If This Is Love: 27 | Commitment Issues
| Laura Renae |
| The Next Morning (July 14th, 2017) |
"Are you all caught up?" Rydel asks, her eyebrows raised. I guess the smile on my face and the small mini dance party I was having on the couch of the venue backstage was a dead giveaway that I was caught up in school.
"Yes yes yes!" I explain, now throwing my arms in the air. "And now my goal is to a little bit everyday so I never, ever, get behind like that again." I tell her, shutting my laptop screen.
"I'm surprised you even finished so early. I thought it would've taken you longer to finish." She tells me. I shrug my shoulder and bite my lip the slightest as she sits down beside me with an unopened bottle of water for me.
"Thanks. And I couldn't sleep last night so while Ross slept I did some stuff." I say, shrugging my shoulders again. She furrows her eyebrows, and I hope she doesn't ask why I couldn't sleep considering that 1, Ross made me a night of relaxation, and 2, I was sleeping in the same bed as him. But, Ross decided to be super weird last night right after I brought up what would happen once this tour is over and the European leg is over with living situations.
"Why?" She asks. I frown and look past her head at the door, seeing it still closed and hearing no movement in the hallway. "Are you gonna tell me why you're being so secretive or am I going to have to throw out some guesses?"
"Well... alright, whatever. So, last night after he gave me a back and neck massage, we just laid down in bed and well," my cheeks got warm a so mumbled out the next word. "cuddled." She rolls her eyes at the fact I'm still embarrassed to admit that. "And I just brought up the question of living arrangements once we get off tour and I'm done filming my movie. And then he... he got all stiff and mumbled that he was hot and completely just, got off me to get away from me. And when I said good night, he didn't reply, but when I said I love you, he mumbled it back." I tell her. Her eyebrows were completely furrowed and just by the silence I could tell she was just as confused as I was.
"Was he acting weird this morning?" She asks.
"That's the thing. Obviously I didn't sleep, so when he woke up the first thing he did was smile and cuddle into my side and told me he loved me. And he stayed like that for almost a half hour before standing up and practically forcing me to shower with him." My cheeks got warm again at my words and a smirk appeared on her face.
"Have you guys had sex yet?" She asks. I squeeze my eyes shut and scrunch up my nose with a head shake.
"No, we haven't had sex yet. Are you kidding me? We're never alone." I tell her. "Don't get off topic." I mumble, crossing my arms across my chest. "I just don't get how he acted all weird and then suddenly acted as if nothing happened."
"I don't know!" She whisper shouts. "It doesn't make any sense." I groan and throw my head back. For a few minutes, the two of us stayed in silence, Well, until Rydel broke it. "So... Ross is a cuddler?" She asks me. My face heats up for the third time.
"Uh, a thousand percent yes, but only when we're alone." I quietly tell her. Because that's true, Ross won't do shit with me in front of people unless it's a joke or he's drunk or high or whatever, like he won't actually come up and give me a million kisses over my face like he does when we're alone or cuddle into me on a couch with people around. Me on the other hand, I try to do those things in front of people and he just leta me for a little, then he sorta just, nudges me away. And no, it doesn't upset me unless I've been having a bad day, but he usually realizes that and we go somewhere private.
"Hm, would've never guessed it." She mumbles. "Has he always been like that?" She asks.
"Pretty much." I whisper. Not even a minute later, Riker and Ross walk through the door and try to lock someone out by pushing on the door and shouting. I glance at Rydel, who just shrugs her shoulders and goes back on her phone. "Alright, I should probably get changed and do my hair and makeup." I mumble, standing up.
"Get me when you're done changing, I'll do my makeup with you." She tells me. I give her a thumbs up and walk over to my small bag that has my outfit laid out beside me. I grab both and escape through the door without Rocky or E slipping in.
"What the hell? They let you out but not us in?" Rocky asks.
"Just wait until I'm done changing." I tell them, walking towards a bathroom. As soon as I slip on the slight iridescent skirt and purple top, I put on more deodorant and slip my leather jacket on, spraying some perfume all over me. Satisfied, I make my way back to where the boys and Rydel were, a bit surprised that no one was left in the hallway. Opening the door, I see all the boys and Rydel circled around a table playing cards with Stormie. Before I could even go sit with them, Gus shows up behind me.
"Hey, Laura. Um, Diamond needs you to come mess around on your keys for a bit while he fixes them. The other crew people are busy." He tells me. I give a small smile at Gus, telling him I'd be out there in a few. I set my bag down by the counter with the mirror and slip on my Uggs before stepping out onto the stage and walking to my keyboard. Diamond made me play half of If This Is Love without any words and then made me play some of Trading Time and finally told me I could go back and finish getting ready. Once I walked back in the room, Ross looked up from his deck of cards and gave me a his cute little smile before looking back down and keeping up the conversation they were having.
"Hey, after we finish this round we can do makeup." Rydel tells me, completely concentrating on her game. I don't reply, I just walk around the table until I am beside Ross and take a peak at his cards.
"Where have you been?" He asks me.
"Diamond needed me to play for a few to fix my keys." I tell him, gently kissing his cheek. "You winning?" I ask him.
"No." He mumbles, putting down an ace of diamonds. I gently ruffle his hair and chuckle as I walk away and go to the counter with the mirror. I decided to at least put on some primer before Rydel got over here, and I could at least get started on straightening my hair. By the time it was straightened, Rydel finally mad sit over by me with a pouty expression.
"Didn't win?" I ask.
"No. Riker did." She mutters. "Stupid ten of spades." I laugh lightly and let her prime her face. "Ross didn't know you never went to bed." She quietly tells me. I narrow my eyes at her through the mirror. "Relax, I just told him that you're all caught up in school and he wanted to know how you did it so quickly, so I told him you never went to bed. He looked pretty guilty, not gonna lie." I simply just shrug at Rydel's words, not really wanting to press the subject in case Ross could hear us or walk over to us at any time. The two of us do our makeup silently, not bothering tot all as we try to not mess up. We were sort of in a rush considering meet n greet took place in about fifteen minutes, so we had to do the best we could and then touch it up afterwards. I helped Rydel out with her wig to make it go quicker while applying some glittery eyeshadow at the same time. Once bothering ere done, Rydel combs her fingers through her wig while I'm spraying setting spray all over my face.
"Hey, Andre and dad are checking people in. They're going to let them in in a few." Riker says, peaking his head through the door. Quickly, I shove on my socks and tie up heeled boots. I readjust my leather jacket and grab Rydel's jacket for her as well. She slams it on and the two of us rush out the doors and to our set up. I immediately take my spot beside Ross and let rydel stand beside me, gently shoving my brother in the process.
Meet n greet will always be my favorite. Seeing how nervous the fans get to see us and how embarrassed they are to ask for poses is legit the cutest thing in the world. Not to mention, they all give the absolute best hugs, and that's saying a lot considering Ross' hugs are something. I couldn't help but let a quite awe escape my mouth as I leans against Ross and watch the shy little girl walks away from her mom and over to us. She couldn't be older than eight.
"Hi, what's your name?" Rydel asks, slightly bending over.
"Isla." She replies, her face turning bright pink. "You're Brady." She immediately says, looking at Ross. Ross chuckles before nodding his head.
"Yeah, I am. But people usually call me Ross." She gives him a shy smile and I couldn't help my heart melting at the beautiful sight. Isla walks right for Ross and wraps her arms around his waist, giving him a hug. "Don't be shy." He tells her, gently smoothing her to the side so we could see her face in the camera. She stood between Rocky and him, a shy smile still on her face. For all three poses, little Isla kept her arms around us while the rest of us did other poses, consisting of Rydellington and I being in a group hug while Riker and Rocky hugged, then Ellington walking close to the picture and kind of blocking Rydel's out of the way while we laughed. Isla left right after, saying bye to Brady, and I couldn't help but grab Ross' hand and tug on his arm a little.
"That was literally the cutest thing I have ever seen." I say, looking up at his face. He briefly looks at me, giving me a smile. "I'm not even kidding, you're so sweet with kids and you're so freaking cute with them, you're just... it only makes me love you more knowing how sweet you are towards them. Just imagine it being your kid one day." Ross' entire body stiffens and he lets out a slightly forced laugh, slowly taking his other hand and pulling my hands off of him.
"Yeah." He says, dropping my hands. I furrow my eyebrows, a little confused on what just happened. "Hey, maybe you should stand in between Riker and Rocky, maybe to make it seam like we aren't like, too comfortable around each other, you know? I know you don't want us getting out, so it's just a suggestion." He tells me, shrugging his shoulders. I see Rydellington beside me hug the newest fan that rounded the corner and I couldn't help but feel completely confused.
"Um, yeah sure. I guess that makes sense." I mumble, walking towards Riker and Rocky. I try not to think much of it as we finish meet n greet, which wasn't too terribly hard considering they always bring smiles on my face, but on the back of my mind I kept replaying what just happened over and over again in my head.
When meet n greet finished, Ross didn't say a word to me as we all walked back to the main part of the dressing room. Not even when we all decided to head out a few blocks over for a quick bite to eat before the show. Not to mention, he didn't choose the open seat beside me, but the one on the complete end of the table where I couldn't even see him because Rocky and Mark's heads were in the way. He didn't talk to me throughout the entire meal, not even on the way back to the venue, and he didn't even ask me to put glitter on him. So, I focus on myself and put glitter on like I do with contour on my cheeks and a tiny v shape on my neck, trying to not let it bother me that Ross is being completely distant and closed off.
"Come on come on, huddle up!" Rydel shouts, shoving one in-ear in. I do the same and listen as they ramble off things they want to happen tonight during the show. We did our usual small cheer, and to say I was surprised when Ross quickly pecked my lips before heading stage was an understatement. I walked out on stage with a more than confused face as the lights did a dance around us.
Throughout the show, Ross didn't make eye contact with me once, even when he gave me his usual I'm sorry and I love you little speech right after I sang If This Is Love. I had a feeling that he'd go back to normal once the show finished considering it always happens like that. If we get in a small disagreement on tour, we always end up perfectly fine after the show. But as I watched him walk away towards the showers without even telling me that I did good, I knew that I either fucked something up or he's just being s complete stubborn ass.
"You okay?" Rydel asks, tearing her wig off.
"Ye-Yeah." I reply, grabbing a makeup remover wipe. She didn't press me any further, and I was thankful for that because my mind was a jumbled mess and I honestly couldn't think straight. After I took off my makeup, I opted to not wash my hair so I'd just rinse off in the bus shower like Rydel was going to do. I quickly changed into some jeans and a sweatshirt so I could head to the bus with Rydel and a freshly cleaned Ellington. We did our usual, staying after and taking pictures with the fans that waited around by the bus after every show.
I chose to rinse off before Rydel and once I was done, I wasted no time changing into my cotton Nike shorts and one my old dance t-shirts that I got a few sizes too big for me. Ross didn't give me his shirt as an option, so I had to do what I could. Like always the boys are playing NHL hockey, Ryland, Riker and Rocky in back with only Riker and Rocky playing and Ross and E in front playing on the couch.
"Hey, I'm turning in." I tell them, reaching for my toothbrush.
"I'm right behind you, sweetie." Stormie says. I felt the disappointment settle in when Ross didn't say anything. Either he's too engrossed in his game or he simply doesn't care. I brush my teeth for a well over a minute and rinse, quickly washing my face as well and moisturizing it. Once all of it was done, I grab my laptop and crawl into my bunk, keeping my glasses on as I close the curtain and start up Netflix. For the umpteenth time, I was rewatching Friends. The show never failed to put a smile on my face and right now, I could really use it. I had the feeling I couldn't get any sleep tonight.
I had proven my no sleep statement right when I heard the last person to close their bunk curtain and still no sign from Ross besides his wimpy I love you text ten minutes ago. Of course, I replied back with an I love you, keeping it vague just like his. But as the clock got closer and closer to four in the morning and I was onto a new season of Friends, I buffed out a breath and tested Ross.
To Big Bean😋💛:
Are you awake?
I paused Friends the second I sent it, waiting for Ross' phone to ding. Once it did, I heard someone move around in his general direction and I just prayed it was him. Once I saw the three dots popped up, I could breathe again.
From Big Bean😋💛:
Yeah
That's it? That's all I get?
To Big Bean😋💛:
What's your deal?
From Big Bean😋💛:
What do u mean
To Big Bean😋💛:
You've been so effing distant since meet n greet. And
the shit you pulled with "suggesting" I stand in between
Rocky and Riker? What the hell was that, Ross
From Big Bean😋💛:
Me simply trying 2 not "expose" our relationship
To Big Bean😋💛:
We've literally stood next to each other at every meet
n greet for the past six years, Ross. If anything, me not
standing next to you gives a bigger hint
From Big Bean😋💛:
Well, oh well. Can't do much abt it now
To Big Bean😋💛:
You're pissing me off.
From Big Bean😋💛:
Y? How?
To Big Bean😋💛:
You've been an asshole. All. Fucking. Night.
From Big Bean😋💛:
No I haven't
To Big Bean😋💛:
You've been avoiding me! You haven't made eye contact
with me since before meet n greet! You haven't even said
a single word to be since you told me to go stand next to
your brothers! You're an ass, Ross. An ass.
From Big Bean😋💛:
Oh come on, ur being paranoid
To Big Bean😋💛:
Go to bed, Ross. You clearly aren't interested in talking to me
From Big Bean😋💛:
Night
I don't reply, I just lock up my phone and throw it towards the end of my bunk, letting my knees come up to my chest and my eyes well up with tears. Why is he being such an asshole? I didn't even know what the heck I did to deserve the cold shoulder from him. Sniffling, I wipe my nose and let the first tear fall. I see my phone screen light up with a ding, and then another ding and another. Sniffling again, I reach for my phone and open up three new texts from Ross.
From Big Bean😋💛:
Shit ur crying
From Big Bean😋💛:
Fuck I rlly am an asshole
From Big Bean😋💛:
Meet me in back? Please?
As soon as I finished reading his texts, I hear him jump down from his bunk and footsteps walk past my bunk. Pushing the covers off me, I shimmy my way out of my bunk and navigate through the darkness into the back lounge of the bus, Ross already clearing a spot for us to sit. I don't say a word as I take a seat, silently watching him move some things around to sit beside me. Sniffling again, I bring my knees to my chest, waiting for him to speak. I'm not the one who caused this, therefore he should be the first to speak up.
"I'm sorry." He whispers, looking down. "I didn't mean to be an asshole or make you cry." I don't say anything. "Bean, I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't make me feel any better, Ross." I whisper. "You gave me the cold shoulder last night, the one time I could actually sleep with you and really sleep, you push me away. And I know Rydel told you I stayed up all night." I tell him. "And what the heck happened today? Everything was fine this morning." Ross sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, I sigh back and rest my chin on my knees.
"You just... you kept talking about the future, Laura. I'm young. We're young. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know who I want to live with, whether with you alone or my brothers or even my parents. And I know we talked about the future a little while ago and I don't know, now that we're together and this is actually happening, it's real, talking about the future just freaks me the fuck out." I slightly furrow my eyes, not really understanding all this.
"Okay..." I mumble. "Then why didn't you just tell em that last night." I mumble.
"Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. You've just been so stressed out and I didn't want to stress you out even more by telling you that I'm feeling like I may have slight commitment issues. Which is honestly weird because I have dreamt of us being together for so long." He mumbles.
"You don't need to protect me from stress all the time, Ross. I'm twenty-one, not eight. And I would've understood why. But that doesn't mean you should give me the cold shoulder and avoid me at all costs. I've felt like absolutely shit all day and I've never been this confused in my life." Ross' head droops down and he looks at his lap. "I haven't slept in well over twenty-four hours and I performed like absolute crap. You made me feel like crap. "
"I know, and I know saying sorry won't do anything and I know I messed up, but I..." He quiets down. "I know you're old enough to not need to be protected, but you're my girl and it's the best friend and boyfriend instinct to protect you. And before you say anything, yes, I know I can come to you for anything and tell you whatever is on my mind, but it was all me that felt that way, not you."
"But I would've understood." I whisper. Again, I sniffle and take the bottom of my shirt to wipe my nose. "Do you want to break up? Take a break?" I ask quietly.
"What?" He asks, almost like he didn't hear me. "Can you repeat that, please?" He scoots a little closer, one of his hands going on my kneecap. As my eyes well up with tears, I take a deep breath and look down.
"Do you want to break up or take a break?" I repeat, feeling my entire heart break at my words.
"You think I want to break up with you?" He asks, his entire face softening. "Bean, are you for real right now?" Sniffling, I shrug my shoulders and look in his eyes, seeing nothing but hurt.
"You said you had commitment issues. I don't want to be in a relationship knowing it won't go anywhere." I quietly tell him. "And if that's how you feel... then what are we doing?" I ask him.
"Bean, I see us going somewhere, just not for awhile. I want to be with you, romantically and just as a friend, I just don't want you thinking I'm going to propose in a year or two. I might want more time than that." He tells me. "I don't want to break up with you. Hell, I never want to break up with you. It's just a personal issue I need to get over."
"So we're not breaking up?" I ask, just to clarify.
"No, we're not breaking up." He tells me, a hint of a smile on his face. Does he think this is funny? He chuckles the slightest, most likely because of my face, but nonetheless I shove his chest away from me and let out a groan. Ross, not expecting it, falls backwards in the seat and bangs his head on the window, breathing out an ouch and immediately rubbing the back of his head.
"I hate you!" I whisper shout. "And I don't even feel sorry for you hitting your head. You deserve it for the shit you put me through last night and today." I tell him, crossing my arms in front of my chest. Ross leans forward, his chest pressing up against my legs since my knees were still up, and wraps his arms around my body with his signature puppy dog eyes.
"I love you." He whispers.
"Telling me you love me won't make things better." I tell him. "Or saying you're sorry." I add. He rests his chin on my knees, now with a pouty face.
"What about a kiss?" He asks.
"I'd rather sleep." I whisper. "But a little kiss might help." I add, giving him a small smile. Ross lifts his head off my knees and gently presses his lip against mind. Melting into him, I gently cup the sides of his face and let his lips pull away the slightest to meet mine at a different angle. For just a minute or two, we kept kissing each other softly without any tongue involved, although he did take my bottom lip in between his teeth twice, but I'm not complaining because that is my weakness.
• holy moly this was a looooooong chapter. hope you all enjoyed it even if there was a bit of fighting going on. don't forget to vote, comment something sweet, and follow me!
-rydelly_belly💜