Elsa looked almost scared when I told her that I smoked weed. It couldn't have been that much of a shock, could it? The only thing that made it wrong is that I'm a minor. The stuff won't hurt you as long as you're responsible with it.
I mean, I'm not really a responsible person, but...
That stuff was nothing compared to the other drugs I've visited before.
What's important was that she felt safe. I don't want to scare her off, not when I'd only just now got her. And just because I smoke doesn't mean she has to.
Okay, it's fine, Jack, I say to myself, Just try not to scare her anymore, okay? Take it easy.
"It's so strange," remarks Elsa as she eats her breakfast ramen, "not already knowing what I have to do today. I can just choose."
"That's called freedom, Princess." I say, putting out my cigarette and flicking it into the trash. "What do you want to do today?"
Elsa thinks for a moment, then says, "I think we should lie low."
"Really? Your first day as a free woman and you wanna lie low?" Hiccup calls from the living room couch, "Lame!"
"I mean it! Your mom is probably going to be calling you all day when she finds out what happened yesterday. I mean, she sent you to live with us to make you better. She's going to be really upset about all this." Elsa says with a shake of her head.
I scoffed. Who said I needed to be better? I am myself, and no one is going to change that, especially my mother. The woman thinks she knows everything.
"I don't care." I shrug.
"Maybe you should."
I stop and stare at Elsa. "I thought you didn't mind any of this. You don't think I'm a bad, like they do. That's what you said."
"I don't think you're bad." Elsa says, "But... Jack, your mother is your mother. She loves you. I think you should have some respect towards her. And I don't think using marijuana underage is you 'being yourself,' either."
I stubbornly look away from her, crossing my arms over my chest. She's probably right, but I can't just go home to my mother and be all sappy and say how sorry I am when I'm not. I'm not sorry.
"I'm not going back to my mom." I say.
"I never meant that." Elsa looks alarmed. "I just think you need to be more careful. You can still drive around and be wild and go to the Nightly Double without treating her bad, you know? And you can be happy without drugs."
"Not really."
"They could stop you from seeing Emma."
That hit a nerve, I'm not gonna lie. But it doesn't make me angry. It just honestly makes me kind of sad, because Elsa is right. She's right. Maybe after dad died, I went a little crazy. Maybe I started trying to make myself fake happiness with... Other things.
Maybe I want to take it back, not all of it, just a little, but I'm in too deep now to make any changes.
"They won't do that." I shrug it off, even though I'm worried. "Mom knows Emma is the only thing that keeps me flying off the earth, so I'm good."
My phone starts to ring. It's mom.
Elsa smiles encouragingly at me to take the call. I give quick nod and head to the bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me.
"What?" I say as soon as I answer.
"No."
"What?"
"I'm done." Mom's voice is like iron. "I've tried everything. I've sent you to therapists. I've made you go to support groups for people going through loss. I've tried to talk to you myself. I've done everything, and you won't change."
"Because I don't need to. I am the way I am. I'm happy."
"You're not. You say you are but I know that you're miserable. You're miserable, Jack!" Mom says, "But you won't do anything about it, and it's hurting people."
"Like who?" I scoff.
"Emma."
My breath caught in my chest.
"Emma?" I say.
"She's been bawling since last night. She wanted you to get better, Jack. She wanted it so bad."
"I can't get better, I'm not- You say it like I'm sick or something!"
"YOU ARE SICK!" Mom shrieked, nearly blowing out my eardrum. "Emma can see these things! She's already a grown-up in so many ways, and she knows what her brother is and what he isn't. The way you're acting is not the way she wants you to be!"
"What does she want me to be, then?"
"She wants you to love her."
"I do love her!"
"YOU DON'T LOVE HER ENOUGH TO COME HOME!"
"YOU TOLD ME I COULDN'T UNLESS I STAYED WITH AGNARR!"
"AND LOOK WHERE YOU ARE!"
"HE DESTROYED DAD'S JACKET!"
Mom got really quiet, and I waited for her to respond, my chest heaving. At this point I was confused and angry. I wasn't hurting Emma. There was no way I was hurting Emma, no way I had made her cry.
"Good." Mom said.
"What?" I asked, horrified.
"I'm glad he destroyed it."
"How could you say that?" I demanded. "He loved you."
"I know he did. That's why I moved on. That's why I worked so hard to become happy, even after he died. Your dad wanted the best for us." Mom said, "He wanted the best for you."
"Then why did he die?"
"So you could live."
I could feel my hand shaking as I tried to remember what had happened. All these years later, and I still couldn't remember.
"Can you tell me?" I asked. "What happened, I mean."
Mom took a deep breath. "You have to promise to stay calm."
"I'll try."
"Do you remember the car accident?"
"I remember he was helping me to study for my driver's test. He let me drive home from the parking lot." I felt my throat tighten. "I remember headlights coming right at us, and then pain in the side of my chest."
"Witnesses said that a semi got a little too close to the car. The driver panicked and drove right into the side of it." Mom said, "A piece of metal went directly through your chest, and took out almost your entire heart. You died. The medics had to revive you. And you wouldn't have made it at all if your father hadn't-"
My voice cracked. "Oh, God."
"Do you remember?"
I did.
***
Short, i know, i sorry. but get excited cause i'm going to update again pretty soon :b
also sorry for any typos, im revising later when i finish the whole book