Please read the note at the end *
The scolding hot water felt so good against my skin. It was like all of the unnecessary stress gathered from today was being burned away by the steaming water, and I couldn't be more thankful. Today started off quite well, and suddenly it was like we lost control of the brakes and went rolling down a hill to a very brutal death. I mean we survived, I didn't think we would, but we did.
The soap from my body and my hair was already drained away, I just couldn't force my body to leave the warmth of the shower. Not because I would have to hurriedly change into clothes to avoid the chilly air, but because I didn't want to face whatever is going on with Harry. It isn't like I don't care, it's because I don't want to make Harry do something he clearly doesn't want to do. But I will not stand by and let this one opportunity to mend his relationship with his father slip away from him. Considering my own father is dead and I will never get a chance to see him again, I just want Harry to try.
I exited the shower after a couple minutes of empty thoughts and heavy plops of water, that pattered against the glass door that had steamed up. I was instantly greeted by chilly air that made me shiver, the unpleasant air was enough motivation for me to hurriedly dry my body with a thick fluffy blue towel and get my joggers on. I was now in loose grey joggers and a sports bra, I didn't expect it to still be quite chilly so I didn't grab one of Harry's jumpers, but I know where one of his is.
I left the bathroom, the silence lingering in my apartment made me curious, but the coolness in the air that nipped at my bare skin was pushing me to get a jumper first. I reached my bedroom and found one of Harry's jumpers in my wardrobe, one from many months ago that I kept. Yes, I did cuddle the jumper that smelt just like him when we were apart...
I walked down the hallway and into the living room and kitchen area where I saw Harry. He was laying on his back on the couch, his phone on his chest and his hands locked together over his stomach. His empty emerald eyes were open and staring at the ceiling, and his thick black eyelashes were damp and sticking to one another — a sign he had been crying.
"Harry?" I said quietly, afraid of frightening him. He didn't flinch nor move.
"Yeah?" He whispered, hoarsely.
"Everything okay?"
"Mhm," he mumbled, his lips parting only for his pink tongue to swipe over his drying lips. "My dad's coming over in an hour."
"Oh!" I gasped, hurriedly making my way towards the couch where I lifted up his legs to sit underneath them. He placed his legs back over my thighs and let my hands gently run up and down from his ankle to his knee. "Is he coming here?"
"Yes," he answered. "I should have asked you, but I just don't want to meet with him on my own."
"That's okay, I understand. Maybe I can give you two some space and if you need me you can just call for me?"
"No!" He sat himself up quickly. His green eyes were dark, slightly red from his cry, but still dark and powerful. His legs were bent and my legs rested underneath them, his right shoulder against my left one. "I need you beside me Luna, this was your idea —"
"I never made you do this, I gave you the chance you're the one who decided to do this. Clearly you miss your father."
"I did it for you," he shrugged. I can see right through him, he's like a ghost. He's a liar, and a damn right bad one.
"You're lying."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!" He said with a pout.
"Harry," I scoulded. "We're not five years old, and you're a shitty liar and you know it."
"Fine," he rolled his eyes with a sigh, making my smug grin creep onto my lips. His hands came in contact with my hands, tangling together in his lap as he looked at me with loving eyes. "I wouldn't have done this if it weren't for you though."
"How so?" I asked intriguingly.
"Because I've never wanted to talk to him about anything. But you made me realise I have so much missing because I don't even know my own father."
My heart pinched at the truth he shared about not knowing his father. "I'm happy you're doing this Harry I really am," I smiled. "I love you."
"I love you too."
___
Harry had been pacing by the front door for far too long, puffing his cheeks and sighing loudly. His sighs were so loud I could hear them from the bedroom. I was stood at the counter that separated the kitchen from the living room, my eyes just flicking back and forth as I followed his lanky frame as he paced. Occasionally he would pause his movements, stare at the door completely rigid and awkward, then when whatever noise he assumed he could hear was gone he resumed his pacing. It was oddly amusing, but I couldn't laugh at it because he was clearly anxious to properly sit and chat with his father.
Harry looked at me like I was the odd one standing at the counter watching him. "What? Have I got something on my ass?" He swiped his palms over his bottom and rolled his eyes.
"Calm down Harold—"
"No Luna!" He snapped, making me flinch. "Don't tell me to calm down. This is serious to me, of course I'm going to freak out, I won't calm down. If you can't just shut up and stop looking at me like that then just fucking leave!"
I didn't even have any strength in me to argue, I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. "Wait, what am I doing. I live here. You leave!"
He looked stunned, like he also forgot this wasn't his home. I mean two months ago we could have called this our home, if he didn't leave me to speak to his ex. Old news, I shouldn't think about it. "I'm sorry."
"I know you're mad, confused, hurt," I dropped my keys on the counter and walked towards his shaky body. "But you have to remember, I'm here to support you, yelling at me isn't going to help this situation. I'm telling you to calm down because if you go into this shaking and anxious you will freak out. I know you so don't deny it."
He ran his hand over his face, rubbing the heels of his palms over his eyes harshly and then his hands dropped to my shoulders. His green orbs burning into my brown ones, his body melted into me as he hugged me closely. Like a child clutching onto their teddy bear.
I pulled back slightly so I could reach my hand up between us, tucking a stray strand of brown hair from his eyes. His hair has grown out quite a bit, but not enough to put it up, just long enough to push it back with a headband maybe. I smiled at him and before I could speak two loud knocks came from the door, I felt his whole body flinch against mine.
"Hey look at me," I said forcefully, both my hands carefully holding his warm cheeks. "I'm right here with you."
"I love you," he whispered breathlessly.
"I love you more. Now get the door, I'll make some tea."
He nodded against my hands and pushed himself unwillingly away from me, I could see his fingers fidget as if he wanted to lunge himself back into me for safety. It warmed my heart to know I was this safety net for him, like I was the one thing he trusted would catch him at the bottom once he jumps off the edge. And I'm glad he thinks that, because I am his safety net.
I headed for the kitchen, my ears picking up the sound of the door opening and an inaudible deeper voice that sounded like Harry's. If anyone's voice could be deeper than his. I pushed their voices far away so I wouldn't eavesdrop, just out of politeness. I placed two mugs on the counter, but something in me couldn't reach for the kettle to boil some water. Instead I left the kitchen and anxiously made my way to the front door where I saw Harry and his father. My heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight.
Harry's father had his arms around Harry's shoulders and Harry's face was smooshed into Des' neck. Harry's back was rising and falling rather fast and it was somewhat alarming to see my handsome man in such a state. As if he knew I had caught him he let out such a loud sob someone out on the street could have heard it.
Des was cooing Harry like he was a small child crying over a broken toy or a splinter in his thumb, when really he was calming his grown child that was broken inside.
Des spotted me lurking in the shadows and a sad smile pulled at his lips before I saw his arms tighten around his child. I felt for the both of them, this was such an incredible moment for the two of them and they really need this. Harry pulled away, his eyes meeting mine and almost like he saw home after being homesick for so long, he ran to me. His chest crashing with mine and his arms crushing my shoulders as he held me tightly.
"I don't want to do it," he cried. He was like a child. "Don't make me do it."
"Do what?" I asked quietly.
"Talk about my feelings. I don't want too."
"We won't then, we'll talk about the past — but without the feelings!"
"I won't talk about my feelings!" He said sternly, his voice cracking slightly which didn't help his attempts at being strong. I nodded and guided Harry to the couch in the living room, Des closely behind us.
Harry's hands were gripping mine, his eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks were heated and stained with wet tear trails and his bottom lip was quivering.
"Harry," Des began, cautiously sitting himself on the couch beside me, with Harry on my left. I was sandwiched between the Styles' and I felt like I was this protective shield masking any hurt from touching my boyfriend. "I'm sorry for what happened those years ago, but I want you to hear my side of the story. I know I touched on it, and you would've heard what your mother's version is, and what Robin's take on it all was. But I want you to hear it from me..."
"I married your mother when I was nineteen years old, I was very young and very naïve. Your mother was only eighteen, just turned eighteen to be precise. Both our parents liked us being together and we loved each other, so nothing there was wrong. We weren't expecting kids yet and we hadn't even spoken about how many we wanted to have. All we had was rings on our fingers, living in a tiny house in a rough neighbourhood and about two hundred pounds between us..."
"It was rough, but we made it through the first year with very little arguments. Then Gemma arrived and suddenly we're struggling to get food on the table, we paid so much for the house your mother is currently in, that we had no money to buy toys for Gemma to play with," Des said sadly, recalling the memories. "By the time you came along we had a better life. I had a very good paying job, so did Anne, and we could provide for you kids. The issues were never with you guys, it wasn't that we didn't like you or we didn't want you, it was with us. Me and your mother. God I loved her, with everything I had in me, I loved her. I'm sure you know what that overwhelming feeling is like?"
Both Harry and I nodded without a second thought, a subtle yet obvious smile was shared between Harry and I. Des observing very closely with a fond and proud smile.
"But sometimes you lose that love, I'm not saying you always lose it, but sometimes it disappears. I still love Anne, but not the way that I can see you love Luna," he said. "Your mother spent all her time at work or with you kids or sleeping, and I was spending all my time working, paying bills and drinking. I would yell at your mother for not giving me any attention and she'd yell right back at me for the same reasons. It just got very unhealthy and it wasn't fair for us, and for you and Gemma..."
"Your mother and I didn't ever want you kids to have a broken home, we wanted you guys to be happy and grow up with love and happiness in your lives. And I blame myself everyday for you not receiving that. And I know I should have tried contact you more, but I didn't think your mother wouldn't tell you I tried call and I tried send you cards. I don't blame her to be honest, I wouldn't want myself near you guys either..."
"I ruined your life, and I apologise. I am not who I used to be, I know how to treat women right and I know how to respect them. Which I failed to do with your mother. I cheated on her which is disgusting, and I regret it. But I can't change the past no matter how hard I try or how hard I wish I could, but I love Michelle very very much. And I never once treated Bella like she was my daughter, I respected her and I would listen to whatever she had to say, but I didn't try to parent her because she wasn't my child. And I do not parent Toby, I care for him and I respect him, and yes sometimes I could be seen as being very fatherly towards him. But I know he isn't my biological son, because the only son I have is right in front of me..."
"I know I can't walk right back into your life and I know you could never forgive me just like that, but I will wait however long it takes for my son to love me again. To want to call me Dad."
"I do love you Dad, of course I do, you and Robin were the only men I could look up too. I lost you and I didn't know why you didn't want us anymore, and I hated you I won't lie," Harry sighed. "But I can learn to forgive you — it'll take time! But I can try."
Des' eyes were glossy as he smiled proudly and stood up followed by Harry, the two of them just hugging one another and crying. I slipped out of the room to gather my thoughts and leave them to talk together. It's not my place to hover, even if I'm Harry's girlfriend, I still don't have the right to hover in on a private deep conversation.
I'm so proud of Harry. He took it very well, he's going to forgive his father over time and he said he loved his father. That's an overwhelming achievement for Harry. When life gets hard it's difficult to step over the cracks to get to the other side safely, it's hard to find a clearing.
Life will throw shit at you every chance it gets. Heartache, misery, death, battles, illnesses, war... Anything bad it will be thrown and it's all because life likes to test us human beings. It likes to see how much we can take, how much shit we can take before we break.
Even when you can't see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, or you can't see colour in a world of black and white — you have to keep trying. If you give up, you lose so much. And people forget that. Giving up isn't a sign of weakness or defeat, it's simply pain. But pain doesn't last forever, pain can be subsided and you can heal. Maybe pain will kill you, but for a split second you won't feel it anymore. You can get rid of that pain if you try.
Harry saw pain, he felt it and he craved it. He was blinded by the darkness that shielded all the light he couldn't see. I squeezed through this tiny gap to help guide him onto the path towards the light, and here he is. Dipping his toes into the water and testing the temperature. He knows there is light at the end of every dark alley way, and he's going to find it no matter how much pain he may endure. He will find it.
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A/n:
I haven't been in the best mindset recently so please bare with the slow updates. I just want the chapters to be a decent length and be good enough for you guys, I don't want to just upload a 7 page chapter because it's been a week you know. This chapter has taken me 4 days to write, and I wasn't going to post it until I was in a better mindset to do it but I really want to get something up for you guys and because I know a lot of people don't look at my wall where I post things.
Also my new job is proving to take up a shit ton of my time so I apologise for that too.
I hope you liked this update, I hope it wasn't too long of a wait xo