"Hello hello-oh" I came in through th kitchen door to see Martin shirtless and I think washing his armpits in the sink. "Oh Martin"
"Hello Vivian, how goes it?" He greeted quite formally and continued bathing himself. I don't know where to look, where do I look?
"Good, good. Where are the boys?"
"What was that?"
"Where are the boys?!" I spoke louder.
"Boys?" He paused to think.
"Your sons"
"Oh! My sons, God knows"
"Good talk" I walked passed him and into the hallway to open up the door for Mum. I took her 3 suitcases inside.
"Thanks love" she hugged me. She was having another fight with Larry...because she was cheating on him. He locked her out of the house and threw her suitcases outside. No clothes, just empty luggage.
"Oh love" Aunty Jack appeared and gave Mum a hug, "luggage? You can stay here as long you want!" We all walked to the living room.
"No no, it's empty. This is all he gave her. She didn't even get keys so she'll stay with Jonny and I for a bit" the two women looked shocked, "what?"
"You and Jonny are living together?" Mums tears stopped.
"Yes...did I forget to mention that?" Honestly forgot. The two women grinned and jumped.
"You're practically already married with a family!" Easy now Aunty Jack, she kissed my cheek and hugged me tight, "I never my boys would find anyone. I thought I'd die without grandchildren"
"It's not like I'm pregnant Aunty Jack" I laughed. The women laughed.
"Who's pregnant?" Martin shouted with a mouthful of brie.
"No one-" I began to reply.
"Pregnant!?" Adam appeared, shocked.
"Who's pregnant?" Jonny asked, he came into the room with a wet top, water? Wine stain? I don't know, "is Viv pregnant? How did you get pregnant?....oh" he realized we were in a relationship.
"What are you going to do with it? It's going to have Pissface's nose" Adam kept interrupting.
"Guys I'm-"
"It does explain why you've been buying irn-bru instead of Coca Cola, and sour lollies instead of chocolate. Also you have gained a bit around-"
"I'M NOT PREGNANT YOU BELLENDS" I shrieked, "thanks for calling me fat. I've been buying lollies and irn-bru because you love it and I love you, you pisshead!" I stormed passed them to go to the bathroom.
I got 10 seconds to myself before someone knocked on the door, "Viv" it was Jonny.
"I'm doing a wee" I lied, I was on my phone playing solitaire. He walked in anyway, I freaked out and covered myself on instinct, "shitting hell" I grunted. I threw a toilet paper roll at him. "You scared the..." I realised where I was but I can't really say much else, "shit out of me".
He didn't comment, he just squatted down in front of me, grabbed air fresher and gave it a quick spritz. I couldn't help but laugh. He gave me a hug.
"I'm sorry I'm such a bellend. It was wrong of me to comment, total tosser behaviour "
"It's alright, I'm used to it"
"You have to admit, that reaction was better than just running off"
"Yeah I suppose" I chuckled. I guess I really am lucky to have him.
"And I was excited for a fraction of a second" he admitted.
"What?"
"And confused and anxious and so scared that I thought I was going to...shit myself" he looked away, I laughed and he gave me a little kiss.
"Sex in the bathroom!" Adam yelled through the door. He snapped us out of our little sweet moment. I tickled Jonny on the ribs to make him squeal. "Ugh, are you actually doing it?" A disgusted Adam spoke.
"Sorry for...you know, yelling at you, calling you a bellend" I awkward apologised to Pusface.
"That's alright" he responded.
"You're still a dickhead" I playfully pushed him.
"I know. Sorry for escalating the whole preg-"
"Let's just not say that word for another...5 years" I suggested, the boys nodded in agreement.
"So has Mum moved onto her thing yet?"
"Like as soon as you left she started crying talking about how Larry is the one and how terrible she is" Adam yawned while explaining.
"Oh I'm sorry is my mother's failing marriage boring you?" I asked him, his eyes widened and guilt covered his face as he apologised, "bores me too, hopefully she actually leaves the tosser this time. She's been so happy these past few weeks and I couldn't put my finger on it. Now that I know, I think she should leave Larry and continue, you know...exploring her sexuality" that was hard for me to say and even harder for the boys to hear.
"You're such a cock" Adam told me.
"How?"
"You keep talking about feelings"
"I'm sorry Mr. Macho, would you like me grease up my elbows and get to work in the garage, like you do?" Adam just rolled his eyes, I noticed Jonny smiling at me, "what?"
"Nothing" he smiled. I'm concerned. I got a text from Aunty Jack not long after I entered the kitchen to get a drink.
Hi love, could u pls tell Martin to mash potatoes that are in sink and cut veggies x
The sink?
Yes x
The kitchen sink?
Yes x
The kitchen sink you have embedded into your kitchen?
Yes, the sink!
The very same kitchen sink that Martin was washing his armpits over?
There was a longer wait.
Maybe just order a pizza x
Will do.
When I walked back into the living room, Jonny was sitting by himself. He looked like he was in deep thought. "Don't think too hard you might pop a vessel" I joked.
"What? Sorry! Zoned out"
"Are you alright?" I fixed his hair and stroked his back, he leaned in and gave me another little kiss.
"Yeah, absolutely" he grinned. I smiled too, it was good seeing him happy. But I was still freaked out.
"Are you sure? You seem a bit...American psycho-ey-ish-ful"
"You think I'm going to drop a chainsaw on you?" He joked. I shrugged.
"Of course not," I playfully slapped his chest, "you'd hold a shotgun to my head and then pussy out"
"Of course. I love you too much to kill you"
"Really? I'd kill you" I responded.
"What? Why?"
"First of all, you know too much. That's information that I can't have getting out. And secondly, no one else can have you, you're mine" we kissed once more.
"Can you guys stop FORNICATING ON THE COUCH" Adam entered and separated us.
"Piss of Pusface" Jonny grunted and the two began to fight. They stopped once I slapped them to stop, as Mum entered with Aunty Jack.
"I just got off with phone with Larry. We've decided for now, to stay together. For the sake of the children" mum announced. Her and Aunty jack hugged and everyone said ' oh that's good' 'that's good to hear' 'you're so strong'. But what kids? My brother and I have moved out and Larry doesn't have any kids because, well do I really need to explain?
After all the hugging and congratulations to mum, it was time to leave. But Jonny stopped me.
"Hey, one sec. Since December is coming up, I was wondering if you wanted to spend Christmas together" he seemed too nervous.
"But you're Jewish," I replied.
"I know. It doesn't make any sense, but since we still do Christmas I was wondering if you could do lunch with us? And maybe I could go to your family dinner? I haven't actually met anyone, and you've yet to meet Horrible Grandma-I mean Regular Grandma/Dad's Mum" I felt his forehead for a fever, why is he acting so nervous?
"No fever but you're still acting as if you've got some kind if rod up your bum. Relax, meeting the family will be fine, they'll love you...maybe-watch out for Haley after that Adam incident"
"So that's a yes?" he breathed a sigh of relief.
"Is this what you've been stressing about all night?" I asked. He shook his head but replied yes.
"Yes, I'm just...nervous. You're too perfect, my family loves you. I can only pray that yours even likes me, especially after the cockhole messed around with Haley"
I shrugged, "Oh well, she's adopted. Don't worry about it," we kissed, "see you later"
"Bye, I love you!"
"I love you-ugh!" Adam mocked him and got punched in the gut.