*Author's Note*
Hey guys,
Sorry, I know it's been three days, I think I jinxed myself by saying I should have an easy week haha. Group projects are killing me cause my group is lameee haha. Anyways, this one is super long, almost double of normal to make up for it. Can't wait to read your comments!
Love you,
Sarah <3
Hailey's POV
I'd been laying there for hours attempting to sleep, when I finally just realized it was pointless. It had been five days since my blowout with Harry, and all I'd done the entire time was sit around with Niall and Gemma and binge on TV. I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, thinking maybe if I wandered around for a while I might get tired. I could hear the faint sound of Niall's soft snoring as I got closer to the kitchen, and assumed he must have fallen asleep on the couch watching TV.
I smiled to myself as I turned the corner and saw him and Gemma passed out on the couch, her head resting softly on his chest with his arm securely around her, their legs intertwined as they slept soundly. It was obvious that Gem hadn't had a good night's sleep in a while, and I was glad that she seemed to find enough comfort in Niall to get some rest. It was easy to understand why she would turn to him, his naturally positive temperament could make any situation seem less bleak, and I'm sure she didn't wanna lean on Harry too much because he was going through the same thing.
I grabbed my glass of water and quietly tip toed back to Niall's guestroom, sighing as I climbed back into bed and my thoughts returned to Harry. I wondered where he was, if he was getting any sleep, if his anger for me had lessened in any way. I hated the idea that he was laying there somewhere staring at the ceiling like I was, feeling alone and sad, worrying about things the way that I knew he would be. I missed the feeling of him next to me, and no matter how long it had been since I slept next to him, I never quite seemed to get used to not having him there. Sometimes I could even smell him, hear his breathing and almost feel his arms around me, but others I felt the complete absence of him and the bed felt cold and empty.
I think I dozed off just as the sun was coming up, and I awoke to the sound of music and laughter echoing down the hall. They were two sounds I hadn't heard in a while, and I smiled to myself as I got out of bed and padded towards the kitchen. I entered to find Gemma sitting in the chair, her head thrown back in laughter as she giggled while Niall lip synched to Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield and danced around the kitchen pulling things out of the fridge. I stood in the doorway watching for a minute, laughing to myself as the two of them had some sort of karaoke sing off, singing the lyrics at each other and playing invisible instruments.
I thought of Harry and I and the way we used to do the same thing in the kitchen, and for a minute I felt like I was interrupting some kind of private moment between them. Something dawned on me as I watched Niall's face, something in his eyes as he looked at her, and it confirmed something I'd been thinking for a while. Gemma was shaking her head at him as Uptown Girl by Billy Joel came on and Niall pulled her out of her seat and started to spin her around the kitchen. It was nice to see her look so carefree, but I guess that's what Niall did for most people.
It was another minute or so before they noticed me, Niall immediately starting to sing the lyrics louder as he came toward me and grabbed my hand, forcing me to dance with him as he pulled me over to Gemma. We laughed as the three of us seemingly danced ourselves into a good mood, before the song came to an end and Niall went over to turn the stereo down and returned to making breakfast.
"Sorry, blue eyes." He chuckled. "Guess we woke ya up."
"I don't mind. A dance party is always a nice way to wake up." I smiled softly.
"True story." Gem laughed as she took a sip of her coffee. "We were just making breakfast."
"I see that." I said as I leaned over to see that Niall appeared to be making French toast. "I thought dance parties in the kitchen while making breakfast were Harry and I's thing."
They both exchanged some kind of look, looking awkward like they'd upset me somehow, before Niall cleared his throat and asked if I wanted coffee.
"I guess it's just something best friends do." Gem shrugged, doing her best to keep the mood light.
"Guess so." I smirked as I looked over at Niall.
"Anyways, you've been living in Niall's sweats and t-shirts since you got here." Gem started. "Maybe we should go shopping. You might as well see London while we wait for that brother of mine to pull his head out of his ass."
"Um, yeah...I guess we could do that." I sighed. "I was kinda hoping he might stop by today."
"Well if he does, he can wait for you to get back." She shrugged. "You've been waiting, he can deal."
I just nodded, knowing deep down he wouldn't be showing up any time soon, but I hoped for it anyway.
"Okay, I'll run home to shower and get you some stuff to wear for us to go out. Then I'll come back at get you." She smiled before turning to Niall. "You in, Horan?"
"I'll decide when you get back." He laughed. "I gotta make some calls and stuff."
"Who are you kidding? You're coming." She laughed. "I'll be back in a bit."
She hopped off her chair and grabbed her purse off the counter, turning to head toward the door before Niall called after her.
"Um, excuse me. You're not even gonna eat this breakfast I just made you?" He scoffed as he scooped two pieces of French toast onto a plate.
"Hails will eat it." She laughed before she shot him a smile before she disappeared and we heard his front door close a few seconds later.
"Unbelievable." He chuckled as he shook his head, throwing some fruit onto the plate before he put it down in front of me.
"Thanks." I smiled as I eyed him carefully as he started putting his own plate together.
I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms in front of my chest as I watched him, and he tried to make small talk with me about where I wanted to go shopping or what I wanted to see in London. I didn't answer any of his questions, and he finally looked up from what he was doing to look at me, a confused look crossing his face.
"What?" He asked. "Why are you staring at me like that?"
"It's Gemma."
"What is?" He responded, still looking confused as I just continued to stare at him.
He watched me for a second and I just raised my eyebrows at him, not saying anything as he pieced it together in his head. I watched realization cross his face, and he started to nervously shift things around in the kitchen, suddenly avoiding my gaze as he turned his attention back to the frying pan on the stove.
"Niall, it's Gemma. I know it is." I said softly. "The girl all your songs are about, the one you've been in love with all this time. It's her."
I watched as his back tensed and his movement stilled as he placed his hands flat on the counter and leaned forward, exhaling deeply as he hung his head and closed his eyes.
"It doesn't matter." He said, and I could hear that his jaw was tense from his tone. "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing." I said sternly. "I see the way you look at her, Niall. Talk to me."
He finally turned around to face me, leaning against the stove as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked down, sadness and frustration laced into his features that just confirmed my idea that this had been killing him for a long time.
"There's nothing to say." He sighed. "Please, just leave it alone Hails."
"Does anybody know?" I asked. "Have you ever even talked to anyone about this? Niall this must be killing you."
He rubbed his face with his hands, almost as if he could just wipe away everything that he was feeling, before his blue eyes met mine and I knew he'd never discussed it with anyone. It made sense why he'd kept it to himself, obviously her being Harry's sister might have been a complication, but I wondered just how long he'd been suffering in silence.
"It can't happen, Hails." He said sternly, almost as if he needed to remind himself.
"Why?"
"Because, she's Harry's sister." He sighed. "I would never do that to him."
"Do what to him? Love his sister?" I scoffed. "Niall, it's not like you are just trying to sleep with her and never call her again. You're in love with her for fuck sakes. Have you ever even told her?"
"No...I don't think we've ever actually said it out loud. But she knows, she's always known." He sighed.
"Does she feel the same?" I asked.
"I think at one point she did, yeah. I'm sure it's passed by now."
"Niall, how long has this been going on?" I asked, still in shock that this has obviously been going on for years.
"Too long." He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Way too fucking long."
"When you told me about her I thought it was some girl you hadn't seen in years...I thought she was just a memory that you were holding onto. But Gemma...you see her all the time, you talk to her every day. She's your best friend."
"Exactly. She's my best friend, and that's all we'll ever be. I've made my peace with that, I just want her to be happy. We've drawn the line and it is what it is." He said simply. "We're family. She's going through a lot and I'm gonna be there for her, just like she would be for me."
"Did you ever...I mean, have you-"
"No." He interrupted firmly. "Never."
"Never?"
"I kissed her once." He sighed. "Just once, years ago. And I've felt like shit ever since. I couldn't even look at Harry for a week."
"So this is all because of Harry? You're making yourself miserable because you think that's what Harry would want?" I asked.
"I'm not miserable, Hails. I've accepted it. There's just certain things that you don't do. Harry is my best friend, it's not worth losing him over it. Gem and I are good, I'd rather have her in my life the way I do than not at all. Who knows, maybe it wouldn't have worked out and I would have lost her and Harry in the process. It's better this way." He said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was me. "Besides, with my career I would have been gone all the time. It wasn't fair for me to ask her to wait around."
"Did you ever ask her what she wanted?"
"No. I mean, not really. We tried to talk about it a couple of times, but she's not the most open person in the world. She shuts down the same way Harry does, and then time just went on and we never discussed it." He shrugged.
"Then how do you know she doesn't want the same things you do?"
"There was a moment in time that I know she did. We didn't have to talk about it, I just felt it. We were in the same place, but we both knew it couldn't happen. Then life went on and I left for years on end, and we just shifted into a friendship that has gotten me through a lot of shit. She dated other guys, she moved on, and I had to do the same."
"Except you didn't...and I don't think she did either." I said softly. "Niall she's going through so much right now, and she came to you. She showed up here in tears and wanted you to comfort her, that says something."
"It says we're best friends, she's known me forever and she knows I'm here for her. That's all it says." He said in frustration as he turned and got a bottle of water out of the fridge. "Hails, please just let it go. It is what it is."
"Okay, I'm sorry." I said, holding my hands up in defense. "I just know that I never told Harry how I feel, and if I had just told him when I had the chance we wouldn't be in this mess. You deserve to be happy, Niall. And if Harry is half the friend to you that you are to him, he'll want the same thing."
"You're not gonna tell him are you?" He asked worriedly. "Hails, you can't-"
"I won't. I promise." I said sincerely. "I won't tell a soul."
"Thanks." He sighed in relief. "I guess it's kinda nice to have someone to talk to about it. I've never actually admitted it loud before."
"Never?" I asked in surprise.
"No, I've never told anyone. I was always too afraid of it getting back to Harry somehow I guess. To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever really wanted to even admit it to myself."
"I'm so sorry, Niall." I said as I hopped off my chair and rounded the corner to wrap my arms around him. "If it's any consolation, I think Gem is the luckiest girl in the world getting to be loved by you, even if she might not know it."
"Harry's a pretty lucky bastard too, even if he is a massive idiot." He chuckled.
"Those fucking Styles kids, eh?" I laughed.
"Yeah...couple of loveable pains in the arse." He smiled.
"Don't I know it." I sighed as I hopped back up into my chair. "I think you might have the better of the two though."
"Oh trust me, the stubbornness is definitely a family trait." He laughed as he popped a piece of fruit into his mouth and then looked a bit awkward again. "Uh, can I just ask you...how'd you know?"
I sighed as I thought about it, looking down at my hands as I thought about how I'd put it together so quickly from just one look he'd given her.
"Well...I um, I saw the way you looked at her...and I just...Harry used to look at me like that." I said, the sadness I felt dripping off my words as I felt that familiar ache in my chest.
I felt tears pooling in my eyes as I thought about it, missing the way we would laugh and smile together, when he'd look at me and I could just feel it. There were a million things I missed about Harry, but seeing him look at me the way Niall looked at Gemma, seeing love in his eyes, must have been the thing I missed the most.
"Hey...don't cry." Niall said softly as a tear fell down my cheek. "It's all gonna work out."
"The week is almost over Niall, I'll only be here for a few more days. I haven't heard a word." I sniffled, doing my best to stay positive but realizing the chances of him calling or showing up were getting smaller with every day that passed.
"He'll come around. Liam said he had a talk with him yesterday, he said he's just confused and is trying to sort his head out." He said as he rubbed my back.
I just nodded and took a deep breath, trying to get myself together as I turned back to my breakfast and tried to get something in my stomach.
"What time do you think Gem will be back?" I asked, eager to change the subject.
"Shouldn't be too long." He shrugged. "Actually, maybe I'll just take her my car and then I'll hang out with Harry for a bit. See if I can figure out where he's at. Then you guys can have a girls day, and if you've got the car you don't have to carry all your bags around on the tube. I'll text her."
"Okay. Thanks." I smiled. "I'll go get in the shower."
******
Harry's POV
I was puttering around the kitchen, trying to make sure that I had some lunch ready for Mum when she woke up from her nap, when my sister emerged from upstairs looking like she was heading out somewhere.
"Where you off to?" I asked as she pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge.
"I'm taking Hails shopping since she doesn't have any clothes." She shrugged as she hopped up onto one of the bar stools. "Then I'm gonna take her around, get her out for a while instead of her sitting around waiting for you to get your shit together."
I did my best to ignore the ache in my chest at the idea that she was so close, and the guilt that I'd just left her waiting around wondering if I would ever show up.
"Why doesn't she have any clothes?" I asked, finding it an odd thing for Gem to say.
"Well, she was in such a hurry to get here she didn't bother to bring her bag." She said, eyeing me up as guilt washed over me. "Yep, you're that much of an ass."
"Don't start, Gem." I sighed. "I just...I'm just trying to figure it out."
"She's gonna leave soon."
"I know." I said as I leaned against the counter as the next track on Niall's album came through the speakers in my kitchen.
A look crossed Gem's face that I couldn't quite recognize, and I found myself watching her curiously as she seemed to look uncomfortable as she listened.
"What?" I asked, a light laugh leaving my lips.
"Nothing." She said as she reached over and grabbed her phone. "...Is this Niall?"
I laughed out loud at the question, before I looked over at her and saw that she was serious. My brows pulled together in confusion as I looked at her, wondering how the hell she wouldn't have known that.
"Yes...are you telling me you haven't heard this?" I laughed as Flicker played softly in the background.
"Well I recognized his voice...I've never heard this."
"You haven't listened to your best friend's album?" I asked skeptically, finding it to be the weirdest thing I'd ever heard since I knew for a fact he'd given me a copy to give her.
"I guess I just haven't gotten around to it." She shrugged.
"Just to clarify...you have heard mine, right?" I laughed as she rolled her eyes and playfully swatted at me.
"Yes, idiot." She chuckled as I heard the front door open and Niall appeared in the kitchen a few seconds later.
"Wow, impeccable music taste around here if I do say so myself." He laughed as he pulled me in for a hug and Gem rolled her eyes yet again.
I just laughed and shook my head at him as I washed my hands in the sink.
"What are you doin here? I didn't know you were coming by." I asked as I grabbed the dishtowel and dried my hands.
"Figured I'd hang out with you while the girls go shopping." He shrugged. "They can take my car since someone doesn't have one, and we can watch the game."
"Sounds like a plan to me, then I won't have to listen to you whine in every single store and be a general pain in my ass." Gem smiled sweetly at him.
"Oh, cause you are just a fucking joy with all your god damn doubling back to every shop to try something on again or find out where the better deals were." Niall scoffed.
"Excuse me, I like a bargain. We aren't all popstars who get sent enough free stuff to clothe a small village." She said as she hopped off the bar stool and he threw his arm around her.
"Well I'm sorry I don't enjoy sitting around twiddling my thumbs for hours on end." He laughed.
"Maybe next time you should bring some paper, do some origami or something. Hopefully your skills have improved since that time in Japan." Gem laughed.
"What time in Japan?" I laughed, trying to think back on all the times we'd been there but it was all a blur.
"Remember when we took that origami class in Japan? They made us make all those square boxes like bricks, it was supposed to be the easiest shape but someone couldn't get it together." Gem smirked over at Niall.
"I got it in the end, quite the house we ended up with if I recall correctly. And Haz wasn't there, remember? He was too cool for us and went for sushi with Lou." Niall said as a look of realization crossed Gem's face and she remembered, nodding along.
"I have no recollection of this." I laughed.
"Yeah you do, when you got back we presented our houses to you and you kicked mine over and thought you were soooo funny." Gem rolled her eyes at me.
A vague image of her yelling at me in a hotel room popped into my mind and it slowly started to come back to me.
"Ohhhh yeah." I laughed. "I thought you were gonna cry."
"It took me hours to make it, you wanker." She laughed. "Building paper houses is an art that you are obviously not refined enough to appreciate."
Her words made me reference something in my mind, and I had a few seconds of confusion as I tried to figure out why the term 'paper houses' made me think of something else. I assumed it was familiar because of the story, but I quickly brushed it off as Gem announced she was leaving to go shopping.
"Um, actually Gem...hold on." I said as I ran up to my bedroom and grabbed my wallet before I headed back down to the kitchen.
I walked back in to find the two of them chuckling about something, Niall's arm thrown over her as she threw her head back in laughter. He looked down at her with a huge smile on his face, and I felt something inside of me shift as I saw them. There was nothing abnormal about it, the two of them were always laughing and playful with each other, and I'd seen them like that a million times over the years. In fact, I'd always valued their friendship and appreciated the way Niall had always looked out for her. He spent more time in London than I did, and I always felt better knowing he was around for her when I wasn't.
There was nothing different about it, but somehow there was. I couldn't put my finger on it, I didn't know if it was new or if I'd just never noticed before, but it was the way they were looking at each other. I looked at my sister, smiling up at him as he leaned down and kissed her head, and recognized the look in her eyes. I'd seen it before, in Hailey's. I then shifted to look at Niall, watching him laugh as she teased him about something, and I realized I'd never seen him have that look before. I'd never seen him look at someone the way he was looking at her, and somehow, something just clicked in my head.
It all came together like some kind of montage as images of them over the years flashed through my mind, conversations we'd had and things we'd done together. Niall's album playing in the background pulled it all together as the lyrics to Paper Houses echoed through my kitchen, and in one simple moment, a bunch of pieces fit together that I didn't even know I had. I guess it had been a while since I'd seen them together, and I'd obviously had some new experiences since then that made me able to recognize something that I'd obviously missed.
"Uh, Harry?" Gem laughed, snapping me from my thoughts as I realized I was just standing there staring at them. "I'm waiting."
"Shit. Uh, yeah." I said, shaking my head as I tried to focus. "Take this."
I pulled my credit card out of my wallet and handed it to her as she looked up at me skeptically.
"Just...buy her whatever she wants, or needs." I sighed. "And don't tell her it's from me, or she'll never accept it."
"And who am I supposed to say it's from?" She laughed. "We both know she's not gonna accept it from someone else either."
"I don't know, just put it all on one bill and tell her that's how we do it in England or something. Just tell the clerk to pretend to charge her and charge me instead. Figure it out." I shrugged.
Gem looked up at Niall and sighed, and he just shrugged before she said goodbye and took off out the front door. I suddenly felt extremely awkward as the two of us stood in my kitchen, my mind racing with a million thoughts, and I knew he picked up on it as he looked at me as if he was wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
"You alright?" He laughed.
"Yeah. Uh, you want a beer or something?" I asked, opening the fridge and pulling out two beers as I tried to slow down my thoughts that were going a mile a minute.
"Sure..." He laughed as he took it from me, and we headed into my living room and turned on the TV. "Where's your Mum?"
"She's taking a nap. She hasn't been sleeping well." I sighed, a knot in my stomach as we sat down.
"Well it's good she's getting some rest." He said. "I know you've got a lot of stuff going on in the next little bit, but I can come take her for lunch or something, check up on her if you need."
"Yeah, thanks. I'm sure she'd love that." I said as I took a sip of my beer, trying to push down all the emotions I was feeling as I swallowed.
A silence fell over us, both of us seemingly lost in our own thoughts as I stared down at the bottle in my hand and tried to make sense of everything floating around in my mind. I had no idea how to feel, so many different emotions were rushing through me as I looked back over years of conversations and experiences, wondering if I'd just been that oblivious to it. I didn't know if it was new, or if it had always been there, and things had obviously happened for Niall to make an album like that. I had no idea how to approach the subject, let alone how I felt about it, but I had to know.
"So uh, Gem's been hanging out a lot at your place." I started. "I've hardly seen her."
"Yeah, I think she's been enjoying having Hails around." He shrugged. "It's a distraction for her I guess."
"How do you think she's doing?"
"I think she's struggling, but that's normal. She has her moments, but she's finding her way." He sighed, and it was obvious that he was worried about her.
Which had a completely different meaning behind it now.
"Thanks for being there for her." I said as I took a sip of my beer. "You always have been."
"Of course, Haz. She's family." He shrugged as he smiled softly at me.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, knowing this realization would change a lot of things, and before I knew it the words were out of my mouth.
"How long, Niall?" I said, surprising myself at the anger in my voice.
He also looked shocked at my tone, before confusion took over his features as he looked over at me.
"How long what...?" He asked, his brows pulled together as he tried to figure out what I was referring to.
I stared at him, the man I loved like a brother, who had always had my back no matter what, and I couldn't believe that I was about to ask him the question that I needed an answer to.
"How long have you been in love with my sister?"
I watched him carefully as he avoided my gaze, and I couldn't miss the huge lump in his throat that he tried to swallow. For a split second, I saw panic flash in his eyes that confirmed that I was right, before he cleared his throat and let out a nervous laugh.
"Of course I love her. Like I said, she's family." He said, doing his best to brush it off.
"Niall." I said as I stared over at him, the firmness in my words causing him to swallow hard and look down at his lap. "How long?"
It was like I could literally see him battling himself, the thoughts racing through his mind as they flashed behind his eyes, almost as if wondering how I could possibly know. He was debating how much he could lie, how far I would push it, until after a few extremely long seconds he closed his eyes and sighed in defeat. He confirmed it without saying anything, but he was more tense than I'd ever seen him as he took a deep breath and spoke.
"She's your sister, Harry. She's off limits. I know that." He sighed.
"But you're in love with her, I know you are." I said, frustration clear in my voice but I wasn't sure of the exact reason.
I watched as he finally turned to look at me, his eyes glossing over as his eyes met mine, and I could see the complete and utter turmoil behind them. I saw how much pain he was in, I saw how torn and confused he was, and I hated the sight of it.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Haz. Please...please don't hate me." He said, his voice cracking as he spoke.
I leaned forward and buried my head in my hands, rubbing my face as I tried to let it all sink in. I could feel the anxiety radiating off Niall as he watched me, awaiting my reaction.
"I don't wanna feel this way. I feel like a piece of shit every time I look at her, feeling like I'm betraying you for feeling like this. I don't wanna love her, Harry. I just...no matter what I do I can't fucking stop. I've been trying for years, I swear to god I've been trying." He said desperately as he leaned forward, fisting his hair in his hands. "Nothing will ever happen. I swear to you, mate. You mean too much to me to lose you over this. I have too much respect for you to go after your sister."
The desperation in his voice was clear, which only added to my confusion as to how to feel. I was angry that I didn't see it sooner, that he'd obviously kept it from me, that all this time he'd been in love with her and I had no idea. I felt devastated that he was obviously in so much pain, suffering in silence for god knows how long because he worried that it would end our friendship. I loved Niall like a brother, and seeing him so upset was awful, but at the same time the natural instinct I had to protect my sister confused me as to how I should feel.
"That chick, the one you never talk about, the one you've been in love with all this time...the one your entire fucking album is about...this whole time it was Gemma?" I asked, in complete disbelief.
He closed his eyes and nodded, before he turned to look at me and I saw the fear in his eyes.
"Harry, I've never touched her. I swear to god, I wouldn't do that to you." He said, his words desperate and pleading as he couldn't bring himself to look at me. "I have never, and I will never, act on my feelings for her."
I swallowed hard as I watched him, hating seeing him like that, and realizing that I was the reason why. If he'd never touched her, it was obvious that it was because he thought I would hate him for it.
"How long have you felt like this?" I asked, my tone significantly softer and almost breathless.
"I dunno, a while." He shrugged nervously as he played with the label on his beer bottle.
"How long, Niall?"
"I don't have an exact day, Harry. It just happened...I guess it started when she came out on tour and we started hanging out, I-"
"Which tour? Just tell me how fucking long!" I said in exasperation.
"Take Me Home." He sighed as he hung his head. "The beginning of Take Me Home."
"That was five years ago, Niall." I said through gritted teeth. "You're telling me this has been going on for five years?"
"Yes."
"How the fuck did I not see this?" I said burying my head in my hands. "How did I miss this?"
"There was nothing to miss! Nothing happened, Harry. I swear to god." He promised before I watched a realization cross his face and he swallowed hard.
"What? Something did happen, what was it?! Did you sleep with her?!" I snapped, my emotions taking over as I yelled at him.
"No! Of course not!" He defended. "I just...I kissed her. But it was one time! Years ago, and I swear to god nothing has happened since! That's when I knew, I knew I couldn't be with her because I felt so fucking guilty, it ate me alive!"
"You kissed my sister?" I asked, still unconvinced that this conversation was really taking place. "When?"
"Harry, it was so fucking long ago. It was like four years ago, and it never happened again." He swore. "I'm so fucking sorry, I-"
"You've been in love with her this whole time? For five years?" I asked, trying to clarify.
"Haz, I-"
"Answer the question."
"Yes."
"And you never told her?"
"No."
"Why?" I asked, knowing the answer but unable to ignore the feeling in my gut that told me how much that must have been killing him.
"I told you, I couldn't do that to you. It wasn't worth risking losing your friendship." He sighed. "I'd never betray you like that, Haz."
"So you just never said anything? For five years?" I asked. "You just lived with this every day? Hanging out with her all the time, being in love with her, and not being able to do anything about it?"
"You're my brother, Harry. I never would, what would the point be of saying it? It's not like I could ever be with her." He sighed.
"Do you think she had feelings for you too?" I asked, remembering the way she looked at him and knowing she did.
"It doesn't matter."
"Did she?"
"If she did they're long gone. We're just friends, that's all we'll ever be." He sighed.
I swallowed hard as I looked over at him, recognizing the look on his face because I'd been there too. I knew how he felt, it obviously wasn't exactly the same, but being in love with your best friend and feeling like you can't be with them was the worst feeling in the world. Seven months of it had almost killed me and he'd been doing it for five years. Because of me.
"Niall I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth. Don't worry about what I'll think or whether it's gonna upset me. I have to know." I said as I took a deep breath, feeling myself beginning to calm.
He swallowed hard as he nodded, looking terrified as to what I might say, before I took another deep breath and asked the question I already had the answer to.
"Is she your Hailey?"
"What do you mean?" He asked slowly.
"Louis and I had a talk once about Eleanor when things weren't going so well, about how she was the one person he'd always go back to no matter what, that he'd always love her and nobody would ever measure up to her. You know how I feel about Hailey, I love her and no matter what I do or where I go I will always wanna go back to her. I love her so much that I feel like part of me is missing when I'm not with her, like I'm never really complete without her. But at the same time, I'd give her up if I thought it would make her happy, because I want her to be happy more than anything else. Nobody will ever mean to me what she does, and I know that in my soul. The way you feel about my sister...is it the same way Lou feels for El? The way I feel for Hails?"
He swallowed hard, shaking his head in frustration as he obviously didn't wanna answer me, before he looked at me with tears in his eyes.
"Harry, I'm so sorry."
"Answer me."
He closed his eyes, nodding slowly as the realization set in of just how much pain he'd been in all this time. Everything that he'd held in because he didn't wanna hurt me, because he didn't want me to hate him. For the first time since all of this happened I finally understood it. He obviously believed that I would be selfish enough to keep them apart, to prevent my best friend from being with the woman he loves because I didn't want her to get hurt. And I couldn't say that he was wrong.
I felt sick. It was yet another realization of the way my selfishness had hurt someone I love, how completely unaware I was of what was going on with the people closest to me, how much everyone had given up to make me happy. I'd thought that I was doing the right thing by trying to protect my sister, by doing my best to make sure that she never got her heart broken, but in turn I may have robbed her of the opportunity to be with someone who would have treated her the way she deserved.
I thought back to the conversation we'd had a few nights ago, where she'd told me about how none of the guys she'd dated really felt like the right one, how it felt like there was something missing. I wondered if Niall was the person she was talking about when she said she'd been in love, and the entire thing just made me feel sick with guilt. I knew what it felt like to be close to the person you love, to wake up next to them and feel like everything was right in the world. To think that somewhere along the way I'd robbed them both of that feeling made me feel like a despicable human being.
"Harry...I'm-"
"No, Niall." I sighed, turning to look at him as tears filled my eyes. "I'm the one who's sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
I watched his eyes widen in confusion, his mouth open slightly as he tried to figure out why I would be apologizing to him.
"All this time, almost the entire time I've known you, you've never been serious with a girl. You've never dated anyone longer than a few months, always been single. You fell in love with someone that you thought you couldn't be with, and you've spent hears torturing yourself because you thought it would be what I wanted." I said, clenching my jaw and tightly closing my eyes as guilt overtook me. "I obviously did nothing to make you feel like I would put what you wanted before myself, that I would just want you to be happy over anything else. There is obviously a part of you that thinks I would be selfish enough to keep you from the woman you love for my own selfish reasons."
"You're not selfish, I just-"
"But I am, Niall." I interrupted. "Not only am I selfish, I'm fucking oblivious. I didn't see what was right in front of my face for years. I couldn't see that my best friend and my sister were both suffering, I didn't see that none of you wanted the break, that I'd shut down Hailey's efforts to communicate with me. Fuck, I didn't even see how fucking miserable Zayn was, that he was in so much pain, and I did nothing to help any of you."
"Don't do that." He said firmly. "Don't make yourself out to be such a piece of shit."
"I am, though. That's exactly what I am. I'm a fucking horrible human being." I said as tears began to fall from my eyes and I buried my face in my hands.
"You are the fucking best human being I know, Harry. Did it ever occur to you that maybe we were all just trying to protect you, because we love you? Nobody wanted to hurt you, to lose your friendship, because you are the best fucking friend I've ever had. You have never let me down, Haz. Not once. You always make sure everyone is okay, you make the tough calls when nobody else has the balls to. You have the biggest heart, and you're so gentle and loving, I think we all just wanna protect you the same way you protect us. Anything you do is because you think it's best, your heart is always in the right place." He said as he put his hand on my back.
"But look what I've done, Niall? Everyone I love is in some kind of pain because of me." I cried.
"That's bullshit, Harry. Don't take all that on. I made the decision not to pursue anything with Gemma, you weren't the only factor. She deserved better than I what I could give her, and you know that. You wanted what was best for your sister, and there's nothing wrong with that. We all needed the break, you just helped us see that, and we're all better for it. What happened with you and Hails...both of you made mistakes, and it's not too late to fix them. And Zayn...I think we all just got caught up in so many things that a lot of us missed it. He wasn't exactly telling us he was miserable every day and we just ignored him."
"I just...I'm so fucking sorry." I sniffled. "If you love Gem the way I love Hails, I just...the thought of you feeling this kind of pain for five years, of living the way I have for the past few months, and all because of me...I can't believe I did that to you."
"You didn't do that to me, Harry." He sighed. "I did it to myself. I made my own choices. I love what Gem and I have, that we can just hang out and be best friends, I love having her in my life the way she is. I don't even know if it would have worked out, and if it didn't I probably wouldn't even have her in my life at all. I'm happy, Haz. I made that choice, and I'm okay with it. I love you, and I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship."
I took a deep breath as I let it all sink in, trying to process all of the revelations I'd had in the past couple of days, and I was overcome with so many different emotions I didn't know where to start. In a way, I was incredibly thankful for the series of events that had occurred that had led me to that place, where I could sit in the consequences of the things I'd done, where I could reflect and see things I'd never seen before. I felt like something inside of me had switched, and not only did I see the way my actions had hurt those around me, but I could see everywhere that I went wrong. I could see it so clearly that it was obvious to me the ways in which I needed to improve myself, the areas that I needed to work on, and without those painful experiences I may have gone on and kept hurting those I loved.
"Niall, you need to tell her." I said sternly as I looked over at him.
"No, I don't. I won't." He said quickly. "I'm telling you, it was a long time ago. We're just friends, I've accepted that."
"No you haven't, Niall. If she's your Hailey then you'd never accept it. You would have stopped loving her a long time ago if she wasn't. You haven't sat back and watched her date other guys, spent so much time with her and never been able to be with her the way you want to, you haven't suffered in silence for this fucking long to just accept that she'll never be yours." I sighed, leaning back on the couch and looking up at the ceiling.
"But I will. I'll accept it if it means I don't lose you." He said firmly with a shake of his head.
"Listen to me." I said as I looked over at him. "I'm not gonna lie and say that this isn't a bit of a shock, but I know you, and I know that you didn't do this to yourself for so long for some fling. Nobody is ever gonna be good enough for my sister, but if you love her like I think you do then that's all I could ever want for her. The fact that you suffered like this for so long...just because you didn't wanna upset me...I-I don't even know what to say. It has to be the most selfless thing I've ever heard of, and honestly if the roles were reversed I don't know if I could have done it. I appreciate it, but it's been long enough."
He just looked at me, his eyes glossy as he tried to figure out what to say, before I continued.
"I've made a lot of mistakes over the years, mate. And I'm finally realizing them all at once. You're right, I probably would have flipped out if you'd told me back then, because nobody deserves my sister. But you're the best guy I know, and if anyone would ever come close, it would be you. I know you'd treat her right, take care of her, and that's all I could really want for her."
"Haz...it's been so long, the time has passed. We both moved into a different space, things are good now, I'm not gonna complicate everything by telling her." He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"You have to. You have to tell her, because if you don't...you'll never forgive yourself." I said, Hailey's face flashing through my mind.
"I'll think about it." He said as he leaned back into the couch, taking a long swig of his beer.
"It's your life, bro. I just want you to be happy. Just know, whatever you decide, whatever happens, you have my support." I said sincerely.
"Thanks." He sighed. "This is not how I thought this day was gonna go." He laughed nervously.
"Yeah...when I woke up this morning I sure as fuck didn't think I'd be sitting here telling you to try to date Gem." I chuckled in disbelief.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us staring straight ahead as we got lost in our own thoughts, Hailey running through my mind as the familiar ache in my chest returned.
"She really does love you, Harry." Niall sighed. "I know she hasn't said it...but she does."
I closed my eyes tightly as I let his words sink in. As much as I'd tried to accuse Hailey of running from me, of not caring, I knew she did. I knew she felt what I felt, she'd just been too scared to admit it and I'd done nothing to reassure her that I wouldn't leave her. I saw it when she looked at me, felt it when she touched me. I knew that we were connected in a way that nobody else would ever understand, and after everything that had been revealed to me in the past couple of days, it became clear to me what I needed to do.
"I guess I can't really tell you to talk to Gem and then keep hiding from Hailey." I sighed.
"Nope." He said, a soft smile tugging at his lips. "Besides, it's actually kinda creepy how you guys think the exact same. You have like telepathy or something."
"What you mean?"
"I had this same conversation with her this morning. Five years I went without a soul realizing my feelings for Gem, and you two both figure it out on the same day." He sighed with a shake of his head. "Kinda crazy when you think about it."
"Yeah..." I said, nodding along as I thought about it. "I guess maybe I had to love someone that way to recognize it. I just saw the way you looked at her, and I just knew you felt the same way I do about Hails."
"And that's exactly what she said." He smiled.