Okay Zaytrina shippers, this one's for you.
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Chapter 68
(Zayn's POV)
I was laying face down in bed, still trying to think about what happened this morning. I tried to apologize to her, but she didn't accept it. But I wouldn't blame her, who wants to love a broken man like me?
Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by my phone vibrating on my table. I sighed, reached over and grabbing it. I turned to see that caller I.D., and my heart stopped.
A picture of Kat laughing appeared under the name, she was so beautiful. Without a second guess, I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I said into the phone.
"Zayn!" Kat squeaked, her voice high and perky. "What is London's number one heartbreaker doing?"
I furrowed my eyebrows, "Kat, where are you? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she slurred. "My life is going perfect ever since you left. You know, besides the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror without puking."
She was drunk.
I heard loud music in the background, telling me she was most likely at a bar. "Kat, where are you? Don't drive home drunk, I'm coming."
"Don't bother," she spoke. "I'm already going home with someone. I just wanted to let you know."
Even when she was drunk, she couldn't tell a lie. I grabbed my coat, not bothering to check my horrible face in the mirror as I slipped on my shoes and stormed out of my apartment. I walked towards my car, the phone still at my ear.
"Kat, are you okay?" I asked into the phone.
"Fuck you," she giggled, not answering my question. "You are the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me, you bastard. I need you but I can't have you. I love you but I hate you. There is something about you that is so irresistible, but also something about you that makes me wonder why you aren't a drug. You sir, are so addicting, yet so deadly."
It took me a minute to comprehend everything that she just told me, but I couldnt disagree. I was so bad for her, but I gave her all of me. Everything that I had in me, was in her. She had not only become a part of my life, but she was now a part of me.
I started the car, hearing her soft breaths in the phone. "Can you tell me where you are, Kat?"
She laughed, "the same place where you broke my heart, douche."
She was at the same bar that I had kissed Carlee at, and I dreaded going to that place after everything that happened there. But if it were for Kat, I would've done anything.
"You know," she spoke, a glass clicking in the background. "I don't even understand why you loved me. I'm nothing special. You deserve someone like Carlee, not me. I'm just a torn up girl looking for someone to love. I just happened to stumble upon you, and come on, how could I resist the tattoos?" She giggled into the phone, but I knew she was holding back tears.
"Goodness, what have I gotten myself into?" She thought aloud.
I sped past the yellow light, my heart racing as I tried to make it to the bar before anything bad happened. I knew for a fact that she wouldn't have called me if she wasn't drunk. And for the first time in a long long time, I was thankful for alcohol.
"Look, there's a cute boy I can dance with," she said into the phone, "I'm going to have fun! Bye Zayn."
Before I could reject, she hung up. This, of course, made my blood boil. The sights of another guy touching Kat made me furious. I drove fast, not caring weather or not I broke the speed limit. Finally, I arrived at the bar.
I parked sloppily and stumbled out of the car, running at the speed of lightning into the bar. Once inside, I looked around desperately, trying to find her. I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself as I searched.
That's when I noticed her, and she was actually dancing with another guy.The boy had his arms wrapped around her waist, and her back was pressed to him. She wasn't dancing in a way that would make her look like she enjoyed the guy's presence, instead she was just dancing. But still, almost every guy in that club had his eyes on her, making me want to punch their eyeballs out of their eyes and shove it up their asses. The thing that made me mad was the fact that he had his lips on her neck, and I had a feeling that he wasn't going to stop there. Blood quickened through my veins as I shoved everyone in my way, trying to get to her.
Once I got to them, I took Kat's arm and pulled her to the side. She stumbled, losing her balance because of the alcohol she had just consumed. The guy took notice and looked at me, his expression hard.
"What the hell man!? Give me back my girl!" He shouted.
I didn't think much before I threw a punch at his face, making him fall backwards. But before he could've completely fell, I grabbed him by his shirt and tightened my jaw.
"Don't you dare ever touch her again. Or call her your girl." I growled in his face.
He realized that he shouldn't reply, so he pushed me away and walked backwards, taking his bloody nose with him.
Then I turned around to meet a furious Kat. She squinted at me and yelled, "what the hell was that for?! You can't just come in beat up a guy for dancing with me! I'm not yours anymore Zayn!"
I couldn't take it. I leaned in and pressed my lips against hers hungrily, trying to make my point. Eyes were still on us, and I wanted to show them that Kat was mine. Besides that, I also wanted to find out if she still needed me like I needed her. I knew that she wouldn't kiss me if she was sober, so the only way of finding out is when she's drunk.
I brought my hand to the back of her neck, pulling her closer. Her hands made their way to my chest, and I was ninety percent certain that she was going to push me back. Instead, she grabbed a fistful of my shirt, pulling me against her. I used my hand to tilt her head back and slide my tongue into her mouth. She didn't resist, instead she let out a soft moan.
She still needed me. She still wanted me. She still loved me.
But she was drunk, and I wouldn't ever take advantage of that. I pulled away slowly, my heart fluttering inside my chest. She looked up at me, still furious, but I couldn't adore her any less.
"Fuck you, Zayn!" She shouted. "Gahhh! I don't know what to do with you!"
I smiled, taking her hand in mine. "You still love me."
"Of course I do, bastard! God. I hate you." She screamed, still making a scene.
It was clear that she was upset with me. It was clear that none of this was fixed because by tomorrow morning, she would wake up with a hangover and forget all about this. But at least I was assured that she needed me as much as I needed her.
"Shit," she murmured to herself, grabbing her stomach. I realized that she wasn't feeling so well. Maybe she had too much to drink.
"You okay?" I asked.
She looked up at me, her eyes soft. "Zayn, I feel sick."
Immediately, I became worried. I took her in my arms, holding her as I walked out of the bar quickly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and giggled as I held her, placing a small kiss on the corner of my lips. Despite the fact that she reeked of alcohol, she was just as beautiful as always. I took her to my car, setting her inside the passenger seat and fastening her seatbelt for her. I sat down in the drivers seat and looked over at her smiling face. She looked green, and I realized that she would be throwing up any second.
I started the car and hurried, driving past any yellow lights I could break. The streets were empty, considering the fact that it was three am. I tried my best not to be distracted as I felt her hand trace my jawline, but it took my everything not to lean in and attack her with kisses.
After what felt like eternity, we reached my apartment. She looked totally green by now, and I knew that it was only a matter of seconds before she threw up. I got out of the car and ran over to her side. I picked her up out of the car and ran to my flat, not caring to lock my car. I hurriedly fidgeted with my keys before finally going inside. I shut the door behind me and raced to the bathroom and put her down. She didn't waste a moment as she stumbled to the toilet and threw up inside.
My stomach churned as I raced to the drawer under the sink. She filled up this drawer with things she would need if she spent the night at my house. Hairbrush, toothbrush, ponytail holders, toothpaste, and a bunch of other things girls needed. I took out a hair band and walked over to her her. I gathered her hair into my hands and tied it with the holder. I'd seen her do this much times before, so I think I had the hang of this. Plus, I did have three sisters of my own.
"Kat," I whispered in her ear, wrapping my arm around her waist, "I'm right here. It's okay. I'm right here sweetheart."
She threw up into the toilet, emptying out all the things she had drank. I held her close, reassuring her that I was here.
After a couple of more minutes of misery, she stopped. She took deep breaths, shutting her eyes. I kissed her cheek, reminding her that I hadn't left. She walked past me to the sink, taking out her toothbrush from the drawer. I leaned against the wall as she brushed her teeth.
After she finished, she turned to me, leaning against the counter. "I'm probably going to spend the night in this bathroom," she giggled. "I drank much more than what I just puked out."
I walked towards her, standing so close that I could feel her heavy breathing against my neck. "Then I'm staying in here with you."
She brought her hands up to my face as she traced my lips with her finger softly. "You're so pretty Zayn," she giggled again. She was still drunk, and I had recognized the phase she had gotten into.
Whenever she drank a lot, she went into four phases. First, the "intimidating phase". She tried her hardest to menace me, but it never worked. Of course, a few times, I let her believe that, because she was incredibly adorable when she was being intimidating. The second phase was the "turn on phase". Basically, in this phase, she tried to turn me on. And let me just say that it worked every time. She didn't even have to go into the phase to turn me on. Third was the "adorable phase". She was almost done with being drunk and she started to be very sweet and caring. Everything that I hated about myself, she would tell me that she loved. She gave me kisses and snuggled with me, telling me that she loved me every time. Last and definetly the least, was the "tired phase". She wasn't the easiest person to talk to in this phase. All she wanted to do was sleep and cuddle, nothing else. No talking, no kissing.
This time, of course, I missed the first two phases, and I wanted to kill the person who saw them. But for now, I had to settle on the adorable phase. My favorite of all phases.
But of course, she was drunk. And mad at me. If I took advantage of her, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I wasn't going to do anything to her that her sober self wouldn't do.
Which is basically everything.
If she was sober, she wouldn't even allow me to stand in front of her. But I couldn't leave her at her druken state. And technically, she was in my house. So she couldn't go anywhere unless I dropped her off. Which I knew I probably should do considering the fact that she would be furious in the morning.
"Kat, are you tired?" I asked, hoping the phase was coming to an an end because I wouldn't be able to control myself around her.
She shook her head no, "why would I be tired? I usually don't sleep anymore anyways, I'll stay up all night if you want me to."
My heart sunk. "What do you mean you haven't been sleeping?"
She shrugged, seating herself on the counter. I helped her on and she pulled me towards her, pressing her forehead against mine. "I love you," she whispered.
"Why haven't you been sleeping?" I asked again, knowing that she was purposely trying to change the subject. Even though she was drunk, she was still clever.
"Because I just can't," she smiled at me. "Ever since that night, I've been feeling really alone. And I just can't sleep alone. Not after I know that you're out there."
Any other person would be totally confused by her words. But what she said now not only made sense to me, it also described the situation I was in right now.
She leaned in, pressing her lips to mine. I kissed back, of course, because it was like a reflex by now. I placed my hands on either side of her waist, pulling her on the edge of the counter as I pressed myself against her. She giggled in the kiss, her druken self not taking it as seriously as I was. But I didn't mind, I continued to kiss her, because I needed her so much. I craved her so much.
Once we pulled back, she bit her lip and examined me. "You are my favorite person in the entire world," she smiled her sweet smile that I loved so much.
"How have you been Kat?" I asked, genuinely hoping to get some information out of her.
She shrugged, "fine."
She lied. Again.
"Kat," I spoke again, my voice stern.
Her face turned green, and I knew it wasn't because of my tone. She hopped off the counter and ran to the toilet. She threw up in it again, making me feel horrible for using that tone with her. I ran back to her side, reassuring her once again.
After she finished, she repeated the same routine of brushing her teeth and hopping on top of the counter. She smiled at me, as if nothing was wrong.
"I guess we're going to be spending the night in here," I said.
She nodded, "you don't have to."
I smiled at her before walking outside the bathroom. Once outside, I gathered pillows and blankets for us to sleep on. I took out a pair of boxers and a T-shirt for Kat to wear, because I knew she hated sleeping in jeans. When I walked back inside, she was sitting on the counter where I had left her, looking down at her feet as they dangled beneath her.
I put the pillow and blankets on the floor, walking over to her afterwards. I handed her the shirt and boxers, but she just stared at them.
"What?" I asked her.
She looked up at me, "aren't you going to help me change?"
My stomach sank. Of course I wanted to help her, but I knew that if she were sober, she wouldn't have asked me.
"Baby, I wan-"
"Please?" She begged, her eyes pleading me.
I sighed, defeated. Sure, she would kill me for this when she was sober, but I couldn't say no to her now. I just couldn't.
"Okay, arms up." I directed her.
She grinned and did as she was told. I grabbed the hem of her sweater and pulled it up and over her head, throwing it to the side. Once I saw what her sleeves were hiding, my heart broke into so many pieces.
I took her arms into mine, examining the multiple scars that buried her skin. I couldn't help it as tears formed on the corner of my eyes. She did this because of me. She cut herself. She hurt herself. I couldn't save her.
"What are you looking at?" She asked, oblivious to the fact that I was staring at her scars. I ran my finger over them, feeling so much pain myself.
"Why did you do this Kat?" I asked, holding back tears.
She looked down at my fingers and shrugged, "I was really sad."
I looked up at her and couldn't help myself as tears rolled down my cheeks. She took notice and grew wide eyed, wondering why I was crying. But she didn't say anything, instead she wrapped her cut arms around me and pulled me against her. I dropped my head on her chest and cried, not believing what I just saw. She held me tight, placing kisses on my shoulder to help calm me down.
"Shhh, Zayn. Don't cry. Please. Don't cry. I'm right here. I love you. Look, I'm right here," she reassured me.
I shut my eyes and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her so close against me that I was afraid I was going to break her fragile body. She ran her hand over my hair, whispering in my ear. But I couldn't stop myself from crying.
All because of me, she had scars on her arms. All because of me, she was very sad lately. All because of me, she was a broken girl.
"I love you, Kat. I love you. I love you baby, please don't do this again. Don't be sad, please. I love you." I choked out between sobs.
She dug her face into my neck and planted kisses on my skin, reassuring me that she was there. Her chest was pressed to mine, her body fragile and thin. I can't forgive myself after this. Never in a million years.
"Shhh, Zayn, baby. Don't cry. I love you."
I pulled away from her almost immediately, startling her. She looked at me, confused on what I was going to do next. But I didn't give her time to react as I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers desperately.
She parted her lips, allowing me to move my tongue into her mouth. She wrapped her legs around my waist, bringing me against the counter. Her hands made their way to my neck, her thumbs caressing my jaw lightly. I kissed her hard, wanting nothing more than for her to let me know that she really did love me. I wanted to ask her why she did that to herself, but I couldn't. I was too afraid to know the answer. Right now, I just needed her.
I rested my hands on her bare back, remembering that this was drunk Kat. But she didn't care. Drunk or sober, I knew she loved me.
We pulled apart slowly, tears still in my eyes. She smiled at me, "you're the best kisser ever."
My mind was still spinning, but I said, "Kat, please don't hurt yourself again."
She crossed her arms over her chest, "why? I like it."
I took a deep breath and shook my head. "If you love me, you won't hurt yourself again. Please don't. Please."
She smiled at me, "okay. I won't."
Even after she said that, I knew that this was drunk her speaking. Tomorrow morning she would forget all about this and hurt herself again. I hated that.
"Zayn?"
"Yes baby?"
"I'm feeling a but cold, can you put that shirt on me now?" She smiled, asking politely.
I unfolded the shirt and brought it over her head, sliding it on her tiny body. She had lost so much weight. And I knew who it was because of.
She hopped off the counter and slid off her pants. I saw more scars covering her legs, and a small sob escaped my parted lips. She didn't notice, instead she took my boxers and slid them on, having to tighten them a lot.
Then she took my hand, walking over to the pillows and stuff I had set up on the floor. She sat down first, noticing that I was still standing. She told me to sit down, and I listened, because it was the least I could do for her.
Once I sat down, she climbed into my lap. She faced me, her arms wrapped around my neck as she smiled.
"I missed you," she giggled, a small yawn escaping her lips.
I kept my eyes on her, not saying a word. She had went through so much alone, and I wasn't there for her. I don't deserve her. At all.
"Why aren't you saying anything?" She asked, scooting closer to me.
I shut my eyes, unable to look at her any longer. She was too good for me. All her scars were because of me. I would give anything to have them on my body and not hers.
"Zayn?" She giggled. "Are we playing a game?"
Tears fell down my cheeks, and I had a feeling that she suddenly realized that this wasn't a game. I felt her delicate fingers wiping away the falling tears, making my heart flutter at her touch. I felt her breath against mine, my eyes trying their hardest to stay shut.
She sighed, "do you not want to look at me? I'm sorry. I'll go put on my sweater again."
My eyes immediately flung open and I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. She was startled, but I didn't care. She thought that I shut my eyes because of her appearance, but she took it the wrong way.
"You're beautiful Kat. Please don't think otherwise. Okay?" I rested my hand on her cheek to try to reassure her.
"Then why did you shut your eyes?" She asked.
I sighed, "because I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to see you smile after I caused you this much pain. I don't deserve to see your eyes light up after so many tears. I don't deserve to even see you cry, because no matter what, you're beautiful. I don't deserve it."
Tears were falling down my cheeks and she frowned. She leaned forward and kissed my tears away, making my heart flutter in response. She was so lovely. I didn't deserve anything about her.
"Please stop crying Zayn. I hate it when you cry."
This of course, made me stop. I braced myself, trying to hold myself together. If she didn't want to see me cry, I wouldn't. I would do anything for her.
She noticed that I had stopped and smiled at me. She leaned forward and rested her head on my chest. I took a breath and shut my eyes, resting my chin on the top of her head. I brought my arms around her, pulling her closer to me. She happily accepted my gesture, pressing herself against me.
"I love you," she whispered.
Tears fell down my cheeks but I made sure she didn't realize. "I love you too."
She yawned, then placed a kiss on my chest. With her against me like that, it made it hard to fully exhale. But for the first time in a while, I could finally breathe.
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