I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts were twirling around and I couldn't keep track of them.
Lilly's memories had started to become my own. It felt like two people were merging into one body and I could barely differentiate the two.
"How is this is even possible?" I whispered under my breath. It hurt my mind trying to make sense of it all. The only thing I was sure of was that I was no longer the Ember I was before, or at least, not completely. A part of me awakened, a part that I didn't even realize was there. It was like she sat in the shadows of my soul and waited for me to be ready.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a freshly awoken voice.
"Goodmorning, my sunshine." Jin said as he leaned over and kissed my cheek.
"Oh. Good morning." I said with a smile.
"Sleep well?"
"I guess you could say that. You might want to do something about your snoring though." I teased.
"What? I don't snore! Why would you say that?.....wait, do I?"
All I could do was laugh.
"You're awful." He said jokingly as he hit me with his pillow.
The sun began to made its way above the horizon and its rays gently flooded into the room.
I moved over towards Jin and laid my head on his bare chest. I could hear his heart beating peacefully. The rhythm in synchronization with my own.
"Jin?"
"Yes?" He asked as he softly rubbed his fingers up and down my arm.
"What do you think happens to us after we die?"
"That's kind of a heavy topic for this morning, don't you think?"
" I guess. Just with everything that has happened recently has got me thinking."
"Hm. I don't know. I'd like to think that when we close our eyes and leave this earth, our eyes open to another life. I'd hate to think that this is the end."
His words almost pierced my soul. Our eyes open to another life...
"What about you?" He asked.
"I think I agree with you. Maybe we don't just have one life to live."
"I really hope not. I don't think one life with you would ever be enough for me. I don't want these moments to ever end. You're so perfect, Ember. Every part of you."
I could feel my stomach turning into knots. Knots of excitement, but also knots of sorrow. After all this time I was finally beginning to understand why I couldn't fully give myself to him, despite all my conscious effort and it caused me pain. A huge part of me loved him, it just, wasn't all of me.
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, but something inside of me kept me from doing so. All I could seem to muster up in response to his sweet words was a smile.
~~~~~
"I'm going to hop in the shower. Make yourself at home. Also, feel free to wear anything that you can get to fit. The clothes are in the dresser. I'm sure you'd like something clean to wear." Jin said as he slid out of bed and walked towards the bathroom.
"You just want to see me in one of your t-shirts, don't you?"
"Hey, you won't hear me complain." He said accompanied with a wink as he shut the door behind him.
I walked over to the dresser near the foot of the bed with a smile on my face. Ever since I had met him, regardless of how I was feeling, Jin always had a way of making me smile. Truly smile.
A line of picture frames with smiling faces and seemingly happy memories filled the top of the dresser. The smile on my face faded as I saw one picture in particular. It was of us. Just a simple selfie that we had taken the first day we met. Something so simple reminded us of two very different things. His was happiness, but for me, it brought on that gut wrenching pain that kept lingering in the back of my mind. Tears welled up inside of my eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.
I couldn't do this to him anymore. Jin deserved better. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, but my soul belonged to Taehyung. There was no fighting it. Not anymore. Not only was Taehyung in my present, he was also a part of my memories now. The love and connection was too deep to break. I wanted Jin, but I needed Taehyung.
My heart was heavy and felt like it would break into two at any moment, but I finally knew what needed to do. I had fought it for as long as I could. I tried with everything in me to choose Jin. My mind, the part of me that contained everything that Ember was, wanted him. But that part that ran deep in my soul, the part that had Lilly's love for Taehyung, was deeper and stronger than any other force I had ever experienced.
Despite everything I had been fighting, it was time, and I knew it.
I searched for a paper and pen and began to write.
~~~~~
As Jin and I sat at his small dining room table, eating the eggs and bacon he had prepared for us, I couldn't help but think about how I didn't want any of this to end. I took in every moment, every detail of his face. The way he smiled when he talked about his family, down to the way he tilted his head to the side when he is listened to me, as if I was saying the most profound words he had ever heard. I etched every movement into my memory. I didn't ever want to forget the reasons I fell in love with him.
Time passed quicker than I wish It would. I wanted to live in that moment forever. I couldn't bear the the thought of losing my best friend, but something inside me whispered that it would be ok. Eventually, I would be ok.
I picked up my empty plate and walked into the kitchen and put my dish in the sink.
I could feel Jin enter the room behind me. Things always seemed a bit brighter when he was there.
He came up from behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head next to mine.
"Thank you for coming into my life." He whispered in my ear as he delivered it a kiss.
I smiled a small smile and closed my eyes, afraid of the tears that I could feel forming. I turned into him and buried my head deep into his chest and held him tighter than I thought I could. His embrace once gave me so much comfort, but now it caused me pain. He wasn't what I needed anymore, and it killed me inside.
I breathed in his smell for the last time. My heart began to pound and I felt like I couldn't get enough air to fill my lungs. My mind started to scream and my hands began to tremble.
"Jin, I..I.."
The tears started to escape and I couldn't hide them.
"What's wrong Ember? Talk to me, it's ok, I'm here for you."
I backed out of his embrace and wiped my flowing tears.
"I'm so sorry." I said as I shook my head, tears still racing down my cheeks.
"You're sorry about what? Ember? What's wrong?"
"I can't do this."
"Do what?"
"....us."
He stood frozen for a moment. Confusion filled his face.
"What do you mean?" The fear growing in his voice.
"I can't do this. I can't treat you like this. You need better."
"Ember. You are everything I have always wanted. There is nothing better than you."
"Thats not true. It might have been at one point, but it simply isn't that way anymore."
"Yes, it is. Ember, my life before wasn't great. Everyone always thought that I had everything figured out and that my life was completely put together, but they didn't know my souls inner cries. They didn't know that even though the room was full of people, I felt so incredibly lonely. But then you walked into Joe's Diner and my life changed. You showed me that love does exist. You showed me how beautiful one kiss can be. You showed me that the world really was good. You're the reason I'm alive today. You gave me a reason to live."
I could see the tears forming in his eyes, and it took everything in me not to just run away. I didn't want to see his pain, knowing I was the person causing it.
"Jin, stop."
"No, Ember, you stop. You're probably just overwhelmed with everything that has been happening." He said as he reached out his hand towards my arm.
"No, Jin. It's not that."
"Then what the hell is going on, Ember?"
I couldn't find the words he needed to hear.
How do you tell someone you love, that you love someone else and that you love that other person even more? How do you crush their soul? And how do you tell them that what they pictured as forever is now nothing? How do you articulate that? You can't.
"You can't just sit there and tell me we can't be together and not explain why!" Jin said as he raised his voice.
I turned my head away from him. I couldn't look at him. I could almost hear his heart breaking, and it was killing me inside.
"Ember! Look at me!"
"I love someone else!" I finally yelled back as my tears fell even harder.
"You...you.....what?" He said as his voice cracked from the tears that began to seep from his eyes.
"I love someone else." I whispered.
"No. I don't think I heard you right."
"Jin....please."
"I...but you....but you love me. What has all this time meant to you? The words you've said, the things you've done? What was all of that but love?"
I could see it written on his face. I had just ripped his heart from his chest and crushed it with my words.
"Ember, please. I love you. You're my world. My everything. Please......please don't do this."
My mind was screaming. I didn't want this, I didn't want any of it. I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to stay. I begged myself to stay. Anything. Even if was just to be his friend. Anything was better than completely losing him.
"I'm so sorry." I said as I lowered my head toward the ground. I couldn't look at him. Tears still racing down my face as if they were in a competition to see who could fall the fastest.
"Who is it?" Jin asked.
"Jin, you have to understand....." I said as I reached my arm towards him, hoping to give any amount of comfort I could.
"Who is it?" He yelled.
"The Jester."
His eyes widened and he stepped away from me. Disbelief filled his face as he slowly shook his head.
"Jin...." I said, desperately hoping he could try to understand, even in the slightest amount.
"A person who kidnaps women is the man you fell in love with?"
"He's not who you think he is. He's a good man who was full of grief and pain."
His blank stare made me want to take it all back and pretend like none of those words had ever escaped my mouth.
"Ember. I just don't even have any words. I thought we were going to be together forever. I just.......no.......I don't even want a world without you in it. Tell me what I need to change? Tell me who I need to be, to be the one you want?"
"No Jin, don't do that to yourself. You're perfect."
"Don't give me that 'it's me, not you.' Crap. Obviously there is something you see in that guy that I don't have. Tell me, I'll do anything for you. Anything. Tell me what to do."
I knew nothing I could say would help him. I had crushed him, and as much as I desperately wanted to, I couldn't pick up the pieces. They weren't mine anymore.
I walked over towards him and brought my hand up to his face and wiped his tears. Our eyes met, and he searched my face for something, anything.
"I need you to let me go."
I slowly backed away, my hand falling from his face, and I turned to walk away. I placed my hand on the knob of the front door. It took every ounce of strength that I had to turn it because I knew once I walked out of that door, it would be the end.
"Ember!" Jin called out.
He ran up to me and quickly grabbed my face with his hands and kissed me. His lips trembling and hand shaking.
I felt the sting of his sweet kiss and my heart panged with grief.
"Please, please don't leave me." He said as he placed his forehead to mine and stroked my cheeks with his thumbs.
"I'm sorry, but I have to."
I grabbed his hand and brought it to my lips and kissed his warm skin one last time.
"Goodbye, Jin."
Those were the last words that I spoke to him. The last soul crushing blow.
Have you ever had to fight a war between your mind and your heart? It will slowly rip you apart and eventually, to your dismay, a part of you has to lose. Sometimes it's the part that will ruin you, but other times it's the part that had saved you. Jin was the part that had saved me, and I hated myself for hurting him. A part of me died when I closed that door behind me. A part that I will grieve for forever, but I'll never forget him. I can never forget.
END OF CHAPTER 20
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