Harry's POV
"Harry?" Jeff asked, snapping me from my thoughts as I turned to find him already staring at me, and I realized he must have been talking to me and I was zoned out.
"Sorry, what did you say?"
"I asked you if you got that e-mail the label sent about the meeting for your production team." He clarified, looking at me worriedly.
"Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, I think I responded. Tuesday, right? I'm still sorting through all my e-mails." I said.
I'd been doing nothing but sorting through e-mails and messages, spending all day with Jeff trying to sort out the logistics for my album and getting back into just how I wanted to do everything. I would like to have said it was a good distraction, but the truth was no matter what I was doing I couldn't get Hailey out of my mind. I knew Niall had been there for a couple days, probably on his way home as I sat there, and I just wanted to know if she was okay.
"Yeah, Tuesday. 9am." Jeff said, staring at me with the same look in his eye he'd had for days. "I don't know what's going on with you, but I really need you to focus here bro."
"Sorry, just trying to get back into the swing of things." I apologized, slapping him on the shoulder in reassurance that I really was paying attention. "Anyways, what else we got goin on?"
I hadn't told him much about what I'd been up to while I was gone, or anyone for that matter. He was one of my best friends and it felt weird keeping it from him, but I was just trying to function and throw myself into my music. I didn't need everyone looking at me like the guy who just had his heart broken, and the last thing I wanted was them judging Hailey or what we had because I knew they'd never understand it. I knew Niall had mentioned it to Liam and Louis, which was fine, and neither of them had bothered to mention it to me, doing their best to let me process it on my own.
"You tell me. It's your album, you tell me how you wanna do this." He smiled. "I've talked to the label, they're just gonna let you do your thing, so you just tell me where you wanna record and I'll book the time."
I took a deep breath, finding it strange to have all of the decisions up to me, and still adjusting to the concept of not having to run every idea through a bunch of other people first. I'd written so much material lately that I just wanted to get it all down, I'd been recording voice notes on my phone and completely engrossing myself in the lyrics I'd come up with.
"Right now I just really need to get in the studio." I sighed. "I need to pick a band and just get going on writing. I've got so many ideas I just wanna get to it."
"Alright, we'll start there. I'll send up band auditions for next week then." He nodded, picking up his phone and starting to make calls.
I just nodded as he left the room, looking out the window as my own phone buzzed in front of me and I looked down to see Louis calling me.
"What's up, Tommo?" I smiled as I answered.
"Hello, Harold." He laughed. "What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm just finishing up some stuff with Jeff. Why? What's up?" I asked as I leaned back in my chair and stretched.
"Just calling to make sure you're not selling out for Niall's birthday tonight."
"I already told you I'd be there." I laughed. "When's he back anyway?"
"Should be landing pretty soon, he texted me when he left. I just gotta drop Freddie at Briana's and then I'm gonna scoop Payno and we're gonna come hang out at your place." He explained. "And no, I don't care that you didn't invite us."
"Of course you don't." I laughed. "What time are you coming? I'm not even home yet."
"I'll give you two hours before we show up. You better get your game face on, no more of this emo shit. Not tonight, we're goin out." He said sternly.
"Yeah, yeah." I chuckled, knowing I was in for an interesting night if Louis was this fired up.
"Besides, Niall needs helping picking his covers from the new photos he got on his trip. It's about time the four of us catch up."
"Alright, I guess I'll see you in a couple hours." I sighed before we said goodbye and hung up, feeling a little apprehensive about going out but knowing I didn't have a choice.
Aside from the fact that I wasn't exactly in the mood, I knew it would be a media frenzy if the four of us were out together, and I just wasn't into it. At the same time, I knew I needed to go for Niall and to get out of the house and hopefully be able to have some fun. The boys had always been there to pull me out of a funk, and I was hoping maybe they'd be able to do it again. Besides, I was dying for any kind of news about Hailey, so I needed to talk to drunk Niall so he'd give me the full story and not the edited version.
It had only been five days since I left, but it felt like years since I'd talked to her. I was trying to give her some space while I licked my wounds, doing my best to remember that she'd pushed me away because she was scared, not because she didn't love me. I knew I could very well have been lying to myself, but it was the only thing that was getting me out of bed in the morning so I had to go with it.
"I gotta head home, I'll see you later at Niall's thing?" Jeff asked as he poked his head into the room and looked at me.
"Yeah. I'll be there." I nodded and he said goodbye before he disappeared down the hallway.
I stood up and grabbed my phone off the table, pulling my keys out of my pocket before I made my way out of the building and headed towards my car. There were about five paps shoving their cameras in my face, asking me all kinds of questions about Hailey, as they had been since I got home, desperate to find out who my mystery girlf from Hawaii was. I hopped into my car without saying anything and headed home, taking a long shower and changing into my clothes for dinner before the boys arrived.
I was just pulling a bottle of water out of the fridge when I heard my front door open, the sound of Louis mocking Liam echoing down the hall as they made their way toward me. I just laughed and shook my head, thinking about how much we'd grown over the past few years, yet the way Louis could irritate Liam had never changed.
"How is it possible that you have a child?" Liam laughed as they entered the kitchen. "You're an over-grown five year old. Actually, maybe not over-grown..."
"Yeah, yeah. Always with the height jokes." Louis rolled his eyes at him before he turned and saw me standing there. "Well look who it is!"
I just laughed as they each came over and hugged me, Niall trailing in behind them with a bunch of stuff in his hands. He threw it down on the counter before coming over to hug me, a little tighter than usual, before he pulled away.
"Hey, mate." I smiled. "How was your trip?"
"And by that, he means how's Hailey." Louis commented, smirking at me.
I watched as Niall cleared his throat uncomfortably, sending a sick feeling washing through me as he avoided looking at me.
"She's uh, she's good." He said awkwardly before he quickly changed the subject. "I've got some stuff for you."
He quickly shifted back to the counter and started pulling stuff out of the bag he'd brought, handing me various pictures Cash had drawn me and some photos Kelsey had developed of Soph that I quickly put on the fridge. He handed me a couple of other things Cash had made before he got to the bottom of the bag.
"Oh, and I figured you might want this." He shrugged as he handed me one of my t-shirts that I'd left with Hailey, and I felt my stomach tighten at the idea that she didn't want it.
Niall must have seen the look on my face as I hesitantly took it from him, holding it in my hand and staring down at it as the familiar sting of rejection made its way through my body.
"I forgot to give it back to her." He quickly said. "We were doing some shots and she said I was dressed too formally so she gave it to me to put on for the pictures, I forgot to give it back before I left so I just figured you might as well have it back."
I could tell he felt the need to explain it to me, knowing what I had obviously been thinking. I swallowed hard and nodded, doing my best not to let it dampen my mood since I knew I still had to spend the night out with them.
"So, how was it? You get the shots you wanted?" Liam asked as I pulled some beers from the fridge and handed them each one.
"I'm not sure yet, I haven't looked. I wanted you guys to look with me." He shrugged. "I wanted to see them for the first time with you."
"Well it's that fucking precious." Louis laughed. "You warm my heart, little Nialler."
"Yeah, yeah." Niall chuckled as he pulled out the USB from his pocket and motioned toward my living room.
He walked over and plugged it into my TV as I used the remote to put it on the USB setting and the first photo flashed up on the screen. A warm feeling washed over me as soon as I saw it, immediately recognizing the background as Lily Ridge and smiled to myself. Niall was sitting on the edge of a cliff, looking to be thinking about something, and I knew Hailey had taken it without him knowing.
The four of us sat, scanning through the photos, Liam and Louis in awe of some of the things she'd captured and blabbering on about how nice it looked there and how they wanted to visit. Not surprisingly, she seemed to capture the emotions of the album rather than just a photo of Niall in a nice place. Her talent for making you feel things in her photos was obvious, as you could really feel the rawness of Niall's pain or the lightness of his laughter. I felt my own emotions being reflected as I saw the images of Niall looking like he was missing someone, sitting somewhere alone and thinking about them.
Niall had left me a copy of his album as soon as I got back, and I'd been listening to it pretty regularly in the past few days, and I'd be lying if it didn't make me wonder who half those songs were about. I'd known Niall to date here and there, but as far as I knew none of them were ever that special to him. He used to talk about some girl back home, but never really gave many details and at times it just seemed to painful for him to talk about. I'd figured he was long over it by now, but his album would appear to show otherwise. I wondered if maybe he had more insight into the way I was feeling than I had realized, and I felt bad that I'd obviously missed that he was going through something at some point.
We scanned through the photos of Niall sitting on a bed, looking down at his hands while he wore my t-shirt, and I felt a strange sense of relief at the idea that his story about my shirt seemed to match up. I knew it was ridiculous, but I just needed to know she hadn't given it to him because she didn't want it and he just didn't have the heart to tell me.
My heart stopped in my chest as I flipped to the next photo and saw her face looking back at me, my breath hitching in my throat as I stared up at her. She was beautiful, as always, but there was something in her face that just wasn't the same. She was smiling next to Niall, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Her eyes weren't sparkling like they usually did, still looking blue as ever but missing that glow that I loved so much. She was tired and sad. Nobody else would have noticed, but I did.
"Damn, Styles. Is that her?" Liam asked as he nudged me.
I swallowed hard, trying to break the trance I'd been in while I stared at her, shifting in my seat as I tried to compose myself.
"Uh, yeah. That's her." I sighed.
"No wonder you're so miserable. She's fit as fuck." Louis said and I shot him a look as he raised his hands in defense.
Niall just shot me a sympathetic look as he took the remote and changed to the next photo.
"Sorry, I didn't know that was in here." He apologized and I just nodded.
We spent the next ten minutes going through the photos, all of us letting Niall know which ones we liked the best. Liam and Louis both thoroughly impressed with Hailey's photography skills, which gave me a sense of pride for her. She had no idea how talented she was, and I always loved it when other people appreciated her work.
After shooting the shit for a while, we all headed out to the restaurant where Niall had made the reservation for his birthday. I had to admit, it was nice to spend time with the boys and see so many of our friends that I hadn't seen in so long. I caught up with everyone and learned what everyone had been up to all summer, doing my best to dodge the questions about my trip to Hawaii that everyone seemed so aware of. My mind kept drifting back to Hailey as it always did, worrying about her now that I'd seen that she wasn't quite herself, and wishing she was there with me.
We finished up dinner and headed to the club, Louis and Liam acting like caged animals who had finally been set free as they ordered shot after shot. The paparazzi had a hay day when we entered, but luckily inside had been rented out and was mostly people we knew. I held my glass of tequila on ice in my hand as I watched Liam force Niall take another shot, chuckling to myself as I thought about how shitty he was gonna feel in the morning.
"Hey, Harry." I heard a familiar voice say as I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I turned to see Kendall standing in front of me, next to Jeff and Glenne who looked like they'd just arrived. I wasn't surprised to see her there, her and Jeff were practically family, and Kendall had always been a good friend to Niall.
"Hey, Kenny." I smiled as I leaned down and kissed her cheek. "How you been?"
"I've been really good, actually." She smiled softly. "It's really good to see you."
I'd always been thankful that Kendall and I had remained friends after everything we'd been through. We'd dated on and off for years, and it had never gotten weird between us. She'd always understood the pressures of fame and insane schedules, and I think we'd both sort of used each other as a distraction whenever we were home. I think over time we just realized that we weren't really that into each other as anything more than friends, and it just kind of fizzled out. I really did value her friendship, and I was always happy to see her when we would bump into each other from time to time. She'd always been supportive of me and had my back, and I appreciated that.
"You too." I replied. "I called you after the whole Pepsi thing, I wanted to make sure you were okay."
I remembered seeing all the backlash she'd received for doing the commercial, and I'd felt horrible that she'd been torn to shreds by everyone. As someone who knew what kind of person she was, I knew she was devastated, and I'd reached out to make sure she was okay and never heard back.
"I know, I saw that." She sighed. "I'm sorry I never got back to you, it was just a rough time."
"No worries, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I'm glad you're good now."
I knew the struggles she had faced with people comparing to other members of her family. Kendall was one person who I could honestly say was perceived completely differently by the media than she actually was. She'd had to work twice as hard to be taken seriously, and I knew she would have taken it pretty hard.
"Learning experience, I guess." She shrugged. "But it was very sweet of you to check on me. I guess some things never change, you're still as charming as ever."
I just laughed as I took a sip of my drink, noticing Niall stumbling his way over to us as he threw his arm around Kendall.
"Kennyyyy." He slurred as we both chuckled at him. "You came."
"Wouldn't miss it." She smiled. "I guess I owe you a drink. I'll be right back."
She excused herself as she headed over to the bar to get Niall a drink, and he turned back to look at me with a wide grin taking over his face.
"Styles, I missed you buddy!" He said as he threw his arm around my neck and pulled me into him, kissing my temple. "I'm so glad you're out, you need a good night out. Are you having fun?"
"Yes, Niall." I laughed.
"Good, I'm glad. Oh hey! Thanks for putting up my pictures in my house while I was gone, I love them. You put them right where I woulda. I was so surprised when I got back, I figured it was you. I hope it was you, was it you?" He asked, drunkenly thinking out loud.
"It was me." I chuckled. "They were a birthday present from Hails, I told her I'd put them up for you."
"I texted her to say thanks, I hope I made her smile. She needs to smile, you both do. You gotta sort your shit out." He said, almost more to himself than to me.
I looked at him carefully, deciding just how drunk he was and if he'd reached the level I needed him to so I could get the truth out of him. Niall had never really been one to gossip, and I knew he was in large part trying to protect us both from the situation. He would never wanna tell me something that he knew would upset me, and I didn't want him to feel in the middle. I also knew he would be loyal in his friendship to Hailey to not tell me more than she would want me to know, but it was eating me alive. When I decided he was drunk enough, I gave it a shot.
"How is she, Niall?" I asked, knowing he couldn't lie to me if he tried in his state.
"She's terrible, mate. She loves you so much, it's killing her." He said as she shook his head, almost like he could get the image out of his mind. "She cries herself to sleep, I heard her."
My heart began to ache at the thought of it, hating the idea of her crying and not being there to hold her. I knew she'd miss me, that it would be hard for her to be there without me, but I didn't know it would hit her that hard.
"The last night...I couldn't take it. I had to go in there. I just hugged her and let her cry until she fell asleep, broke my fucking heart." He said, frustration in his words. "She thinks it's what's best for you, I told her it's not, but she thinks she's fucked up and she needs to fix herself."
"What do you mean?" I asked, shocked to hear that.
"She knows she pushed you away, she-"
"Alright, birthday boy." Kendall smiled as she came back over, holding three shots in her hands. We both turned to look at her and her face immediately dropped as she sensed she'd walked in on something. "Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting?"
"Uh, no. It's fine. I'm just gotta step outside for a minute." I said, doing my best to shoot her a smile before I turned away and made my way toward the outdoor patio area.
The room felt like it was starting to suffocate me, the ache in my chest becoming too much as I pushed my way outside. I gasped as I threw the door open, desperate to fill my lungs with the air I felt like I couldn't get, leaning against the wall and closing my eyes. What the hell did he mean she needs to fix herself? She's perfect, she's the most perfect thing I'd ever laid eyes on and the concept of her thinking she wasn't broke my heart. The image of her laying in her bed, the bed we shared so many nights, crying herself to sleep felt like a knife to the stomach and it was taking everything in me not to race to the airport and get on a plane.
I leaned back against the wall, trying to take deep breaths and calm myself down as I felt a hand grip my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Jeff hovering over me, worry written all over his face.
"Harry, are you okay? You look like you're having a panic attack." He asked, slight panic in his voice.
"I'm alright." I nodded, taking a deep breath as I stood up straight and exhaled.
"Jesus Christ, bro. I don't know what the hell is going on with you but you're scaring the shit out of me. I've never seen you like this." He said as he stood in front of me, his eyes pleading with me to talk to him. "What the hell happened to you?"
"I'll be fine, I just needed to get some air." I sighed.
"Harry, you're one of my best friends. I know you, don't lie to me. Is it the album? Are you feeling too pressured? I can push some stuff back if you need some time." He offered, desperate to help.
"No, no. It's not that. I need to work, I need the distraction." I explained as I ran my hand through my hair.
"Then what is it? You know you can talk to me. Just talk to me." He pleaded, placing his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it softly. "Whatever it is, just let me be here for you."
I just sighed, having no idea how I could possibly explain everything that had happened, especially standing against a wall on the patio of a bar. I absentmindedly played with the H pendant that was hanging around my neck, the same one I'd given Hailey for her birthday, which had become a recent habit of mine since I'd left. I'd been relieved to see she was still wearing hers in the photo I'd seen of her and Niall, which gave me hope that she still felt the need to wear it and hold me close to her. Since I'd been home, I found myself clutching it any time I was anxious. I hadn't taken it off since the night I gave it to her, and I guess it felt like it was my connection to her and it helped calm me down.
Jeff watched me intently for a second, his features laced with worry before he looked down at my hand, playing with the pendant, and something shifted as a look of realization crossed his face.
"Oh shit." He said, looking at me with wide eyes as he seemed to have figured something out. "It's her, isn't it? The girl you were with in Hawaii?"
I sighed and closed my eyes as I nodded, not wanting to keep anything from him and knowing he would be supportive. I was sure he'd already had to deal with the fallout of me punching that photographer, and I was surprised he hadn't asked me about it by now. I guess we'd been spending so much time talking about the future we hadn't had any time to catch up on the past few months. The only reason I hadn't told him was because I didn't wanna talk about it, I wanted to throw myself into work with the idea of forgetting about it, even though deep down I knew it was impossible.
"The necklace, she was wearing the same one in the photos." He sighed as he leaned against the wall next to me. "Who is she?"
I sighed as I pulled out one of the chairs sitting next to one of the tables in front of us, sitting down and holding my head in my hands. I was thankful nobody else was out there, just me, Jeff and the overwhelming sense of emptiness I felt. He watched me carefully for a minute before he sat down beside me, waiting for me to explain.
"Her name is Hailey." I said, her name nearly catching in my throat as I said it for the first time in almost a week. "I met her while I was away...she lives next door to the house I rented."
"The one you just bought?" He asked, and I nodded. "So...what happened that's got you so upset?"
"I, uh..." I looked down at the ground as I rested my elbows on my knees, knowing he would be just as surprised by my next statement as I was. "I fell in love with her."
He was silent for a few seconds before I finally turned my head to look at him, looking just as shocked as I expected him to.
"She's amazing, Jeff. She's...she's everything I could ever want. You know me, you know I don't just get feelings like this."
"I know you don't." He sighed, realizing the weight of it. "I mean, I'm happy for you. I just have a feeling there's more to this."
I took a deep breath before I began to explain, the words just falling out of me as I recounted everything that had happened. I told him all about how I'd met her and fallen for her, how she'd helped me put my life back into perspective and understood me in a way I couldn't explain. It was hard to put a lot of it into words, the connection we shared was so much more a feeling rather than anything I could put into words, but I did my best as we sat there while the party continued inside.
I told him about how I'd struggled, trying not to fall for her but knowing it was pointless. I told him about our deal to not think too far ahead, and how things seemed to be perfect between us right up until that last week. I told him about how I'd declared my love for her the night before I left, how I'd pleaded with her to let me make it work, and how she'd told me she didn't want me to stay and basically pushed me out the door.
He listened intently, nodding along once in a while, shooting me a soft smile as I spoke of her or placing a hand on my shoulder as I got emotional about our goodbye. In a way it felt good to let it all out, but the ache in my chest didn't subside as I thought about what Niall had told me before I came out to the patio in the first place.
"Niall said he heard her crying herself to sleep, and the thought of it...Jeff, it's fucking killing me. It's all killing me. It hurts so much I can't fucking breathe, to know she's not happy, to be away from her, to have this weirdness between us."
"I'm sorry, Harry. I hate seeing you like this." He sighed.
"Every time my phone rings, I pray to god it's her. I pick it up a hundred times a day, trying to get the balls to just call her, I've drafted a million texts only to delete them. I'm desperate to talk to her, to hear her voice, but I have no idea what the fuck to say." I said as I buried my head in my hands, gripping my hair in frustration.
"I know this is killing you, I can see it. Maybe you guys just need some time apart to figure out what you want."
"I know what I want, Jeff. I want her, at this point that's all I want. Nothing else makes any sense if I don't have her." I sighed.
"Then why haven't you just called her? I know you said you don't know what to say, but it's gotta be better than sitting here beating yourself up about it."
"I don't know, I guess part of me thinks if she wanted to talk to me she'd call. Maybe I just can't handle the thought of her rejecting me again or not wanting to talk to me. She thinks she's a distraction from me making my album, she thinks she's doing the right thing. She doesn't fucking realize that not talking to her is more of a distraction than anything else."
"Well it's only been a few days, maybe just give her some time to think things through and maybe she'll call. Just give her some time and see what happens. In the meantime, I know you've been writing like crazy and I'm gonna guess what you've written is about her, so use it. Use music as your outlet, let everything else just happen naturally." He encouraged me, resting his hand on my shoulder. "If you two are meant to be together like you seem to think you are, everything will work out in the end, you'll find your way back to each other."
I just sighed and nodded my head, exhausted from talking about it and thinking about it constantly. At some point I just had to accept that it was what it was, and I had a life to live. I knew my life would feel empty and lonely without her in it, but I still had to keep going forward. All I could do was do what I came back to LA to do, and hope that somewhere along the way Hails and I could talk and sort things out.