to my hip and leaned on it. Pusface groaned and went to the kitchen for some water.
"Yeah! We were worried sick about you! And then when we call you, a woman picks up! How dare you disrespect this holiday" Jonny teased him.
"Do you know what this holiday is about?" I asked Jonny.
"Something about a magic baby, I don't know" Jonny muttered.
"I see you're doing well, did you not go out last night?" Adam sipped at his water.
"Oh yeah I definitely did. Puked on Pest, hurting all over. But you my short little tiny brother, have upset your mother" Jonny noogied Adam. Adam groaned again.
Jonny and I walked in front if Adam, then we bowed when he entered. As if it was a presentation.
"Adam! You look terrible" Aunty Jack rose from her seat, oops, it's serious. She told him to kiss his grandparents and then go upstairs and wear something of Martins. He groaned.
"Hey! It was your decision to be promiscuous" I told him before he left. The rest of lunch seemed boring. Once I finished choking on Aunty Jacks turkey, things settled down. I guess the year before had all the fun.
"Let's do presents!" Jonny was excited, I could sense something was coming.
The family all got a purse from Nellie, with two pounds in it and nothing from the other one. I got a nice handbag from Aunty Jack and Martin. Jonny got Adam a nice photo album of us three but edited all the photos and put a penis on Adams head or open hand.
"Oh that's lovely" Adam gave Jonny a slap, "sorry I didn't put as much thought into your present" he chucked his in Jonny's lap. It was a nose straightener from those YouTube videos, and some face masks to help close pores. I mouthed a thank you to Adam for the masks, "I didn't forget you"
"Oh god" I accidentally said out loud. Adam carefully placed something in my hands, it was small and felt like I box. I unwrapped it and found a rather expensive looking necklace. It was beautiful, I almost cried, "why?" My tone was disgusted but I was just genuinely confused.
"Because you're my favourite" Adam shrugged.
"Oh my goodness, it's beautiful" Aunty Jack took a peek. I hugged Adam, I only got him a bottle of wine, he still seemed happy to receive something other than clothes or a home appliance.
"Okay, now for yours, from me" Jonny was nervous, I saw him take a box out of his pocket. It was covered in blue velvet. I smiled, another necklace? "Don't open it yet, I have to say something,"
"Okay" I waited. He took a while to start, he was shaking from head to toe, "Jonny?" He exhaled when Pusface punched him.
"Right. Vivian. I have known you for my entire life. I have had a massive crush on you forever and now you're my girlfriend. You're the funniest person I know, you're the kindest person I know, you're also the most punctual person I know" I laughed, I was getting nervous, what's he doing? "I feel like its time we move on with our lives, which is why I think now is the perfect time to ask..." he got on one knee, I started to well up. "Viv, " he paused, the tears were coming but I gulped them down, "would you go to New Zealand with me?" My heart dropped, he brought out two plane tickets to New Zealand. I let a few tears fall while I was hugging and thanking him. I was hugging him tight.
"That's such an awesome present, thank you" I kissed him.
"Also, one other thing" he chuckled, "will you marry me?" The ring was beautiful. My dream diamond ring. I cried and cried and cried but nodded the entire time.
"You're a dickhead" I said with tears falling down my face as I was hugging him again.
"You can get mad at me while we're visiting Pusface's hometown of Hobbiton" he kissed me. I kissed him back and he whispered in my ear, "I love you"