Shailenes POV:
I awake with Devan next to me cuddled up with Niall. Although the sight is adorable, I have to wake him up. We have a funeral to get ready for, the last time I went to a funeral it was Mari's. I shudder at the thought and the dream I had last night. That dream was mental its like she is showing me this herself.
I nudge Devan, and that doesn't wake him up. I am soon shaking him. And when that didn't work, I jump on him.
"What the fuck Shai?" he groans.
"We need to get up and get ready! We have a 'I hate the word' to attend." I remind him.
He rolls over and rubs his eyes, he looks at me and sticks out his bottom lip like a child begging for something.
"I have a headache." he whines.
"Good for you, now get up!"
"You know what would make me feel better?" he asks.
"What?" I groan,
"A kiss!" he closes his eyes and puckers his lips.
I shove my stuffed monkey in his face and he laughs. He finally decides to get up.
***
As I am putting on the black dress I had purchased a week ago, I think. Without dad, I wouldn't have life. Without dad, I wouldn't have a sister. Without dad, I wouldn't have a home. Without dad, I wouldn't have a car. Without dad, I wouldn't have many things. Now that he is gone the things he gave me, I shall never take for granted.
I hear a knock on my bedroom door which caught my attention. I walk out of the bedroom to find that it was Devan and Collins.
The sight of them all dressed up made me smile.
I finish straightening my hair in the bathroom about 10 minutes later. I make sure to wear waterproof mascara because I know the tears will come. When I finish up I go make sure OakLeigh and mum are ready.
They both were, thank God.
Mum was very upset when I see her but she has a right to. I don't think she ever thought she would have to attend her husbands funeral at this age. But, life happens, I hate life when it happens. One day everything could be perfect, you go to sleep that night and wake up to every thing being gone.
I feel someones arm snake around my waist, I didn't have to look I knew it was Devan.
"You ready?" he asks,
"Well I am ready to go, but not ready for the emotions to come."
"Nicely worded." he says impressed.
We hear my mum yell "I'm leaving! Meet us there!" from downstairs.
That was our cue, we went into the kitchen to eat. But I didn't feel like eating. I pick at my food and end up tossing it.
When we arrive at the church, every one is quietly conversating. There aren't many because my family isn't that big, and my dad didn't have many friends. They are all dressed in dark colors, with sad looks written on their faces. In the distance I can see a casket on the stage, my breathing stops when I see it.
I feel my palms become sweaty, my knees get weak, my breathing becomes irregular. I can feel myself getting dizzy, I'm holding back tears that are causing me to choke. I fall to my knees and my world goes dark.
***
I wake up on a row of chairs still in the church building. With Devan and mum hovered over me.
"What happened?" I ask finding the strength to sit up.
"You had a severe panic attack and ended up passing out. But you should be ok now. Right?" My mum explains.
"I think so." I say rubbing my eyes.
Devan helps me up and I see everyone staring at me. I drag Devan with me into the hallway.
"Are you ok?" he questions once we make sure nobody is around to see nor hear us.
"I saw the casket and lost it. I'm sorry, I think I'm ok now." I assure him, pulling him into a hug.
We make our way back into the sanctuary and just in time for the short memorial service.
The pastor does the normal "You all loved him, he was a great man blah blah blah blah blah blah..." then mum spoke, after her OakLeigh. It broke my heart to see my sister have to hold back tears when she said "Daddy". Me and OakLeigh were always closer with our dad, not that we weren't with mum. But, we were just a lot closer with dad.
When it was my turn to speak, the nerves kicked in. I got up to the front with no speech in hand just my thoughts.
"My father was a bad person at times. But he had a good heart, even though at times a good heart isn't always enough. I always saw the good that was in my dad because believe me it was there. He loved me and OakLeigh with all of his heart and I saw it. He may have died doing a bad thing but he will will be remembered for the good.
I never understood why he liked drugs. I never knew what he found so good about them. Because drugs make you a different person, they make you mean, ruthless and evil. My dad was none of those things, but the drugs made him that way. I now regret hating him at times because he's gone. My father has been taken from me and I can't get him back. I don't want to believe it but he is gone. That's all I have to say." I run to the back crying, my emotions getting the best of me.
I don't care anymore.
Im angry, I'm sad, I'm empty, I feel nothing but those three. I can hear the pastor wrapping up the ceremony by praying. When he is done we do a viewing of the body. I get the strength to get up and peer into the casket. I know everyone says this but its true. He looks lifeless pale, I touch his hand and it felt like ice. He's really gone. This is their proof.
I can't deny it anymore.
I look over to see my mum sobbing, this was her breaking point. I see OakLeigh sitting on Collins lap silently crying as he comforts her. Devan is stood next to me with an empathetic look on his face. He takes my hand and squeezes it "I'm sorry, baby." he has never called me that before. My heart melted when he said that, I swear. But people call people baby all the time. It doesn't mean anything, he's just being nice. I convince myself.
"The following reception is at Mrs. Lockwoods house." the pastor announces. We get into my jeep and Devan drives because I'm not in a good state to drive.
When we arrive there are already a few people there. Mum is in the kitchen setting up the food she had prepared nights before. I sit in the passenger seat not wanting to get out, but Devan makes me. I am greeted by family and friends. Telling me how much i've grown and all that other cliche shit. I go upstairs overwhelmed by it all. I rummage through my closet to find a tiny wooden box. I open it finding the blade I had used about 9 months ago.
I shouldn't do this.
I shouldn't do this.
I shouldn't do this.
I press the blade to the skin of my wrist and slide it across pain fully slow.
My mouth is left agape when I realized what I had just done. I promised everyone I would never do it again. But I did. I hear a knock on the door and quickly put the blade back in the box. I throw it into the closet and shut the door. I hide my now bleeding wrist behind my back and yell.
"Come in!"
"Hey. You ok?" Devan asks shutting the door.
"Uhm ya."
"Ok, good I thought something was-" his eyes shoot to the hand behind my back, "why are you hiding your hand?" he questions.
"Oh uh no reason." I say innocently.
"Ok let me see it then."
"No!" I say a bit too quickly,
"Let my see your goddamn hand!" he says grabbing my wrist and I wince in pain as his flesh touches the open wound. My blood gets on his hand as a tear rolls down his cheek.
He's crying. I hurt him by doing this.
"You told me you wouldn't do it again. YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID YOU WOULDN'T!" he yelled, shocking me.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do! Please don't cry!" I beg.
"You could've talked to me! I'm going to cry because I care about you more than anything else on this earth. Where is it?" he asks referring to the blade.
"I'm not telling you. I need it! It's my only release!" he goes into my closet to find that the blade had fallen out of the box and unto the floor.
He puts it back in the box and takes it.
"You are never getting this back. If I have to watch you 24/7 to make sure you don't hurt yourself I will." he warns, tossing the box from my window to his landing on the bed.
"Come here." he takes me into the bathroom, cleans my cut and bandages it.
He leans down to kiss it, giving me chills.
"I'm sorry, its hard to stop." I confess.
"I understand. But please don't ever do anything like this again. You have me."
"It's not that easy! I can't just wish away my suicidal thoughts Devan." I say.
"I know, but try please. For me?" I look into his bright tearfilled eyes.
"Okay."
"Okay." he answers, we giggle at The fault in our stars reference. I hug him tightly, feeling actually happy.
(Hey lavelies!! I had surgery on Friday so thats why I haven't updated. I'm still healing and will be for the next 2 weeks so I will have a lot of down time to write! Anyways thanks for reading! Don't forget to vote AND comment your thoughts!
Byeeee!
❤,Kayla
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Ps. sarahmayhue07 when I wrote this I got feels from Josh's funeral Sad times😖)