Chapter 32: Roses and Blood
Pinagmasdan ko ang interior ng bahay. From the wallpaper, to the chandeliers, down to the carpeted floor. The house was fully furnished. The bed has fresh sheets. Everything seems serene and undisturbed the first time I stepped inside the house.
Umupo ako sa kama na sapo ang aking mukha. But what should I feel? This house... this house screams Landon. At kahit gaano pa ito kalaki o karangya, kung wala siya sa aking tabi, lahat ito ay balewala.
I miss him. I'm worried. Nasaan na siya? Ano na ang kanyang ginagawa? Maayos ba siya?
Napahiga ako sa kama at napatitig sa ceiling. This pain... is digging into my bones.
--
I woke up disoriented and dazed the next day. Bumalot sa akin ang tahimik at hindi familiar na paligid. Muling nagsink in sa akin kung nasaan ako.
Nagbihis ako at Bumaba sa kusina upang maghanda ng pagkain. River left me several grocery bags full of food so I don't have to worry about it. Maayos din na gumagana ang mga facilities ng bahay.
Dinala ko ang mug ng kape sa balkonahe. Sumisilip ang sinag ng araw mula sa likod ng nagtataasang pader na binabalutan ng halaman. Tumatama ang sinag nito sa aking mukha.
Payapa ang paligid. Lone birds chirped nearby. This semi-victorian house is something I could only dream of. At mas maganda pa ito ngayong malinaw kong nakikita ang bawat detalye ng bahay.
There's a garden, with low plants, and bonsai. There's also a small empty pond. Trees are tall, but not looming. Trimmed grass covered most of the ground. I wanted to walk on bare feet to feel the grass. I wanted to feel these simple things again.
--
Pumasok ako sa school noong umagang yon. It took me twenty minutes more of travel time now that I have a new residence.
We have a make up class in a major subject that day. Ngunit maliban doon, ang dahilan kaya pumasok ako ng maaga ay si Elyse. Gusto ko siyang maka-usap. Gusto kong marinig sa kanya ang dahilan kung bakit nagawa niya akong iwan nang ganoon nalang.
Nadatnan ko si Elyse na kausap ang ilan sa kanyang mga katabi. You could put Elyse anywhere and she could be friends with anyone. It's considered a previledge to be friends with Elyse.
Nilapitan ko sila. Nagkatinginan ang kanyang mga kausap. They know who I am. The girl who always tags along with Elyse. This is my identity.
"Can we talk?"
Tinignan ni Elyse ang wrist watch niya. "It's almost time for our class, Danny," she said with a pretty smile. "You can tell it here. Come sit."
Tinuro niya ang bakanteng upuan na pinakamalapit. I was hesistant to tell her there. Madami ang makakarinig.
"About... the apartment..."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Danny. I have a new condo. I can't always tag you along, can I?"
I blinked. Pakiramdam ko napahiya ako.
Noong mga oras na yon kadarating lang nila Daniela sa seminar room. Narinig nila ang aming usapan. Daniela was about to say something when Justin motioned for her to leave this between us.
Ilan sa mga nakarinig ay napatingin sa aming direction. Yes, I understand. I'm Elyse's shadow.
"Naintindihan ko," sinabi ko kay Elyse.
In that exact moment I knew... I lost her. I lost my best friend. And the most painful thing about it... is maybe she never really considered me as one.
But maybe... maybe I'm no better. Because I chose a man over her. Because I chose to hurt her instead of giving her the happiness she badly wanted.
But if that happiness is the only thing I'm holding on to... if it's the only thing that's keeping me together despite of everything, can I be selfish too? Can I have that happiness too?
Bumalik ako sa aking upuan. Nag init ang sulok ng aking mga mata. Pero hindi dahil napahiya ako. Kundi dahil hanggang sa mga oras na yon pilit ko paring iniintindi si Elyse.
--
Matapos ang klase ay umalis ako sa seminar room. Bago ako nakaalis nakita ko sina Daniela na kinakausap si Elyse. Ngunit umalis na ako bago pa marinig ang kanilang usapan.
Dumerecho ako sa Saint Jude's kung nasaan si Mama. Pinaalam ko sa kanya ang aking paglipat.
"Yong kaibigan na kasama mo sa dati mong tirahan, nasaan na siya?"
Natahimik ako. Madalas kong mai-kwento sa kanya si Elyse kahit na noong hindi niya pa ako lubusang nakikilala bilang anak niya.
"May bago na po siyang tinitirhan."
"Maayos ka ba sa tinutuluyan mo ngayon, anak?"
I told her I was renting one of the rooms of a semi-victorian house. I didn't told her I was alone or the house is mine. "Okay lang ako, Ma."
Niyakap ko siya. Kailangan ko ng lakas niya sa mga oras na ito. Hinagod niya ang aking likod at hinayaan ako sa kanyang bisig.
I spend the entire afternoon with Mama. Magkasabay kaming kumain. Mama is into painting this past few weeks. She had materials given by the center. Sinabi nila na ang mga activities na tulad nito ay makakatulong sa recovery ng mga pasyente.
Gustong gusto kong nakikita si Mama na nagco-concentrate sa bagay na gusto niyang gawin. It feels like I'm back to those days when everything was still normal, back to our old home, back to those summer mid-days when the sun was high, and Mom and I would make cold drinks and talk in the balcony.
Because right now, it feels like a year-round winter. Everything is hazy, like a blizzard. Emotions are cold. Stares are blank. Bodies are tired, trying to keep the fading warmth.
Magdadapit hapon na noong pumunta kami sa garden. Mukhang kanina pa ako gustong tanungin ni Mama tungkol sa isang bagay.
"Sigurado ka bang okay ka lang, anak?" tanong niya.
I nodded to assure her. "I'm fine, Ma."
Hindi mapalagay si Mama habang nakaupo siya sa wheelchair. Kaya naman umupo ako sa kanyang harapan at hinawakan ang kanyang kamay.
"Ma, I'm Denise. Your daughter. Kaya ko ang kahit anong ibato sa akin."
Tinitigan ako ni Mama. "Yong lalake... yong sinabi kong nag asikaso ng aking paglipat?"
I blinked. "What about him?"
"Pumunta siya dito noong isang araw."
Natigilan ako. Si Landon... nandito si Landon. Pero bakit... bakit hindi niya sinabi? Gustong gusto ko na siyang makita.
"Humingi siya ng tawad sa akin. Sinabi niya na nasasaktan ka niya. Hindi niya ito sinasadya pero nasasaktan ka niya."
Nanghina ang aking mga tuhod kaya halos umupo ako sa lupa.
"Paulit ulit siyang humingi ng tawad sa akin noong isang araw. Denise, is there something I need to know? Maaari mo akong sabihan."
Nangilid ang aking luha. "Ma," I said. "What should I do? I love him so much it hurts."
"Denise..."
"I know I should not feel this. I'm crazy for having to feel this. It pains me, knowing the fact that it's hurting him more."
Tuluyang dumaosdos ang luha sa aking pisngi. "I don't think I deserve him."
Pinahid ni Mama ang luha sa aking pisngi.
"You deserve every good thing in this world, Denise. And I'm not saying this because I'm your mother. I'm saying this because I saw you fought hard for a glimpse of sunshine in the midst of your storm. And now you are someone else's sunshine deserving to fight for."
Tinitigan ako ni Mama. "Hindi mo man ito nakikita sa iyong sarili, ngunit hindi ikaw ang buwan. Para sa mga taong balot sa kadiliman, ikaw ang araw."
--
Habang nasa byahe pauwi ng bahay, pilit kong kinokontak si Landon. Alam kong mali ang aking ginagawa. Alam kong hindi kami maaaring magkita. But I want to see him. I'm aching for him.
"Landon, can we talk?"
"Can I see you?"
"I miss you, Landon."
There was no reply. Nakarating ako sa bahay, lumubog ang araw at dumating ang gabi, ngunit wala akong nakuhang sagot mula sa kanya.
Maybe he's out of town. Maybe he's in the family mansion. Hindi na siya pumapasok sa Saint Matthew's. Maybe he transferred school. Maybe... and a thousand more maybe.
Pinatay ko ang mga ilaw ng bahay at pumunta sa aking kwarto upang matulog. Ngunit bago pa ako makahiga sa kama narinig kong tumunog ang doorbell.
Natigilan ako. Ilan lang ang may alam ng bahay n ito. River, Yllona, and Landon. And I remember River telling me he would visit me one of this days.
Lumabas ako ng kwarto at bumaba ng hagdan. Bago pa ako makababa ay tuluyang bumukas ang front door. My breathing halted. Landon stood in front of me.
"Landon..."
Tuluyan akong bumaba at niyakap siya. His familiar scent greeted me. Something sweet, yet tangy. Like rose... and blood. I miss him so bad.
"You should not open the door so carelessly like that. What if it's a different person?" He's serious, but there's an amused tone in his voice.
"I miss you."
Landon stared back at me. "Have you been crying?"
Umiling ako. "No."
He stared at me like he doesn't believe me. Linibot niya ang tingin sa bahay. "So you already saw this."
Pinagmasdan ko si Landon. His dominating presence, his piercing gaze, his tightened jaw and the lush of his eyebrow. They are all so familiar, so Landon. But he seems tired. He's in front of me, but I can't seem to hold him.
"Are you tired, Landon?"
Lumingon siya sa akin, tila nagtaka siya sa biglaan kong tanong. "No," mariin niyang sinabi. Lumapit siya sa akin. "Are you?"
Hindi ako sumagot.
"Tell me if you're tired Landon," I said. "I could forget this feeling... We can go back to-"
Hindi ko naituloy ang aking sasabihin nang hinapit ako ni Landon sa bewang.
"Don't say that," sinabi niya. "Denise, please don't say that."
We stared at each other. We are both aware of our situation, of how close we are yet so far.
One wrong move can start a fire. But the longer we stare at each other is a match scratching sand paper. Hinila ko si Landon palapit at hinalikan sa labi. I was the one who spark a dangerous fire.
"Denise..."
Pilit kong kinalimutan ang takot ko. Landon responded, dominating the kiss. The light feathery kisses turned heavy. My lips were raw and swollen as I continue to kiss his.
Binuhat ako ni Landon. He let me hooked my legs on his torso. He's heading somewhere. But my mind was too occupied by his lips on mine.
The next thing I knew we are in my room. We were drunk with the proximity of each other, fueled by the fact that it's us against the cruel fate vested by the universe on us.
I can feel the heat building. It's as is we're dancing in the dark empty room with music only two of us could hear, my fingers ruffling his hair, his rough hands on my legs, and sinful kisses we share.
My head was cloudy as he lay me on the bed. Skin on sheets. I arched my body as he started to kiss my jaw down my neck.
"Be still, Denise."
His hand slip under my cotton shirt. I scratched the back of his shirt as I felt his warm hands on my sore skin.
I moaned. "Landon..."
This feeling... is too foreign. My head was spinning. My breathing harsh. It's as if I'm trying to reach out something but don't know what.
"Landon..."
I was uncertain of this pleasure... this dangerous wanting. Landon saw my uncertainty. He stopped. Tumayo siya mula sa kama.
"I shouldn't have come here."
Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. Things like this seems so normal for him. But once I felt the dangers of it, I grew scared.
"I'm... sorry."
Naihilamos niya ang palad sa mukha sa aking sinabi.
"Denise, do you know how hard it is for me to keep my sanity whenever you kiss me? What more this..." Tinitigan niya ako habang nakahiga sa kama. I blinked.
"I want you. But it doesn't mean I would risk you. I won't take you if you're scared, or things around us are fucked up. Not this way."
Kinuha niya ang jacket sa sahig na hinubad niya kanina. "I... I have to go."
"Please stay," sinabi ko dahilan upang matigil siya sa ginagawa. "Stay here for tonight."
Tila gusto niyang matawa sa aking sinabi. Napatingala siya sa itaas na tila tinatanong ang langit kung ano ba ang kanyang naging kasalanan upang pahirapan siya nang ganito.
"God, Denise," bulong niya. "You're making me crazy."
"I... I don't want to sleep alone tonight." Even just for tonight.
Landon sighed. Nanatili siya sa kinatatayuan. "Sleep. I'll stay here."
"Here," I said as I gave him space on the bed. "Please."
Tinitigan ako ni Landon. He must have saw the loneliness in my eyes. Lumapit si Landon at muling humiga sa kama. The bed dipped lightly with his weight. I stared at him with a few inches between us. But he pulled me in his arms.
"Come here."
He hugged me close. I could hear the beating of his chest. The pulse on his wrist as he pull me closer to him. I closed my eyes. And somehow... I know I couldn't ask for more, knowing that tomorrow I'll wake up alone in this bed again.
***