Hailey's POV
I knocked lightly as I gently opened the door to Gram's room, finding her reading one of her trashy magazines from her chair by the window, her face lighting up when she saw me.
"Sunshine." She beamed as I made my way towards her, leaning down and hugging her hello.
"Hey, Gram." I smiled as I sat down in the chair next to her. "How we doing today?"
"You tell me." She said, looking at me questioningly, the same way she had been for the past two weeks.
"I'm alright, Gram." I sighed. "Things are good."
"You've always been a horrible liar, Hailey." She scoffed. "You've been coming in here every day since he left looking like a zombie. Just call him."
"Gram, we've talked about this. Please just let me fix this my own way." I sighed. "I don't come here to fight with you every day."
"We wouldn't have to fight if you weren't so damn stubborn." She scolded me.
"And where do you think I get it from?" I said, a small smirk playing on my lips.
She rolled her eyes at me, waving her hand as if brushing me off as a small laugh escaped my lips.
"Anyways, that's not why I came today. I have some news." I said, nervously playing with the sleeve of my sweater as she watched me carefully.
"You realized you're being a pain in the ass and decided to call Harry?" She asked.
"Gram! Stop." I scolded her. "This isn't about Harry."
"He calls me you know, he checks in on me. And he always asks about you." She told me for the hundredth time.
"Can you just let me tell you my news, please? Stop being difficult." I sighed.
She just pursed her lips and looked at me, letting me know she wouldn't interrupt me again to remind me how bad I'd screwed things up with Harry. I was well aware that she thought I'd made the stupidest mistake of my life, and I just needed to tell her what I'd gone there to tell her. I was so nervous about the entire thing that it took me a few seconds and a few deep breaths before I could get the words out.
"I wanted to tell you...that I decided to take one of those positions offered to me, so I'll be leaving for a while." I told her, watching her eyes get wide and the smile spread across her face.
"You did?" She grinned, looking for clarification.
"Yes, I did." I sighed. "I just sent in the paperwork, I didn't wanna tell you until I was sure I couldn't change my mind. I leave in two weeks, I'll be back in the new year."
"Where are you going?" She asked excitedly, and for the first time I felt my nervousness shift into a small bit of excitement.
"I'll be doing some stuff in the Amazon rainforest for the first half, and then ocean preservation in the second half. I'll be in Peru, and then off the coast of Belize."
"Sunshine, that is so exciting! You are gonna have so much fun, I am so happy you finally decided to get out there. I am so, so proud of you." She beamed, tears pooling in her eyes as she cupped my face in her hands.
"Thanks, Gram." I said. "I'm really nervous to leave for so long, I'm gonna miss you so much."
"Oh, stop it. Don't you worry about me, or your brother, or anybody else. You get out there and save the planet, we'll be fine." She promised.
"I just don't know how often I'll be able to check in. They said there was no service in any of the locations I'll be working in, and I might only be able to call or have internet in certain spots. I don't know how long I'll go without being able to contact you guys, I don't want something to happen while I'm gone and not find out for a month."
"Stop being such a worry wart. This is exciting, honey. Be happy for yourself, don't ruin it by feeling guilty." She instructed.
I did feel a bit better after telling her I'd decided to go through with it, easing some of the guilt I felt when I saw how happy I'd made her. I'd specifically asked about my access to phone and internet because I knew I'd want to send her pictures and be able to share the experience with her as it happened, but they said they couldn't guarantee what kind of connection I would have. It was strange to me that I worried about it, since I'd never been someone so connected to my phone or the internet, but I'd always been connected to my family and being that far away I would need to rely on those things to stay that way.
"Have you told your brother?" She asked. "He's gonna be so happy for you."
"I was gonna stop by there on my way home." I sighed, hating the idea of how much time I would miss with the kids. I'd be gone for Soph's first Christmas, and I knew she'd be crawling, if not walking, by the time I got back.
"Stop that. The kids will be fine without you for a few months." Gram scoffed, knowing me so well it was almost annoying.
"I'm gonna miss Soph's first Christmas." I sighed.
"Yes, but one day you will be able to show her all your amazing photos and tell her all of your stories, and she'll be proud that she has an Auntie that cares so much about the environment." She smiled. "You need this, Hailey. You need to do this for yourself."
"Well, I don't have a choice anymore." I laughed nervously. "It's kind of a done deal."
We talked for a few more minutes as I told her everything I knew about the projects, and she asked me to help her order some books on Peru and Belize so she could read up about the places I was visiting. I hadn't seen her so animated in years, and it warmed my heart to see that she was so excited by it.
I helped her into bed for her afternoon nap and promised her I'd be back to see her in the morning, before I headed over to Ryan and Kelsey's to tell them I'd finally made it official. Sam and Finn already knew since I'd been over at their place the night before, practically having a panic attack over the fact that I was really gonna do it, and they'd had to talk me off the ledge.
I parked my car in the driveway and headed into the house to find Soph laying on the floor in the living room while Cash shook a rattle in front of her face.
"Auntie!" He said excitedly when he saw me, coming running over to me as I scooped him up.
"Oh man, you're getting heavy buddy." I laughed as I noticed how much harder it was to pick him up lately. "I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to lift you."
"Sorry." He giggled.
"We had a deal, remember? You promised you'd stay little forever."
"I can't help it! My body just grows, I don't try to!" He defended.
I just laughed and ruffled his hair as I put him down, looking around for his parents before I saw Ryan emerge from the kitchen and enter the hallway.
"Hey bug." He smiled as he came over to kiss my cheek. "I didn't know you were coming over."
"Oh, yeah. I uh...I just wanted to talk to you guys for a minute." I muttered as he looked down at me questioningly.
"Why are you being so weird?" He chuckled as Kels came down the stairs.
"Hey Hails. You staying for dinner?" She asked as she came to stand beside us.
"She's being weird, she said she wants to talk to us." Ryan said as she turned to look at me.
"What's up? You okay?" She asked worriedly.
"I'm fine." I laughed. "Just come sit down in the living room."
The three of us headed into the living room where Ryan picked up Soph and brought her with him to sit on the couch, while Cash climbed up onto Kelsey's lap and they all stared at me. I sat down in the chair in front of them, taking a deep breath and trying to calm my nerves.
"Hails...you're kinda freaking me out." Kels said as she watched me carefully.
"I just need to tell you something, and I'm nervous about it so just let me get it out..." I said, looking over at my brother and letting him know I didn't need him to crack any of his jokes. "I've taken a contract for one of those environmental studies and in two weeks I'll be leaving for a few months. I'll be going to the Amazon in Peru and then an ocean project in Belize...I don't know how much access I'll have to call or check in, and I don't know exactly what I'll be doing yet. I won't be home for Christmas, and I'm having a really hard time thinking about leaving. So, I just need you guys to be supportive and tell me that you're all gonna be okay when I'm gone because I'm kinda freaking out about it."
I was breathless by the time I finished, relieved to at least have gotten it all out as they all stared at me while it sunk in. I could tell they were surprised, and my hands were almost shaking as I waited for them to say something.
"You're going away for Christmas?" Cash asked, his little face looking sad like he was about to cry.
"Yes, buddy." I said, feeling my own tears sting the back of my eyes as I tried to push them back.
Ryan cleared his throat, taking a deep breath as he shifted in his seat to lean forward.
"Well that was a lot of information to process in ten seconds." He sighed. "But I'm really proud of you, Bug. I think this is a great opportunity and I'm glad you're doing it."
"Yeah, I don't have any of the details but this sounds exciting. I know you've been struggling the past few weeks, I just hope this isn't you running away from here because of what happened with Harry." Kelsey said carefully.
I swallowed hard at the mention of his name, making my stomach tighten as I thought of him.
"I know it probably seems like that...and I'd be lying if I said it hadn't helped push me toward this, but I just really think I need to get away for a while. I need to get out on my own and do some soul searching, do something I'm passionate about and hopefully figure some stuff out. I know you've all noticed that I haven't been doing so well, and I know that what happened with Harry is in large part my fault. You've all been telling me to call him and work it out, and I want to, I just need to sort myself out first."
"We just want you to be happy, Hails. If this is what you want, of course we support you. We'll miss you like crazy, but you need to do this if that's what you want." Kelsey said softly as she stood up and came to hug me.
A tear escaped my eye as she hugged me, feeling overwhelmed with the reality of what I was about to do. It was a scary thing to think about leaving home for so long with no idea of what I was going into. I'd always been an independent person, but my family was everything to me and the idea of leaving them seemed impossible.
"Don't worry about us. We'll all be fine, anxiously awaiting your return with all your crazy stories of your adventures." Ryan smiled as he came over to hug me. "I love you, bug. I'm not gonna lie, the idea of my baby sister going off into the world without me is scary, but you gotta do what's right for you. If you need this, I want this for you."
I nodded as he pulled away, my eyes falling to Cash who was still sitting on the couch. He looked like he was still trying to figure out what it all meant, but he seemed to know it meant I wouldn't be around for a while. I sighed as I sat back down in the chair, motioning for him to come over to me as I pulled him up onto my lap.
"Come here, buddy." I said as I lifted him up, kissing his head and hugging him tightly.
"Why do you have to go away?" He sniffled as he looked up at me. "Why does everyone always have to go away?"
My heart lurched in my chest at his words, knowing he'd been struggling a bit with missing Harry and not quite understanding why he had to leave. I knew he'd been calling him and video chatting with him a lot and that had helped, but I didn't know if I'd be able to offer him the same comfort.
"Do you remember in Hawaii when we helped the turtles?" I asked him and he nodded. "And remember you had all those questions about the environment and Harry told you about how the turtles would make more babies so that they didn't go extinct like the dinosaurs?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, there are a lot of things in the world that can happen if we don't take care of the environment. All the things I teach you when we're in the woods are important, why?"
"Because if we don't take care of them then the animals can go away forever and then the earth wouldn't work the way it's supposed to." He said, recalling the things we'd talked about hundreds of times.
"That's right, and there are a lot of parts of the world where people don't take good care of the environment. We have to study those things and learn about them so that we can save the animals and the earth. It's very hard to get back parts of the environment once we've lost them, so we have to save what's left." I explained.
"That's why you have to go away? You're gonna help save the animals and the earth?"
"Well, I'm gonna try to." I laughed. "I'm gonna learn as much as I can to help, and then when I come home I'll teach you all about it."
"Okay." He smiled. "Remember how you said different animals only live in different places? Will they have different kinds of animals where you're going?"
"Yep, all different kinds. I'll take you lots of pictures and tell you all about it." I smiled.
I watched as his little face scrunched up in thought, obviously thinking hard about something, before he turned and looked back up at me.
"I'm gonna really miss you lots, but I if you don't save the animals they'll go away forever, so I guess if the animals need you it's okay for me to miss you for a while." He sighed.
I took a deep breath as a smile crossed my face, feeling a sense of pride for him in that he seemed to be willing to put the animals before himself even though he didn't fully understand it. He had no idea, but he was slowly learning to be selfless, and I was proud of the little human he was becoming.
"I'm gonna miss you too, buddy. But I'll be back before you know it." I promised.
"Can I call you like I call Harry?" He asked.
"I don't know how much I can call, but I promise I'll try every chance I get."
He nodded, seemingly satisfied with my answer, before he hopped off my lap and went over to his dad.
"Dad, can I call Harry now? I miss him." He sighed as Ryan brought his hand up and ran it over his head.
"Just give me a few minutes buddy, I'm just gonna feed your sister." Ryan said as he stood up and headed to the kitchen to get a bottle.
I took that as my cue to leave, knowing I had tons of stuff to do before I left and not wanting to be there when Cash called Harry. I knew I needed to call Harry and attempt to stop the weirdness between us, to let him know I would be leaving and hopefully come to some sort of common ground about where we stood, but today wasn't that day.
I said goodbye to them all, promising I'd stop by the next night and have dinner with them, before I headed home. I drove through the familiar streets of my home town, taking it all in on my way back to my house. But just as it had been since the day he left, all I saw was Harry. I'd spent my whole life in that town making memories, but for whatever reason the only ones my brain seemed to remember were the ones with him. I passed the café where I met him for the first time, the diner where we spent so many late nights grabbing burgers and milkshakes, the roads we used to stumble down when we headed home drunk from Finn and Sam's or some other event. He was everywhere, in every single corner of that town, and no matter what I did I couldn't escape him.
In a way it did feel like I was running from it, taking off half way around the world to somewhere new that wasn't filled with memories of him, but moreso I was trying to discover who I was without that place and the safe place I'd always resided. I needed to push myself, to get out of my bubble and do something that scared me. I needed to face those fears and conquer them, and hopefully by doing that I could face the thing that scared me the most: my feelings for Harry.
**********
Harry's POV
"Thanks." I said as Niall handed me a beer, sitting down next to me as we sat in his backyard watching Louis play in the pool with Freddie.
I hadn't seen him since the night of his birthday party, he was hungover for three days after and I'd been in the studio all day every day since then. It was my first day that I had nothing to do, so I'd decided to see what the boys were up to and found out Louis was heading to Niall's with Freddie.
"So, how's it comin?" Niall asked as he looked over at me.
"Good. Really good, actually." I sighed. "There's just so much inside me that I can't get out fast enough, I've got so much material it's hard to know what to do with it all."
"Heartbreak will do that to you." He said as he took a swig of his beer. "Where are you recording?"
"I haven't started yet, just been writing for now. I'm thinking I might take off for a couple months, get outta here and just do nothing but write and record. Someone was telling me about a studio in Jamaica, I think I might just head down there and submerge myself in it."
"Could be a good idea, take some of the pressure off." He shrugged. "You talk to Hails?"
"Nope." I sighed, my stomach tightening at the thought as Niall just sighed without saying anything.
It had been almost three weeks, and I hadn't heard a peep. I'd talked to Ryan, Kels and the kids almost every day, texted a bit with Finn and called to check in with Gram every couple of days, but it seemed as though Hailey had dropped off the face of the earth as far as I was concerned. It was still killing me, but being able to put it all down on paper had been a form of therapy for me that had worked to numb the sting of it.
I still thought about her constantly, wishing she'd just call and thinking about what I'd say to her, but I was doing my best to take it day by day. I had to believe that she would realize just how good we were together, that she'd just accept we were meant for each other and call me, and I'd be waiting until she did. I knew I could call her, force her to talk it through with me or try to convince her of how much she meant to me, but I also knew that it would do no good. I'd already told her everything, I'd done everything I could do, and it was up to her to come around to her own conclusion. I knew her well enough to know that if I pushed her I'd lose her for good, so all I could do was wait.
I'd thought a lot about what Niall had said that night at his birthday, about Hailey saying she needed to fix herself. I'd been so confused by it in the beginning, but now that the dust had settled a bit I knew that she realized that she'd pushed me away and maybe she had seen just how hard I'd tried. She knew that fear was why she pulled away from me, and all I could hope was that she was trying to figure out why.
"I talked to your Mum yesterday, she's worried about you." Niall said as he looked over at me. "I tried to tell her you're dealing but she wouldn't listen."
"Don't bother, her and Gem have both been calling me non-stop." I sighed. "Threatening to come out here, just being general pains in my ass."
"They just care, Haz. You could do a lot worse."
"I know. I just need to focus on my music right now. I'm just trying to take it day by day, I don't need them reminding me every two minutes." I said as I took a sip of my beer, watching as Freddie splashed his little hands in the water.
"I get it. I'll tell them to back off." He said sympathetically, resting his arm on my shoulder and giving it a soft squeeze. "On another note, I'm heading back there next week if there's anything you want me to take over or bring you back."
"I think I'm good, thanks though." I smiled as I watched Louis throw Freddie up and catch him, a huge giggle erupting from his tiny body. "I swear that kid gets more adorable every time I see him."
"He's pretty cute. Liam said you stopped by to see Bear the other day, I still can't get over that fucking name." Niall laughed.
"I kinda like it, it suits him. The kid is huge." I laughed, thinking about his chubby cheeks and little arm rolls. "He's cute too. I think it's official, us 1D boys make adorable children."
"Well obviously, a bunch of studs is what we are." Niall laughed as Louis hopped out of the pool and came over to us, dropping Freddie into my lap as he headed into the house.
"Thanks, Lou. Now I'm all wet." I laughed as I held the sopping wet toddler on my lap, looking down at him and making faces at him as he giggled. "Totally worth it though, buddy. A little water won't get in the way of Uncle Harry and his mini Tommo."
"I think he said Harry the other day, actually." Lou said as he emerged from the house holding a beer.
"Really?" I smiled, looking back at Freddie. "Can you say Harry? Har-ry."
"That's bullshit, I've hung out with him way more than Harry." Niall scoffed.
"Doesn't matter, I'm still his favorite." I grinned. "Aren't I buddy?"
Freddie just grinned at me, clapping his hands as he looked back at me.
"I can't believe he's gonna be two. Where did the time go?" Lou sighed as he sat down beside me and I put Freddie down and he toddled around Niall's backyard.
"You're telling me. Gonna be eight years since we were on x-factor. We're officially old, lads." Niall laughed as he reached over and smacked my chest.
"Been one hell of a ride though." I smiled. "Wouldn't trade you idiots for the world."
My phone buzzed on the table in front of me with a text message and I sighed, assuming it was probably either my mother or sister harassing me some more, and I leaned forward to pick it up. My heart dropped into my stomach when I saw the name on the screen, and I shot up from my seat and stared down at my phone as my heart began to race in my chest.
1 New Message: Hails
"What?" Louis asked worriedly as he watched my face drop. "Who is it?"
He looked over at Niall worriedly as I continued to stare at my phone, trying to bring myself to unlock it and read the message.
"It's her..." I said shooting my head up to look at them, both of their eyes going wide. "It's Hailey."
"What's it say?" Niall asked nervously.
"I-I don't know...I haven't opened it."
"Well open it you idiot!" Louis said, reaching for my phone but I pulled it away.
"What if it's bad?" I asked worriedly, my stomach in knots at the thought.
I'd been praying for that moment for almost a month, dying to hear from her, and now that I had I wasn't sure I could handle it. I had by no means been doing well, but I'd found a way to function through the pain of not being with her, and I was terrified this was gonna hurt even more than it already did.
"Harry. Open the fucking text." Niall instructed sternly.
I took a deep breath, my hands shaking as I unlocked my phone and clicked on the message, opening it and letting my eyes scan the message.
Hails: I know it's a little late, but thanks for getting and hanging those pictures for Niall. I know you didn't have to, but I appreciated it.
"What the fuck does it say? You're killing me here." Louis scoffed as they both waited anxiously for my reaction.
"She uh, she's thanking me for hanging the pictures she got Niall for his birthday." I said, swallowing in an effort to put some moisture back in my throat.
"That was like two weeks ago?" Louis asked, confused.
"Who cares?! She's thanking him!" Niall yelled, shoving him. "Text her back!"
"What the hell do I say?!" I yelled back.
"Jesus Christ, we sound like a bunch of teenage girls." Louis sighed, rolling his eyes. "Just answer her, Haz. Just keep it casual."
"Okay." I said, exhaling deeply as I tried to type out a response without telling her how much I missed her and that I'd been dying to hear from her.
Harry: I promised you I would. He loved them, he was buzzing.
I closed my eyes as I hit send, taking a deep breath as I prayed she'd keep the conversation going. Louis and Niall watched me carefully as I plunked myself back down in my chair, the three of us staring at my phone like it held all the answers to the universe. Every second felt like days as my heart thudded against my rib cage in anticipation. If she texted me back I knew she wanted to talk, I'd given her an opportunity to end it there, so I was praying she'd say something else.
"Oh fuck, thank god." Louis sighed as another message came in, clutching his chest with his hand. "That was intense."
I took another deep breath as I opened the message, all three of us collectively gasping as we read it.
Hails: Are you busy? Can I call you?
The wind flew out of me as I read the words, no air flowing to my lungs as I realized I could be hearing her voice in a matter of seconds. I was nervous, terrified even, not knowing why she wanted to talk or whether or not that was a good thing.
"Oh shit." Niall said as he read the message, his head shooting up to look at me. "Call her, you idiot!"
"What if she tells me she thought about it and there's no chance for us? I couldn't fucking handle that, Niall. It'll kill me." I said, the thought of it making me feel sick.
"She won't. Trust me." He said, leading me to believe he knew things that I didn't and making a mental note to probe him about it later.
"She wants to talk to you, Haz. This is what you wanted." Louis said sympathetically. "Just make the call."
I closed my eyes tightly as I clutched my phone in my hand, trying to stop my heart from racing and get the courage to just call her. The idea of hearing her voice giving me butterflies and making me feel like a twelve year old.
Just make the call, Harry. Just make the fucking call.
Before I could get my shit together, my phone started to ring in my hand, my eyes going wide as I looked over at Louis and Niall who looked just as scared as I was. I stared down at her face as it flashed across the screen, getting lost in it as it continued to ring.
"If you don't answer that fucking phone, I swear to god!" Louis snapped, and I quickly took my shaking hand and answered the call.
I closed my eyes as I brought it to my ear, trying to steady my breathing so she wouldn't be able to tell how nervous I was.
"Hello?" I asked, Niall and Louis' eyes burning into me from their seats in front of me.
"Hi, Stranger." She said, and warmth immediately washing over me at the sound of her voice and the smile I heard in it.
I couldn't stop my own grin from spreading across my lips, so relieved to hear her voice and that she sounded happy to talk to me. "Hey, Bear."